"the hunger games" starts off very promising...the world the writer creates is a very good criticism of society now...and really brings into light things like injustice, and the devaluing of human life...but i also saw many serious problems with this piece of art that i would like to discuss in the next few paragraphs, if you will let me...before i begin, however, i need to inform the reader that i have *not* read the book...my critique is based solely off of the film...also, i understand that the book has a sequel in which more events transpire...however, i plan to look at the one film as a single, finished work of art, because, although there may be more to the story in the long-run, any individual film has its own story to tell

on a scale of 1 - 10 based on pure entertainment value, i would give this film a solid 9...intrigue keeps you going...action only spices up the intrigue...you almost forget about your own world as you step into this one...let me start from the beginning...first you are shown a brief glimpse at the elite, that you soon forget after you are shown the level of poverty in this world...of course, you don't initially know what they're talking about most of the time...with the whole "how many times was your name submitted" and talking about "what if everyone just stopped watching at once?"...the writers and director do a really good job of building suspense by slowly introducing you to this dystopian society...regardless, it is made very obvious that food is a scarce commodity, and that there is clearly a price for obtaining it...you get to really feel involved with the poorer areas, which, at this time, you don't realize just how poor they actually are

then, enter effie trinket...a very bold, over-extravagant, and obvious clash to everything we've witnessed so far, which has been incredibly humble...representing the huge divide between these two cultures...effie, after "recruiting" the two "tributes" from district 12, guides them (and us, the viewers) into the world of the elite...which is very lavish, eccentric and excessive compared to what we have seen so far...food is not only readily available, but it is left out in the open for anyone who walks by...when peeta first sees the city, one imagines it is similar to a poor slave first witnessing the coliseum...at this point in the film, i was very interested in where it was going, despite the fact that the mood of the movie thus far had been incredibly gloomy...but everything in the city is so happy...and you can tell, people live their lives with much more optimism...and it is obvious that they live in total ignorance of the injustices taking place outside their walls...overindulgence is a great way to describe the conditions of the city...people are very eccentric and overly excessive with their hair styles, hair colors, and fashion sense...i would like to insert right here in case anyone was mistaken, before i go any further, that, although you connected with the poor in district 12 at the beginning of the film, you are *not* one of them...you *are* part of the grandiose, elite society...moving on

before the tributes are made to fight to the brutal frickin death, they are taken in front of a crowd to gain approval and support...also, they are taken on the people's popular talk show, the name of which escapes me at the moment...the people laugh and cry with the tributes, all the while knowing that only one of them will actually live...actually, the only value the tributes even *have* to the people *is* the fact that they're going to fight to the death...the tributes are reduced from living human beings, natural brothers and sisters of the ones who are forcing them to fight, to icons for the sake of cruel entertainment...i, of course, am totally into it at this point...i feel all these feelings of injustice, and devaluing, and all i wanna see is the status quo brought down

now i'm going to take a second and talk about the movie overall up to now...because next is the actual "game" or what i like to call "the forced murder of 23 people"...the movie does a very good job of caricaturing entertainment in our culture...when it comes to games such as "american idol" or "the bachelor" or "survivor"...we watch...we pick our favorite person...we root for them to win...we are sad when they are voted off...but all of these feelings we have for the player are superficial, and really just there to make us feel something...they have little, if anything at all, to do with the actual person and their value as a human being...this devaluing of people is taken to the extreme, obviously, in "the hunger games" but there is a much more important lesson to learn from this...a lesson i will discuss later

but first, i would like to discuss the hoarding of wealth, and the way the elite handle their "guilt", assuming there is any at all...in this fictional world, we see a well-defined elite...there is a clear divide (and that gap is very wide) between the people in the city, and the poorer ones on the outskirts...these people are not just doing what is needed to survive, they are overindulging...they are able to spend more time dressing themselves up with their silly fashion sense because they do not have to worry about things like eating, or whether they will live to tomorrow...it is disturbing to me how the wealthy have all this food, all this money, and all these resources when the poor have to bargain their lives for food in the districts...and no one seems to care...people live their lives in total ignorance of the repercussions of the society they maintain and live under...everyone is totally oblivious to the injustices that *every member of the city* is guilty of...what is even more disturbing is that the people actually believe that they are doing the people in the districts a *favor* by having the games...the video at the beginning, during the "recruitment", shows this...trinket seems to actually be moved by the ridiculous ethos outlined while the video is playing...the reason the elite have no guilt, is because they think that the districts are actually better off with the existence of the games

now onto the actual game...which is something that the movie says has been going on regularly for the better part of a century...the elite look forward to it...the poor, those who actually have to fight, dread the hell out of it...first, what upset me was the mindset of the tributes from the get-go...i don't understand, if you put 24 people who did not want to fight (or die) in the same space, why they would actually participate...it was sad that the had been become exactly what their captors wanted them to be...therefore, re-enforcing the status quo...they actually *do* fight, and slaughter their brothers and sisters mercilessly...it starts during the training...when one person says to another, in reference to a group of cocky-looking tributes, "they're from district [whatever], they win every year"...immediately, you, yourself, are drawn into the game...now it's no longer just an unjust machine at the expense of human life, it is a competition...there is now a defined "enemy"

throughout the game, we are able to witness many inhumane events performed not just by the players themselves, but by the game's "controllers"...innocent people, including children, are slaughtered mercilessly by others...the ones who control the game place obstacles in the arena that are put there purposefully to increase entertainment, with no regard to the fact that they are playing with real people...we witness rue, the symbol of innocence and goodness, killed which launches a riot on the outside...but i will discuss rue a bit later...the point is, while watching the game, we feel many things...such as sympathy for the "good" players, and anger towards the "bad" players

