archive
::whole new LIGHT::
Peacecrafting: babe will you please stop cutting
Peacecrafting: WHAT IF and this is purly hypothetical....for say..I stop smoking
Peacecrafting: would you stop then
AcandyRAZORBLADE: yes, i would
Peacecrafting: ok then.......do we have a deal?
AcandyRAZORBLADE: what made you think of this?
Peacecrafting: you know how I’ve always felt about it
Peacecrafting: and it is time for me to stop smoking so I thought...IF I GO DOWN YOUR COMING WITH ME!
How...sentimental..haha. Nice to know he thinks about me in a caring way still. <3Jack. Thanx for still caring about me.
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::You’ve got the POISON::
What do you do when the thing you need most, the thing that’s keeping you alive...you’re forced to be apart from? What do you do when you can’t even call them on the phone? What do you do when you’re not sure if you want to continue....but something in you says that you have to see what the future holds?
I am an attention and affection whore. I need to constantly feel loved and wanted. When I can’t see my boyfriend...I go insane. I saw my boyfriend less than a week ago...but I’m already freaking out. I’ve spent the night crying. I did another unspeakable act. I hate myself.
misterben85: I love you, and I want the best for you, when your sad, I’m sad too...I hate not being able to be there with you...you don’t know how much I love being with you..seeing your face light up when you smile just makes me so happy...don’t worry about tonight..its alright..I’m sorry for it too...I wish I could help more..but I guess the only way to do that is to be there..and I really am going to try to make it so I can be there more often...I love you baby
He tries so hard...so fucking hard. I can see it...I just need to see him more often...even though it’s impossible at the moment. The only way I can see him as much as I want to is to get a car and a license...which can’t happen legally until November 7th at the soonest. That’s roughly 10 months away...That’s a helluva long time...
What was I doing 10 months ago? It was around the time I was dating Mark...I was still blonde...I was happy then...WOW! What a difference 10 months makes...Will I be the same as I am now in 10 months? Who knows...
All I know is I want to be with Ben. I want to be happy. I want to shoot his parents. :sigh:
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::the REMEDY::
Today started bright and ferkin early as hell! 7am wake up...ugh.
Went to Mcdonalds with my "dad" for breakfast even though I don’t care for breakfast food. I think my dad was ashamed to be seen with me because of what I was wearing ((Black and purple bondage pants, black hoodie, spiked collar and bracelets, dark purple eye shadow, purple toe socks, and black platform star sandals)). He hates the way I dress. Well, fuck em!!
ANYWAY then I was my "dad’s" personal cup holder while he fixed something at work. I held his fucking coffee all the way from Mcdonalds, through his work which was like at least an hour and a half. I almost fell asleep sitting in this very uncomfortable chair. Bah.
AFTER THAT...we went to this lady named Nikki’s house to get signed up for my home school. I got some of my books, and I know what classes I’m taking:
Geometry
World History
English
PE2
Drivers Ed
Computers
Photography
Woop woop. I have to do 2 semesters of Geometry, World History, English, and PE in 1 semester since the 1st semester this year I fucked off and failed. x_x oh well. I can do it. She said it will be easy though, especially since I don’t have to wake up all early and shiz to do it.
**Geometry- If I can take all of the tests from 1st semester and pass them I get the full 5credits from 1st semester
**PE2- Nikki was cool about this, and she said I could like walk around the block and it would count! bwahaha! :D
**Drivers Ed- This is cool because I get a nice little book to read about it and everything AND I don’t have to take the Drivers Ed class at the DMV. SO in May, to get my permit, all I have to do is pass the driving part. Woop Woop!
**Computers- Basically, I just need to do something creative or new on the computer, and present it to Nikki, or print it out. I think I’m going to focus around digital photography. Maybe I can get my dad to get me a better digicam? o.O mmm :thinks:
**Photography -I have a thing for photography, in particular black and white pictures so I figured this would be good. My dad has a whole dark room set up at the house, along with 35mm cameras from when he was a photographer. Woop woop once again.
Mmm. I got some of my books already so I think I’m gonna start doing bookwork to get credits on Monday. I’m getting kind of...bored. I hate being bored. I need something to take my mind off of the fact that I rarely see my friends/boyfriend. Ugh.
After that we went to the bank and Stater Bros. for the weekly shopping trip. He was buying me a bunch food I wanted; tortilla chips and salsa, popcorn, instant breakfast drinks (mmm :drinks:) other stuff. OoOo I got some black hair dye so I can do my hair over. I hate dying it by myself. It gets all over the bathroom and I’m afraid of missing spots. x_x Oh well...Maybe I can find someone to dye it for me this weekend or something...
::Pictars from todah!::
((Because I know how much you ALL want to see me on a daily basis! XD))
"Best friend means I pulled the trigger..."
Hey! Look at me! I’m coot! EEE! hahaha not really...just wanted to flatter myself x_x
I thought this one came out spiffy. I love how my hair looks blue in the light...and the eyes THE EYES. eep.
