prosetry
"Force-Fed Regret" 10-5-09
a sharp white feeling
creeps up my chest cavity,
unwelcomed guest in a sound soul,
Conscience is questioned by
inexperienced strangers,
throwing theories around
like emotional grenades;
suffocation is really painful!
why can't I breathe?
there is no hand around my neck,
no grasp cutting off air supply
outside of my own impressionable fears.
I create a desperate mantra
I love my body, I love my body,
I love my body, I love my body
Please, dissipate and leave me be.
creeps up my chest cavity,
unwelcomed guest in a sound soul,
Conscience is questioned by
inexperienced strangers,
throwing theories around
like emotional grenades;
suffocation is really painful!
why can't I breathe?
there is no hand around my neck,
no grasp cutting off air supply
outside of my own impressionable fears.
I create a desperate mantra
I love my body, I love my body,
I love my body, I love my body
Please, dissipate and leave me be.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
taking over; saying goodbye, for now
covering up
layer by layer
the things I envied
so long ago
your marks
now replaced
with my colors
and you're far away
I'm stuck here
to make the best of it
to do things
I didn't plan
to put on hold
what I did plan
if you were here
this would be easier
I miss you
layer by layer
the things I envied
so long ago
your marks
now replaced
with my colors
and you're far away
I'm stuck here
to make the best of it
to do things
I didn't plan
to put on hold
what I did plan
if you were here
this would be easier
I miss you
- Touch (0)
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necessities
there are a few things i've needed
for a while now i've felt the lacking
the cold areas where hands should be
big hands that make warm spots on my body
when we touch our skin together
the empty spots next to me
in my bed, walking down the street, eating breakfast
the smiling my eyes make to those eyes that are missing
those eyes that need to smile back
the heaviness of a body on top of me
and the arms around me
the lips on my neck
the legs tangling up with mine
the belly pressing against mine
the hands on my breast
the breathing on my chest
that physical longing is beginning to ache
i feel it all over and i'm getting antsy
i need these things
and i need to give them back to someone
i need the heaving sighs now
<3jenni.
for a while now i've felt the lacking
the cold areas where hands should be
big hands that make warm spots on my body
when we touch our skin together
the empty spots next to me
in my bed, walking down the street, eating breakfast
the smiling my eyes make to those eyes that are missing
those eyes that need to smile back
the heaviness of a body on top of me
and the arms around me
the lips on my neck
the legs tangling up with mine
the belly pressing against mine
the hands on my breast
the breathing on my chest
that physical longing is beginning to ache
i feel it all over and i'm getting antsy
i need these things
and i need to give them back to someone
i need the heaving sighs now
<3jenni.
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plastic
a napkin crushed inside my used smoothie cup, the strawberry juices infecting it, reaches for the tippity top where a miniscule straw hole taunts the trapped paper.
this is how i feel right now, i'm seen but not for me; i'm trapped inches away from my exit and crumpled up when i want to spread myself.
i'm contained and everyone can see
this is how i feel right now, i'm seen but not for me; i'm trapped inches away from my exit and crumpled up when i want to spread myself.
i'm contained and everyone can see
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
back porch
sitting in the heat and reading on the back porch
occasionally feeling the whiskers of my cat perusing my toes
the slight breeze of a humid day provides for a slight chill up my spine
this may heatwave is theraputic, i'm warming up and releasing tension
turn the page and the sunlight shows hours going by, no more tv in the dark
the aroma of fresh fruits
the sound of beez gathering nectar
the water condensing in little rivers down the side of my glass
wearing shorts
no shoes
no bra
hair drying in the himidity
springtime that feels like summer--how delicious!!
--jenni.
occasionally feeling the whiskers of my cat perusing my toes
the slight breeze of a humid day provides for a slight chill up my spine
this may heatwave is theraputic, i'm warming up and releasing tension
turn the page and the sunlight shows hours going by, no more tv in the dark
the aroma of fresh fruits
the sound of beez gathering nectar
the water condensing in little rivers down the side of my glass
wearing shorts
no shoes
no bra
hair drying in the himidity
springtime that feels like summer--how delicious!!
