archive
Frustration.
Does Wayne Brady hafta CHOKE A BITCH?
My sentiments wrapped up in a neat little package. I want my fungus. I want it now. I have the fucking money for it, so WHY ISN’T IT HERE IN MY LAP? I haven’t had any since Christmas time, and I want them again. Hallucinogens are the best...And I want them.
Billy made me paranoid about my eyebrow piercing. Like I look stupid with it...Which I probably do. He never said anything like that though, just that whoever pierced it did it too far back or something, so I can’t rotate the ring. I don’t really mind it, though. Whatever.
"I think that if I had strong enough pills I’d take ’em all and lock myself in my room and let ’em worry. But my God wouldn’t let me in Heaven if I took my own life."
My grandmother just said that. Isn’t that fucking depressing...? Those are the exact words that she used. I don’t really know what to say to that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk about killing herself, before. Just moving out; getting away from everyone here. This really doesn’t sit well with me, but I can’t do anything about it. Oh well.
My grandfather had picked up a bird egg the other day. I wasn’t aware of that, and I just saw it lying on the kitchen counter. I picked it up. I thought it was a rock. I smashed it in my hands. The yolk slid around the palm of my hand and fell out onto the counter. My fingers were sticky with the insides of the egg. I freaked out at first, but then I relized that the baby bird was dead a long time before, if it had been out of it’s nest for that long. If it’d been exposed to the cold for that long.
Fungus update:I have them. I’m going to pick them up within the next hour.
I want people to call me. I want to not be so dependant on one person. My Dad was right, co-dependancy is a bitch. Oh fucking well. I’ve dug myself into this. I’ve done it many times before. I’ve always gotten myself out. If shit hits the fan i’m not going to be alone for years. HE was alone because he used to slam crank and worship the fucking Devil. He let everything get to him. That isn’t me. I’ve been hurt so fucking bad, and yeah, I cry. I hit myself. I get depressed for months. But I go to shows. I talk to people online. I go places with friends. I fuck around with new people. I DO THINGS. I sound like such a whore. Oh well.
I think that I’m ready to be alone today. Am I? I’ll go somewhere with my sketchbook. My CD player. Be ALONE like I never am. Ever. This is just a fantasy, though. I can’t NOT be with him.
I want to see Molly. I also miss writing. I want some drama to fall into my lap so I have something to say that will amuse you. That’s all that I really want to do.
My arm is going numb. I want to have sex. Sex with you.
::Atmosphere@Breathing::
My sentiments wrapped up in a neat little package. I want my fungus. I want it now. I have the fucking money for it, so WHY ISN’T IT HERE IN MY LAP? I haven’t had any since Christmas time, and I want them again. Hallucinogens are the best...And I want them.
Billy made me paranoid about my eyebrow piercing. Like I look stupid with it...Which I probably do. He never said anything like that though, just that whoever pierced it did it too far back or something, so I can’t rotate the ring. I don’t really mind it, though. Whatever.
"I think that if I had strong enough pills I’d take ’em all and lock myself in my room and let ’em worry. But my God wouldn’t let me in Heaven if I took my own life."
My grandmother just said that. Isn’t that fucking depressing...? Those are the exact words that she used. I don’t really know what to say to that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk about killing herself, before. Just moving out; getting away from everyone here. This really doesn’t sit well with me, but I can’t do anything about it. Oh well.
My grandfather had picked up a bird egg the other day. I wasn’t aware of that, and I just saw it lying on the kitchen counter. I picked it up. I thought it was a rock. I smashed it in my hands. The yolk slid around the palm of my hand and fell out onto the counter. My fingers were sticky with the insides of the egg. I freaked out at first, but then I relized that the baby bird was dead a long time before, if it had been out of it’s nest for that long. If it’d been exposed to the cold for that long.
Fungus update:I have them. I’m going to pick them up within the next hour.
I want people to call me. I want to not be so dependant on one person. My Dad was right, co-dependancy is a bitch. Oh fucking well. I’ve dug myself into this. I’ve done it many times before. I’ve always gotten myself out. If shit hits the fan i’m not going to be alone for years. HE was alone because he used to slam crank and worship the fucking Devil. He let everything get to him. That isn’t me. I’ve been hurt so fucking bad, and yeah, I cry. I hit myself. I get depressed for months. But I go to shows. I talk to people online. I go places with friends. I fuck around with new people. I DO THINGS. I sound like such a whore. Oh well.
I think that I’m ready to be alone today. Am I? I’ll go somewhere with my sketchbook. My CD player. Be ALONE like I never am. Ever. This is just a fantasy, though. I can’t NOT be with him.
I want to see Molly. I also miss writing. I want some drama to fall into my lap so I have something to say that will amuse you. That’s all that I really want to do.
My arm is going numb. I want to have sex. Sex with you.
::Atmosphere@Breathing::
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It’s my motherfucking BIRTHDAY. And I can swear however much I damn please!
So. I haven’t updated my Melo in forever, and I thought that it was about due time.
I’m 16 today, and my little sister turned 1 today. It’s so amazing to think that she’s already that old. Before I know it she’ll be 5 or 6 years old, and talking and then not caring about me. Sad, I know, but what can you do? NOTHING. It’s all out of our hands.
I waited until 3 for Billy to get his ass to my house. He lags a lot, but I love the kid. Anyway, my Uncle wanted to go to House of Humor, so I went with him. I was looking down a street that we passed, and I saw Billy walking. We picked him up, and listened to Atmosphere while on our way to the place. It was neat. My Uncle was being really FUCKING loud though. It was annoying. I didn’t like it. We saw Lauryn working there. I then ran off to Michael’s because I wanted to steal a box of Sharpie’s but I couldn’t find them. We left. Got a ride to my Mom’s. A lot of people were there that I didn’t expect. Russell, Mary, Tom, my brother, other people. I was sort of freaked out, all of these people in one small space. So I stayed in my Mom’s room much of the time. My sister and I blew out our birthday candles on our cakes...Well, my Mom blew out my sisters. We ate. I got some shirts from Mary and Russell, and a silver necklace from my Mom’s parents. Then everyone left, and right away my Mom brought me to get my EYEBROW PIERCED. I really liked the place that I got it done...It was so cute, because in each piercing booth was a little stuffed animal that you could squeeze while getting your piercing. I had Tobasco the Bull Beanie Baby :D Kodi was right, the piercing didn’t really hurt. The only pain that I could feel was caused by the thought of the needle piercing the skin, because I could feel that. Anyway. I look fucking awesome so screw you.
I never have anything interesting to write about. GRIPING ABOUT GRIPING! NOOOO!
This keyboard is dirty. It makes me afraid to type...But I don’t really notice it ever.
HOLY CRAP. The Animatrix has fucking awesome art. I think I’ll watch it now...I’ll continue this update when it’s over.
Whew. I don’t know what else to write. I’m super tired. And I don’t feel like spilling my guts. I never seem to want to, anymore. It just takes too much time. Too much effort to spill to people who don’t REALLY care. Anyway. I’m off.
I’m 16 today, and my little sister turned 1 today. It’s so amazing to think that she’s already that old. Before I know it she’ll be 5 or 6 years old, and talking and then not caring about me. Sad, I know, but what can you do? NOTHING. It’s all out of our hands.
I waited until 3 for Billy to get his ass to my house. He lags a lot, but I love the kid. Anyway, my Uncle wanted to go to House of Humor, so I went with him. I was looking down a street that we passed, and I saw Billy walking. We picked him up, and listened to Atmosphere while on our way to the place. It was neat. My Uncle was being really FUCKING loud though. It was annoying. I didn’t like it. We saw Lauryn working there. I then ran off to Michael’s because I wanted to steal a box of Sharpie’s but I couldn’t find them. We left. Got a ride to my Mom’s. A lot of people were there that I didn’t expect. Russell, Mary, Tom, my brother, other people. I was sort of freaked out, all of these people in one small space. So I stayed in my Mom’s room much of the time. My sister and I blew out our birthday candles on our cakes...Well, my Mom blew out my sisters. We ate. I got some shirts from Mary and Russell, and a silver necklace from my Mom’s parents. Then everyone left, and right away my Mom brought me to get my EYEBROW PIERCED. I really liked the place that I got it done...It was so cute, because in each piercing booth was a little stuffed animal that you could squeeze while getting your piercing. I had Tobasco the Bull Beanie Baby :D Kodi was right, the piercing didn’t really hurt. The only pain that I could feel was caused by the thought of the needle piercing the skin, because I could feel that. Anyway. I look fucking awesome so screw you.
I never have anything interesting to write about. GRIPING ABOUT GRIPING! NOOOO!
This keyboard is dirty. It makes me afraid to type...But I don’t really notice it ever.
HOLY CRAP. The Animatrix has fucking awesome art. I think I’ll watch it now...I’ll continue this update when it’s over.
Whew. I don’t know what else to write. I’m super tired. And I don’t feel like spilling my guts. I never seem to want to, anymore. It just takes too much time. Too much effort to spill to people who don’t REALLY care. Anyway. I’m off.
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Tired tired tired tired tired.
Innuendo.
I’m really, super fatigued today. I feel like falling asleep on my desk. Because desks are comfortable sleep places. I have 10 more minutes of class.
I was with Billy all weekend. On Saturday, my Mom picked us both up. We went to the Museum of Modern Art. I LOVE the exhibitions. There was one, were there was a mobile type thing of baby angels circling around the ceiling. A strobe light flickered in the center of the ceiling, and the angels seemed to transform into helicopters and back again. It was weird. Billy and I just laid on the ground in the conter of the circling helicopters and angels for 10 minutes. It was pretty. We left after lying in that exhibition. We brought Billy to his halfway house that he was supposed to stay at. We waited for a half hour for one of his Probation Officers to arrive and bring him, but she never showed, so he spent the night. It was his birthday. My Mom bought us a six pack of Smirnoff Ice. We had a barbecue. We watched Matrix Revolutions. It was good times. The next day, she dropped us off at my house. We took the bus to Rasputin. I bought "Bigger Than The Devil" by S.O.D, and a demo from the local band Vornagarff of the lead singer. THey’re really fucking good. Vito is really fucking cool. You wouldn’t expect a guy that looks like him could belt out screams like he can. WAY NEAT.