Debut of the tongue piercing on my melo, I believe. Look at it and marvel. w00p.
OOOOOH my "dad" informed me today that there isn’t any school on Monday which meeeeeeeeeeans Ben might be able to come visit me XD I was like weee! when I found out. Heh. I’m hopefully seeing him next week anyway. :sigh: I miss him. eep!
As far as I know I’m going to el mall with my wife and husband tomorrow. :D I hope we can. I need to pick up Ben’s 18th birthday present and see my significant others. HA! XD Unless you know me, you’re probably lost on that. But I think I’m going to keep it that way.
You know who my 2 new loves are? Jason Mraz and Maroon 5. I’ve liked Maroon 5 for awhile now, when Ana introduced me to them. But...damn. I don’t know. :shrug:
Am I the only one who thinks Clay Aiken is adorably cute?? I have a thing for the adorably cute guys...I don’t really like the "OMG YOU’RE SO HAWT!" type guys...probably because they always have shitty personalities...It’s the guys that are cute and don’t know it that are usually the best boyfriends. :sigh: Maybe Clay Aiken just reminds me of Ben...:ponders:
Ugh. Hilary Duff. Stephanie told me when I was in 8th grade, blonde, and "preppy" that I looked and sounded like her. I was like ahhh nooo! I can’t stand her. She needs to stay on Disney channel...or just die. ROAR. But I like her eyes...haha.
WOW this is a long fuggin entry. I doubt anyone read it all. If you did, kudos to you. Maybe I’ll give you touches or something for it. :) Have a nice night. Ciao!
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::BEAUTY::
Mmm Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro. Like...THE HOTTEST couple EVER...
AcandyRAZORBLADE: carmen electra is like...all hot...i never really thought so until now...maybe its the clothes....maybe dave navarro makes her hotter...
DeePeRthanaDReaM: i think dave navarro makes her hotter
DeePeRthanaDReaM: i never thought she was especially great until she was with him
DeePeRthanaDReaM: well
DeePeRthanaDReaM: her boobs were nice
AcandyRAZORBLADE: mmm okay. so we’ve done to a conclusion.
AcandyRAZORBLADE: yea...boobs are always nice
ANYWAY...mmm. Look, and cream (as I did).
OH. MY. EFFING. GOD.
I need to go masturbate now.
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::Ben0rz update::
Mkay well I talked to Ben. Apparently that girl is trying to start shit cause she’s jealous he doesn’t like her anymore cause she’s a little pothead slut.
She changed the dates on the IM convos, and she lied about the love thing. When I started bitching out Ben and crying about it, he freaked out and cried. He said He’s afraid of losing me over this...I was like aw:(
I’m sucha softie.
Since I have my own image server now, here’s a few pics of my love <3
His main FTJ pic-misterben85 on thurrrr.
Hiding from my cam!!
I don’t play like that so I tackled him on my bed, sat on him, and took pics at my pleasure :D I rock.
Okies, I’m on a pic posting spree hurrrrrr. I’m gonna calm down. FUCK I’m hyper at 4am. HA!
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::OMG. IT’S ME! EEP!::
I took these today...well...yesterday now since it’s 4am! But yeah, I like these pics a lot actually...
mwah for you all! <3
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::BENT, BRUISED, and BROKEN::
Today hasn’t been good at all...
Some girl named Stephanie IMs me on msn and tells me I need to "watch" Ben. She then sends me a conversation between him and her and it’s...major flirting...it’s way obvious. ":kiss:" and "i miss you baby" and all that other shit. She THEN tells me that he told her LAST NIGHT that he loves her. I cried. Wait, no. I bawled. I did something I told myself I would never do. I can’t believe myself. :shakes head:
I haven’t been able to talk to him about this yet. He better be on soon. I’m getting REALLY frustrated. If I don’t talk to him tonight, I’m going to cry.
Ben(thelastseraphim on melo) from Texas called me because I was crying and shaking...etc. He’s so sweet. I love that boy to death. :sigh: We talked to each other about our relationship troubles. It’s nice to talk to someone mature about relationships. It’s not just "well he’s gay. break up with him"...Although there was some of that. Ha. But it’s understandable.
Jack IMed me tonight. He was being nice. It was scary. He’s never nice to me unless he’s high. o.o Oh well. He talked to me so woot?’
I’m so fucking hungry. I’m afraid to eat. I don’t want to throw up...or even feel like throwing up.
I’m going to go sulk by myself. I’m sick of things turning out like this. I just want to be happy. Is that so FUCKING hard to ask?!
You would slit your wrists.. You hate this "so
called life". You’re sick of it.. Your
artwork, and depressing poetry have gotten
old.. There’s nothing left to accomplish. You
are obsessed with self mutilation and self
abuse. You already cut yourself.. So now all
you have to do is press down a little harder,
and all the pain will be gone. You also hate
sympathy from others.
