I'll admit I'm not one to follow the crowd when it comes to books that are made into movies. I never read Harry Potter or The Hobbit before or after the movies were made. I never understood the big deal about it even when I watched the movies. I've watched Twilight but I didn't become one of those crazy obsessed fans. So when New Moon was set to hit the theaters and everyone was making a big hype out of it, I decided to see if it was worth it. Of course, I, like most other girls out there, did find Jacob to be extremely attractive, but I walked out of the theater with much more than the hots for a buff celebrity. The media focused much attention on the storyline of Bella and Edward's romance and capitalized on how their love is a rare find. However, as I watched New Moon, I found myself captivated by the relationship between Bella and Jacob. The character of Jacob is one of genuine friendship. He cared for Bella and yet you could see that each time he looked at her he yearned for more between the two of them. Even with Bella dating another guy, Jacob's feelings remained deep and steadfast. I sound like a fanatic of the movie, but I do have a reason for writing this. A few years ago, I had a forever that ended. And when my forever ended, I died. I swore and I made a promise to myself that never again would I allow myself to become so dependent on someone else. I promised that I would never fully give myself to someone else: heart, mind, body, and soul. I swore that I would never let anyone bring me to that ultimate low that I experienced...because heartbreak isn't as bad as everyone says it is. It's worse. So for years after crashing and burning, I spent that whole time rebuilding myself. I may not be have been rebuilt to the way I was before, but I'm satisfied with the end product...except for one thing. I'm still dead. I built myself back up to be stronger than ever, except in the area where I needed it the most. But that I can't repair on my own. So instead I opted to abandon the construction, and left my heart in the dust never to be touched again. But as I watched the relationship between Bella and Jacob flourish, I felt something. I felt my heart beat. I felt it beat in a way that I had not felt it beat for in years. I was confused. It was a feeling unrecognized by my mind, by my body, by my emotions. What was it? I focused on myself for a moment. My heart was beating faster. My palms were beginning to sweat. I shook my leg in nervousness. My mind was racing. How can this be? This was how I always was whenever I really liked someone. What was making this happen? I realized Taylor Lautner's portrayal of Jacob Black made me subconsciously realize that the romance in the movie may be a rare find, but it is not impossible. That was an overwhelming realization for me and it has taken me a few days to be able to write about it. But here I am. I've returned to the once abandoned construction of my heart and decided to continue building it back up. After all, I did feel a heartbeat. So I must be alive.


And by the way, I'm buying the books to read them now.

...of being taken. And I'm loving every moment. He is what I always thought and feared would never happen to me. But it has happened. He's happened. And everyday I smile in disbelief and pure happiness.

In between my hectic schedule, when I would have brief moments to myself, I would often think about when it is I would find someone who would love everything about me. I stand firm in not making compromises on my beliefs, my values, and who I am as a person. I want someone who can accept me. All of me. I found that person. And you know what? That person was standing in front of me all these years. You know what else? This person has loved me from the moment we became friends and has never stopped since that day. Girls have come and girls have gone. But not a single girl has matched me in this person's eyes. It's amazing, isn't it? It's as if I found my happily ever after. But I haven't. Why? Because as much as this person loves me...all of me...flaws and all...I don't share the same feelings. WHY?! This person loves me more than I could ever love them. And I hate it. I don't understand. Why don't I love this person the way they love me? I care about this person...and I do love this person...but not to the depths that this person loves me. How can someone want something so bad and when it's finally staring them in the face, they are incapable of reciprocating? What the hell is wrong with me?? This person was willing to be anything I wanted just to be with me. I will admit I do miss this person. It took much strength to refrain from calling or texting to say that I miss them. After watching a movie with my friends tonight, I wanted to see this person. I wanted to be in their arms. But just as this person has never found another girl who could match me, my feelings could never match theirs. I prayed and remained in deep thought for the duration of my drive. I asked God for the wisdom to make the right choice. So where did I end up?










I went home.













One day this person will find someone who will love them as deeply and immensely as they love me.


















I'm sorry I couldn't be that someone.

Inspired after reading Jamie's list of things she wants to accomplish in the next 5 years, I have decided to make my own. However, I leave no room to falter in this list. This list is not what I WANT to accomplish in the next 5 years. It is what I WILL accomplish in the next 5 years.

- Graduate with my bachelors in early childhood/elementary education
- Become certified in special education
- Start my career as a teacher
- Get my masters


That's the start of my list. I know it all pertains to my education, but that is what I am focused on right now. As the days go on I will add to this. And I will have them all done by the time 5 years is up.

Even after everything that has happened, I still did what I did. I thought I could go through it without being attached, but now that I'm left hanging, I find myself clinging on. Shame on me for not knowing any better when I should have. But it's time. Time to face it so that I can embrace it. Time to embrace it so that I can finally leave it all behind me and breathe the air that has long awaited for me to inhale. I suffocated myself in the smoke of the past. No more, Mari. No more. Pick your foot up and start walking forward. Quit the circles. You have finally learned. Congratulations.

This was the theme of my philosphy class today. My teacher constantly repeated it and it made so much more sense every time he said it. Often times people are so bent on doing what is right that they don't see that what they feel is right is sometimes not the good thing to do. Another thing my teacher said that blew me away. He quoted from two books of the Bible and told how God said He didn't like the way we worshipped Him. It was useless...pointless. "If you want to worship Me, then let justice flourish." It got me thinking. God doesn't care that you go to church every week. Often times people just go because it has become their obligation, their habit, their pattern. But once at church not many pay attention yet they feel better once they had gotten going to church out of the way. "If you want to worship Me, then let justice flourish." Let those words speak for themselves. The rest is up to you.

Her Eyes

Shivering sapling standing almost on her boyfriend’s shoes she peers at all the world around seeking somehow a conection with other eyes, any eyes, amost to seek out witnesses for some truth she might need to prove someday... her wide empty mascara’d eyes no fit with her powdered bone face inscrutable... is it zit cream or something? Kabuki face with fire engine lips and a plain (but you’d better believe pricey) smock over her scarce doe legs dressed in a body stocking screaming rainbow... skinny knock knee’d. There’s no fit here, no connection, no harmony with the two. Her companion is a sphinx and blends gray into any background. They are attached only physically, and everyone knows how little that means. Look at those eyes. She’s not here.