well maybe not hell exactly but pretty damn close. but anyway i am back from treatment, not for good, but for another day and a half. i’ve been home for a few now though and i’m actually getting really depressed about going back. i’ve been there 6MOS and 20DAYS and i have 2MOS and 27DAYS until i get to go on another home visit and then 3MOS and 19DAYS until i am home for good. do i sound a bit anxious, counting the days and all? once i’m within a month of either one i’ll probably start doing the hours. so i am 2/3 done. yeah what else is kind of interesting is that i did a convincing spell to get what i want so that my parents would let me stay home for good. i did it with sarah and we sent a lot of convincing energy to my parents. it took us an hour. i really will be depressed if it doesn’t work. oh well. okay so something else: i’m entirely off the bi-polar meds. halleluia! praise the goddess! no more nasty chemicals changing my life! well in this change, i have learned that i very well may be a more mild case of bi-polar but i know for the most part that i can deal with it. but it’s part of me and know i’m not hiding it under meds. i’m also not hiding the fact that i like girls anymore. i’m almost completely open with it, i’ve even told my mom. hmm, so anyway thats a small update on my life, and i might write more before i leave. if not i’ll see you eventually...someday. oh hell, i’m gonna bawl my eyes out. please send much energy to my cause and maybe i’ll get to stay home for good.

well, i leave tomorrow and i was ecstatic up until i visited the place tonight. now i’m...well...a little less ecstatic. it was unfamiliar and, well, as inviting as it all seemed...it just wasn’t home. i miss home already and i’m sitting in my house, next to my room, on my computer. how weird is that? weird, but strangely true. i’ll get through it...somehow. goodbye, good luck, god bless, whatever...cause this could quite possibly be goodbye for good.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
!
The Green Mile


Which *heartbreaking* movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i dont know if i will ever accept that i will be this way for the rest of my life. i damn-well know it, but i dont think i can accept it. accept that i will go through the ups and downs of this emotional rollercoaster forever. accept that i will often feel like death is the only answer. accept that my life with may never be stable. accept that i will always have the burdens that come with being manic-depressive. no wonder michael said he could never marry me. no wonder no one will ever really love me. except God. and even God may be starting to become sick of this shit. will things with my mom get better as i get older and i move out? will maturity cure me of this emotional hell? will this ever end.

this was a good thanksgiving. i was reminded of how very thankful i was that i did not spend this holiday eating institution food. tonight i was constantly thinking about juvenile hall and how i could be spending it there, but instead i was with my family eating great food. another thing that almost made me cry tonight was when Bryan, (oldest brother), was talking to me he said how he really wanted to come visit and pray with me but only parents were allowed to visit. i love my brother, he’s the greatest. my neices, (Bryan’s daughters), Kelly, 6, and Katie, 4, were more adorable than ever and aparently really missed me in my month and a half absence. my other brother was there and also Bryan’s wife, and then me and my mom, of course. there was no fighting, between any of us, everyone got along, and we all had a great time. it was all very surreal. i was constantly pinching myself to see if i was really awake or just another dream of how happiness truly does exist. all of my problems seemed to melt away, and tonight...i really was happy.

i find it weird how everytime my life starts to become unbearable and i start thinking about death again, something happens to make it not so unbearable. something happens to ground me and make me see that life is worth living, and people do love me. and i really should give all the credit to God, because it was He who made tonight go well, by His grace that i was released, and it is Him who i really am most thankful for.

well im back. and so are the problems. it amazes me how the didnt leave i just got to escape them for a while, and then when i came back they were right where i had left them.

i was in juvenile hall. oh what an experience. i dont really care to go into details but lets just say it was not fun. i was in there for 31 days, and i guess i deserved it cause if you break the law normally you deserve it. but ya anyway im back. more later. im not in a writing mood.

!
Youre The Cure! I LOVE YOU!!!! Your eccentric.
People look at you and automatically label you
as "gothic" or "antisocial"
and you may be those things but truthfully
youre just a manic-depressive freak from hell,
and thats not a bad thing! Youre just like
me...


***What 80’s band are you?***
brought to you by Quizilla


gothic...probably not. antisocial...86% of the time. manic-depressive freak form hell...always.

why do i not succeed in anything? why is nothing working out like i planned it to? i tried out for mock trial, my passion, didnt make it. the musical...didnt make it. the one thing i really wanted to do out of all of these, my main passion, acting, the play...didnt make it. im not succeeding at anything that im good at, why? if i am not able to succeed at my favorite things in life, how will i ever succeed in life period? i can try to justify and find reasons that God didnt want me to be doing these things-but i know, in my heart, that just wouldnt be the reason. the problem is i dont know why im not succeeding.

if those were my only issues right know id be happier than ive ever been, but the fact is...they’re not. my life is a complicated tangled web of pain and heartache, problems and dilemmas.why do i feel like this again? i dont know what to do anymore, how to control everything, how to organize it all in my mind. im alone and theres no one in my life who has heard my tears. i dont even know if i want to be helped anymore.

on the verge of going over the top about all the pain in my life, i trudge onward afraid of what people will think if they know...i just still no longer wish to be here in this world.