How would you commit suicide?
brought to you by Quizilla
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::You’re no JESUS::
Well, boredom caused me to make THIS
Go there and sign my guestbook, damn you!!! And if I don’t know you, leave your melo name so I can visit and give touches :D
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::If I knew all about this ONE THING...wouldn’t that be something?::
Me and my "dad" have figured out why I’m so sick:
Like a week ago, he weaned me off of my depression meds.
We figured out that my depression is situational, rather than chemical.
But anyway, since my body is so used to being on them, it’s tripping out right now since it isn’t getting them. I threw up once, because I made myself. I couldn’t deal with the feeling in my stomach...although it didn’t help any. I can never tell if I’m hungry or if I want to throw up, I’m really dizzy and tired all the time, AND, to top it off, I’ve been having these trippy dreams.
::DREAM #1::
Dad: "She’s just going to be even more depressed! She’ll never get to see him...he’ll cheat on her anyway!" (referring to Ben)
Me: ::crying in my room::
I couldn’t tell if this was really happening, or if it was a dream. I have a feeling I was crying in real life too, because I woke up with a wet face...
::DREAM #2::
Well, Ben was supposed to be grounded from online (in real life) so I went to sleep early to try and feel better. SO in my dream he was online and waiting for me. I woke up and out of curiosity got up to check my away message on aim, and nevertheless he had left me like 5 messages. Freaky. x_x
::DREAM #3::
I was laying in my bed...and my mom came in my room. All of a sudden I got up...brandished a knife...and chased her around the house with it...then I woke up.
::DREAM #4:
I was at school...in my journalism class. And I was getting yelled at for not doing my work when I had done like 203972935723 articles already and corrected 2 papers including a QHHS one. Then, after class, I went outside and I had a car. Even though it was a ghetto car...hah. And I drove myself home and ran a stoplight.
But yeah, those were weird ass dreams. And they all happened in less then 24 hours. Fucking medication withdrawals!!!!!
BUT ANYWAY ON A HAPPIER NOTE
Ben asked me out tonight, and I said yes. :D heh.
BassitarRocker85: Venescha...would you like to be my girlfriend? :)
AcandyRAZORBLADE: :bites lip: yes :)
BassitarRocker85: WOOHOO! :dances around the room like an idiot:
AND I’m going to be uploading all my pics to a free image server tonight hopefully until the melo pics are back up. Woop woop! Look for a new layout soon! YA HURD?!
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::Everytime I tell that LIE I live with out GUILT::
i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Venescha
2. single or taken: semi-taken
3. sex: Cunt
4. birthday: November 7th, 88
5. sign: Never fuck with a Scorpio
6. siblings: 0
7. hair colour: As of right now, black.
8. eye colour: Green
9. shoe size: 6-8. Depends.
10. height: 5’5
11. favourite foods: Anything fattening. Mmm fat.
12. hometown: Palmdale, CA
r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Steph, Ben...closest friends. I don’t really have "bests" anymore. SOMEONE fucked that up for me.
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I own a boy :D
3. did you send this to your crush?: o.O
4. did your crush send this to you?: Oh yesh Tony :humps:
5. longest relationship?: Like 2 months
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: Like..15-20
7. how many people have you kissed?: Plenty
8. are you shy around your crush?: Noop
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: I wouldn’t say that...
10. still have feelings for anyone you’ve been in a past relationship with?: Don’t think so.
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: Yes
12. what is the worst trend you see today?: People that say they don’t follow trends.
13. would you give up your favourite possession for your best friends?: I don’t have best friends so it doesn’t matter.
f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favourite place to shop?: Wherever I find something I like.
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: Piercings [14g left eyebrow, 10g tongue, ears 00g]
3. what is your favourite thing to wear?: Black hoodie. And pink lounge pants.
4. what is a must have accessory?: I never take off my bracelets.
5. how much is the most you’ve ever spent on a single item of clothing?: Uhm...I bought my Osiris’ for $98 like 2 years ago...
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Everyone has their own style.
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: Me, when I’m bummin it. :D
9. do you match your belt with your hair colour?: Not on purpose...my belt is just...black
10. what is the worst thing you’ve ever thought looked good?: Everything I ever wore up to now.
11. what are you wearing right now?: Jeans, Black skull belt, "The Cure" shirt, purple toe socks, black hoodie.
12. how many pairs of shoes do you own?: like 12...i only wear like 3 of them though. hah.
s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs?: Not really.
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever is in the shower.
3. what are you most scared of?: Being independent.
4. what are you listening to right now?: The swishing noises in my ears. Fuck being sick!
5. who is the last person that called you?: Ben :D
6. where do you want to get married?: Somewhere pretty.
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 15 on AIM, 4 on MSN
8. what would you change about yourself?: Weight.
9. what are essentials in your life?: Love, food, friendships.
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be?: Find happiness in myself no matter what.
11. what nationality are you?: Cracka in action! ya hurd?!