After we bought the CD’s, we walked our asses over to Streetlight, because I forgot that it was really far away. I boguht "Painter of Dead Girls" by Pig Destroyer there. Way awesome. I’m turning into a metalhead, OH DEAR! Anyway, we lefdt Streetlight, and ran to catch the bus back to the Pruneyard. We waited for the 26 to come for a while, until I checked the schedule and it said that the bus wouldn’t come for another hour. We went to Barnes&Nobles and found a copy of Survivor in German. We read it. T’was neat.
And now, class is over.
I’m really, super fatigued today. I feel like falling asleep on my desk. Because desks are comfortable sleep places. I have 10 more minutes of class.
I was with Billy all weekend. On Saturday, my Mom picked us both up. We went to the Museum of Modern Art. I LOVE the exhibitions. There was one, were there was a mobile type thing of baby angels circling around the ceiling. A strobe light flickered in the center of the ceiling, and the angels seemed to transform into helicopters and back again. It was weird. Billy and I just laid on the ground in the conter of the circling helicopters and angels for 10 minutes. It was pretty. We left after lying in that exhibition. We brought Billy to his halfway house that he was supposed to stay at. We waited for a half hour for one of his Probation Officers to arrive and bring him, but she never showed, so he spent the night. It was his birthday. My Mom bought us a six pack of Smirnoff Ice. We had a barbecue. We watched Matrix Revolutions. It was good times. The next day, she dropped us off at my house. We took the bus to Rasputin. I bought "Bigger Than The Devil" by S.O.D, and a demo from the local band Vornagarff of the lead singer. THey’re really fucking good. Vito is really fucking cool. You wouldn’t expect a guy that looks like him could belt out screams like he can. WAY NEAT.
After we bought the CD’s, we walked our asses over to Streetlight, because I forgot that it was really far away. I boguht "Painter of Dead Girls" by Pig Destroyer there. Way awesome. I’m turning into a metalhead, OH DEAR! Anyway, we lefdt Streetlight, and ran to catch the bus back to the Pruneyard. We waited for the 26 to come for a while, until I checked the schedule and it said that the bus wouldn’t come for another hour. We went to Barnes&Nobles and found a copy of Survivor in German. We read it. T’was neat.
And now, class is over.
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Confetti cake mix, permits, hair dye, self esteem.
Krysta wakes up at 7:50. Throws on her snowflake pajama pants, Fraggle Rock shirt, sweatshirt that I FINALLY got back from Little Billy, and walk out the door. I get a ride to the Community Center for my last day of Driver’s Ed. Erin wasn’t there, again. I took her papers after the class, and I plan on giving them to her...One day? Heh. I got picked up and went to Long’s. An old Mexican woman stopped my grandfather and I, and she said that she was selling three roses for five dollars. My grandfather waved her off, but I bought some. For Molly. We went into Albertson’s. I bought cake mix, frosting, candles. All of that good stuff. Went home. I began baking her cake, and mixing the frosting. I tried to make fuchsia frosting, but I suck, and I can’t make red&blue food dye make that colour. Assholes ; So I just make her a pink cake. It has pink, white and purple candles circling the edges, with a Nightmare Before Christmas figurine in the middle. I forget what it’s name was..It’s either Lock, Stock, or Barrel. I dropped off the roses and cake at her house. I talked to her Daddy for a little bit, and then went home. Bleached my hair. it started falling out in the front, so I washed it out. I put in the dye. I blowdried it for 15 minutes. And now I’m here, the dye still setting. I’m superbored, and my neck aches. I’m craning over the keyboard because my hair is dried in front of my face. It’s all pretty and blue. I think I’ve done my hair this colour before. It’s going to stay in for months. YAY for laziness!
Crap, I had something witty to say a minute ago to make this entry more interesting...But I forget what that was. Fuck you! Oh, yes, rant. I hate it when people get all bent out of shape when others speak in the third person. It’s FUN to do, and it isn’t that fucking annoying, so get over it. There are probably MANY things that I could point out about you that annoy the bloody Hell out of me, but I don’t out of common courtesy and NOT giving a fuck. K. Anyway. Yesterday was neat. I got out of Driver’s Ed and bought my dye and such, and then took the bus to Billy’s. His Mom was napping, so we stayed outside and layed on the grass. He brought out a blanket, and we cuddled for EVER. It was nice. Then some guy turned up his mariachi music really loud. The cops came. His Mommy woke up, and we went inside. I finished reading Lullaby. That book was FUUUUUUUCKED. But I like it a lot. It’s almost better than Choke. OH MY GOD, IMPOSSIBLE! I’ve been reading a lot lately. I can finish books within three or four days, now. I like it. I want to start reading more difficult books, though, but I don’t think that they’d catch my attention, and I’m never want to read it. I’m a super picky reader.
Crap. I have an assload of Physics homework to do. I also have to memorize lines for a play. It’s okay though, because the play is being preformed late next week. I really want Billy to come see it, but he’ll probably be in school. DAMNIT. Damn school! Fuck the institution! Bleh...
My hair feels like straw. It’s so disgusting...Once I’m ready to wash out the dye, I’m going to sit and stew in the shower for a half hour, though. And after, my hair will be SILKY SOFT! YES!
I’m going to play videogames, now. Because I’ve written a lot of bullshit. And I don’t know what else to say...I LOVE BILLY!!!!!! WOO!!
::Incubus@Megalomaniac::
Crap, I had something witty to say a minute ago to make this entry more interesting...But I forget what that was. Fuck you! Oh, yes, rant. I hate it when people get all bent out of shape when others speak in the third person. It’s FUN to do, and it isn’t that fucking annoying, so get over it. There are probably MANY things that I could point out about you that annoy the bloody Hell out of me, but I don’t out of common courtesy and NOT giving a fuck. K. Anyway. Yesterday was neat. I got out of Driver’s Ed and bought my dye and such, and then took the bus to Billy’s. His Mom was napping, so we stayed outside and layed on the grass. He brought out a blanket, and we cuddled for EVER. It was nice. Then some guy turned up his mariachi music really loud. The cops came. His Mommy woke up, and we went inside. I finished reading Lullaby. That book was FUUUUUUUCKED. But I like it a lot. It’s almost better than Choke. OH MY GOD, IMPOSSIBLE! I’ve been reading a lot lately. I can finish books within three or four days, now. I like it. I want to start reading more difficult books, though, but I don’t think that they’d catch my attention, and I’m never want to read it. I’m a super picky reader.
Crap. I have an assload of Physics homework to do. I also have to memorize lines for a play. It’s okay though, because the play is being preformed late next week. I really want Billy to come see it, but he’ll probably be in school. DAMNIT. Damn school! Fuck the institution! Bleh...
My hair feels like straw. It’s so disgusting...Once I’m ready to wash out the dye, I’m going to sit and stew in the shower for a half hour, though. And after, my hair will be SILKY SOFT! YES!
I’m going to play videogames, now. Because I’ve written a lot of bullshit. And I don’t know what else to say...I LOVE BILLY!!!!!! WOO!!
::Incubus@Megalomaniac::
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Poll results, finally.
Have you ever tasted your own cum?
84 % said Yes.
16 % said No.
32 total votes.
84 % said Yes.
16 % said No.
32 total votes.
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Well I NEVER!
fill out and add one!
( ) i never have been drunk
( ) i never have smoked pot
( ) i never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) i never have kissed a member of the same sex
(x) i never crashed a friend’s car
(x) i never have been to japan
(x) i never rode in a taxi
(x) i never had anal sex
( ) i never have been in love
( ) i never had sex
( ) i never have had sex in public
( ) i never have been dumped
( ) i never shoplifted
(x) i never have been fired
(x) i never have been in a fist fight
(x) i never had a threesome
( ) i never snuck out of my parent’s house
( ) i never have been tied up (sexually)
(x) i never have been caught masturbating (at four times a day thats pretty slick!)
( ) i never pissed on myself
(x) i never had sex with a member of the same sex
(x) i never have been arrested
( ) i never made out with a stranger
( ) i never stole something from my job
(x) i never celebrated new years in time square
(x) i never went on a blind date
( ) i never lied to a friend
( ) i never had a crush on a teacher
(x) i never celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) i never been to europe
( ) i never skipped school
(x) i never slept with a co-worker
(x) i never cut myself on purpose
(x) i never had sex at the office (does the inventory room count???)
(x) i never got married
(x) i never got divorced
(x) i never had children
( ) i never had sushi
( ) i never had sex on the first date
( ) I’ve never eaten pastrami
( ) I’ve never seen an episode of friends
( ) i’ve never been to California
( ) I
( ) i never have been drunk
( ) i never have smoked pot
( ) i never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) i never have kissed a member of the same sex
(x) i never crashed a friend’s car
(x) i never have been to japan
(x) i never rode in a taxi
(x) i never had anal sex
( ) i never have been in love
( ) i never had sex
( ) i never have had sex in public
( ) i never have been dumped
( ) i never shoplifted
(x) i never have been fired
(x) i never have been in a fist fight
(x) i never had a threesome
( ) i never snuck out of my parent’s house
( ) i never have been tied up (sexually)
(x) i never have been caught masturbating (at four times a day thats pretty slick!)
( ) i never pissed on myself
(x) i never had sex with a member of the same sex
(x) i never have been arrested
( ) i never made out with a stranger
( ) i never stole something from my job
(x) i never celebrated new years in time square
(x) i never went on a blind date
( ) i never lied to a friend
( ) i never had a crush on a teacher
(x) i never celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) i never been to europe
( ) i never skipped school
(x) i never slept with a co-worker
(x) i never cut myself on purpose
(x) i never had sex at the office (does the inventory room count???)
(x) i never got married
(x) i never got divorced
(x) i never had children
( ) i never had sushi
( ) i never had sex on the first date
( ) I’ve never eaten pastrami
( ) I’ve never seen an episode of friends
( ) i’ve never been to California
( ) I
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I miss. I HATE MISSING!
Like, OMG, I’m totally in class right now. It seems to be the only time that I ever update anything anymore. Or go online period.
