What is going on with me right now!? That was so odd. I just called my boyfriend no answer I didn't leave a message then I called one of my good guy friends Randy and he answered said something that I couldn't understand because of all the noise then hung up. I texted him and he said yeah "I'm at a hockey game I can't talk" so I texted him back and when I put down the phone my eyes welled up with tears I had this moment of just pure loneliness. I almost all out balled!

I have no idea where it came from or why. I do however want ice cream even though I can't have any until later on this week. But whoa that was a bit insane. And completely out of no where.

To bring you up to speed, I've been trying for the last week to get legal help. A lawyer. Someone who knows anything about custody laws. Anybody. But no body will help me. I can't get a court appointed attorney, until I go to court. I can't afford a legitimate lawyer. And legal aid shut me down, saying that the department that I'd have to get help through is no longer taking "family cases". They relayed me to another help line, and before I could get two words out about my situation, the woman told me that they don't take "emergency cases". Since my date is tomorrow...it qualifies as an emergency case. So, I go it alone. I have 2 witnesses coming with me to disprove an allegation against me by my mother. She told her lawyer that I told her that I was going to "Kill myself, Kill my baby, and Kill her". Fortunately, I had Jen and Tommy right there and they heard what I said. So they'll testify. But other than that...I'm going it alone. I'm terrified. Absolutely bone-deep terrified. This is huge. This is my son. This is my life. If I don't get him...I don't know what I'll do. It won't be good, I can tell you that much. What I do know is that I need my baby. I don't feel prepared, but I can't think of what else I need to do, what else I need to know. I have all of my information...But it doesn't seem like it's enough. How can I come across as the woman that I know I am, when I'm so scared and there's so much on the line?
It's like...I get so angry and I feel like I can take on anybody. Everybody. Bring it on. You'll never get in between me and my boy. You just won't. I'll do whatever it takes. But I feel that in private, when I'm listening to Slipkot, Disturbed, KoRn, and Nine Inch Nails. The music empowers me. But then I have to shut it off...and deal with reality.
I'll try and keep my head up. But damn...I've never felt more alone.

I have sunk to the bottom only for you to rise to the top
You may have a new vessel but I know you still see me
My face will never fade from your mind
Tell him you love him
The void will never be filled
Just leave me in this cold place
You know exactly where I am but what you had is now lost
Come and find me

Name: Marianne
Date: 2/11/2010
Colorgenics Number: 72153046
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You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life!

Name: Marianne
Date: 2/2/2010
Colorgenics Number: 71425360
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Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you'll have to make the best of things as they are.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

Almost a week ago, I left the melo site. And I did this because a situation between a former online journal friend and myself went totally wrong. And as such, my first and basic reaction was to run away from things online. By this I mean that I deleted various site memberships. I also edited various online profiles. And I backed away from people both because of how I felt and also because of what I did.

Well after both talking to a lot of people online about this, I did some thinking. And what I did was wrong. Specifically, I was running away from both people and things online because I had both been upset and hurt. And instead of both not letting the situation get to me and confining it to who it really concerned, I instead punished other people by deleting various online memberships. I also pushed people away by both keeping to myself and staying away from them. And those things were wrong because more than anything I needed to talk to people.

So I took the chance of reaching out to people to talk about this situation. What I discovered from this is both that I should have stepped back and looked at this particular situation a bit more (from both the other person's point of view and my own point of view). I also should have not overreacted. And I should have also kept my mouth shut because this is what truly got me into trouble. At least it was where this particular situation was concerned.

I also realized that there were a lot of people who were there for me. They honestly wanted to both be there for me and to support me. They also accepted me for who I was. Not because of what I looked like. Not because of what I said. Not because of what I did. But they accepted for me who I was, warts and all.

The following is a conversation between my husband, Jason (a.k.a John Davis) and his ex, Patty. Patty is the mother of his girls. Its amazing how easily the lies and venom can flow from her fingertips. We're both so angry right now, but can't retaliate. Technically, we don't know any of this.

That she "had it out with his wife"? I haven't spoken a word to her in about a year. A bit over a month ago, she posted a comment on a picture on my myspace that said that if I really loved the kids, I'd post pictures of them from a few years ago. I responded with this: "You're entitled to your own opinion, but regardless of the situation, we're both in the kid's lives. We should put them first before our own thoughts because their happiness should come first in both our lives."

And then she came back at me with: "This is a situation I didn't cause and had no choice on and the kids are my life I put them before everyone including their father. I try to keep them as happy and healthy as I can. I love the kids more than anyone else on this planet."

Boy oh boy, she told me huh?

Yes, Anthony sleeps on the floor when we have him, but he's sleeping on top of a cushy exercise mat and we give him a ton of blankets to sleep on top of too. The girls get the bed because there are two of them and they can sleep together. If he doesn't want to come over anymore, then so be it. We've already decided not to fight it. Its not our fight.

I will admit to not liking the way Jay was around the kids in the past. But our lives have changed, and so has he. Communication is a beautiful thing. We've talked about our issues, and then made changes for the better. It's called being an adult.

As to not feeding them? Seriously? I don't ever remember not feeding them. We spend incredible amounts of money on food for them. Why would we not feed them?

Some days I honestly feel like my own self is in pieces. That once I find a piece of my self the piece I had before becomes lost to me. I honestly don't understand the feeling at all.

Some days it just over comes me. Currently that's exactly what it's doing. I feel like Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind- the end scene where she is searching for something but isn't sure what's she's looking for or how to find it.

I'm just plain exhausted of feeling this way.

I don't like to settle for "Ok." unless it's something I'm agreeing to do I just don't seem to like the word. Feeling ok doesn't' really describe anything. I would hate to have someone at my funeral saying I lived an "ok" life. The first definition in the dictionary states that ok means (at least as an Adjective) "all right; proceeding normally; satisfactory or under control: Things are OK at the moment."

I don't want to be alright. And if I'm feeling alright I'll say I'm alright. Certainly not ok. Because ok doesn't mean anything. It can mean everything from an agreement to normal. I don't know about you but I've spent a better part of my life trying NOT to be normal. To be myself, to be who I want to become. I certainly don't want to be "ok."

<end rant>

i call them "winter colors" cuz thats how i'm feeling these days, i guess. its somewhat based on the bouncing souls 20th anniversary logo, which is the sweatshirt ive been wearing as of late. also mostly wearing black, jeans and socks. once things pick up in my life, ill change it around a bit, but def brighter colors by summer. what do you think?