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: Sometimes I send holiday emails...
h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath?: Myself
2. smoked?: Yesm
3. bungee jumped?: Not yet
4. made yourself throw up?: ...Yesterday.
5. skinny dipped?: Noop
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: HA! I’m pro.
7. cried when someone died?: Yea :( I miss QT!!!
8. fallen for your best friend?: Yea...they didn’t reciprocate the feelings though =
9. been rejected?: Of course
10. rejected someone?: Yeah
11. used someone?: We used each other :D
c u r r e n t
1. hair: Down.
2. music: Swishing of the ears!
3. make-up: Worn off eyeliner, mascara, and powder.
4. annoyance: My sickness. and how Ben might be grounded :(
5. scent: I can’t smell anything
6. favourite artist: Amy Lee
7. favourite group: Evanescence
8. desktop picture: Atreyu wallpaper
9. book you’re reading: Nothing at the moment...Well...I’m kind of re-reading "Cut"
10. cd in player: Stereo-Placebo:"Placebo". Placebo:"Without You, I’m Nothing". The Rules of Attraction soundtrack. Portable-Hard rock burned cd
11. dvd in player: Rules of Attraction.
12. colour of toenails: Red. mmm red.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I feel so shitty. I’m sick, I guess and...ugh. I’m dizzy, I cant keep any food down, I keep getting the chills...AND to top it off BEN MIGHT BE GROUNDED which means no internet!! :’(:’(:’(
He came over today. It was nice. I miss him so much. I didn’t realize how much I like him until today. Ugh. Parents and distance suck. I’m so ready to take the bus out to Lancaster and hang out with him all day and then come home. That’s how bad I want to see him. UGH!!!!!!!!
I’m off to go take a bath or sleep. I can’t decide which one. BLAH!!!
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::NOWHERE kids::
I’m fucking tired as fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I can’t sleep yet cause I have to wait for Ben to sign on to give him bus schedule times and what not. I getta see Benny boy tomorrow!!!
I.Only. Want. To. Sleep. :dies while listening to techno:
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::I HATE everything about you::
Stephanie is supposed to be coming over today sometime. I haven’t seen her in awhile so that should be nice. I need to shower and clean before she gets here.It’s 9am so I should have at least a few hours.
I miss Ben so effing much! We didn’t really get to talk last night because he went to that car show thing and his dad wouldn’t let him online when they got back ((even though it was only midnight, and it was a FRIDAY night.Fuck)) So I’m going through Ben withdrawals. I misssssss you Ben0rz!!
I’ve had this song in my head forever now...
::I hate everything about you...so why do I love you?::
And I’ve been thinking about it...it’s so true. :sigh:
Well I’m off to go do something to keep me awake. Toodloo!
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::smell your skin on the EMPTY pillow next to mine::
Dear Jack, these songs are for you. I hope you read them and think about what you did to me.
Will I ever get to where I’m going?
Will I ever follow through with what I had planned
I guess it’s possible that I have been a bit distracted
And the directions for me are a lot less in demand
I saw you standing in my headlights
I thought I’d run you down for the weight you left on me
Instead I pushed rewind, reversed and drove away
And seeing you disappear in my rearview
Brought to me the word reciprocity
From now on I’m gonna start holding my breath
When you come around and you flex that fake grin
Cause something inside of me has said more than twice
That breathing less air beats breathing you at all
I don’t want to talk to you anymore
I’m afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue everytime you come around
Cause ((blood)) in my mouth beats ((blood)) on the ground
You could see me reaching
So why couldn’t you have met me half way?
You could see me bleeding
And you would not put pressure on the ::wound::
You only think about yourself...you only think about yourself
I haven’t felt the way I feel today
In so long it’s hard for me to specify
I’m beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb, pins and needles, nice to know you
Goodbye, nice to know you
Love Always, Venescha.
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::always afraid that you’re LOST::
My FTJ profile! eep!
I’ve been waking up at 4pm the past few days. It’s nice, but I really feel like I should be doing something. So, I’m either going to stay up all night, or wake up early and keep myself busy, or at least try to. I can’t sleep my life away!
I’ve also been eating far too much. I don’t know if I’m slipping back into depression or if I’ve just been eating out of boredom. Either way, I really need to stop.
I’m going to post links to some of my favorite sites because I can, and I need more shit to post in this before I presume it complete!!!
Invader Zim fansite AWESOME! Has transcripts, screen shots, character bios...oh god, its great!
PENIS FANLISTING haha thanx, Sam :)
Self Injury Info/Support This site has helped me through some tough times. If I look at it when I want to cut, it suppresses my urges. It’s helping me keep my New Years Resolution. Nice:)
Evanescence Do I even need to say anything? Didn’t think so.
Yahoo games I got addicted to yahoo pool. :walks away with head down:
BENS MELO! Because you all should go there and touch him for being a sweetheart to me! :loves to Ben:
Well, I think I’m done with the linkage. I hope I’ve given you all something to do in melo down time!!