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
up in the clouds
i'm not afraid anymore
of being alone
of being lonely
of being myself
i think of other things now
i'm excited and it has nothing to do with you
all i need is me
love is a desire, not a necessity
i'm looking forward to so much
to tomorrow
to next year
to my life
living is going to be such an experience
and i don't care whether or not you're involved anymore
all i care about is happiness
and never stopping living my life,
because it's way better than you
i'm better than you
i'm better without you
i'm not sad or bitter or regretful anymore
i'm looking up and smiling
<3jenni.
of being alone
of being lonely
of being myself
i think of other things now
i'm excited and it has nothing to do with you
all i need is me
love is a desire, not a necessity
i'm looking forward to so much
to tomorrow
to next year
to my life
living is going to be such an experience
and i don't care whether or not you're involved anymore
all i care about is happiness
and never stopping living my life,
because it's way better than you
i'm better than you
i'm better without you
i'm not sad or bitter or regretful anymore
i'm looking up and smiling
<3jenni.
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embrace
two people embrace each other
tied together by arms they are the epitome of humanity
chest to chest in a hug
people are never so real as this moment
uniting themselves
freeing themselves of all worry and doubt
not wondering if this person might hurt them
not thinking what terrible news will be on the tv later tonight
not mourning the countless who have died needlessly
in an embrace people find comfort
it is visceral and philosophic all at once
emotion and physicality combine to create peace
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
<3jenni.
tied together by arms they are the epitome of humanity
chest to chest in a hug
people are never so real as this moment
uniting themselves
freeing themselves of all worry and doubt
not wondering if this person might hurt them
not thinking what terrible news will be on the tv later tonight
not mourning the countless who have died needlessly
in an embrace people find comfort
it is visceral and philosophic all at once
emotion and physicality combine to create peace
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
hugs not war
<3jenni.
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fer serious..
so here's something i cannot stand..
i think about it all the time
and when i'm not thinking about it
i'm telling myself not to think about it
because i need to get over it
because i'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen
and i think about it more in the process
and i get so mixed up in what i'm thinking about
that i start to feel it rush in on me again
the total crush of crushes
the racing heartbeat
the sweaty palms
the fantastic dreams
the looking around corners to see if you might be there
i think about it and try to stop
and sometimes i get so close to not caring anymore
and then you smile at me the way you do
when you decide to be flirty
and you poke my tummy or give me an extra squeeze with each hug
my hopes get up again and next time i see you
i get ignored
left behind
not invited
i think about it more and more
and i get angry
and sad
and my feelings get bruised
again
and again
i don't want it to be this way
when it could've been so nice
i guess now it only matters if you want what i want
and what i want seems to be slipping through my fingers
again
and again..
<3jenni.
i think about it all the time
and when i'm not thinking about it
i'm telling myself not to think about it
because i need to get over it
because i'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen
and i think about it more in the process
and i get so mixed up in what i'm thinking about
that i start to feel it rush in on me again
the total crush of crushes
the racing heartbeat
the sweaty palms
the fantastic dreams
the looking around corners to see if you might be there
i think about it and try to stop
and sometimes i get so close to not caring anymore
and then you smile at me the way you do
when you decide to be flirty
and you poke my tummy or give me an extra squeeze with each hug
my hopes get up again and next time i see you
i get ignored
left behind
not invited
i think about it more and more
and i get angry
and sad
and my feelings get bruised
again
and again
i don't want it to be this way
when it could've been so nice
i guess now it only matters if you want what i want
and what i want seems to be slipping through my fingers
again
and again..
<3jenni.
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sunny and cold
the sun is out but i feel the wind biting at my skin
you walk by and smile
your face sunny as the sky
but all i feel is wind
cold harsh wind
biting at my insides
<3jenni.
you walk by and smile
your face sunny as the sky
but all i feel is wind
cold harsh wind
biting at my insides
<3jenni.
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mistaking dreams for reality
last night i dreamt you were asleep on a windowsill
and you had photos of some girl i've only seen in a movie
but i don't recognize her
they were all over your wall
and i was nowhere
i dreamt you didn't really care about me
and when i woke this morning my heart felt broken
none of this was real
and my heart felt broken
it feels broken right now
just the thought of being alone breaks my heart
and it's pathetic
..of course it's raining outside..perfect..