I’m SO FUCKING HAPPY! Amanda asked me to hang out with her on Sunday...I’m sosososososososososososoooooo excited! I miss her much. She’s such a sweetheart. I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself lately. My psychiatrist manipulated me into taking medication again. I was talking to him about how school makes me depressed and angry and everything, and then he turned the conversation into how my childhood was SO fucking bad. How I had no one, how my Mom didn’t care about me and how I had no parents. No one to cling on to. He made me cry. I began to curl up in a ball on the seat, sobbing. I stopped myself, though. I didn’t want to look even more vulnerable than I already did. After that, he told me that I HAD to get back on Effexor. It’s BULLSHIT. He thinks that I’ve been totally miserable for months and months which isn’t true. He doesn’t fucking know me, and he doesn’t want to help me. He doesn’t care about me. He just wants more money in his fucking pocket. I’ll be glad when he leaves.
On another note, Brittni lives in a house right across the street from where I go to my therapy sessions. Weird.
[edit]
I’m home now. I felt like I had so much more to say earlier. I hate time constraints. AND I HATE YOU!
I talked to Kenny yesterday. I was standing near him, and he asked me, "Why do you hate me?" I told him why I disliked him...I didn’t hate him. I was just bitter because I haven’t had any friends in so long, and he hadn’t talked to me, so I assumed that he didn’t like me. I assumed that everyone disliked me. He said that he thought that I hated him. Shelly thinks I hate her. Jennifer, too, which is SO far from the truth. I’m bitter because I WANT to be your friends. I think that you dislike me...So I distance myself from you, and bitch and complain like a loser. I want to matter to you. I want to go to the movies with you. I want to go to Golfland, and spend the night at your house, and make cookies and watch movies. I want FRIEND friends. I won’t ever turn you down. And I always give second, third, fourth and fifth chances.
Anytime that I hear "Mad World", get the chills. I don’t know why. But I heard it twice yesterday, and I could feel goosebumps form all over my skin. Fuck, I almost inserted a space filler. I have to quit that.
Billy came over, yesterday. he called his P.O, and told her that he had to study for exams next week, and his mom gave him consent, so he was able to stay out until 10:00. We took the bus to my house, and stayed in my room most of the time. My grandmother looked so happy and surprised to see him. She made him food, and kept offering cigarettes after he asked for one when he first saw her. When he would smoke, we would sit in the family room and he’d talk to my grandfather. I took a picture of his profile while taking a drag from his cigarette. It was so pretty. His eyelashes looked their longest in it. I really hope that those pictures come out. We also went back in my room, and he took pictures of me...NAUGHTY pictures. ;X I don’t think that they’ll develop one or two of them. He says that they will. Eh. I’ll probably look like shit in them, anyway. I just want my pictures of Billy...The entire roll is only of us. I’m going to buy a new camera, or steal one, today or tomorrow. I’m going to use that one to take pictures of everyone at the Saturday performance of M*A*S*H. I’m an usher at that show...It WILL be awesome. Trust me...What? If you want to go to the play, and you SHOULD, it’s in the Fremont Auditorium, and it starts at 7:30. I don’t know how much it costs. Oh well.
Back to Billy. I straddled him and...Plucked his eyebrows. He put on eyeliner and lipgloss. He looked so fucking hot. It was a really strange sensation when he would kiss me. We were standing up, and I was folding clothes. He leaned in close to me, and we kissed eachother so softly...It literally took my breath away. I got butterflies...I can’t even describe how it felt; that isn’t even an appropriate description. I’ve never felt that before. I liked it a lot, it made me feel so blissfully happy. We kissed many other times, but only once after that did I get that feeling again. It was innocent. I am IN love with him. Finally. He’s going to be a part of me for a very, very long time. I can feel it.
I totally fucked myself over on my Physics Midterm. Oh well, hopefully if I make-up the labs that I was absent for, I’ll at least get a B- in the class. That’s good enough for me, since I already have Two A’s. And that’s it.
::Esthero@Song For Holly:
I’m SO FUCKING HAPPY! Amanda asked me to hang out with her on Sunday...I’m sosososososososososososoooooo excited! I miss her much. She’s such a sweetheart. I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself lately. My psychiatrist manipulated me into taking medication again. I was talking to him about how school makes me depressed and angry and everything, and then he turned the conversation into how my childhood was SO fucking bad. How I had no one, how my Mom didn’t care about me and how I had no parents. No one to cling on to. He made me cry. I began to curl up in a ball on the seat, sobbing. I stopped myself, though. I didn’t want to look even more vulnerable than I already did. After that, he told me that I HAD to get back on Effexor. It’s BULLSHIT. He thinks that I’ve been totally miserable for months and months which isn’t true. He doesn’t fucking know me, and he doesn’t want to help me. He doesn’t care about me. He just wants more money in his fucking pocket. I’ll be glad when he leaves.
On another note, Brittni lives in a house right across the street from where I go to my therapy sessions. Weird.
[edit]
I’m home now. I felt like I had so much more to say earlier. I hate time constraints. AND I HATE YOU!
I talked to Kenny yesterday. I was standing near him, and he asked me, "Why do you hate me?" I told him why I disliked him...I didn’t hate him. I was just bitter because I haven’t had any friends in so long, and he hadn’t talked to me, so I assumed that he didn’t like me. I assumed that everyone disliked me. He said that he thought that I hated him. Shelly thinks I hate her. Jennifer, too, which is SO far from the truth. I’m bitter because I WANT to be your friends. I think that you dislike me...So I distance myself from you, and bitch and complain like a loser. I want to matter to you. I want to go to the movies with you. I want to go to Golfland, and spend the night at your house, and make cookies and watch movies. I want FRIEND friends. I won’t ever turn you down. And I always give second, third, fourth and fifth chances.
Anytime that I hear "Mad World", get the chills. I don’t know why. But I heard it twice yesterday, and I could feel goosebumps form all over my skin. Fuck, I almost inserted a space filler. I have to quit that.
Billy came over, yesterday. he called his P.O, and told her that he had to study for exams next week, and his mom gave him consent, so he was able to stay out until 10:00. We took the bus to my house, and stayed in my room most of the time. My grandmother looked so happy and surprised to see him. She made him food, and kept offering cigarettes after he asked for one when he first saw her. When he would smoke, we would sit in the family room and he’d talk to my grandfather. I took a picture of his profile while taking a drag from his cigarette. It was so pretty. His eyelashes looked their longest in it. I really hope that those pictures come out. We also went back in my room, and he took pictures of me...NAUGHTY pictures. ;X I don’t think that they’ll develop one or two of them. He says that they will. Eh. I’ll probably look like shit in them, anyway. I just want my pictures of Billy...The entire roll is only of us. I’m going to buy a new camera, or steal one, today or tomorrow. I’m going to use that one to take pictures of everyone at the Saturday performance of M*A*S*H. I’m an usher at that show...It WILL be awesome. Trust me...What? If you want to go to the play, and you SHOULD, it’s in the Fremont Auditorium, and it starts at 7:30. I don’t know how much it costs. Oh well.
Back to Billy. I straddled him and...Plucked his eyebrows. He put on eyeliner and lipgloss. He looked so fucking hot. It was a really strange sensation when he would kiss me. We were standing up, and I was folding clothes. He leaned in close to me, and we kissed eachother so softly...It literally took my breath away. I got butterflies...I can’t even describe how it felt; that isn’t even an appropriate description. I’ve never felt that before. I liked it a lot, it made me feel so blissfully happy. We kissed many other times, but only once after that did I get that feeling again. It was innocent. I am IN love with him. Finally. He’s going to be a part of me for a very, very long time. I can feel it.
I totally fucked myself over on my Physics Midterm. Oh well, hopefully if I make-up the labs that I was absent for, I’ll at least get a B- in the class. That’s good enough for me, since I already have Two A’s. And that’s it.
::Esthero@Song For Holly:
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Scarce.
I never ever update. In fact, I’m hardly ever online anymore. I never used to be able to go a day without getting online. Checking my email, going on AIM, writing in my journal. I’m just not nearly as compelled to do so anymore. It’s so boring. Just as everything else is. I’m not going to rant about redundancy as I always do(ahah, irony at it’s best.)
I hate my friends. I hate my school. I hate my apathy. I hate my stomach. I hate my face. I’m so sick of being a fat fucking slob. I always say that I am. Why the FUCK can’t I ever do anything about it? I have no willpower. It makes me sick. I really, seriously am considering kneeling in front of the toilet and sticking my fingers down my throat. I want it all gone, right now. I want to vomit up the fat, my stomach lining, my mucles. Everything. I just want to be skin and blood and bone and be fucking weightless. That won’t ever happen. Ever ever. I’m going to try. I’m going to stop eating. I hope. I want to. I’m growing bigger each day and it digusts me....I can feel my stomach expand, and it’s fucking grotesque. I hate it.
"Interesting hair colour. It reminds me of the green on pennies when they corrode."
People have been criticizing my looks all day, too. You might as well tell me I look like a fucking boy, and that I have no tits or ass and that I smell like moldy wet clothes.
In conclusion, I’m fucking gross.
I miss Molly. I miss Holly, Carlos, Ravi, Ori, Alec, Anna, Antony, Josh, Tony, Elise, Arjun, Caleb, Kenny, Sofiane, Tysen, Clark, Chris, Alex, Amy, Emily, Jovito, Karla, Dana, Amy, lots of people.
I hate people, so so much. I don’t look forward to seeing anyone anymore. I only want Billy. I finally fell IN love with him. About time. He’s my counterpart. My other half...I swear, he is. He might be moving in with my Mommy in a month or two. He’s a part of my family. He makes me smile so big...Not like anyone else can. Fuck, who else could I see as endearing when they wipe their runny nose off on my sleeve? Who else can I call brother and have the greatest sex ever with?? NO ONE ELSE.
I’m going to go now. Done ranting aboot crap. Kthx
I hate my friends. I hate my school. I hate my apathy. I hate my stomach. I hate my face. I’m so sick of being a fat fucking slob. I always say that I am. Why the FUCK can’t I ever do anything about it? I have no willpower. It makes me sick. I really, seriously am considering kneeling in front of the toilet and sticking my fingers down my throat. I want it all gone, right now. I want to vomit up the fat, my stomach lining, my mucles. Everything. I just want to be skin and blood and bone and be fucking weightless. That won’t ever happen. Ever ever. I’m going to try. I’m going to stop eating. I hope. I want to. I’m growing bigger each day and it digusts me....I can feel my stomach expand, and it’s fucking grotesque. I hate it.