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::SHAMELESS promotion::
Hey fellow melo-goers! You should check out DESOLATE CHAOS
because they’re an :awesome: local band, and they fuckin rock. Oh yeah, sign the guestbook and show some love.
Hi Seco :) This is how bored I’ve gotten. I hope you like your little promotion here. And it didn’t even cost any money. How sahweet is that?
In other news, BEN is great. I luff him to death. Give him touches and love, because he needs karma!
And...yeah. It’s almost 3am and I’m still awake. Insomnia is a bitch to endure. Oh well. Off to do creative things...
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::First one to COMPLAIN, leaves with a BLOOD STAIN::
Its just one of those days
When you don’t wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don’t really know why
But want justify
Rippin’ someone’s head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away ((motherfucker))
It’s just one of those days
It’s all about the HE SAID, SHE SAID bullshit
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::new SKIN::
I woke up at 6:30this morning, and boy am I ever tired. :yawn:
I met up with Ben today at the mall. We took the bus back to my house. We hung
out, laid around on my bed and listened to music.
I got signed out of Littlerock today. wOOt
"You are no longer a Littlerock inmate!" - my "dad"
I’m signing up for home school sometime soon. I hope it’s easy. :sigh:
Anyway...
We then took Ben home, and then came home ourselves. Me and Ben are supposed to go to the mall on Saturday to hang out, and such. I hope he can go. My "dad" said he’d give me money. wOOt.
At first I see an open wound
infected and disastrous
It breathes chaotic catastrophe
it ::cries:: to be renewed
it’s ((tears)) are the color of anger
they dry to form a scab
To the touch, it’s stiff and resilient
underneath, the n|e|w skill breathes.
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::megaloMANIAC::
:screams: I miss Incubus! I’m so happy they’re coming out with a new album! I cannot conceal my joy! AH!
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::PROZAC can make it better::
Music music music...Music is my inspiration. I don’t write well unless I have music. I realized that.
Everytime I rise
I see you falling
Can you find me space
Inside your ::BLEEDING:: heart
It
Kim spent the night last night. It was fun. She brought over her DDR. Oh god, that was fun as hell. I probably lost like 10lbs. I can only hope. I’m going to con my dad into buying me a PS2 and DDR as my form of exercise. Since, I’ll actually do it because it kicks ass. But yes, me and Kim made my mother watch "The Ring".She thought it was creepy and she didn’t really get it. HA. dumb parents. :shakes head:
I met a boy. His name is Ben. He lives in Lancaster. He’s nice. I’ll keep you posted on the status of that. :smiles: Oh yeah, I’m making him get a melo soon. wOOtness.
Linkin Park is coming to CA in February. I want to go. Jack is going...:sigh:
I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While your looking up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease
I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you’re not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the
And I love the way you pass the cheque
And I love the good times that you
And I love your lack of self-respect
While you passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck
Well, that song reminds me of me. My little submission-domination fetish. Damn me.
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::B b b b BOREDOM::
1. Your REAL Name: Venescha
2. What friends call you: V, Venna, Vava, Vivi, Nescha, Neshie, Ven0rz, Ven Ven, Sex kittin.
3. What your (ex) boy/girl friend calls you: Bubblebutt is the one that sticks out most.
4. Whats a name you once wished you’d rather have? Zoe.
5. What is/are the ugliest name(s) you can think of? Yeah Hilda is pretty bad.
6. What would you name these if you had them as pets?
a. turtle: Fluffy
b. goose: Quackers
c. pirate: Pegleg
7. If there was a song about you, what would it be called?: Dramarama
8. What would you name your kids?: Female: Star; Male: Jake
9. What would you name a ship you built?: SS Fucknut
10. If you wrote a book, what would it be called? "Self mutilation and other comforts"
Part Two - Have You Ever . . .
11. Thrown up in public?: Nope, thankgod.
12. Eater or Drank Anything Spoiled: I drank a glass of bad milk on accident.
13. Had a rip in your pants and didn’t know about it?: Yeah.
14. Tripped while checking someone out?: Sortof.
15. Had to pay for something you broke?: Not yet
16. Nearly drowned?: Yeah, at the pool at the park :(
17. Passed out?: Not yet
18. Had a crush on somebody not single?: I have one right now! Eep!
19. Been stuck in the rain?: Of course.
20. Been attacked by an animal?: Only my cats. Haha.
21. Caught people ?: masturbating?
22. Fallen asleep while driving?: I don’t drive.
23. Felt attracted to someone of the same sex?: Well, I’m bisexual so duh.
24. Actually slipped on a banana peel?: Nope.
25. Made a wish that came true?: The last wish I made was that I’d find a guy who loves me for me and all that good shit. AH FUCK i told. now it wont come true.
