Lately things have been extremely stressful and pretty jacked up to say the least, I have been fighting the urge to just go buy a large bottle of liquor and drink myself into a stupor repeatedly. I have been winning that fight for a very long time but lately the urge has been so strong that it is overpowing that voice in my head that says "You can't do that, you can't control it, you mustn't do that!" I really never have believed that being an alcoholic is a "disease" thing. It's a learned behaviour, it's an escape, it's a coping mechanism, you have to find other productive ways to deal with shit. Which is hard to do when everyone in your whole family deals with shit by getting plastered at every open opportunity. I keep having this dream that I will wake up one day and I won't have this mind numbing emotional pain inside of me or this rage that cripples me from living up to my full potential. For now I guess it will continue to be just that a dream....

The world is coming to an end. News at 11. Shit it's past 11. Fuck me.

Just maintaining, working a lot. I had my end of the year review not really that impressed with it to be honest. All my blood sweat and tear for this past year was worth 40 cents, I wanted to just crush someone when I left. The bad thing about that is that I got the highest raise in the department. Our company is constantly crying about the economy and blah blah blah. Our company has not been hit that hard by the economy and certainly not here.

On the health front been having a lot of problems with my feet and it is totally fucking up my plans. First it was my right foot, now it is is my left foot. So instead of getting yard work and doing some trim work I got to lay around on the couch and do nothing. It really aggravates me to be honest. I just want to make some things happen and get it done so it will be out of the way.

So I get home from work and barely get to change out of my clothes and my daughters best friend (now ex best friend) comes over. They step out on the porch and two seconds later the girl tears through the house and goes into my daughters room. I hear banging around and they start yelling and screaming so I ignore it for a minute or two then it escalates even more so I go in there and tell them to act fucking civilized or I will come back in there and finish the bullshit. I go out and they start yelling and screaming and fighting about 5 minutes later. I go in and end it all. When I end shit, it ends fast. I grab the girl by the ear and lead her out of the house and she is yelling she ruined my life you just don't understand. I told her that she is way too young for her life to be ruined so young. So after some investigating I find out this girl comes to my house and does all this shit because my daughter told this dude that the girl has already broke up with that she cheated on him. How totally fucking ridiculous can you get? I really don't remember being that stupid when I was that age, but then again I have never been the kind to cheat or put up with that kind of bullshit. So now I am all amped up and have no where to let out my aggressions upon.

They change my work schedule and I now have to work 8am to 5pm instead of 11am to 8pm. Yesterday was my first day and it was one rough ass day. Got home last night and went straight to bed. Woke up this morning and I am still a little wacked out from the change in my schedule. My body just does not like to get up early.

It has been unusually cold here for the last few weeks. This is the coldest winter we have had here in Georgia in some ten years or so and yesterday my hands and feet felt it for sure. By the time the day was over they were aching way down in the bones, one of those dull throbbing restless aches that keep you from being comfortable.

I have been bringing my dogs inside during this cold spell but one of my dogs just refuses to come into the house. Which worries me because I am worried he will freeze to death outside but he seems content to bury himself in a pile of leaves at night. When I try to bring him inside he growls and snaps at me so I am like fine freeze to death you little hard headed mutt.

Got a card and some birthday loot from my mother yesterday. (LOL you know you been playing WoW too long when you call it Birthday loot) It was a very nice card and I appreciate the cash she sent me. I called her last night and we talked for quite some time, I really do miss her and wished she lived much closer so I could visit her more than every few years.

Just gonna be a chill day, chillin at the house by myself playing WoW.

I have been working a lot lately as usual and just not feeling very social at all. It's like I had a map to happiness and lost it somewhere along the way and I can't find it anymore. Then I try to send out an expedition to find happiness in a new way and typhoid comes along and kills the whole expedition. I don't know how many expeditions I can put together before I just give the whole thing up all together.

Anyway off to farm up some ore and kill some shit...