<3jenni.
and you had photos of some girl i've only seen in a movie
but i don't recognize her
they were all over your wall
and i was nowhere
i dreamt you didn't really care about me
and when i woke this morning my heart felt broken
none of this was real
and my heart felt broken
it feels broken right now
just the thought of being alone breaks my heart
and it's pathetic
..of course it's raining outside..perfect..
<3jenni.
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stuck at work listening to my campus radio while you're watching bio-dome with her
why do i get so jealous?
why do i get so emotionally enveloped?
why do i take things so personally?
why do i move so quickly?
why do i assume things?
why do i freak out at the slightest suggestion of insecurity?
why do i think i'm unworthy?
why do i think so much about things i cannot help?
why do i write about things in here rather than taking care of them in real life?
why do i find it so comforting to tell melodramatic.com my lame thoughts?
why am i at work and not with him?
<3jenni.
why do i get so emotionally enveloped?
why do i take things so personally?
why do i move so quickly?
why do i assume things?
why do i freak out at the slightest suggestion of insecurity?
why do i think i'm unworthy?
why do i think so much about things i cannot help?
why do i write about things in here rather than taking care of them in real life?
why do i find it so comforting to tell melodramatic.com my lame thoughts?
why am i at work and not with him?
<3jenni.
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this is good
our lips didn't separate for at least four hours
the last kiss was at 3:27am
i was laying sideways trying to fight off sleep
trying to fight off saying goodnight and goodbye
you were standing over me smiling
as you leaned over me my spine tingled with anticipation
when two lips became four i felt a blast of warmth shoot through my entire body
it felt so good to be held by you again
your long arms wrapped completely around me
your wide shoulders have a nook perfectly fitted for my head to rest on
your large hands warmed up my entire back
i fell asleep last night thinking how good it felt to be sitting on my bed with you standing between my legs so i could hug your hips with my thighs
just the look on your face when you said you didn't want to go drives me out of my mind
i don't know what changed but i'm not going to ask about it
and no i'm not going to stop kissing you and hugging your hips with my thighs
<3jenni.
the last kiss was at 3:27am
i was laying sideways trying to fight off sleep
trying to fight off saying goodnight and goodbye
you were standing over me smiling
as you leaned over me my spine tingled with anticipation
when two lips became four i felt a blast of warmth shoot through my entire body
it felt so good to be held by you again
your long arms wrapped completely around me
your wide shoulders have a nook perfectly fitted for my head to rest on
your large hands warmed up my entire back
i fell asleep last night thinking how good it felt to be sitting on my bed with you standing between my legs so i could hug your hips with my thighs
just the look on your face when you said you didn't want to go drives me out of my mind
i don't know what changed but i'm not going to ask about it
and no i'm not going to stop kissing you and hugging your hips with my thighs
<3jenni.
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this is bad
with a barely pounding head that reminds me of a non-alcoholic hangover i sit here and write about nothing
why do i write at all?
does it really make me feel better?
not much happens that is worthy of writing in such a melodramatic tone
yet i feel compelled to write it out
i feel like if i do not share with other people then what are experiences worth
if i don't write things down who will know i did them?
i don't want a blank legacy
i want one filled with vocabulary and description and action and depth
i want people i know to think about things i've done and wonder a while
writing lets me communicate my boring life with other boring lives so we can all live through each other
people need people
and i need to write
i need to write
<3jenni.
why do i write at all?
does it really make me feel better?
not much happens that is worthy of writing in such a melodramatic tone
yet i feel compelled to write it out
i feel like if i do not share with other people then what are experiences worth
if i don't write things down who will know i did them?
i don't want a blank legacy
i want one filled with vocabulary and description and action and depth
i want people i know to think about things i've done and wonder a while
writing lets me communicate my boring life with other boring lives so we can all live through each other
people need people
and i need to write
i need to write
<3jenni.
