So. Fucking. Dead.

Have to wait a year to see the finale. Stupid people who make movies....grrr.

So I think something is seriously wrong with me. About a week ago, I was having really bad chest pains so I went to the hospital. They didn't find anything. But the pains continued for a while. They haven't hurt as much in the past couple of days, but it still hurts. Now the new development is blood in my stool. Like it is noticeable. So I am hoping this is a one off thing. Because if it isn't and I do got the the ER, with my luck they will take me off work. And my manager Mary, who swears she "justs loves me" is complaining that I am late every Sunday. I go in at five....and get there at 4:55. So fucking late.
Is this because I was gloating that I am the most healthy out of my family? Or gloating about never getting sick? Or is my body detoxing some weird crazy shit that it has somehow come in contact with? Cuz I have not touched anything drug related in about three months. Seriously. Since Wrestlemania. Because that is the Last time I went over to John and Sara's. So yeah. Crazy detox.
I am so dying slowly.

Seriously. I am not sleeping right now. Though I desperately wish to. I can't for all of the stress flushing through my system. My mother is having a stent put into her heart tomorrow. And guess who has to work?! Yeah.....me. So I am going to ask the manager if i can leave at like 7:30 of 8. Because Rajal comes in at 7 and then I can leave to be there. How fucking rocking.


But yeah....interweb has been so weird lately. Going offline for like...a year. Ok......going to go check my shit and then try and sleep. After I shower. Btw, Hansel and Gretel, the Korean version; one of the best movies I have ever seen.

Happy Meloversay to me!

Yeah. you all know who I mean. I have fucking complained about her profusely. Well her deal now is that I have gotten into her jewelry box and stolen a chain from her. So she says that the chain I have put the bead my sister got me is hers. No. Sorry fucker. Jennie gave me it for Christmas. Had the Eiffel Tower on it. You don't have anything that I can' find in better shape and I could but it myself. Because i have a job. I don't rely on mommy to bail me out a t every fucking turn because the harsh realities of life are to hard for my minuscule brain to handle. Get over yourself.

The noises of the computer sounds like someone whispering......and you can actually make out words. That is why I listen to music.....though when I listen to The Doors, I can hear talking in the music also......maybe I am schizophrenic.......

That is what I have been to you for oh so long my lovely Melodramatic. Have any of you missed me? I believe you have.

I am surprised Sara hasn't booted me from this site fo my length of inactivity. I have been dead for almost three months. And I have no excuse.

So to catch up a bit. Still working at McD's. Still a Crew Trainer. I think Kelley has adopted me as her new best friend. I think Kandy and her boyfriend are now my stalkers. I am serious on this note. They flip out if I have to walk home. They would make the perfect killer-duo.

I got a tattoo. It is a crescent moon made up of Celtic knots on my right leg a bit above my ankle. I have fallen in love with a comedy duo called the Umbilical Brothers. I finally received my "Don't Explain" DVD today. Fucking laughed my ass off. If I could I would marry either one of them. In an instant.

Going out for my birthday dinner tomorrow. Going to an Irish restaurant called McArthy's in Port Clinton. Jennie is planning on coming up on Saturday. Hopefully I will get drunk with her and Tim. Birthdays rock. Max wants to come up but doesn't know what will pop at. So keeping my fingers crossed on that note. I have stopped talking to my friend Amber.

She was in one of her oh poor me moods. Saying she has nothing to live for and all that jazz. And she asked why she was still here and I said (being romantic and shit. Because I do randomly put a romantic spin on shit that most people don't ever realise. Fucking odd.), "Because I am still here." I get a text back saying "You have your nieces and Family to live for. I have nothing." So I told her "So I am nothing? I get it. I'll leave you alone from now on." Only have spoken to her to tell her that she fucking hurt me.

And now I will explain why it hurt so much. Jennie if you read this, don't feel like she replaced you.(Because we both know she never COULD) In this instance you are a golden icon I did not want to sully with those feelings i had so long ago. It is no secret, or it isn't now, that I once wanted to die. Everyday. I was depressed. Emo. Psycho. Pick your poison. I hated my self. I cut myself. At one time I was proud to say to the friends who knew, that I had over two-hundred cuts on one arm. I was all into cutting. A couple of friends had slightly dabbled in cutting also. It never stuck with them because I think it was stress. Then I became friends with Amber who said she would cut. She knew what I was going through. So we developed a close relationship on how we felt bad. I knew if I felt like shit and wanted to slit my wrists Amber could talk it out with me. I wouldn't take it to other friends because I knew it bothered them. So it goes without saying, that someone who "knew" what I was going through and knew that I could help make it better, told me I meant so much to her, told me I was nothing in effect. And yes I admit. It prolly wasn't meant like that. I still have those urges where I feel like no-one likes me. I rationally know it isn't true, but I still think like that sometimes. It wasn't meant like that,but at that moment, I read it like that. It hurt because she would tel me that I had to stay in this world so she wouldn't lose me. And then to turn around and say that I was not fucking good enough to live for. Kinda fucking pissed me off.

And I feel so much better for it. I feel like I had a chain around my waist for so long, and now I don't. It is awful to say. I know. But I have low self image. I don't need any negativity. So I stay away from it if possible. Nothing keeps me down for long these days.

So, toodles for now loves. If any of you love me enough to want to keep contact with me when I die on Melo, ask for me celly. I'll give it.