26. I once had a dream I was kissing...Leonardo Dicaprio. Ew.
27. I’m only racist towards... People who deserve it.
28. I don’t even know why I’m... Depressed
29. I’d give anything to h.a.v.e. s.e.x with... :smirk:
30. Nothing sucks more than having to... wake up every morning.
31. Its hot. I should take off my... skin.
32. It’s always more fun if you... fuck
33. You can’t eat steak without... getting it in your teeth. ugh.
34. You better shut up before I... kill you
35. Just put it in my... box
36. I really like you and everything... but this won’t workout
37. (i) I’m not who you think I am... o.O
(ii) I’m not who you think I am... O.o
38. Dude! Where’s my... penis?
Part Four - What Would You Do If..
39. A dirty old guy at the airport slaps your ass: Shudder.
40. You witness somebody about to steal your car: Kick them in the balls/vagina.
41. You wake up with a billion spiders crawling all over you and your bed: Scream.
42. You farted while giving a persuasive speech in class: Say it was part of the speech.
44. A genie lets you have three wishes: 1) unlimited wishes.
45. The government allowed you to choose one thing to be made illegal and one thing to be legalized: illegal...guys being assholes. legalize me making laws.
46. Britney Spears was at your front door asking for jumper cables: laugh at her and poke her boob.
47. You had a time machine: id redo a lot of things.
48. FOX gave you a half hour show to do whatever you wanted: Ruin peoples minds
49. Find the cure for cancer or the cure for aids: hm. whichever kills more people?
50. Have the power to fly, or the power to teleport: hm...fly.
51. The power to see the future, or the power to record your dreams: dream recorder
52. Be really skinny, or really fat: Skinny. then gain a little weight.
53. Be lost in a forest, or stuck in a box: box
54. Be in a drama movie, or a comedy: drama
55. Be in a hip hop video or a rock video: rock
56. Have your birthday on Christmas Day, or on Feb. 29th: February 29th
57. Live in the sewer, or in Afghanistan: sewer...maybe
58. Be in a mental institution or in a penitentiary: im allready headed towards the first.
59. Snowboard or hang glide: snowboard
60. Be a ninja or a pirate: ninja. i dont like boats.
Part Six - What’s the FIRST thing that comes to your mind when you read the following words?
61. Courage: None
62. Driver: Car
63. Yoga: Madonna
64. Bakery: Donuts
65. Roach: Joes Apartment.
66. Mushroom: caps
67. Sprung: penis
68. Exotic: sex
69. Pythagorean: new sex position!
Part Seven - Miscellaneous
70. Construct an acronym for these words. (example G M S = Give Me Steak)
a. S O L R A C: Stupid Old Ladies Race Acura Cars
b. D A N G E R: Don’t Annihilate New Guys Entering Rectums :D
c. C H I N A: Children hide inanimate new assholes (i have an ass theme going)
71. What is your definition of love: Fuck me.
72. List 3 words that are clues to identifying a person you are currently interested in: Punk. twentythree. England.
73. Reveal a secret about you that nobody knows of, but type it in acronym form: IMWTM
74. Close your eyes, turn around, then open them: POSTERS!
75. Were you too scared to do it: Nope
76. Who or what is your worst enemy: Love
77. Who is the last person you kicked: Chris
78. If you had to be a chess piece, which piece would you be: Fuck chess.
79. Name three people you know whose names begin with the last letter of your first name: Ana, Angel, Angel (diff Angel’s)
80. What’s one romantic thing somebody’s done for you: Candles. Evanescence. :sigh:
81. If you had to break one of your bones, which bone would it be: leg. So I can still type.
Part Eight - What Is Your Counter Argument.. (example: "You suck." ~~> "No YOU suck")
82. "Girls are nothing but drama.": Guys are nothing but assholes.
83. "Only idiots watch The Simpsons.": I allready knew I was an idiot.
84. "Kentucky is way better than California.": Anywhere is better than here.
85. "There’s nothing wrong with stealing.": Stealing is fun. Just not my stuff. Go rip off Hot topic.
86. "Alcohol is the answer to ALL your problems.": Isn’t it though/
87. "You don’t need to go to college to be a brain surgeon.": Don’t work on my brain....
88. "Music is stupid.": You’re dumb....
89. "Your car sucks.": Wow, so it’s like me?
Part Nine - One More
90. Predict who the first person is that will leave a comment in your box: What box.....where?! I have a box!? Why haven’t I seen it?!
Hope you liked that. First survey in awhile.
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::Ring in the New Year::
Well...it’s 2004.
Whoopidy-fuckin-doo.
I spent my New Years Eve online playing yahoo pool, since melo wasn’t up all day.
One more new years. alone
I didn’t cry like I did last year, no. But I wanted to. I hate spending New Years alone. I just want someone to kiss at midnight...is that so much to ask?
So I vowed some changes to be made this year. I hope I go through with them.
:sigh: I’m off to talk to Tony some more, I guess.
2003 Status- Worst year of my life.
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::Pent up agressions::
Dear Randall Warren Lage’,
We’ve had our good times...our bad times. There have been times when we can’t stand each other (like now) and there have been times when we were inseparable.