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"no more words"-berlin
*no more words
telling me you love me
while you're looking away*
don't pretend there's nothing there
when you look at me you want me
i can see it in the way you stand
your slightly angled lean
it's obvious i want you
take me why don't you
i'm waiting for you to sweep me up
let's stop with this uncertainty
the air in the room is ripe with lust
it's harder to breathe it in
so breathe in my air
sip from my lips the air from my lungs
give me what i want
your eyes say you want it too
give in
give up
give it
if i lick my lips any more they might fall off
can't i make it any more clear to you
they're yours to lick, suck, kiss
i'm so tired of playing these games
just do it already
<3jenni.
telling me you love me
while you're looking away*
don't pretend there's nothing there
when you look at me you want me
i can see it in the way you stand
your slightly angled lean
it's obvious i want you
take me why don't you
i'm waiting for you to sweep me up
let's stop with this uncertainty
the air in the room is ripe with lust
it's harder to breathe it in
so breathe in my air
sip from my lips the air from my lungs
give me what i want
your eyes say you want it too
give in
give up
give it
if i lick my lips any more they might fall off
can't i make it any more clear to you
they're yours to lick, suck, kiss
i'm so tired of playing these games
just do it already
<3jenni.
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in the freezing cold
i was walking in a jacket that in no way protected me from the wind and chill of february
over the ice and snow on the way to the store
the kid behind me fell flat on his face
amazing how booze can completely obliterate your ability to feel pain
he'll have a bruise today
when i was slipping and shivering and walking to the market i was thinking a lot about things that have been bothering me lately
i was with my friend Meagan and we hugged a lot because we feel for each other
we both have big hearts that are easily walked on
and we both keep opening up to let people do just that in the hopes that we will get a big heart in return
i was thinking of this guy
we've been hooking up the entire year
i really like him and i was under the impression that he really likes me
when i drink a lot i tend to think of things in a raw manner and that actually helps to clear things up when i remember my thoughts in the morning
i haven't cried in a long time but i cried last night
i was thinking of what it means that i long for people to want me
to be needed by some male who's probably going to be a jerk from time to time
to be the desire both physically and mentally of some guy..
do i need that validation?
am i sure that i'm a strong woman?
can i be independantly dependant?
i hated crying but at least it got rid of my makeup so i could sleep from 4-9am without rubbing the shit out of my eyes
i don't really know that i even like this guy
i mean i definitely find him attractive and i think he's a good kid and he's got the most adorable smile (when i say adorable i mean that i literally sit there in adoration when he smiles at me)
but do i really want him?
or do i just want the possibility that he's got what i need
do i want to want him?
that's probably more like it
but i love his hugs and kisses xoxo
<3jenni.
over the ice and snow on the way to the store
the kid behind me fell flat on his face
amazing how booze can completely obliterate your ability to feel pain
he'll have a bruise today
when i was slipping and shivering and walking to the market i was thinking a lot about things that have been bothering me lately
i was with my friend Meagan and we hugged a lot because we feel for each other
we both have big hearts that are easily walked on
and we both keep opening up to let people do just that in the hopes that we will get a big heart in return
i was thinking of this guy
we've been hooking up the entire year
i really like him and i was under the impression that he really likes me
when i drink a lot i tend to think of things in a raw manner and that actually helps to clear things up when i remember my thoughts in the morning
i haven't cried in a long time but i cried last night
i was thinking of what it means that i long for people to want me
to be needed by some male who's probably going to be a jerk from time to time
to be the desire both physically and mentally of some guy..
do i need that validation?
am i sure that i'm a strong woman?
can i be independantly dependant?
i hated crying but at least it got rid of my makeup so i could sleep from 4-9am without rubbing the shit out of my eyes
i don't really know that i even like this guy
i mean i definitely find him attractive and i think he's a good kid and he's got the most adorable smile (when i say adorable i mean that i literally sit there in adoration when he smiles at me)
but do i really want him?
or do i just want the possibility that he's got what i need
do i want to want him?
that's probably more like it
but i love his hugs and kisses xoxo
<3jenni.
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i know that it's not a party if it happens every night..//pretending there's glamour and candellabra when you're drinking by candlelight..
you abuse yourself because you say you need to feel
you need to feel pain to feel anything at all
you need to lie to me to tell yourself the truth
i comfort you because you need to feel compassion
i need to help you feel love to feel anything at all
i need to tell you the truth so you see your own lies
stop hurting yourself
stop shoving away your feelings
stop lying to yourself
stop lying to me
stop stop stop
<3jenni.
you need to feel pain to feel anything at all
you need to lie to me to tell yourself the truth
i comfort you because you need to feel compassion
i need to help you feel love to feel anything at all
i need to tell you the truth so you see your own lies
stop hurting yourself
stop shoving away your feelings
stop lying to yourself
stop lying to me
stop stop stop
<3jenni.
