There is one thing I am sure of about any place within the health field. This one thing is characteristic to human nature, and is often overcome by "hardening" the mind--or soul--so that one is unable to tell the difference anymore. It's what one experiences when he or she witnesses someone's brain being sawed open, someone's heart being poked, or someone choking from intubation. It's the initial instinct response to cringe, to feel pain for that person and to want to help appease that pain and to feel helpful in some way.

However, most often these responses are more deleterious than helpful, and in my experience I have had to first detach from the person on the table. Basically, to stop thinking about them as a person (in the social sense) and more as a human body that is in some way dysfunctioning and needs our help in order to survive. Probably not in the best words, but I'm interested in sharing this detachment process in order to reconnect with the more humane side of human beings, because we so often have to trail away from this path in order to do what needs to be done.

It's within this place that those in the health field seem to be walking the bridge or gap between the typical civilian world (where most of your loved ones are) and another less distinct world, a place where many have tread but often do not stay. It's hard to stay there--no one feels. Everything is about a beat, a sound, a smell, a look. We're like well-oiled machinery that, to me, seem to be desperately seeking for something more. A bigger picture in which we wish to be a part of something more than ourselves.

So we keep going. We take rigorous classes, we volunteer at the homeless shelter, at the hospital, or within clinics. We do research, we have jobs, we correspond with others. We lead clubs, join clubs, and attempt at a decent social life. We try to make it to the gym, to make time for family, to have a decent conversation or two before the thought of a responsibility guilts you into being consumed by it. It seems to all be for them (as in society, or your loved ones) but you're intangled in the mess because of your sacrifice.

The most frequent thought of my day is, "is this really what I want?", lost within the little things.