I feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate being in class these days, it feels like an extended form of suffering I should have enlightened myself out of a long time ago. But still, I sit, waiting for the end to come so I can be swallowed whole by the darkness of the night. Why is it so hard to be happy? Why is it that the things we want are so far out of reach even before our hands stretch out towards the shining light of happiness?
She's so wonderful, every aspect of her I've uncovered has been better and better, with the occasional surprise as well. Every aspect except one, her heart belongs to another, and I don't have the key to unlock the box it sits in to steal it away. Every stolen kiss or long gaze whispers in my ear that there's more to us than just this and it makes me want to shout down all the doubts which rise up like bubbles coming from the depths in the belief that one day I'll wake up and find myself in her good graces for good. Until then, courage. Or find someone new. Things happened so quickly anyway, she's probably going to get tired with my bullshit soon enough, after all, I'm only good for cuddling as long as I don't push her to fit in the space I've made for her. Because as CeeBees said, I have to be ready for her to choose him instead of me, and each chance she's had, she has. Someday I'll find someone as good as her, even if it's not her.
But then again, what's the point? If this decade has taught me anything it's that permanency is illusory, that the only thing which will still be there at the end of the day is the pit in your stomach when you look back at all the shit you've done wrong and realize the past has past and it's not going to fix itself anytime soon. If I just had one chance to change everything I don't even know how far back I would go to do it. Ideally, I'd rocket back to preteen me and tutor him in the proper way to grow up instead of the haphazard mostly unguided one I took before. I'd be my own father figure, and teach past me about respect and love and to do the right thing because it is the right thing. I hate feeling like the only things I want are things I shouldn't want/don't deserve because it consistently forces my hand and sets me on the path towards disrupting other people's life and knowing KNOWING my actions are hurting others in order to satisfy my own needs takes away all pleasure from the act. I just want a place of my own where I can come home to someone who's always happy to see me because I am me. Someone who wakes up smiling because they're curled up next to me and we can press our heads together and whisper in the dark for no reason other than to heighten intimacy.
For now it's time to shape up and get my shit together. Work has come along nicely, school is for the most part over, now is the opportunity to get my wheels rolling on getting that laminated card necessary to release me unto the world and from there, who knows? 2010 is going to be a lot of fun.

"Verhoer des Guten" by Bertolt Brecht (author's translation)

Step forward: we hear
That you are a good man.
You cannot be bought, but the lightning
Which strikes the house, also
Cannot be bought.
You hold to what you said.
But what did you say?
You are honest, you say your opinion.
Which opinion?
You are brave.
Against whom?
You are wise.
For whom?
You do not consider your personal advantages.
Whose advantages do you consider then?
You are a good friend.
Are you also a good friend of the good people?


Hear us then: we know
You are our enemy. This is why we shall
Now put you in front of a wall. But in consideration of your merits and good qualities
We shall put you in front of a good wall and shoot you
With a good bullet from a good gun and bury you
With a good shovel in the good earth.

(1) Make food. Even if its a windowsill or roof garden with a couple of tomato plants. Make a yard garden. Grow your own food, just a bit. You can expand on this later. Check out Food Not Lawns for inspiration. Start small, and don

but I awesomed it.

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