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why why why why why why why
i have this heavy haze hanging around my neck..it's clouded my eyes all day
all i see is gray
this smog encircling my head is just so thick with depressive doubt, i cannot see where i'm going
you and i had something
i fucked it up but there were reasons
you and i have a chance now
i want nothing more than to be yours
i want you to be mine
i want us to be together
that night we just lay entangled was so blissful
you've brought emotion back into my life
i haven't felt this way towards anyone since my heart was shattered
and i want you to hold the pieces
your hands are so big it won't matter they are broken shards
and now all of a sudden you are avoidant
you seem to run away
you have these reasons not to see me
or touch me
and i'm thinking too much and worrying
doubting that i deserve you
doubting that i deserve love again
cuz all i seem to do is overthink and act indecisively and ruin relationships
i know i fucked it up before but i swear i have found my head again
i want you to want me
i saw it in your eyes three nights ago
where is the spark
please bring it back
<3jen.
all i see is gray
this smog encircling my head is just so thick with depressive doubt, i cannot see where i'm going
you and i had something
i fucked it up but there were reasons
you and i have a chance now
i want nothing more than to be yours
i want you to be mine
i want us to be together
that night we just lay entangled was so blissful
you've brought emotion back into my life
i haven't felt this way towards anyone since my heart was shattered
and i want you to hold the pieces
your hands are so big it won't matter they are broken shards
and now all of a sudden you are avoidant
you seem to run away
you have these reasons not to see me
or touch me
and i'm thinking too much and worrying
doubting that i deserve you
doubting that i deserve love again
cuz all i seem to do is overthink and act indecisively and ruin relationships
i know i fucked it up before but i swear i have found my head again
i want you to want me
i saw it in your eyes three nights ago
where is the spark
please bring it back
<3jen.
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shadow free-thinking prose
shadows follow us..they're right on our heels.. what would happen if our shadows caught up with us? would we then become the shadow as it replaced us? would the shadow merge into us to create a new being entirely? would nothing happen? what if our shadows are more than just following us, what if they are chasing us, hunting us, stalking us.. shadows are more than just shade..they're the worst of us.. shadows are everything we do that is repressed, denied, because it contradicts our persona, our mask, our social self.. shadows follow us because we cast them aside..we abandon them because we are trying to put on a show.. what if we ignore our shadows for too long? what would happen if our shadows became revengeful, spiteful things that tailed right behind us, waiting for the perfect moment to unleash their fury upon us to make us see that the evil in all of us can help us learn, help us grow.. owning up to the evil inside you can make you a greater person, a more whole person.. no more bland puppet show performances.. no more going through the motions.. no more aiming to please.. if our shadows caught up with us how would we react? when we saw our evil counterpart looking us straight in the eye with glaring starkness..knowing we've avoided this moment forever, we've dreaded seeing our worst self.. what kind of conversation would we have?
[ok ok so in my theories of personality class we just covered jung's theory of archetypes and i'm very interested in his notion of a shadow..so obviously this prose was highly influenced by jung and his theory of archetypes..really interesting stuff..you should look into it..he's pretty crazy =) -jenni.]
[ok ok so in my theories of personality class we just covered jung's theory of archetypes and i'm very interested in his notion of a shadow..so obviously this prose was highly influenced by jung and his theory of archetypes..really interesting stuff..you should look into it..he's pretty crazy =) -jenni.]
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train of thought--6-8-06--
why is it that i am longing to be free and rushing towards dependence..when what i need is stability..strength..solidarity..why is it that no matter how hard we try, we ultimately control nothing..we are pawns on the chessboard called earth, controlled by some force..not god..not man..if anything it is nature..why is it that we seem to make it our purpose to destroy nature when it is the only thing keeping us alive..the one thing that separates us from the entire galaxy..why is it that asking questions should lead to answers, but more often than not leads to more questions..
