There's nothing but a black hole where my heart used to be.

But I can compensate with emo glasses.

Your responsible ways are making life a little easier for you today, so see if you can take care of business a bit more visibly today. Things are certainly getting better for you -- and those around you! Better keep a box of tissues handy, because you're about to become unusually sentimental. Nostalgic, even. And maybe in the mood to reminisce. Whatever you're feeling at the moment will emerge, regardless of whether you're comfortable with letting others see it. So if you've been trying to hide your feelings for a certain someone, you should probably just forget about that. Why disappoint yourself?

I could be with you, if I didn't hate myself so much. If I didn't feel like I would be doing you a disservice. If I didn't think you'd be taking a step down. If I thought I was worth it. If I thought I deserved it. If I was thinner, prettier, and less shy. If I thought I could make you happy. If I could take off my clothes and not be self-conscious.
Maybe one day I can be (and not be) all of those things. And I can only hope you'll stick around until then.

Someone who's near and dear to your heart has been acting strangely. You're not sure what's up, but it doesn't feel good. To make matters even more intense, and even more puzzling, someone you're not sure you trust will feel the need to tell you what they think is going on. Don't shoot the messenger -- but don't take the message seriously just yet, either. Who knows? This third party might have an ulterior motive. Your love life gets a tremendous boost today -- thanks to your own unthinking action. You arouse interest in the right person (your current partner or a crush, maybe) just by doing what's right.

You should hit a big milestone today, though others might not even take notice. That's okay -- they're sure to see in the near future, whether or not you publicize the event. Let it slide. You're not used to being so emotional. So when your eyes start welling up with tears (again), and everyone who knows you tells you to take a nap, don't argue with them. They're genuinely concerned, and you really can't blame them. It's not as if you act like this every day, now is it? Be as patient and understanding as you possibly can. Your loved ones certainly are.

ok so maybe i haven't been emotional int he past few years but i'm fucken emotional okay whoreascopefuckenbitchslut...

"First a bad call, then a sad deal.
We'll close the blinds to cover your lies.
Cheat the game, roll back time -
this argument only needs one side.
Like a rat to a trap, (or in our case, a boy)
He'll find himself pinned
to what's killing him.
A gruesome death.. he'll disappear
The cold bites my skin, but I like it here.

Please let me be. Let me bleed."

It's funny how lyrics you wrote 5 years ago apply more now than they did when you wrote them.

the title is kind of how I'm talking to myself today, it is not entirely healthy and not entirely nice but it is how things are. blah, blah, blah.

people who are interested in telling me things about themselves should text me over the next hour or two. if you want to tell something to an aria, now is your golden chance.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

I know sara posted this video Last February, 2009, So sad. it is one of my favourites i had to re post it.

Tagging my entries has gone a lot better than I anticipated. it is easier to tag folders at a time, than individual entries.
This maintenance on my journals has been a good reflection on my old life. Its nice to see things on a time line and put them in place. I just wish i could sort by date.. I'm not use to viewing things backwards.

i've spent a lot of time on the this website in the last week, and a lot has paid off. its kind of nice to see the below updates. That means a lot to me, for myself and for other people. So thank you.

To any user that touch/or bang any of my entries. Please, unless you want to be anonymous please tell me that you did. I don't spend a lot of time viewing my Elite Visitor Logs. If you want to be acknowledged, please tell me.

I really wish it was easier.
And for some of you.... this may seem like the same old story.
Well... at least to me it does.
My brother seems to hate me.
There is never a logical reason or explanation behind it.
I wish I knew why I deserve it.
Why it's ok to treat me this way.
And ONLY me.
He gets along with everyone else.

It's not like I'm some raging bitch.
I smile at him I do my best to make pleasant conversation with him.
Even when he is busy ignoring me...
And then now, today...
I don't know how to handle this.

I guess I just feel shutout.
Like he can't even call me his SISTER.
It's like, did I die and not know about it?
Even if I died- that wouldn't mean I never was his sister?

I guess it just makes me feel like less of a person.
It makes me question who I am.
If my own brother can't love me, who can?

And then now... when someone outside of the family
Questions the fact that we're even siblings.
Due to the way he treats me...
I mean comeon... that's got to be bad.
What have I done?
Am I really a horrible person?

And it seems like no matter what I do today.... I just want to cry.
I just want to wallow and cry.

It feels like a lifetime.

I am out of Wellbutrin. Gotta make a mad dash for the pharmacy during lunch to keep myself medicated.

I am running low on lozenges. My work friend said he'll refill my supplies but I can't survive on that forever. Gotta buy my own pack soon.

Jeff hasn't quit yet. He's starting to smell bad to me. And pot is tasting disgusting. But that could be because we got some bad shit. Fuck the Champagne strain.

My new anti-smoke ritual is to painstakingly clean my bong. Whenever I fiend I just salt that shit up and get it sparkling clean, ice it, and enjoy it.

I still want to shoot you.

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow, I think. I will be proud to tell her I am at least 3 days sober.

Yeah it feels like sobreity.

I don't think I like this life of denial. It is depressing. I sit here sad that I have to say no to myself. I love saying yes to myself. Blah.

Fuck you.