You are the most fickle person I have ever met. You need to learn what you want, and fast. This whole switching between friends and enemies thing has got to stop. You do it with me, Liz, Dana. It’s not cool. You most likely do it with others too, whether you are aware of it or not. It’s really unnerving to not know if the guy who says he’ll "always be there for you no matter what" changes his mind every week about whether he likes you or not. You sure know how to piss people off though, I’ll give you that. Not saying its a good thing, but eh. Whatever floats your boat.
Its one thing to want people to be happy and all that good stuff, but basically saying if ’someone isn’t happy enough for you, they aren’t your friend ’is a pretty kindergarten thing to say. We’re all old enough here to understand that that isn’t how the world works. And one more thing...Depression. It’s a word a lot of people throw around. I can understand the occasional sad mood, but unless you have a doctors diagnosis of the disorder, the word SHOULDN’T be thrown around. I’m one of those people with the diagnosis, but I am in no way trying to use it to justify my actions. Just because you’re Mister happy-go-lucky-bible-thumping-Randy doesn’t mean everyone has to be like that to be "worthy" of talking to you. It’s just...child’s play. :shrug:
Hypocrite. It’s a powerful word. I will use it here:
H Y P O C R I T E
That is what you are, my friend. Mainly about the "poison free" statement. Does everyone know how you used to be a little rave kid, hopped up on Ecstasy? Or how you used to get shit-faced around the time you and Ivy were together/broke up? I laugh in the face of your "poison free" ways. Stop damaging the culture with your BS.
One last thing to add: ANA IS NOT A SLUT! She has not done anything to constitute her as being a slut, nor do you have the right to use that terminology with her name. Stop trying to desecrate people. It’s, in the words of the great Samanthar: Re-tah-ded.
Oh yeah, Clayton is a great kisser. ;)
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::DISGUISE yourself through living in DENIAL::
Only good things that have happened recently:
*Completed my collection of Placebo cds. I got "Without You I’m Nothing" and "Placebo" yesterday from Best Buy.
*I bought the hottest shoes EVER. Black 4.5 inch platform sandals with a star cutout on the heel. :salivates:
*A guy kind of, sort of, maybe likes me. I might hang out with him tonight, hopefully.
Welps, today me and my "dad" went to the movies. We saw the new Jack Nicholson flick "Something’s Gotta Give". I had it figured out within the first 5 minutes. Movies are so...predictable these days. :sigh:
I hope I can go out tonight. I need to get out!!! AH!
Tomorrow...New Years Eve. Not doing anything as of yet. Maybe if my new found guy buddy can hang out tonight, and all goes well, I can tag along with him tomorrow night. Who knows :shrug:
My feet are cold. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m emo wha wha wha. :D "emo power"-Ana.
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::I drive myself CRAZY::
Well tonight was fun to say the least.
I got home. Not 5 minutes after, my dad comes in bitching about one thing or another. I asked him calmly to leave me alone, and he said no. I asked him again...and we all know how this goes.
I cried. I "brandished" an X-Acto knife and threatened my life. I stabbed myself in the side. It hurt, but the tears drowned out the pain. I cut, and bled. My dad called the police.
The cops came. The fire department came. The ambulance came and carted me off to the hospital.
I sat. I waited. I cried. I waited. I peed in a cup. I waited.
My dad got sick of waiting and he signed me out.
I came home and hugged my cat. I never want to go through that again.
Changes::Effective January 1, 2004
*No more cutting.
*No more shitty self image.
*Confidence.
*Pride.
*Self-Worth.
*Intelligence.
Thought you’d all like to know. Feel free to hit me if I don’t abide by these guidelines.
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::MISSing::
...And if I (:|:BLEED:|:) ...
...I’ll (:|:BLEED:|:)...
...Knowing YOU. DON’T. CARE.
isn’t something missing
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::Eye’m sorry...::
Brad: What the fuck is this mark on the wall!?
Gretchen: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Brad: That little bitch is fucking up my house even more.
Me: I really love how you blame everything on me, when you have no fact that I did it in the first place.
Brad: Well, you’re a little bitch and you deserve to be blamed.
FASTFORWARD
On phone
Brad: Yeah, and she threatens to kill herself
Chris: (Whatever he said here)
Brad: I really wish she’d just get it over with. I mean, if she did it I would feel no guilt.
Gretchen:Cmon Venescha, get out of the bathroom, everything is going to be okay.
Me: No! FUCK YOU! :takes apart razor blade:
Gretchen: Brad, she’s going to fucking kill herself!
Brad: Ha, let her.
In the moments that followed this conversation, I made my father a lovely picture out of blood to commemorate the phrase that keeps replaying itself in my head: ’I would feel no guilt if she killed herself.’
Brad: You belong in fucking boot camp, or a mental house.
Me: Yeah, well, you aren’t my father. You’re a sperm donor.
Brad: Yup, that’s right. Just leave and don’t come back, okay?