"Interesting hair colour. It reminds me of the green on pennies when they corrode."
People have been criticizing my looks all day, too. You might as well tell me I look like a fucking boy, and that I have no tits or ass and that I smell like moldy wet clothes.
In conclusion, I’m fucking gross.
I miss Molly. I miss Holly, Carlos, Ravi, Ori, Alec, Anna, Antony, Josh, Tony, Elise, Arjun, Caleb, Kenny, Sofiane, Tysen, Clark, Chris, Alex, Amy, Emily, Jovito, Karla, Dana, Amy, lots of people.
I hate people, so so much. I don’t look forward to seeing anyone anymore. I only want Billy. I finally fell IN love with him. About time. He’s my counterpart. My other half...I swear, he is. He might be moving in with my Mommy in a month or two. He’s a part of my family. He makes me smile so big...Not like anyone else can. Fuck, who else could I see as endearing when they wipe their runny nose off on my sleeve? Who else can I call brother and have the greatest sex ever with?? NO ONE ELSE.
I’m going to go now. Done ranting aboot crap. Kthx
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Molly rocks. Period. Fucker.
e r rant ENTITY (8:56:33 PM): youre like, hi, i suck, but only sometimes, i know i am capable of rocking but for right now give me support
e r rant ENTITY (8:56:53 PM): pinar is like i dont suck, sometimes i can but right now and most of the itme i rock, fuck you if you dont like it, can i do yourmakeup?
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:12 PM): josh is like... hi want tu toak?
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:38 PM): august like <:D hi. *snuggle* I try to rock, but only cool people know I ROCK.
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:44 PM): billy is like
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:53 PM): *bite* when i rock.. i rock HARD.
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:16 PM): and last but not least is me
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:17 PM): and im like
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:22 PM): "i wish i could rock all of the itme, so when i dont, ill just pretend like i do. no one will know the idfference ;D"
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:28 PM): the end.
e r rant ENTITY (8:56:53 PM): pinar is like i dont suck, sometimes i can but right now and most of the itme i rock, fuck you if you dont like it, can i do yourmakeup?
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:12 PM): josh is like... hi want tu toak?
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:38 PM): august like <:D hi. *snuggle* I try to rock, but only cool people know I ROCK.
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:44 PM): billy is like
e r rant ENTITY (8:57:53 PM): *bite* when i rock.. i rock HARD.
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:16 PM): and last but not least is me
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:17 PM): and im like
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:22 PM): "i wish i could rock all of the itme, so when i dont, ill just pretend like i do. no one will know the idfference ;D"
e r rant ENTITY (8:58:28 PM): the end.
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I like to retrace my steps. I want to relive them.
I went to Homestead with Chris, today. I saw him at Fremont. He has the prettiest purple hair..I want it. He was sort of cool to hang out with, today. I missed his loud mouth ;. We went to 7-11. I bought him a Slurpee, and I bought myself one. We ran into Antony, Mike, and this one girl with pale skin and red hair...I forget her name. We were sitting in back of Starbucks. There was a blue plastic Rite Aid shopping cart sitting next to us, and the girl wanted me to cart her around in it. It was fun. We just giggled the entire time. She thought that I’d swerve into the parking lot. I had to push her up this hill when we reached the front of Starbucks. She nearly tipped over, but I’m awesome so I saved the day like woah. We had fun. I don’t know what happened to the girl, but Mike, Chris, Antony and I all walked to Serra Park and smoked a bowl. I didn’t have that much, so I was just lightly pleasently buzzed. We sat at the benches for a while, and then walked back to Starbucks. I met Molly there, and Kasper. She’s so fucking beautiful...I miss her body. I miss cligning on to it, and feeling so protective. I could break her ribs. We’re coming closer, again. Hopefully. I’m going to meet August WHEE! :D I’m really excited...But knowing me, I’ll freak out and think that he hates me, because he won’t talk to me. But then again, no one talks to me, anymore. Everyone’s sick of me, including myself. Woe is me.
I loved seeing Antony...He’s been deceitful lately, as far as I’ve heard...But he still seems so sweet...I could see it in him, before. Maybe after he got his ass beat his ego was knocked down a little. He stopped being such a dick. Who knows? Maybe he didn’t change. Maybe the people criticizing his behaviour were the ones who changed. Perception is such an unsure thing.
We sat on the bench, just like we used to. We hardly said a word to one another. Maybe it’s because he felt awkward. Maybe we just don’t have anything to say anymore. The Summer really had ended. Nothing is like it was, and it makes me angry. But I’ve ranted about that too many times. I missed the view from that bench so much. I tagged on it. I drew a muchroom, and a pot leaf, of course, as well as my name. The scent of the grass, the shade of the trees, the cool from the shade blanketing the sun. It all felt so good. It felt like home. Where I’m comfortable. But it was only two people, not the mob of faces that I’d become so used to seeing. It’s all so fucking different. It never will be the same...And I miss it so much. More than anything. Especially now. I’m so fucking alone. It’s because I alienate myself. I attatch myself onto one or two people, and abandon everyone else. Fucking hypocrite...I am the one who burns my bridges. I hate being histrionic, if that’s the term.
He told me he hated Sunnyvale. he wants to move away. It’s so boring here. Everything’s so the same. All of the time. Sunnyvale will suck you dry. Suburban so it’s security...You always have a place to stay. you don’t have to try. you don’t have to be good at anything. You can get by with being unmotivated. Everyone just fucking coasts by. Nothing is worth anything anymore. Everything has been done. It’s all fucking hand-me-down personalities and lives and jobs and homes and mentalities. You won’t fucking make it out alive here. I mean REALLY alive. You’ll make it out breathing, sure.
"Forget" isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.
I want to be glass. To be so pretty, prismatic, cold. Delicate. But I’m oily flesh and fat and disgust.
The days are turning into vomit-weather, again. I think that I should lock myself up during the summer and draw. Draw, draw, draw. Practice tagging. Buy hip-hop CD’s. Draw more. Devote my life to it. I need to get better. I must make a living off of it. Somehow. Play my bass. DO something with myself. Do less drugs. Go out and make friends. Fuck this introverted shy bullshit. Maybe I need to change me. Someone let me know, please? I don’t want you to humor me. I don’t like this situation that I’m in. I’m really fucking miserable. I want out. I want out of this body and out of this mind and out of this fucking town.
Krysta had a lot to write about. I’m in the sort of mood where I could write for hours and not get bored. And as far as I think, it wouldn’t get boring to read, either. I want to make an inventory of my life, I guess? I don’t think that’s the right term.
I need to not feel so empty and worthless all of the time.
I don’t care if I’ve posted these lyrics before. They’re so tight-fitting to my mood.
This town dont feel right
I’m fast to get away-FAR
I dressed you in her clothes
Now drive me far - away, away, away
It feels good to know you’re mine
Now drive me far - away, away, away
FAR away
I dont care where just FAR - away
And I dont care
FAR - away
And I dont care where just FAR - away
-The Deftones, "Be Quiet And Drive(Far Away)"
::Sigur Ros@Njosnavelin::
I loved seeing Antony...He’s been deceitful lately, as far as I’ve heard...But he still seems so sweet...I could see it in him, before. Maybe after he got his ass beat his ego was knocked down a little. He stopped being such a dick. Who knows? Maybe he didn’t change. Maybe the people criticizing his behaviour were the ones who changed. Perception is such an unsure thing.
We sat on the bench, just like we used to. We hardly said a word to one another. Maybe it’s because he felt awkward. Maybe we just don’t have anything to say anymore. The Summer really had ended. Nothing is like it was, and it makes me angry. But I’ve ranted about that too many times. I missed the view from that bench so much. I tagged on it. I drew a muchroom, and a pot leaf, of course, as well as my name. The scent of the grass, the shade of the trees, the cool from the shade blanketing the sun. It all felt so good. It felt like home. Where I’m comfortable. But it was only two people, not the mob of faces that I’d become so used to seeing. It’s all so fucking different. It never will be the same...And I miss it so much. More than anything. Especially now. I’m so fucking alone. It’s because I alienate myself. I attatch myself onto one or two people, and abandon everyone else. Fucking hypocrite...I am the one who burns my bridges. I hate being histrionic, if that’s the term.
He told me he hated Sunnyvale. he wants to move away. It’s so boring here. Everything’s so the same. All of the time. Sunnyvale will suck you dry. Suburban so it’s security...You always have a place to stay. you don’t have to try. you don’t have to be good at anything. You can get by with being unmotivated. Everyone just fucking coasts by. Nothing is worth anything anymore. Everything has been done. It’s all fucking hand-me-down personalities and lives and jobs and homes and mentalities. You won’t fucking make it out alive here. I mean REALLY alive. You’ll make it out breathing, sure.
"Forget" isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.
I want to be glass. To be so pretty, prismatic, cold. Delicate. But I’m oily flesh and fat and disgust.
The days are turning into vomit-weather, again. I think that I should lock myself up during the summer and draw. Draw, draw, draw. Practice tagging. Buy hip-hop CD’s. Draw more. Devote my life to it. I need to get better. I must make a living off of it. Somehow. Play my bass. DO something with myself. Do less drugs. Go out and make friends. Fuck this introverted shy bullshit. Maybe I need to change me. Someone let me know, please? I don’t want you to humor me. I don’t like this situation that I’m in. I’m really fucking miserable. I want out. I want out of this body and out of this mind and out of this fucking town.
Krysta had a lot to write about. I’m in the sort of mood where I could write for hours and not get bored. And as far as I think, it wouldn’t get boring to read, either. I want to make an inventory of my life, I guess? I don’t think that’s the right term.
I need to not feel so empty and worthless all of the time.
I don’t care if I’ve posted these lyrics before. They’re so tight-fitting to my mood.
This town dont feel right
I’m fast to get away-FAR
I dressed you in her clothes
Now drive me far - away, away, away
It feels good to know you’re mine
Now drive me far - away, away, away
FAR away
I dont care where just FAR - away
And I dont care
FAR - away
And I dont care where just FAR - away
-The Deftones, "Be Quiet And Drive(Far Away)"
::Sigur Ros@Njosnavelin::
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Multitasking.
