my stomach hurts. all day i felt like i was going to be sick. i was nervous this morning about my doctors appt with dr. kevin. and it's my actual dr. kevin. i havent started calling kevy a doctor, since he's not a doctor. luckily everything was fine. we talked about architecture like we always do as he touched my boobs. he said i don't need to worry about anything and bla bla bla... i still felt sick. im so scared of dieing and being unhappy again. all i know is i'm really happy now, really happy. and i really don't want to go back to that place were i was in last fall... it was painful and it was hard. and everyday was a battle. i just i'm too scared to be happy, because i'm terrified about being hurt. all i know is for the past 5 years i've regretted fucking up the most amazing friendship.... over and over and over. not to mention always being the person to mess it up and knowing that no matter how many times i've screwed up that person was there still waiting for me, still dreaming about me, and still there. and i just feel if that one person leaves or changes his mind... or does something. i mean i have nothing to show and i will truly lose a chunk of my remaining faith i have in humanity... i don't have much faith as it is. i'm just scared for the fall. i'm scared to be in buffalo with the demon-like voices in my head. i say demon because they are negative. i'm not really going that crazy. i have crazy trust issues... especially when yes a person may have cheated on their boyfriend with someone... and then eventually date that person that they cheated with,... does that mean that that person may cheat since he allowed the girl to cheat? is that stupid? it is... but i think about things way to much. i over analyze. in i over analyze a situation until i make it so negative like i can barely breathe... so i don't think everything turns out well... i've been told twice that fairy tales arent real, they don't come true, and life doesn't go how you planned. id really like it something worked out... it doesn't have to be a fairy tale. the girl doesn't have to get everything in the end.... but.... to get something...thatd be nice... oh yea away we go comes out september 29th, wooooo..... office season 6 is september 17th.... i hate school....woooo...i hate buffalo....wooo... im scared that i want to change my major slightly to something that doesnt scare the shit out of me instead of loving it and being terrified at the same time... and kennywood with my mom and aunt tomorrow to see ricky and my cousin and the rest of the MHS marching band... and then 18th kennywood with the friends and the kevy.... :)

Mat Kearney- "closer to love"

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited all of my life

You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love (You are all that I've waited for)
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Closer to love (Cause you are all that I've waited for)
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love

So my summer physics class started yesterday. I got to greg's on sunday. for some reason he has no water therefore no water, no stove, and no heat. it's rather cold. buffalo is rather cold. i packed of all my summer clothes, jeans, 1 hoodie, and pretty much all flip flops and it sucks. i wear my hoodie all the time and eventually it will need washed. anyway summer here is always great and....interesting. and by always, i mean this is my second summer where ive been in buffalo for part of it. ive been feeling strange though because im spending my summer actually on campus. last summer i was staying at margos and going to habitat which was completely different and rediculously depressing but not. i say depressing because of the break up. my friends were wonderful that summer and were there for me and built me back up, only to crumble again the coming hall. anyway... the drive back up to buffalo was nice... i left my house at 6 and i didnt really want to leave my family. we're always having a good time and ive missed them. since i left at 6, i wasnt going to get into buffalo until close to 10. the weather was gorgeous and i had the window down. of course it started to get colder further north so that didn't last. it's not very often i drive at night. most of the time i'm in a hurry to get back to buffalo from work to get in the studio. there was one time i remember getting back to buffalo at night...i still hadn't started bringing my car to school yet so my mom drove me back. i went home randomly in the fall. on the way back my mom and i had a serious talk because i knew things were going to be changing now being at college. and i just needed her to know my intentions. i stayed up late in the studio that night and got nothing done. another thing i think about when it comes to UB in the summer is orientation. i probably wouldnt think about it if i was on south taking my class. but im on north and all i can think of is orientation. also how when the campus was empty i'd walk around with my mom drinking starbucks and exploring the campus. i was sitting outside the book store yesterday morning waiting for it to open and i thought about how my mom and i could not find the stupid thing, took the longest way there... it was awful. and now i could probably get there walking with my eyes closed and ive driven there a couple times and i think i could drive to it...maybe. for not spending any class time on north campus i have a hell of an amount of summer memories. but walking around with my mom i remember a lot since the campus is right next to the hotel we stay it. i couldn't believe i was going to be going to college, and not the small college i had planned but instead a fucking huge school. but thoughts of my mom and i on campus relates to why we were visiting just the two of us, orientation. that campus is covered in orientation memories. i was walking to the book store and decided to walk through the connecting hallways instead of going outside to walk. i pased the weird diner looking place that i dont think is ever open. maybe it's only used in the summer. i remember meeting jo anna there. and lindsay eating that damn ice cream. and those disgusting talks. and how the one time me and chris walked past there after environmental psychology and said "wow, and look where we've come now after almost a year" A shit ton happened and it hadnt even been a year. Then there's the Starbucks... oh Starbucks. We all sat on the steps getting each other's numbers and believed we'd all be such good friends. However, Lindsay dropped, one person i dont talk to, two people i think are just plain annoying, and the other is an ex that i'm crushed over. and when katie and i would go to starbucks before intro to arch and i was usually bitching to her or fighting with chris about something that has gotten lost in the millions of other things we've argued about. so after physics i decided to walk around outside campus and just see north. theres a lot of stuff going on and ive never really looked at. i remembered running across a field to ellicot to starbucks and how i used to visit mikeyjo when he lived in ellicot after english. then i went to the alumni arena which is the huge fitness building. i ran around the track, jogged, walked and looked on the floor and remembered thats where i first heard jack's mannequin perform. and a lot of other things. lifted weights and realized i cant nearly lift as much as i used to. then i walked to the lake. theres a giant lake on north with this columny statue thing... i climbed up on it and just layed in the sun. i was pretty exhausted from my work out at that point. it was a beautiful day and i wish south had a giant lake on the campus. i would literally do all my non-studio work there. i wish i could do my studio work there. then i walked by the commons and missed Tam-Tam. Then i thought about how much adam and i hated our next english professor's class. it was sooo annoying. but we giggled because outside our window was the tree where i met all my orientation friends. it's also next to the music department buildings and i became pissed because ive never been able to go into the music department buildings. i dont have time and playing my clarinet has pracically left my life. and i hate that most of all. i sat under the tree for awhile and picked at dandelions. they really need to cut the grass. i didnt stay there too long but since i'll be still on campus in june, i'll probably go there to celebrate with some lunch. lol i always wanted to go on a picnic under that tree with danielle or adam, mostly chris. it just never happened. i have no time. that's what south campus is known for. the students whose major makes that student have no life. probably why we dont have a lake, they know no one has time on that campus for a lake. pleaseeee. my walk lasted a while and then i headed for south to shower in their arenay thing. i didnt bring my shower stuff to north so i figured i'd shower there. it was nice and better than having an absolutely freezing shower. margo came over later and we watched one tree hill and the hills... audrina no matter what will go back to justin bobby and everyone knows it. also i watched the season finale of desperate housewives online since i missed it driving to buffalo... who does mike marry? ahhh.. so my life so far has consisted of tv and north campus and physics.. what a great start to my non-summer... ugh... coming up? my birthday is on the first day of school for the fall semester.. FML