--sadskirtedjenni--
--sadskirtedjenni--
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it's over now, the music of the night
everywhere i go i'm alone now
everything i do is solitary
every word i speak is singular
being independent was never this hard before
i know i'm not alone
but i'm lacking what i need
i no longer have the hand to hold
and that is something this girl dreams about every night
i'm far too taken with love
i feel empty without it
i miss the feeling of a hug and kiss goodnight
when it wasn't even a question of love
it was understood
just the look in your eyes would tell me everything i needed to know
i haven't even seen those eyes in months
i've quit you cold turkey
but i haven't quit love
i want to find it again
and i know it's too soon
but i feel it's the thing i need to live; to breathe
i feel like i'm suffocating without it
i've never been able to hold my breath for very long
maybe this time i will
maybe this time someone will pull me up from under the crushing weight
maybe this time i'll learn how to breathe without air; without love
maybe i'll forget it and harden my heart
maybe i'll give up and live my life without any breath;i'll live without living
i'll survive and not be alive
maybe i focus too much on love
maybe everyone else is wrong, and i'm right, and love really is the most important thing in this world
and maybe, just maybe, none of that will happen, and i'll be fine anyway..
maybe i'll just be ok..
--jenni.
everything i do is solitary
every word i speak is singular
being independent was never this hard before
i know i'm not alone
but i'm lacking what i need
i no longer have the hand to hold
and that is something this girl dreams about every night
i'm far too taken with love
i feel empty without it
i miss the feeling of a hug and kiss goodnight
when it wasn't even a question of love
it was understood
just the look in your eyes would tell me everything i needed to know
i haven't even seen those eyes in months
i've quit you cold turkey
but i haven't quit love
i want to find it again
and i know it's too soon
but i feel it's the thing i need to live; to breathe
i feel like i'm suffocating without it
i've never been able to hold my breath for very long
maybe this time i will
maybe this time someone will pull me up from under the crushing weight
maybe this time i'll learn how to breathe without air; without love
maybe i'll forget it and harden my heart
maybe i'll give up and live my life without any breath;i'll live without living
i'll survive and not be alive
maybe i focus too much on love
maybe everyone else is wrong, and i'm right, and love really is the most important thing in this world
and maybe, just maybe, none of that will happen, and i'll be fine anyway..
maybe i'll just be ok..
--jenni.
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tomorrow
i try over and over again
to stop replaying it in my head
sometimes feel like ripping myself to shreds
i'm sure you never even looked back
but you see
it's not so easy
for me
when all i ever wanted is gone
and it feels like these days are so long
to think that you could push me aside
and never even say goodbye
after all that we went through
all that i told you
all you told me
(did you mean it)
seems like i'm going over the edge
thinking what's going on in your head
still feel like a part of me is dead
and there's no sign you're feeling just as bad
but you see
it's not so easy
for me
when all i ever wanted is gone
and it feels like these days are so long
to think that you're not sick as i am
sleeping better than i can
after all that we went through
all that i told you
all you told me
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean any word you said
this will be the end of it
never think of you again
never be afraid again
to give myself
--jenni.
to stop replaying it in my head
sometimes feel like ripping myself to shreds
i'm sure you never even looked back
but you see
it's not so easy
for me
when all i ever wanted is gone
and it feels like these days are so long
to think that you could push me aside
and never even say goodbye
after all that we went through
all that i told you
all you told me
(did you mean it)
seems like i'm going over the edge
thinking what's going on in your head
still feel like a part of me is dead
and there's no sign you're feeling just as bad
but you see
it's not so easy
for me
when all i ever wanted is gone
and it feels like these days are so long
to think that you're not sick as i am
sleeping better than i can
after all that we went through
all that i told you
all you told me
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean it
cuz i did
did you mean any word you said
this will be the end of it
never think of you again
never be afraid again
to give myself
--jenni.