It’s hard to update three journals at once...But by God, I’m a loser, and so I can do it!
Rating communities on livejournal suck. I can’t handle the rejection...Now, imagine how I’d handle rejection in a real life setting...Sort of scary to think about, no?
I’ve been looking at a lot of art, lately. I want to go with Jon during the summer to San Diego, and go to the Merry Karnowski art gallery...I’ve never really been to any art exhibitions. One, actually. The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art...Yeah. It was cool, I guess.
I want to change how I dress. Well, not completely, because some of what I wear is original. I don’t know. I’m just bored with my appearance, like I am with everything else. With my handwriting. With my art. With my poetry, which I don’t even write anymore. I guess that I should consider this a blessing, that my biggest problems in life are finding friends and a repititious lifestyle. It could be so much worse. I’m not even that depressed. Fuck people. No, I can’t say that. I need you.
I made a new screen name. The Grim Muffin. Just so you know.
I met a cool guy today. Jay. He drew a panda on my CD player, and tagged all over it. I love his style...He listens to awesome music, too. I like him lots. :D We took pictures in the photo booth, but the pictures never came out. : It made me sad, because there was one of me giving him a kiss on the cheek. It was cute. We went to Q-Cup and ate chickenstuff. And I stole two boxes of Pocky.
...Wow. Arrested Development is a fucking WEIRD ASS show.
I’m obsessed with this song, officially.
::P.J Harvey+Portishead@Linger::
Rating communities on livejournal suck. I can’t handle the rejection...Now, imagine how I’d handle rejection in a real life setting...Sort of scary to think about, no?
I’ve been looking at a lot of art, lately. I want to go with Jon during the summer to San Diego, and go to the Merry Karnowski art gallery...I’ve never really been to any art exhibitions. One, actually. The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art...Yeah. It was cool, I guess.
I want to change how I dress. Well, not completely, because some of what I wear is original. I don’t know. I’m just bored with my appearance, like I am with everything else. With my handwriting. With my art. With my poetry, which I don’t even write anymore. I guess that I should consider this a blessing, that my biggest problems in life are finding friends and a repititious lifestyle. It could be so much worse. I’m not even that depressed. Fuck people. No, I can’t say that. I need you.
I made a new screen name. The Grim Muffin. Just so you know.
I met a cool guy today. Jay. He drew a panda on my CD player, and tagged all over it. I love his style...He listens to awesome music, too. I like him lots. :D We took pictures in the photo booth, but the pictures never came out. : It made me sad, because there was one of me giving him a kiss on the cheek. It was cute. We went to Q-Cup and ate chickenstuff. And I stole two boxes of Pocky.
...Wow. Arrested Development is a fucking WEIRD ASS show.
I’m obsessed with this song, officially.
::P.J Harvey+Portishead@Linger::
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It’s so like you.
You know, kissing in the rain isn’t really as romantic as you might think. It’s just...Kissing. In rain.
I saw Billy today. It’s been so long...I don’t know what I feel. he’s an awesome friend, but I don’t think I want anybody...I know I’m just fooling myself into believing that I’m not at all co-dependant. I don’t think that he&I would be friends if I left him, anyway. He nearly cried over me. He claims not to know how to cry, really...I’ve never seen him cry before. It just feels so tired. How am I going to do this? Am I going to see him every day like I did? Or only the weekends....He’s beginning Jobcore sometime soon. He’ll be in San Jose near my Mom. I hate doubt. I hate how I think...I hate attraction. I’m such a fuck up. I hate people. I hate that she has to love me. I hate that I use people for their affection. Do I? I don’t even know what I am anymore. I don’t know what I feel. It’s all so fucked and used and recycled. Over and over and over again. I don’t know what I’m doing...Maybe this is Krysta missing Billy? Is that why I’m crying right now? What the fuck is this...I shouldn’t be sad. I have no life. I’m as good as dead. I have no one. Not Molly, that’s all fucked. I want Vermont to come and take me away and make me a better person. I don’t want drugs. how ironic that I say that, seeing as I’m getting high first thing in the morning, tomorrow.
I’m so God damn emo.
God you’re so fucking stupid. Anything you have to say anymore...Ew. That’s it. So much fucking better than me.
Someone help me, quick. I really feel like I’m drowning. I wish that what I wrote about wasn’t so damn cliche. Everyday life is cliche. Everyone goes through the same shit. I want to make things more interesting...Maybe I should do more drugs. Fuck up in school. Not care about anything. Fall in love with a schizophrenic. What do you think? It would make a good story...Wait, no it wouldn’t. It’s been fucking done. I’ve gone through the repitition before, so I won’t bother now. I’m getting so boring. Slip something in my drink. Rape me and kill me. Or just kill me. Not like I have any sort of self-worth or dignity left anyway.
Buy me a sketchbook. I wish that I didn’t hate everything that I create.
On another note, why the Hell has HIM gotten so popular? It makes me angry..They’re good but not THAT great. Just because Ville Vallo is a sex icon...
I have to make Shelly a belated birthday cake. I wish that she cared about me again. I miss her so much. She’s so fucking beautiful.
I swear too much. I need to make a shirt that says "Go away". I miss Jessica. I want to cuddle with Jovito&or Kat. I’m a whore. The end.
::T00L@Parabol::
I saw Billy today. It’s been so long...I don’t know what I feel. he’s an awesome friend, but I don’t think I want anybody...I know I’m just fooling myself into believing that I’m not at all co-dependant. I don’t think that he&I would be friends if I left him, anyway. He nearly cried over me. He claims not to know how to cry, really...I’ve never seen him cry before. It just feels so tired. How am I going to do this? Am I going to see him every day like I did? Or only the weekends....He’s beginning Jobcore sometime soon. He’ll be in San Jose near my Mom. I hate doubt. I hate how I think...I hate attraction. I’m such a fuck up. I hate people. I hate that she has to love me. I hate that I use people for their affection. Do I? I don’t even know what I am anymore. I don’t know what I feel. It’s all so fucked and used and recycled. Over and over and over again. I don’t know what I’m doing...Maybe this is Krysta missing Billy? Is that why I’m crying right now? What the fuck is this...I shouldn’t be sad. I have no life. I’m as good as dead. I have no one. Not Molly, that’s all fucked. I want Vermont to come and take me away and make me a better person. I don’t want drugs. how ironic that I say that, seeing as I’m getting high first thing in the morning, tomorrow.
I’m so God damn emo.
God you’re so fucking stupid. Anything you have to say anymore...Ew. That’s it. So much fucking better than me.
Someone help me, quick. I really feel like I’m drowning. I wish that what I wrote about wasn’t so damn cliche. Everyday life is cliche. Everyone goes through the same shit. I want to make things more interesting...Maybe I should do more drugs. Fuck up in school. Not care about anything. Fall in love with a schizophrenic. What do you think? It would make a good story...Wait, no it wouldn’t. It’s been fucking done. I’ve gone through the repitition before, so I won’t bother now. I’m getting so boring. Slip something in my drink. Rape me and kill me. Or just kill me. Not like I have any sort of self-worth or dignity left anyway.
Buy me a sketchbook. I wish that I didn’t hate everything that I create.
On another note, why the Hell has HIM gotten so popular? It makes me angry..They’re good but not THAT great. Just because Ville Vallo is a sex icon...
I have to make Shelly a belated birthday cake. I wish that she cared about me again. I miss her so much. She’s so fucking beautiful.
I swear too much. I need to make a shirt that says "Go away". I miss Jessica. I want to cuddle with Jovito&or Kat. I’m a whore. The end.
::T00L@Parabol::
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Joy?
Billy is getting out today. 1 o’clock, I think. I doubt I’ll see him, because he’s on EMP until the 18th. It isn’t too far off...But still. Do I miss him? I think I doubted it until today. I wonder how it will be...
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Impulse.
I want cookies.
I miss Molly...I totally saw her yesterday...I hugged her and squished her and I never wanted to let go. It’s been two or three weeks since I saw her last..She looks so pretty. Her dreds came undone, so her hair is just curly and wavy. I like it a lot. She’s such a good girl... =
I also saw Erin for the first time in months. She looked so adorable. She has her own style, I like it much. I want to start talking to her again, damnit. I wonder what she’s like? No clue. Not like any of this is important to you, though. I should just take amateur smut photos of myself and a girlfriend, and write shitty poetry about synth and angst and sex and drugs and death. Wouldn’t that appeal to you? Of course it would! :D
I got White Cheddar Cheez-Its. I have no need for you now.
I miss Molly...I totally saw her yesterday...I hugged her and squished her and I never wanted to let go. It’s been two or three weeks since I saw her last..She looks so pretty. Her dreds came undone, so her hair is just curly and wavy. I like it a lot. She’s such a good girl... =
I also saw Erin for the first time in months. She looked so adorable. She has her own style, I like it much. I want to start talking to her again, damnit. I wonder what she’s like? No clue. Not like any of this is important to you, though. I should just take amateur smut photos of myself and a girlfriend, and write shitty poetry about synth and angst and sex and drugs and death. Wouldn’t that appeal to you? Of course it would! :D
I got White Cheddar Cheez-Its. I have no need for you now.
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Taken from Arjun...Interesting.
Fill out this before reading the results, fucker.
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you
walking with?
Molly
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of
animal is it?
Frog
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I watch it, and reach for it but it hops away.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you
is your dream house. Describe its size.
A big house, with small rooms.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No.
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining
room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.
It’s a small table with only a few chairs, a huge bay window next to it.
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup.
What material is the cup made of?
Aluminum
8. What do you do with the cup?
Kick it around, and run after it even if my aim sucks and it goes far.
9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing
at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
Ocean
10. How will you cross the water?
Jump in and swim.
1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in
your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size
of your problems.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative
of how you deal with your problems. (Passive/aggressive)
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your
ambition to resolve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality... people are welcome at
all times. The presence of a fence indicates a close personality... you’d
prefer people not to drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are
generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is
representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with
the person named in number 1. For example Styrofoam, plastic, and paper
are all disposable... metal and plastic are durable.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards
the person in number 1.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your
sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative
importance of your sex life.