Me: Gladly. :goes online to find someone to pick me up.:
Brad: She won’t get off my FUCKING PHONE LINE! :disconnects phone lines to the house:
Me: WHAT THE FUCK! TURN IT BACK ON NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brad: No, my phone, my house, my rules.
Me: FUCK YOU! I’m leaving. :walks out of house and slams the door, causing the front porch light to break. Walks down the street while bawling and saying to myself "God just let me die":
I came back to the house to find my "father" bitching to my "mother" about how I’m so out of control, how he’s sending me to boot camp, and how he wishes I would just kill myself. From the time I walked in to the time when I called Mike is all a blur.
Me: Mike, I’m going to fucking kill myself.
Mike: Uhm, why?
Me: My "dad" just went off on me for no reason and he’s taking away everything. I cant stand living here anymore.
Brad: GET OFF MY PHONE LINE!!!! YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS!!! :goes to disconnect:
Me: If you never talk to me again, Mike...just know I care about you. Bye. :click:
From then on, I remember punching a hole into my bedroom wall, and socking a door a few times. I called Mike back and told him what was going on, but then the police showed up and pulled the phone out of the wall mid-conversation.
Police: What’s been going on?
Me: He yells at me for doing nothing, and he’s telling everyone he wants me to kill myself. He is NOT a father.
Police: Okay, well we all say things we regr-
Me: NO! you don’t understand! He says it all the time! You DO NOT tell your DEPRESSED, SELF MUTILATING daughter that you want her to die!!!
Police: Okay well you need to calm down or we’ll have to put you in jail.
Me: For what? I haven’t done anything.
Police: For whatever my pen decides to write. My pen can write a lot of things.
Me: Yeah, well so can mine.
Blah blah blah
Police: Basically, your dad can tell you whatever he wants because he is your parent until you’re 18.
Me: It IS NOT ACCEPTABLE to be telling your daughter that you want her to kill herself!!!
Police: Well since he’s the parent he can say whatever he damn well pleases.
FUCK. YOU.
My phone line isn’t working at the moment, but I’m typing this now while it’s fresh in my mind. Chris called me not long after the police left, and after his mom heard him say "what’s wrong?" since I was crying, she says "Oh God Chris, don’t let her pull you into her bullshit and make you all depressed now too." That made me feel lovely.
I need a place to stay. I don’t want to live here anymore. I need to get out.
Anyone want to volunteer their house? Please?
My Christmas has allready been fucked up. Oh well. Fuck me and sticking up for myself. Shit.
I’m going to go sleep to take my mind off of this. I’ve been crying for like 3 hours straight now. I can’t take this anymore. I need out...
WRITTEN ON DECEMBER 23RD
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::Sounds of VOICES so unpleasant::
I hate Christmas.
Parents. Yelling. Fighting.
Threatening my stuff. Threatening my life.
I just want it to end.
Everyone thinks I have it "so good" since I still have both of my birth parents. Fuck that, I’d rather have anyone else’s family. ANYONE ELSES! and I’m not fucking kidding. My family sucks ass, and all of my friends know it.
Well, most of my friends anyway. The one’s who are around when they yell at me and each other. I know Ana has witnessed it before.
Ever since I was fucking little....5 years old...they’d fight. I remember standing on a box between them to get them to stop fighting. That image has been burned in my brain for all eternity.
I’ve tried so hard...so FUCKING HARD to make this family work. And what do I get? I get shoved down, walked on, and kicked. Hard.
So. Fucking. HARD.
I’m sick of trying so I can be "normal". I’m sick of being little ms. nice girl. If they think I’m out of control now...ooOoo they have another thing coming.
I’m thinking of talking to Child Protective Services. My "parents" have fucked me up really bad, mentally. It shouldn’t be like this.
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::Jingle bells...batman smells...etc::
I got blank cds, a really cool cd holder thing, $100, and little stocking stuffers.
I’m tired. I need love. Hold me, someone.
Tomorrow I’m going to the mall to spend my money. I think I’m buying shoes. I haven’t decided yet. I’m *hopefully* going to stay the night at Mike’s, too. Wewt.
I need to organize my cds today. Yippe. This will be interesting. I almost forgot what cds I have. HA!
Welps, I’m off to go be productive...and try and get rid of my headache. Maybe I’ll sleep...hmmm...
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::these BANDAGES::
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
These bandages cover more than scrapes, cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes
I’ve been hoping your moping around the street again
I’ve been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap
I’ve been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made
These bandages are anonymity
I’ve been shaking from making an awful decision
I’ve been running and running
feels like my head is spinning round and round, around, around, around, around, around
I’ve been hoping your moping around the street again
I’ve been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap
I’ve been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made
For you, of you, let’s see what needles do
I’ve been shaking from making an awful decision
I’ve been thinking I’m drinking too many drinks all by myself
I’ve been running and running
Feels like my head is spinning round and round, around, around, around, around, around
Don’t worry now, don’t worry now, don
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::Sorrowful::
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you’re a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of...(cut off...meh)
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
:sigh: how true.
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