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- Bang (0)
were all my words wasted??
was every word i said to you in vain
was every promise wasted
was every embrace a silly game
was every kiss a lie that we tasted
was every day in the sun for real
was every outing a show
was every night a fatal appeal
was every morning a painful blow
was every minute with me so hard
was every smile ill-fated
was every touch leaving you scarred
was every sigh what you hated
was every "i love you" said through your teeth
was every "i need you" faked
was every "i want you" just kept on repeat
was every "please stay" half-baked
i find myself questioning every act
over and over in my head
and i realized we can't take anything back
we have to move on instead
i have to move on instead
was every promise wasted
was every embrace a silly game
was every kiss a lie that we tasted
was every day in the sun for real
was every outing a show
was every night a fatal appeal
was every morning a painful blow
was every minute with me so hard
was every smile ill-fated
was every touch leaving you scarred
was every sigh what you hated
was every "i love you" said through your teeth
was every "i need you" faked
was every "i want you" just kept on repeat
was every "please stay" half-baked
i find myself questioning every act
over and over in my head
and i realized we can't take anything back
we have to move on instead
i have to move on instead
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
(no title)
forgetting you is like pretending to have amnesia..
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine..
i don't remember..
then like lightening a memory hits my brain..
hits so hard i stop breathing for a moment..
a memory of feeling you hug me..
a memory of us dancing together..
a memory of just holding hands..
my lungs fill with air at last but now my day has changed..
and tonight won't end without some sort of breakdown..
again..
and again..
when will these memories stop striking..
i can go days without thinking about it..
building up walls against the hurt..
but it only takes one night of regression to strike them down..
a wrecking ball of memories crashing through my head..
it's not even that i love you anymore..
because i'm sure now that i don't..
it's the memories that kill me..
i knew in the beginning this would happen..
i knew it and i dove in anyway..
these memories are what's keeping me from freedom..
they tie me down in the past..
i've always been afraid of the future..
but to be scared of the past too is something altogether too intense..
i feel all my muscles tightening more and more each day..
my head hurts and i toss and turn at night..
my stomach is beating me from the inside-out..
i'm so tired..
i feel so frail..
not as strong as everyone thinks i am..
not so strong as you thought..
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine..
i don't remember..
--jenni.
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine..
i don't remember..
then like lightening a memory hits my brain..
hits so hard i stop breathing for a moment..
a memory of feeling you hug me..
a memory of us dancing together..
a memory of just holding hands..
my lungs fill with air at last but now my day has changed..
and tonight won't end without some sort of breakdown..
again..
and again..
when will these memories stop striking..
i can go days without thinking about it..
building up walls against the hurt..
but it only takes one night of regression to strike them down..
a wrecking ball of memories crashing through my head..
it's not even that i love you anymore..
because i'm sure now that i don't..
it's the memories that kill me..
i knew in the beginning this would happen..
i knew it and i dove in anyway..
these memories are what's keeping me from freedom..
they tie me down in the past..
i've always been afraid of the future..
but to be scared of the past too is something altogether too intense..
i feel all my muscles tightening more and more each day..
my head hurts and i toss and turn at night..
my stomach is beating me from the inside-out..
i'm so tired..
i feel so frail..
not as strong as everyone thinks i am..
not so strong as you thought..
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine..
i don't remember..
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
circles
and i'm back where i started..
feeling incomplete..
feeling less than me..
wishing for the past..
hoping for the future..
trying so goddamn hard to make it through the week..
if i ever deserved any love..
now would be great..
--jenni.
feeling incomplete..
feeling less than me..
wishing for the past..
hoping for the future..
trying so goddamn hard to make it through the week..
if i ever deserved any love..
now would be great..
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
something wicked
i know it's too soon
but the thought of you being with me is what's keeping me going
getting to know you more and more makes me feel like myself again
you're cool
you're cute
you're eyes are so shy
i day dream about my hands hugging your back
kissing you
sleeping side by side
am i taking this too far
am i setting myself up for disaster
like i always do
sometimes i doubt my trust
when i put it all on the line
but then i remember
i believe in life
and passion
and taking chances
all for the pursuit of that glorious hopeful future that dangles in front of me
if i don't reach out to my limits i'll never catch it
i feel that if i don't risk it all
then i risk never finding myself
i risk never finding someone to hold me
that's really all i want
it would be so nice for you to be that someone
but for now i'll stick to talking with you
and wishing
and dreaming
if i fall when i'm reaching for my future
i hope you'll catch me
i think we'd both love it
--jenni.