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you
walking with?
Molly
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of
animal is it?
Frog
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I watch it, and reach for it but it hops away.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you
is your dream house. Describe its size.
A big house, with small rooms.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No.
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining
room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.
It’s a small table with only a few chairs, a huge bay window next to it.
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup.
What material is the cup made of?
Aluminum
8. What do you do with the cup?
Kick it around, and run after it even if my aim sucks and it goes far.
9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing
at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
Ocean
10. How will you cross the water?
Jump in and swim.
1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in
your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size
of your problems.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative
of how you deal with your problems. (Passive/aggressive)
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your
ambition to resolve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality... people are welcome at
all times. The presence of a fence indicates a close personality... you’d
prefer people not to drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are
generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is
representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with
the person named in number 1. For example Styrofoam, plastic, and paper
are all disposable... metal and plastic are durable.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards
the person in number 1.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your
sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative
importance of your sex life.
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Before you drift into unconciousness,
I’d like to have another kiss.
Krysta is a bad girl. Five shots of Jack, two shots of schnapps, a forty of King Cobra and some doja. Slurred speech and vomit on the balcony is what sums up my night. Jovito took care of me, though...He talked to my Dad on the phone because my words made no sense. He walked me to their car when they came.
I truely do wonder how many times I’ve suffered from alchohol poisoning, now?
No one ever tells me that enough is enough. I need that. I only drink so much because if the alchohol doesn’t hit me right away, I think something’s wrong. Restraint isn’t the right word, but it’s the first one that comes to mind. I talked to Tony, and he said that he would be my "designated drink taker-awayer". Yay for responsibility!
He’s so fucking smart. He’s boldly opinionated and I love it. Everything he believes in has logic to it. I wish I wasn’t so intimidated by him, though. Then I’d have something to say and maybe an actual dialogue would ensue.
By the way, I just puked in the bathroom. Two seconds late and the floor would be covered. It seems that Peach Yogurt doesn’t agree with a stomach full of alchohol.
If you actually read my journal(s) on a regular basis, and read ALL of the entries, gspot me. I’ve been curious as to who cares aboot this shallow, deluded little girl. And tell me if you enjoy what I write and how I write. Sort of hard to critique that off of my newer entries...But eh.
::The Doors@Crystal Ship::
Krysta is a bad girl. Five shots of Jack, two shots of schnapps, a forty of King Cobra and some doja. Slurred speech and vomit on the balcony is what sums up my night. Jovito took care of me, though...He talked to my Dad on the phone because my words made no sense. He walked me to their car when they came.
I truely do wonder how many times I’ve suffered from alchohol poisoning, now?
No one ever tells me that enough is enough. I need that. I only drink so much because if the alchohol doesn’t hit me right away, I think something’s wrong. Restraint isn’t the right word, but it’s the first one that comes to mind. I talked to Tony, and he said that he would be my "designated drink taker-awayer". Yay for responsibility!
He’s so fucking smart. He’s boldly opinionated and I love it. Everything he believes in has logic to it. I wish I wasn’t so intimidated by him, though. Then I’d have something to say and maybe an actual dialogue would ensue.
By the way, I just puked in the bathroom. Two seconds late and the floor would be covered. It seems that Peach Yogurt doesn’t agree with a stomach full of alchohol.
If you actually read my journal(s) on a regular basis, and read ALL of the entries, gspot me. I’ve been curious as to who cares aboot this shallow, deluded little girl. And tell me if you enjoy what I write and how I write. Sort of hard to critique that off of my newer entries...But eh.
::The Doors@Crystal Ship::
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Awkward...?
Computer fixed. Sort of depressed. Feeling inadquate as always. Missing Billy. Wanting to go to the gym. Wanting to see Molly. Well, I will be.
I’ve been talking to Josh again. We stopped talking for a long time since my computer broke, but we’re
I’ve been talking to Josh again. We stopped talking for a long time since my computer broke, but we’re
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Tummy aches. Bwar...
I"m sitting at my Mom’s house once again. The air doesn’t feel so thick full with tension as it has before. Billy’s here, spending the weekend with me. I feel so comfortable. I love this house. I love how laid back it is...How people never fucking bother me. How I can see my sister and talk to my Mom. My little brother is coming tomorrow, probably. I wonder how that’s going to be?
My computer is still fucked. Oh well. After the first four days I got used to not having one. I think I like it best that way. WIthout it I actually go out and socialize. I’ve been a bit more extroverted...Not much, though. I’m just improving.
My stomach aches because I just stuffed my face with a lot of food. Today I had a burrito, and then nothing....NOTHING I SAY! And then I was all starving...And then I got more food...And was like...OMG *snarf* And such.
I miss Molly = I want herrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I miss Jessica, too. I’m spending Monday with Jessica. I’m going to her new house. It should be cool, I guess. I just hope that she isn’t expecting much physical attention from me..Well, more than cuddling anyway. It’s weird, conveniently, whenever I get a boyfriend and such, people become attracted to me. Maybe it’s because of the competition, or the drama that they could create. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind, and I’ve been having quite a few internal arguments and fights. It’s been pretty horrible...Sleeping with tears in your eyes and waking up with a heavy feeling in your chest. Things have been looking up over the past few days, though. Not so sad anymore. I think that I’ve gotten over it.
I feel like such a horrible person sometimes. I really miss Shelly a lot. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore.
I"m going to explode. It sucks. I’ll write my going away letter later tonight.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. I’M TALKING TO ARJUN. ARJUN MUTHAFUCKIN’ CHAKRAVARTY. Crazy mannnnn...Straight up dawg....
My computer is still fucked. Oh well. After the first four days I got used to not having one. I think I like it best that way. WIthout it I actually go out and socialize. I’ve been a bit more extroverted...Not much, though. I’m just improving.
My stomach aches because I just stuffed my face with a lot of food. Today I had a burrito, and then nothing....NOTHING I SAY! And then I was all starving...And then I got more food...And was like...OMG *snarf* And such.
I miss Molly = I want herrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I miss Jessica, too. I’m spending Monday with Jessica. I’m going to her new house. It should be cool, I guess. I just hope that she isn’t expecting much physical attention from me..Well, more than cuddling anyway. It’s weird, conveniently, whenever I get a boyfriend and such, people become attracted to me. Maybe it’s because of the competition, or the drama that they could create. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind, and I’ve been having quite a few internal arguments and fights. It’s been pretty horrible...Sleeping with tears in your eyes and waking up with a heavy feeling in your chest. Things have been looking up over the past few days, though. Not so sad anymore. I think that I’ve gotten over it.
I feel like such a horrible person sometimes. I really miss Shelly a lot. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore.
I"m going to explode. It sucks. I’ll write my going away letter later tonight.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. I’M TALKING TO ARJUN. ARJUN MUTHAFUCKIN’ CHAKRAVARTY. Crazy mannnnn...Straight up dawg....
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Burning bridges.
My computer is broked. I don’t know when we’ll be getting it back...I’m going to bitch&moan about it today, though. See if we can’t get it up&running again by tomorrow. I miss my computer, though it’s a Mac, and stained with nicotine, and has hardly any memory left...*sigh* I just miss talking to Josh and Molly. It seems as though I’ve been very isolated from people since our computer broke...Hm.
I miss Molly so much. I’ve been so preoccupied with Billy, it’s as if I don’t need anyone else...One day my dad came into my room after Billy left one day. "Do you even see any of your other friends? You know it’s great to have someone you can depend on, but one day he might not be there, and you guys might part ways and then you’ll have no one." He didn’t say it like that exactly...Hell, that’s something that I could figure out on my own, but I haven’t been taking it into account. I guess it’s because I’ve always been out and about and constantly in the presence of people...It gets frustrating. So lately, I just stay in my room with Billy all day and avoid people. Avoid my family anyway. I just don’t feel like being social. I just want to hold him and kiss him and fall asleep. I don’t want anything else. I just want sleep. But I miss hugging Molly...Squeezing her tight...Listening to her giggle. It always makes me want to melt...Her face is just so bright all of the time. She can transition from one mood to the next and it’s always something so inspiring to me. She makes me feel good about myself. I’m going to call her right after I get out of school. I hope she doesn’t have class then ;X I need to just be alone with her...Have my time with her. Understand her again...She was shaking so badly. I felt so good, holding her close to me...She kept shivering. I’d stroke her hair back...I cried over her. I remember telling Billy that when she began freaking out...When she showed me the baggy...I just began crying. she felt like a sister, or something...I can’t quite describe it. Not even a sister. More like my child. I feel like I have to protect her to some degree...I don’t know.
I’m going to go...Time to socialize with people that don’t matter. Joy.
I miss Molly so much. I’ve been so preoccupied with Billy, it’s as if I don’t need anyone else...One day my dad came into my room after Billy left one day. "Do you even see any of your other friends? You know it’s great to have someone you can depend on, but one day he might not be there, and you guys might part ways and then you’ll have no one." He didn’t say it like that exactly...Hell, that’s something that I could figure out on my own, but I haven’t been taking it into account. I guess it’s because I’ve always been out and about and constantly in the presence of people...It gets frustrating. So lately, I just stay in my room with Billy all day and avoid people. Avoid my family anyway. I just don’t feel like being social. I just want to hold him and kiss him and fall asleep. I don’t want anything else. I just want sleep. But I miss hugging Molly...Squeezing her tight...Listening to her giggle. It always makes me want to melt...Her face is just so bright all of the time. She can transition from one mood to the next and it’s always something so inspiring to me. She makes me feel good about myself. I’m going to call her right after I get out of school. I hope she doesn’t have class then ;X I need to just be alone with her...Have my time with her. Understand her again...She was shaking so badly. I felt so good, holding her close to me...She kept shivering. I’d stroke her hair back...I cried over her. I remember telling Billy that when she began freaking out...When she showed me the baggy...I just began crying. she felt like a sister, or something...I can’t quite describe it. Not even a sister. More like my child. I feel like I have to protect her to some degree...I don’t know.
I’m going to go...Time to socialize with people that don’t matter. Joy.
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I’m not so much a good friend as I’m a parent who never wants you to grow up.
