Freedom is the willingness to
risk being vulnerable to life;
it is the experience of whatever
arises in each moment,
painful or pleasant.

-Charlotte Joko Beck

copious amounts of dairy products
+
copious amounts of jalapenos
=
your ass singing the chorus to johnny cash's "ring of fire"

from my earliest memories, my mother instilled in me the ethic of always helping those who need help if you are able to give it. so from those same earliest memories i always tried to be a friend to the person who i saw alone on the playground or quad. if anyone was hungry and i could help them out, i did. my grandmother would have affairs with different men who she'd refer to as her "friends." there was always this unspoken understanding that these men gave me money because i was so pretty and smart and respectful (underneath, however, the money was of course, in exchange for my silence). i would take this money and share it with my cousins who had no way of getting money of their own. we'd get candy or ice cream or whatever luxuries our parents couldn't afford.

when i was 9 years old my mother was diagnosed as hiv positive. she was only 23 years old and was 4 months pregnant with her seventh baby. all seven of my mothers children tested hiv negative.

when i was 12, my dad (who had been in and out of prison my whole life) got out of prison and started molesting me. one particular time, my mother went into the hospital for surgery and he tried to rape me on a couch that was a foot and a half away from some blankets that my sister and two of my brothers were sleeping together on like a litter of puppies.

somehow, i threw him off of me and locked myself in the bathroom. i told him that this time it was over. i was done with it. he left the house and went on the run. for two weeks my two brothers, sister and i were held in the "jamison center" which was a child protective services holding tank of sorts.

there we were for two weeks with the rest of the kids who's parents failed to protect them. a bunch of poor kids learning to hate the system. we were there until my father was apprehended.

Rough day at the office, though that could easily be an understatement.

A father and his son come in, and the little boy tells me he found his cat in a pool of blood after it had been hit by a car. I got as much information as I could before taking the two into the room, and the cat immediately to the treatment area. The residing doctor told me there was nothing that could be done for the cat, that it was semi-comatose, and it was only suffering. He pulled the father aside and explained the situation while I gathered the necessary paperwork for a euthanasia. I went back into the room and pulled the dad aside, giving him the payment plan and consent form. I made the mistake of asking if he wanted to be present, just as the little boy walks up.

The little boy said he wanted to be present, and my heart cringed. He couldn't be more than six or seven, and I knew that he had no idea what was going on. As I left the room to apply the charges, I heard the dad call his son to him. I knew exactly what was coming. When I went back in with the receipt, the little boy was crying profusely. He kept saying he didn't want his cat to go, and begged me to get the doctor to fix him. I didn't know what to say.. I've dealt with plenty of euthanasia cases before, and none.. none affected me the way this one had.

I walked out of the room, my eyes full of tears. The doctor, who isn't much older than me, put a hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. When I could barely even mutter, "No, I'm not.." he told me to go have a seat in his office so I could have some time to myself.

My existing flirtation and execution of my current affair has to end. I have gotten strict word from one of my friends, Killer, that it is not a good idea. Not the kind of "Oh no, if I were you I wouldn't" advice. I mean the, "I told him if he has sex with you I will chop off his dick and stick it in his throat."

She is just looking out for me. I'm really happy to have that. And on the other side, my other V consoled me and even stuck up for me. She knows it's not a good idea either, but she wanted it to be clear that she knew how I was feeling. I know right now that it's going to be hard to get over the current crush that has flooded my brain so heavily. But it's almost comforting to know that I have these people looking after me. I hope, in return, I can be just as caring and nurturing as they have acted.

I just wish I didn't need people to look after me. I wish I wasn't so naive that I thought could turn a whore into a housewife. Because that's just it. You can't. It's impossible. There's no flicker when you kiss the lines on their forehead or any special warmth when you brush against the 5 o'clock shadow that we long for.

