::previous LJ/myspace post...exactly how I feel once again::
Everytime I wake up I think...oh great, here I am. Still alive. What will today bring? Nothing. Exactly. I have no point in being here anymore.
I don’t live for anyone, and I don’t want to live for myself.
All I do is sleep, eat too much, and sit on my ass online. That’s 98% of my day. The other 2% is spent in the bathroom bathing or on the potty. Ha..potty. ANYWAY...I have no real purpose for being here.
I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal, although I wish I had the balls to finally get it over with. It would hurt a few people right away, but they’d get over it.
Rock bottom is complete and utter emptiness. Complete and utter NUMBNESS.
Rock bottom is going to sleep every night, hoping and praying to God or Jesus or whatever you pray to that YOU WON’T WAKE UP!
Rock bottom is comparing yourself to everyone else and wishing your life was half as good as theirs so you can TASTE HAPPINESS AGAIN.
Rock bottom is listening to songs that aren’t even meant to be sad...and bawling all the way through them, wishing they would DROWN OUT THE SCREAMING IN YOUR HEAD.
Rock bottom is PARANOIA towards EVERYTHING.
Rock bottom is thinking the way I do ALL THE TIME.
Rock bottom is ME.
Show me the shadow where true meaning lies So much more dismay in empty eyes
"....The fact is, I can’t fool you. Anyone of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100un. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch in time clock before I Walk out in stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it. (and I do, God, believe me I do but it’s not enough.) I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt, and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, under appreciated
I understand you Kurt...I really, truly, honestly do. Maybe some of you understand him too. If you understand that...you understand what I’m going through right now.
Not only that, but my intense sickness is coming back. More of a mental sickness, though. Whenever I try and sleep, paranoia sets in. I hear my front door open and shut, and footsteps. I hear the TV buzzing like it’s on...but it’s not. I hear voices even though everyone is asleep and all the TV’s in the house are off. When I finally do get to sleep after the voices cease (or I block them out) and I cry, I have intense hallucinations as I drift to sleep, and insane dreams that feel real. I have dreams where I’ve ripped my stomach open and I wake up and my stomach hurts. So I check and nothing is there...... My stomach constantly has hunger pains, but the thought of food makes me vomit. I can’t eat anything. I just wish all of this would stop. I want to be normal again. Is that so wrong?
-May 1, 04
Amazing how I can feel the same 3 months later...
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