Things i've learned. People do change. Oftentimes for the worse, sometimes for the better; reserve judgement. If someone is giving all sorts of information that is too good/horrible to be true 1.) it probably is 2.) make sure said person isnt giving you said information from a state sanctioned looney bin.

Things I'd like to know: what the hell just happpened.
So bree told me a bunch of stuff last night that made me feel a little silly. And excited me. And confused the hell outta me. Im starting to think this divorce may not be the huge clusterfuck that all signs indicated it may be. It seems as if my ex is having a moment of relative lucidity. Im wondering if this will last and we can proceed relatively painlessly and quickly, or like some bad episode of greys anatomy the crazy will sponaneously kick back in, leaving her with no memory of the temporary sanity. We actually had a decent 6 hour long conversation last night and it went okay.

That being said, *she* brought up the idea of getting back together last night. Yeah. I know. I was all "wtf, mate?" as well. I cant say I dont love the thought of that idea. Going back. Unclusterfucking all of this and starting over. It would be like a dream. But as I said early this entry about someone else, dreams are often too good to be true. I just dont think the reality of it could work. It wouldnt be starting from scratch. It would being like trying to rebuild a tottaled car. Hell im skeptical as to if this isnt all one giant big trick. The only thing thats odd is she told me she was planning on asking me the day I gave her the divorce papers (that she had requested), and i know she isnt lying. That was four months ago and I had been wondering why she started wearing her wedding ring again the week prior to serving her. And as far as my skepticizm goes, I cant find a reason for. From every angle I can see it, she has the kid, the money, all the material possesions, I bought my car back from her. I just cant find the angle if there is one. Which would lead a logical person to think there is none, but I just cant shake the feeling there is.

Yes I quite frequently sit around and wonder how the hell we got to where we are. I think it sucks. There was a time when I was very happy. And once this is settled one way or the other, I can look back on them with nothing but fond memories. But slowly over the past year this divorce has been dragging out, and rapidly so the last 2 months, any residual feelings of love and affection have just been replaced with bile and hatred. I dont know if there is room in my heart to love anyone, let alone her, again.

As far as taking some time for myself, it isnt about dating, or trying to have sex with people or anything like that. Its about trying to figure out who the hell I am. Im almost 25yrs old and still have very little concept of who I actually am as a person. Ive never been emotionally unattached and happy with it. And im starting to get there. And I think I could use this for a bit longer.

In summary. I am more relieved that all of this may start going smoothly than I am thrown back by the offer. I wish I could. I wish I could more than i can express in words. And while im not happy where im at right now, ive become content with it for the moment, and I dont know If I did decide to give it another go if it would be worth the effort or if it would just drag what has already been a long and completely emotionally exhausting ordeal out even longer. Im so tired.