I must get over my feelings of insecurity. And I need to stop thinking that a boy, especially that one, would cure it. I need to cure it. I do wish that he would grow up and try to be the man I think he could be. It's like "Total Eclipse of the Heart," when she says, "I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be." He won't. At least right now he won't. He's wrapped up in his world of stupidity right now. And truth be told, I would give him another chance in five seconds if he were to mature. But for right now, I think I need to stop feeling the way I do for him. Before I get hurt and fuck things over.

I jammed a large safety pin through the nail of my middle finger today while fitting a costume on the actress for the show that FIDM puts on next month.

Son of a bitch, my entire finger is throbbing now.

Is FIDM over yet?

Really starting to see results. In how I look, in how I feel on a daily basis, in how much work I do when I work out, I am seeing improvements. I have a lot more energy and I think that my moods have really been elevated.

Also, an activity that is good for the soul as well as your abs .. singing. When done properly, using your abdominal muscles to squeeze every last bit of air out of you when you sing can be a pretty decent work out and it will help develop muscle control. On top of that, it's something you can do in your car or in the shower. You can multitask and work out! I like to find some heavy metal and sing/scream along to it when I can.

Boy, I am really sweaty after today's work out:

Set 1 -
35 jumping jacks, 20 push-ups, 35 crunches, 10 lunges per leg, 10 squats

Set 2-
40 jumping jacks, 20 push-ups, 35 crunches, 10 lunges per leg, 10 squats

Set 3-
45 jumping jacks, 21 push-ups, 35 crunches, 10 lunges per leg, 10 squats

note:
Lunges are still tough to do. I actually do not think it was a cramp last time I did them. Feels more like a tear in my left quad but it hurt a lot less today so it was either minor or I stretched it out better this time. Lunges were doable even though I was getting a little lazy on them since it hurt a bit.

It hurts me so to think back
of all the love I did lack
I wasnt daddys little girl
and now its all so real
I was never the diamond in my mothers eye
They were too busy getting high
I had never had a beautiful face
And i have never won a race
I have never known love
nor seen the beauty from above
I have never been known
I have never been shown
I am not anything great
Is this my pathetic fate?
I have been raped, I have been used
Nothing but a toy
to every other boy
I have never been taken home
I am doomed to be alone.

December 2008
*obviously before i met my boyfriend*
I dont feel like this anymore

So, I've been working out every day (except for my one off day a week) for a week now. Steadily I've been getting stronger and progressing through my work outs, making it possible to add more and more to them.

Anyways, I'm going to start recording exactly what I do each day. The basic routine per day is alternating workouts. For example, today I did a mild cardio workout between sets just to keep my heart rate up. My sets go like this jumping jacks, push-up, crunches, lunges .. break .. do it all again.

Tomorrow will be a strictly cardio work out with a run around the neighborhood for as long as I can, hopefully going further and keeping up a pace longer than I did last time.

My goal is to do more of everything every time i work out, thus getting stronger each time. I'm trying to push past pain and limitations to do more and more each time.

Todays work out:

three sets of 30 jumping jacks, 20 push ups, 30 crunches, 10 lunges per leg

*note:
due to cramping in my quadriceps on the second and third sets I had to reduce reps of lunges to 5 per leg. too much pain to do more. will stretch quads better from now on.

current music playing in iTunes:Slipknot "(sic)"

So like I mentioned the other day, my knee went out from under me at work last Thursday. So the next day, I had my mother call in a favor to my orthopedic doctor to see if he could squeeze me in with nearly "zero" notice. I managed to get in and get a CAT scan done and it was confirmed then from what I already had figured...

...torn meniscus and strained medial collateral.

The strain I can work through and if all goes well for that, it won't need to be operated on. The meniscus however is something that has to be operated on because it just doesn't get better over time. Thankfully the tear isn't that bad, but it's enough now to cause some serious pain over time.

Hopefully, I can stave off surgery until the end of the summer/beginning of fall so i'll have some time off built up.