I walked to the bus stop, and sat on the cool metal bench, who’s green faded painted had been chipped away in spots. The sun was almost completely set below the skyline, blanketing itself with soil and twisted metal and smog, not to be seen for another twelve hours on this part of the earth. The lights gave made me feel almost overwhelmed. I’d been depressed on my walk to the stop, for no particular reason. The orange, dirty streetlights glared and reflected onto the pavement. They bathed the plants that were dotted along the island which separated the two sides of the street, giving them a queasy rust-orange-dirt colour. Why was everything so much more vivid tonight than any other night? Why am I inspired to write about something so...Uninspiring. Mundane?
The cars pushed past one another on El Camino, their headlights blurring and melting into eachother. The lights. The fake fucking lights. The soft glow of the backlight behind the cream-coloured store sign. It made me feel sick. And then it hit me. I’m still alive, I wouldn’t ever do it...Really, I wouldn’t. It was an instinct. It felt like a primitive, gut instinct. Do any animals fling themselves into danger to rescue their children? I can’t think of any examples right now...But as those cars passed, I could fantasize. About my limbs and torso being crushed underneath those rubber tires. If the cars would skid when some short, fat, greasy little mad slammed on the breaks, then wouldn’t my body skid with it? I don’t know what burnt skin smells like. Not from friction. I wanted to fling myself in front of that white SUV. Chrome bumpers and side panels. The pain would be so...Painless. So quick. I would be gone. It would feel like running into the arms of your mother when she lost you at a supermarket. Seeing her. Feeling so complete now that you have something, someone back in your life. You’re not so alone anymore. Does this make sense to you? This is what I was thinking. I’ve never had any experience like that before. People are so afraid of death. Why...Hell, smoking cigarettes, stressing over exams and paying taxes, anything, everything...All of it. You’re only working up to death. The final solution[note:I’m not a Nazi]. Anything that you achieve in life really doesn’t matter. It may benefit people, but only for the time. You can’t save people. You’re only preventing the inevitable. Let the geriatrics pass on. Don’t string them up to wires and tubes in a bed and just...Let them live for nothing. Oh, but they want life. Yeah, a life of shitting and pissing yourself and being completely delusional, and not even being able to form coherent sentences? Fuck yes, that’s the life for me. Fuck you, once lepracy sets in, THEN I’ll really start living. Wanting to live.
I haven’t written in a long time. Hell, I’ve hardly been online at all over the past week. I’m actually proud of myself that I can put my social life ahead of my computer. I never used to be able to do that. There’s nothing for me here anymore...Except for journals. I’ve been to busy with my friends. With people who care. All of the time I give myself hope..."This is it. This is the group of people that really do care about me." Only when you’re drunk, babe. People come and go. I hate saying that I’ve found something solid...A few months pass and it all melts away. It doesn’t matter to you. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I hate analyzing things. No matter how feasible your conclusion is, it’s always wrong. From their perspective, from anyone elses. There is no one great truth to anything. What the fuck am I rambling on about?
I’ve seen Billy every day since Friday. He means so much to me...He’s so beautiful, and really sweet. Funny. He’s so much better than Ori ever fucking was. Billy loves my voice. He doesn’t want me to lose weight. He thinks I’m the perfect height. He likes ME, not my cunt. In fact, we’ve only kissed and explored bondage somewhat[ie:Krysta+Asphyxia=Headrush+Pleasure]. He doesn’t ask to have sex. He doesn’t care. He just grabs my arm and pulls me into him, and nuzzles me and holds me. He calls me before I call him. Every day. It’s so strange...Having someone who really cares.
He looks a thousandfold better in person, but even so, he’s gorgeous.
::Pantera@This Love::
The cars pushed past one another on El Camino, their headlights blurring and melting into eachother. The lights. The fake fucking lights. The soft glow of the backlight behind the cream-coloured store sign. It made me feel sick. And then it hit me. I’m still alive, I wouldn’t ever do it...Really, I wouldn’t. It was an instinct. It felt like a primitive, gut instinct. Do any animals fling themselves into danger to rescue their children? I can’t think of any examples right now...But as those cars passed, I could fantasize. About my limbs and torso being crushed underneath those rubber tires. If the cars would skid when some short, fat, greasy little mad slammed on the breaks, then wouldn’t my body skid with it? I don’t know what burnt skin smells like. Not from friction. I wanted to fling myself in front of that white SUV. Chrome bumpers and side panels. The pain would be so...Painless. So quick. I would be gone. It would feel like running into the arms of your mother when she lost you at a supermarket. Seeing her. Feeling so complete now that you have something, someone back in your life. You’re not so alone anymore. Does this make sense to you? This is what I was thinking. I’ve never had any experience like that before. People are so afraid of death. Why...Hell, smoking cigarettes, stressing over exams and paying taxes, anything, everything...All of it. You’re only working up to death. The final solution[note:I’m not a Nazi]. Anything that you achieve in life really doesn’t matter. It may benefit people, but only for the time. You can’t save people. You’re only preventing the inevitable. Let the geriatrics pass on. Don’t string them up to wires and tubes in a bed and just...Let them live for nothing. Oh, but they want life. Yeah, a life of shitting and pissing yourself and being completely delusional, and not even being able to form coherent sentences? Fuck yes, that’s the life for me. Fuck you, once lepracy sets in, THEN I’ll really start living. Wanting to live.
I haven’t written in a long time. Hell, I’ve hardly been online at all over the past week. I’m actually proud of myself that I can put my social life ahead of my computer. I never used to be able to do that. There’s nothing for me here anymore...Except for journals. I’ve been to busy with my friends. With people who care. All of the time I give myself hope..."This is it. This is the group of people that really do care about me." Only when you’re drunk, babe. People come and go. I hate saying that I’ve found something solid...A few months pass and it all melts away. It doesn’t matter to you. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I hate analyzing things. No matter how feasible your conclusion is, it’s always wrong. From their perspective, from anyone elses. There is no one great truth to anything. What the fuck am I rambling on about?
I’ve seen Billy every day since Friday. He means so much to me...He’s so beautiful, and really sweet. Funny. He’s so much better than Ori ever fucking was. Billy loves my voice. He doesn’t want me to lose weight. He thinks I’m the perfect height. He likes ME, not my cunt. In fact, we’ve only kissed and explored bondage somewhat[ie:Krysta+Asphyxia=Headrush+Pleasure]. He doesn’t ask to have sex. He doesn’t care. He just grabs my arm and pulls me into him, and nuzzles me and holds me. He calls me before I call him. Every day. It’s so strange...Having someone who really cares.
He looks a thousandfold better in person, but even so, he’s gorgeous.
::Pantera@This Love::
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My heart twists and contracts in my chest...
It seems to be the only thing that I complain about anymore. Haha, instead of complain, I meant to type "write". Froidian slip. They make me so violent. Someone get me the fuck out of here. Away from these mind-numbing idiots. These geriatrics. Their skin cracked like leather that encases the soft, sagging muscle, falling off of their bones. At least they are still competent, right? I almost want them gone into a nursing home...But that would be far too pitiful. I’m glad that they can still form sentences. Form thoughts. Use a toilet instead of urinating on themselves because they’re so sickly and bedridden.
As I sat in front of the computer last night, I found a paper clip. It was small, and coated in green plastic. Without the intention, I created a hermit crab.
I AM GOD.
My life could almost be a television show. It’s so disgusting...My home life, I mean. My personal life is beautiful, right now. Molly loves me, and I love her. I love Josh, and he loves me. I remember being at 7-11 the other night. Billy and Josh were standing outside smoking cigarettes, and I went inside to buy something with Molly. Coffee, I think. I skipped back outside, and I caught the tail end of Josh’s sentence.
"..You better treat her right or I’ll fuckin’ beat you."
That made me feel really good. Great, in fact...He cares about me. He was joking, but would he do it if Billy hurt me? Who knows...I think so. Billy seems to adore me so much...This is the perfect relationship for me. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s posessive and clingy like I am. It’ll get played out soon. It always does. It’s funny how every boy says that they aren’t every boy...But the experiences that I share with them are strikingly similar to that of others. I shudder when they utter those fucking words..."I’m not like everyone else." Bullshit. Arg...
I want a nice cold 40 of Old English, my boyfriend with his arms wrapped around me, and A Clockwork Orange playing in front of us. Two of those wishes will be granted today, hopefully. I want to stay sober...
I want to write a book. It’s too bad that it wouldn’t have a storyline. No foreshadowing. No climax. No Atonement. Just pretty black words leaked onto grainy, off-white paper. If I could make the reader feel what I’m feeling...Understand and dissect every human emotion. I would be happy. Does this make sense to you?
::Shortie@Close Up::
As I sat in front of the computer last night, I found a paper clip. It was small, and coated in green plastic. Without the intention, I created a hermit crab.
My life could almost be a television show. It’s so disgusting...My home life, I mean. My personal life is beautiful, right now. Molly loves me, and I love her. I love Josh, and he loves me. I remember being at 7-11 the other night. Billy and Josh were standing outside smoking cigarettes, and I went inside to buy something with Molly. Coffee, I think. I skipped back outside, and I caught the tail end of Josh’s sentence.
"..You better treat her right or I’ll fuckin’ beat you."
That made me feel really good. Great, in fact...He cares about me. He was joking, but would he do it if Billy hurt me? Who knows...I think so. Billy seems to adore me so much...This is the perfect relationship for me. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s posessive and clingy like I am. It’ll get played out soon. It always does. It’s funny how every boy says that they aren’t every boy...But the experiences that I share with them are strikingly similar to that of others. I shudder when they utter those fucking words..."I’m not like everyone else." Bullshit. Arg...
I want a nice cold 40 of Old English, my boyfriend with his arms wrapped around me, and A Clockwork Orange playing in front of us. Two of those wishes will be granted today, hopefully. I want to stay sober...
I want to write a book. It’s too bad that it wouldn’t have a storyline. No foreshadowing. No climax. No Atonement. Just pretty black words leaked onto grainy, off-white paper. If I could make the reader feel what I’m feeling...Understand and dissect every human emotion. I would be happy. Does this make sense to you?
::Shortie@Close Up::
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the tortoise and the hare.
Wow.
