im not making shit FO anymore. I dont give a damn. All my shit is out there for the asking. Ive sat around while someone I loved made up their mind between 2 boys they love before. And last time I was the loosing party that was she just felt too bad to let go of. It fucked me up for more than a year afterwards and im not playing that game again.

You know what if you want one, go for him. If you want the other, go for him. If you need time to decide than by all means back the fuck up from you life for a minute and decide. But dont switch beds every other night and spit a load of BS at each while you decide. Thats fucked up.

Yeah. Despite my better judgement I slept with my otherwise soon to be exwife after a discussion of working this whole fiasco out. And i didnt just "fuck" her. It was meaningful, at least to me, which i why i was hesitant about it to begin with and (for once in my life) had to quit literally be dragged into bed. Not that I didnt want to....but, fuck it. if you dont get what i mean fuck off.

I was just about to grab a pad of paper and write this big long heartfelt letter to my son. Not that he would be able to understand. Or that Id ever give it to him, its just.....he is screaming his head off still and I feel so bad for him, that while hes unhappy it just makes me realize how much I love him that his crabbyness is heart wrenching to me. That all i kept saying as soothing as I could "ssshhhhh.... daddy love you more than you know.... daddy's here....daddy will always be here.... daddy and mommy love you..." I was just gonna write him this letter saying how I know things are crazy with me and his mom right now and hes too young to understand but that no matter happens from here or what it takes that I will be there for him.

And then I was gonna talk to bree tommorow. about how we need to fix this. she broke up with her boyfriend a week or 2 ago. were getting along....were cuddling and being all lovey, and totally honest with each other for once. not just "itseasynearbyexfuck" I was gonna tell her how despite all the other reasons that i looked at him tonite and realized we absolutely *had* to try it again.

and then after last night...round 3 in a row...she goes puts this up as an away message "cuddled up in bed. only message if its important." cause if thats not put up intentionally for me to see than i dont know what the fuck.

I dont know maybe im pissed cause its 0130 and my son is still screaming. Maybe im blowing this shit way out of proportion. And maybe this is what I get for going against my better judgement and letting us fuck happen despite knowing and tellilng her i couldnt have sex with her without it meaning something. Or maybe im just too smart for this shit. I honestly dont know.

So, emotionally and physically, im outtie. at least untill you figure out what the hell is going on in your life. Im exhausted on every level with all faucets of my life. Im not gonna make an ass out of myself. Im not gonna grovel. You and now the world know where i stand. If you come to a decision you know how to get ahold of me. In the mean time I feel better for getting this shit off my chest.