my stomach hurts. all day i felt like i was going to be sick. i was nervous this morning about my doctors appt with dr. kevin. and it's my actual dr. kevin. i havent started calling kevy a doctor, since he's not a doctor. luckily everything was fine. we talked about architecture like we always do as he touched my boobs. he said i don't need to worry about anything and bla bla bla... i still felt sick. im so scared of dieing and being unhappy again. all i know is i'm really happy now, really happy. and i really don't want to go back to that place were i was in last fall... it was painful and it was hard. and everyday was a battle. i just i'm too scared to be happy, because i'm terrified about being hurt. all i know is for the past 5 years i've regretted fucking up the most amazing friendship.... over and over and over. not to mention always being the person to mess it up and knowing that no matter how many times i've screwed up that person was there still waiting for me, still dreaming about me, and still there. and i just feel if that one person leaves or changes his mind... or does something. i mean i have nothing to show and i will truly lose a chunk of my remaining faith i have in humanity... i don't have much faith as it is. i'm just scared for the fall. i'm scared to be in buffalo with the demon-like voices in my head. i say demon because they are negative. i'm not really going that crazy. i have crazy trust issues... especially when yes a person may have cheated on their boyfriend with someone... and then eventually date that person that they cheated with,... does that mean that that person may cheat since he allowed the girl to cheat? is that stupid? it is... but i think about things way to much. i over analyze. in i over analyze a situation until i make it so negative like i can barely breathe... so i don't think everything turns out well... i've been told twice that fairy tales arent real, they don't come true, and life doesn't go how you planned. id really like it something worked out... it doesn't have to be a fairy tale. the girl doesn't have to get everything in the end.... but.... to get something...thatd be nice... oh yea away we go comes out september 29th, wooooo..... office season 6 is september 17th.... i hate school....woooo...i hate buffalo....wooo... im scared that i want to change my major slightly to something that doesnt scare the shit out of me instead of loving it and being terrified at the same time... and kennywood with my mom and aunt tomorrow to see ricky and my cousin and the rest of the MHS marching band... and then 18th kennywood with the friends and the kevy.... :)