I just don’t know what else to say. I’m not jealous really, or angry. It’s a strange feeling. It’s strange that it would happen. I’m more bewildered than anything else...Or at least that word seems most fitting. It’s not really my business, I guess. It’s not as though she made it discreet at ALL, though. Congratulations, I think? I don’t know how she feels about it though. Wow. It’s crazy.
I just don’t know what else to say. I’m not jealous really, or angry. It’s a strange feeling. It’s strange that it would happen. I’m more bewildered than anything else...Or at least that word seems most fitting. It’s not really my business, I guess. It’s not as though she made it discreet at ALL, though. Congratulations, I think? I don’t know how she feels about it though. Wow. It’s crazy.
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...What?
I feel as though I’m being alienated by my peers. I’m stuck in quicksand. If I scramble to get out, if I try anything to save myself, I only am pulled deeper into my inevitable downfall. Death. What the fuck ever.
I swear too much.
I type music instead of much, and then corrected it. Who cares?
I’m wasting my life away, I’ve realized. Someone come save me? I promise to try this time.
I’m too fucking ugly.
I swear too much.
I type music instead of much, and then corrected it. Who cares?
I’m wasting my life away, I’ve realized. Someone come save me? I promise to try this time.
I’m too fucking ugly.
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Stoned.
I’m at Raymond’s right now. Tony and Raymond are in the other room. We’re toasted. My eyes feel strained but I don’t think I’ve been straining them. We are listening to hip hop, and Tony is trying to hook up the X-box. Raymond is burnt beyond belief. Chris won’t come over.
Just thought that I’d let you all know.
Just thought that I’d let you all know.
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Music...?(poll)
32 % said Emocore...
glassJAw, Poison the Well, the Used, Thursday, Thrice etc.
14 % said Punk...
The Unseen, Link 80, The Exploited, Choking Victim, Sex Pistols etc.
36 % said Metal...
At the Gates, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, Pantera etc.
14 % said Gothic/Darkwave etc...
Rasputina, Wolfsheim, The Cruxshadows, ohGr, HIM etc.
5 % said Hip Hop...
Eminem, Outkast, Hieroglyphics, Andre Nickatina, Tech N9ne etc.
22 total votes.
glassJAw, Poison the Well, the Used, Thursday, Thrice etc.
14 % said Punk...
The Unseen, Link 80, The Exploited, Choking Victim, Sex Pistols etc.
36 % said Metal...
At the Gates, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, Pantera etc.
14 % said Gothic/Darkwave etc...
Rasputina, Wolfsheim, The Cruxshadows, ohGr, HIM etc.
5 % said Hip Hop...
Eminem, Outkast, Hieroglyphics, Andre Nickatina, Tech N9ne etc.
22 total votes.
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Sweet.
Jesse just called me and sang me "Feliz Navidad". I miss him. He’s also going to call Ori and wish him a Merry Christmas. o_o; Now, who can sense the irony in THAT?
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Pent up sexual frustration.
You’re my little ballerina. You dance when I turn the crank on the music box. Only for me. You are too fucking beautiful. I’ll wrap my arms around you tightly, you can’t breathe. I put my mouth on yours. No kiss. No tongue. Just breathe me in. Slowly. Slowly I dig my nails into the nape of your neck. My fucking beautiful little ballerina. Let my hands and mouth explore beneath your clothes. Teach me how to love you. Pull my hair. Bite me. Lick me. Your skin is so soft. Your frame so small. Let me wrap my arms and legs around you. You’ll be safe when you’re inside of me. You will feel the heat from my body burning your chest. Love me.
And then I woke up and realized that it was 8:00 a.m on a Tuesday morning, and I was lying there alone in my bed.
And then I woke up and realized that it was 8:00 a.m on a Tuesday morning, and I was lying there alone in my bed.
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Happy Anniversary.
My one year anniversary on Melo has come and gone. Woohoo. Let’s celebrate, everyone...Uh..Yeah. I started off using Starfucker, not this username, when I began using Melo. I’m tired. Ryan hasn’t called. I’m assuming that he never arrived. Oh well.
Ph33r my m3l0pl4y3r,f00
Ph33r my m3l0pl4y3r,f00
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The echo of a violin.
I’ve been wanting to learn how to play classical intruments for a while. I want to learn how to play the cello and harp. I know that I will never be able to, though. Too costly to buy either instruments, and it would probably be incredibly hard to learn how to play either. I’d feel so accomplished if I ever did learn. I should keep on playing my bass. I’m so horrible at it, but lately when I play, I try to get a feel for the movements and frets. I try to play with my eyes closed, or at least looking off somewhere else. I figure out simple riffs or whatever, and I try to play them softly and fluidly. It’s hard for me not to play stiffly.
I’ve been through this. But I don’t want to be human. I want to be a sponge, figuratively. I could be intangible or counterwise. It doesn’t matter, as long as I could soak up all of the information that there is. Listen to every band, every song, every damn note. There are so many beautiful things in this world. I wish that I could enjoy every breath I take, but humans have to monopolize my happiness. I just have to learn NOT to care, but it’s so god damn hard for someone like me to do so. I think I get so attached to people because I’m afraid of losing them. I lost my Mom for years. I don’t even think I knew where she was. I was too young to understand what was going on. I remember seeing so many horrible things go on when I was a child. I was so innocent, and watching these horrible things, it felt so unreal. Did I think I would be safe from it all? No matter how close it hit me, I don’t think I cried much. I’ve finally begun to understand that I will not be safe. That I am exposed. I’ve been thrust into the real world, and people know how to be fucking cruel. They’ve turned me into the same thing, but I’d like to think that I’m trying to change. It’s so easy to say those words, but doing it is so complicated. It changes who I am, and if your beliefs have been engrained so deeply into your mind, you don’t want to change even if you think that what you do is wrong.
Daryl’s voice makes me want to cry right now. It makes me feel warm, I guess? In this song, anyway.
Ryan is coming today. My precious Muffin..^_^; I really hope to see him. I sort of ditched him last time I was supposed to meet him, which I feel horrible for...I feel obligated by myself to tell him that I love him. I wonder if that’s a good thing? He’s such a sweetheart. I want him to move back down to the South Bay. He would keep me away from the drugs. He would occupy my time. I’ve hardly ever seen his face. He must mean so much. I take him for granted sometimes. And fragmented sentences run wild across this Melo. Good times.
I really miss Leise a lot. I have so many pieces of her scattered around me, and it reminds me of being around her...Kissing on the playground. Watching her wrap up a broken Dorito and leave it under her Christmas tree as a present for Benji. Eating pizza with Caleb. Going to Tsunami Bomb, and talking about Alice in Wonderland...Actually mustering up the courage to ask her out...And then the plan got shot down. And I guess I over reacted. But can you blame me? At least I stopped crying quickly. I shouldn’t have said things that I did to her. I shouldn’t have seemed so obsessed. I wasn’t...Most things were late night rants, when I was very emotional, and her screen name was the only one active. Hah, I’m so lame. I will forever have a soft spot for you, the only girl that I’ve ever loved. I don’t want a kiss from you. I don’t want you for myself. I don’t want a hug. Just a friendly hello? I still have Leise-Doh, and your P-Chan keychain ; I know I won’t ever mend what I ruined, but it’s still nice to think that I’d ever have a chance at friendship.
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin,
Because each note sounds so pure
It just cuts into her
And then the melody comes pouring out her eyes.
And now to everything to me just sounds like a lie.
I write too much. Now, time for schoolwork.
::System of a Down@Spiders::
I’ve been through this. But I don’t want to be human. I want to be a sponge, figuratively. I could be intangible or counterwise. It doesn’t matter, as long as I could soak up all of the information that there is. Listen to every band, every song, every damn note. There are so many beautiful things in this world. I wish that I could enjoy every breath I take, but humans have to monopolize my happiness. I just have to learn NOT to care, but it’s so god damn hard for someone like me to do so. I think I get so attached to people because I’m afraid of losing them. I lost my Mom for years. I don’t even think I knew where she was. I was too young to understand what was going on. I remember seeing so many horrible things go on when I was a child. I was so innocent, and watching these horrible things, it felt so unreal. Did I think I would be safe from it all? No matter how close it hit me, I don’t think I cried much. I’ve finally begun to understand that I will not be safe. That I am exposed. I’ve been thrust into the real world, and people know how to be fucking cruel. They’ve turned me into the same thing, but I’d like to think that I’m trying to change. It’s so easy to say those words, but doing it is so complicated. It changes who I am, and if your beliefs have been engrained so deeply into your mind, you don’t want to change even if you think that what you do is wrong.
Daryl’s voice makes me want to cry right now. It makes me feel warm, I guess? In this song, anyway.
Ryan is coming today. My precious Muffin..^_^; I really hope to see him. I sort of ditched him last time I was supposed to meet him, which I feel horrible for...I feel obligated by myself to tell him that I love him. I wonder if that’s a good thing? He’s such a sweetheart. I want him to move back down to the South Bay. He would keep me away from the drugs. He would occupy my time. I’ve hardly ever seen his face. He must mean so much. I take him for granted sometimes. And fragmented sentences run wild across this Melo. Good times.
I really miss Leise a lot. I have so many pieces of her scattered around me, and it reminds me of being around her...Kissing on the playground. Watching her wrap up a broken Dorito and leave it under her Christmas tree as a present for Benji. Eating pizza with Caleb. Going to Tsunami Bomb, and talking about Alice in Wonderland...Actually mustering up the courage to ask her out...And then the plan got shot down. And I guess I over reacted. But can you blame me? At least I stopped crying quickly. I shouldn’t have said things that I did to her. I shouldn’t have seemed so obsessed. I wasn’t...Most things were late night rants, when I was very emotional, and her screen name was the only one active. Hah, I’m so lame. I will forever have a soft spot for you, the only girl that I’ve ever loved. I don’t want a kiss from you. I don’t want you for myself. I don’t want a hug. Just a friendly hello? I still have Leise-Doh, and your P-Chan keychain ; I know I won’t ever mend what I ruined, but it’s still nice to think that I’d ever have a chance at friendship.
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin,
Because each note sounds so pure
It just cuts into her
And then the melody comes pouring out her eyes.
And now to everything to me just sounds like a lie.
I write too much. Now, time for schoolwork.
::System of a Down@Spiders::
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