Its throbbing. It comes and goes but I'm pretty much in pain. Let's see what home remedy will try today.

In other news. Borrin dudes been cut! Seriously were do I find these dudes?? I need to start going out and meeting some legit people.

I love trains.

I love people.

Meeting new people for me is like approaching an express stop at rush hour, never knowing who and what I'll encounter. I have a proceed with caution signal displayed, reminding me to take it slowly, being prepared to stop within the line of vision. If I take the station too fast, I'll hit the trip arm and I'll be penalized by having the brakes dump and I'll be headed downtown for questioning and a piss test.

I tend to clear all of my approaches without much of an issue. It's just that for some reason, I can just never ease off on the controller and brake nice and gently and hit the car marker. I tend to draw power for too long, I brake hard and I overshoot the platform. Under no circumstances am I allowed to reverse, so I'm aways fucked when I miss the marker. Doors aren't allowed to be open, so I can't unload prior passengers and the would-be new ones take the next train.

I know I've hurt you beyond what words can describe, and I know I'll never speak to you again. If you still use this website, or you just happen to search my name and this pops up, then please just remember that I'll always love you and care for you greatly, that I'm sorry for everything I've done to push you away when all you wanted to do was to get close. I hope you find happiness without me consistently bringing you down.

I apologize, NMD.

It's to that point:

But there is no emergency stash. =(
The lengths we have to go to are getting ridiculous.

I have a rant to post, but as of now, it's still just grumblings in the back of my mind.
I haven't figured out the words yet.
Maybe if I just start writing it will all come out.

We passed my sister and her husband on the road the other day.
(It's odd to live in a really small town in which so many people
I don't want to see also live.)
Anyways, I don't know if I've written about what happened,
and I won't now, but maybe you'll hear the whole story someday.
But I need to put this down somewhere, and get it off my chest.
I don't understand all those people who do the whole alcoholics anonymous shit.
Maybe it's an addict thing to need them, I don't know.
But from where I stand, it seems to me that
all those meetings do is take over your entire life.
You're not who you used to be at all anymore. (Even before the addiction.)
You are only, "____, an addict."
You go to these meetings and tell the same stories over and over
from years ago, by which you're constantly reminding yourself of your problem.
And then, if that isn't enough, you climb so high up on your pedestal,
that you can't stand to be around anyone who isn't as pure
as you presume you are.
In my opinion, if you can't be around your family while a couple of
them are holding a beer, that is Your fault that you can't control yourself.
If people are putting the effort into spending time with you,
and you constantly blow them off because you're going to a meeting every
night of the week, then the fault falls on you for not returning that effort.

Why don't you just go sniff that pill,
bitch, you know you will,
'cause I'm so tired of listening,
to how useless you think I am,
just smoke that hash,
such up to his motherfucking ass,
just like you always have,
threten me, tell me how you don't want me,
that you don't love me,
well I dont give a shit you selfish bitch,
I hope you drown in all this shit,
'cause I'm gone,
I'm done with all of it,
leave you both to rott,
now who would'a though,
I'd be smart enough,
to get my head together,
happy, I'm gone forever,
I'll never have to wait for the phone to ring,
to find out if tonight were eating,
or sit here watching you dieng,
I'm done trying,
neither of you will ever change,
see my arms? Do you feel the pain?
Look into my eyes, see the demons?
Well guess what, you caused them,
so just wither away bitch,
rott in hell with that piece of shit,
I hope you both drown in all of it.

I burnt my ring finger while opening the door to make these brownie cookies.

It hurts. *cries*

Well, that bloody dog I've been bitching about for the past three years has finally kick the bucket. TBH, I don't mourn the loss, it wasn't any loss for me. But the ache that I partially feel is empathy for my grandmother. She loved that dog. I just hope that she doesn't take this loss out on me.

I guess only time will tell now if things get any better. :s

I feel like I am walking on the path of pain
A life full of a storming rain
I have lived a life of fear
I dont even want to see myself in a mirror
Why do I suffer all this heartbreak
And how many more tears can I take?
When will all this sorrow become so real?
And why can I no longer feel?
I feel like all along I have been used
How can anyone put up with this much abuse
Will there ever come a time for love?
And will anyone ever put me above?
Can there be a happy end for me?
everyone Ive loved has put me down
Someone decent has never been found
I just lie here as I cry
Everyone watches as I slowly die
Please no more! Please just leave
For me, No one would even grieve
I just want someone to prove
Someone to make the first move
To show me hope in human kind
So i can set alseep a troubled mind
Love me for who I am, or dont love me at all
Dont reach for my hand and then let me fall
The tears of blood stain my face
An angel fallen from grace
The pain its once and hits more
Watch my spirit die on the floor

Smear the make-up on,
try to hide all the pain and constant thoughts,
paint the mask,
but it will never be enough,

enough to hide the torment,
enough to conceal the past,
or the drawing back,
of you're broken heart,

wear that smile,
laugh a hearty laugh,
but none of this could ever be enough,
to conceal the rest,

take a breath,
close you're eyes tonight,
stop pretending,
and realize you're not allright.

They change my work schedule and I now have to work 8am to 5pm instead of 11am to 8pm. Yesterday was my first day and it was one rough ass day. Got home last night and went straight to bed. Woke up this morning and I am still a little wacked out from the change in my schedule. My body just does not like to get up early.

It has been unusually cold here for the last few weeks. This is the coldest winter we have had here in Georgia in some ten years or so and yesterday my hands and feet felt it for sure. By the time the day was over they were aching way down in the bones, one of those dull throbbing restless aches that keep you from being comfortable.

I have been bringing my dogs inside during this cold spell but one of my dogs just refuses to come into the house. Which worries me because I am worried he will freeze to death outside but he seems content to bury himself in a pile of leaves at night. When I try to bring him inside he growls and snaps at me so I am like fine freeze to death you little hard headed mutt.

Got a card and some birthday loot from my mother yesterday. (LOL you know you been playing WoW too long when you call it Birthday loot) It was a very nice card and I appreciate the cash she sent me. I called her last night and we talked for quite some time, I really do miss her and wished she lived much closer so I could visit her more than every few years.