but the thought of you being with me is what's keeping me going
getting to know you more and more makes me feel like myself again
you're cool
you're cute
you're eyes are so shy
i day dream about my hands hugging your back
kissing you
sleeping side by side
am i taking this too far
am i setting myself up for disaster
like i always do
sometimes i doubt my trust
when i put it all on the line
but then i remember
i believe in life
and passion
and taking chances
all for the pursuit of that glorious hopeful future that dangles in front of me
if i don't reach out to my limits i'll never catch it
i feel that if i don't risk it all
then i risk never finding myself
i risk never finding someone to hold me
that's really all i want
it would be so nice for you to be that someone
but for now i'll stick to talking with you
and wishing
and dreaming
if i fall when i'm reaching for my future
i hope you'll catch me
i think we'd both love it
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
progress
--2-16-06--
sun is the only warmth i feel anymore
even then the shade creeps up
and dusk is inevitable
keep dreaming about what i should have said
it hurts to know i can never make those changes
and i let the chance pass me by
lying in bed not for rest, but because nothing brings me joy
i just reminisce and mourn
and i feel that must be what i deserve
moving on will be hard, but i know it will happen
i'm afraid to feel differently about you
and i'm afraid to feel the same
i wish i could erase you
wish i could feel ok about not loving you
wish someone could shake this despair right off of me
wish i could feel my insides relax;
my heart beat normally;
my lungs take in the fresh air
--3-2-06--
i'm feeling myself shaking up inside
it's unstoppable
i'm forgetting you
not for good..not at all
instead i'm remembering me
i'm not us, i'm me
you're you
we're broken
i'm feeling myself wake up
my eyes are opening and they aren't laced with tears
they see the sunlight
i see the sky
i see the people around me
i see me in the mirror and i'm smiling
i'm feeling myself again
--jenni.
sun is the only warmth i feel anymore
even then the shade creeps up
and dusk is inevitable
keep dreaming about what i should have said
it hurts to know i can never make those changes
and i let the chance pass me by
lying in bed not for rest, but because nothing brings me joy
i just reminisce and mourn
and i feel that must be what i deserve
moving on will be hard, but i know it will happen
i'm afraid to feel differently about you
and i'm afraid to feel the same
i wish i could erase you
wish i could feel ok about not loving you
wish someone could shake this despair right off of me
wish i could feel my insides relax;
my heart beat normally;
my lungs take in the fresh air
--3-2-06--
i'm feeling myself shaking up inside
it's unstoppable
i'm forgetting you
not for good..not at all
instead i'm remembering me
i'm not us, i'm me
you're you
we're broken
i'm feeling myself wake up
my eyes are opening and they aren't laced with tears
they see the sunlight
i see the sky
i see the people around me
i see me in the mirror and i'm smiling
i'm feeling myself again
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
HOW CAN WE ASK FOR A BLANKET AND A HABITAT??
tonight was what i needed..
a couple smiles thrown at me..
a little touch here and there..
so discreet..
but so obvious..
you make me feel flirty..
and i haven't felt that in a long time..
someone forgot about me..
but you noticed..
--jenni.
a couple smiles thrown at me..
a little touch here and there..
so discreet..
but so obvious..
you make me feel flirty..
and i haven't felt that in a long time..
someone forgot about me..
but you noticed..
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
i've seen what's going on..
it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it..
i can't believe it..
why?
did you ever care about me at all??
i can't believe it..
why?
did you ever care about me at all??
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
please please please
why can't i shake off this constant ache??
when will i finally be able to fill my lungs with air
and not be afraid to let this out??
how many times a day do i have to cry until i can't anymore??
what is wrong with me??
who decided it would be ok to let me love someone who doesn't love me??
where did i go wrong??
god, i miss you
--jenni.
when will i finally be able to fill my lungs with air
and not be afraid to let this out??
how many times a day do i have to cry until i can't anymore??
what is wrong with me??
who decided it would be ok to let me love someone who doesn't love me??
where did i go wrong??
god, i miss you
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
come on eileen-dixie's midnight runners
so many things went unnoticed..
now i see them..
now i understand it wasn't what we did..
it's what we didn't do that mattered..
que sera, sera..
--jenni.
now i see them..
now i understand it wasn't what we did..
it's what we didn't do that mattered..
que sera, sera..
--jenni.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)