everything i have said up to now has been entirely petty compared to the real message i would like to get to in the next few paragraphs...my actual problem with the movie is not how it portrays injustice, or that it is upsetting, or that it causes you to feel anger or despair...or that it makes you think about the gap between the rich and poor...it's that the movie is so incredibly hypocritical...it says, and shows you, one thing, then leads you towards the exact opposite, and i hope to explain what i mean in the following paragraph or so

my conclusion of hypocrisy mostly has to do with the direction of the movie from beginning to end...from the introduction of dystopia, all the way to the "triumph" of the surviving tributes...we are introduced to a message that is entirely political...full of injustice, and criticisms of society...we see the wealth gap, we see the unfair treatment of the poorer peoples in the districts as well as the dehumanizing of living people...we see the eccentricity of the rich people in the city...we see all the things i discussed earlier...and we begin to feel a desire to bring down this status quo as all of our political emotions are stirred up...then the movie shows you, and forces you feel, first-hand, just how unfair and morally wrong the game is...all these things are great criticisms, but it all changes as soon as we are introduced to the cocky tributes whose district "wins every year"...like i explained earlier, now there is a defined enemy...concrete antagonists

we suddenly are taken out of their world and actually forced *into* the game...we root for the protagonists to make good impressions, to be sponsored, and we hope that they win the game...then the 74th annual hunger games begins...and then, the game is suddenly all that matters...we follow katniss around as she tries to survive, and hope she is able to...we watch the "bad tributes" being cocky, merciless, and overall better at playing...in fact, it seems like the only time you even remember the world still exists is when rue dies

rue's death actually led to my favorite part of the entire film...which was when rue's father (unstated in the movie) was so angered by the injustice, that he, along with other members of the district, begin to revolt...finally, something that felt good...seeing a subjugated people actually began to stand up for themselves against their oppressors...but that good feeling doesn't last very long, because that is the LAST TIME anything political is referenced

real quick, before i go any further, i really feel the need to point out the timing of the revolt...why is it only when rue dies that the people are angered enough to attack the peacekeepers? they *knew*, from the moment her name was chosen, what would happen...what she had been "volunteered" for...why did the revolt not happen then? if the people from a certain district always win, they would have known exactly what was going to happen, and her choosing would have brought out the same feelings as her death...i actually got the impression that even the people of her district were more caught up with the events in the game, rather than in the machine that was keeping the cruel game alive

moving on...i need to discuss the conversation that the head of the capitol, and the head of the game, have...you know, the God-looking character, and the Diablo-looking character...the former is outraged at the revolt in rue's district...he explains, in that conversation, exactly what the game means...the game is a distraction in the form of entertainment from the political injustices in the world...it gives the people in the capitol something to do, and the people in the districts something to fear..."why do we have a winner?" he asks...he answers himself by saying that hope is what keeps the districts in line...i don't remember the Diablo-looking character's name, but he says something in this conversation that i found to be very interesting...he says that, to keep the people in line, they should give those people something to root for, and offers teen love as that distraction

from this point on, the politics is barely a side-story...we are now shown a faux love story between katniss and peeta, which we can tell is forced for the sake of support by her subtle facial expressions...then, finally, we are relieved when we find out that both of our protagonists will be returning home "victorious"...then, the movie...just...ends

i would like to make sure everyone who watched "The hunger games" is aware that, at the end of the movie, NOTHING HAS CHANGED...nothing is resolved, nothing is any different...the inhumanity still exists, the injustices still exist...the hunger games will continue...the rich will feel good about themselves, and the poor will continue to be dehumanized...all that has happened is the tributes we rooted for won...do you see what just happened here? you were sucked into the game JUST LIKE EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD IS

so, if you take a step back and look at this from a bird's-eye view...you have been taken from being disturbed by the horrible things you witness, wanting to see the evil stopped, to simply picking a favorite tribute and rooting for them...and then being glad when they won...you are no different than the eccentric people living in the capitol...cause at the end, you feel all good like something has been resolved, when in fact, you were just distracted by the game and the faux love story

i really hope i have been able to make you see just how hypocritical the message of this story is...of course there are other messages i wish i could touch on, such as what this movie is saying to you about the silly game shows america watches like american idol and survivor, but unfortunately i will go ahead and save that discussion for either another entry or another critic...thanks for reading...feedback is highly encouraged

hey lucy, i remember your name
i left a dozen roses
on your grave today
--skillet

this was originally an fpa submission...but i'm beginning to think it isn't truly fpa material...which is fine...i know i'm not an artist...but i wanted it posted somewhere, since i spent such a long time on it...lol

maybe i'm the one to blame
but even when i turn it off
and blame myself
the outcome feels the same

the one-year anniversary thing went off pretty well, i think...with only a few minor problems...i got her a multiframe with a bunch of pictures of us from before we started dating, when we were just hanging out...a book of walt whitman poems called 'leaves of grass'...and i paid for her 'les miserables' tickets...also, the bigger idea that i had, which kinda worked out, was to have kind of a faux picnic...i went over to her house while she was at work, and decorated her living room like it was outside...and set up a blanket, and had chicken and fruit and stuff

when i had first had the idea, it looked really good in my head...unfortunately, when i actually did it, it looked more like a third-grade art project...but whatever, i think she liked it : ) so that's all that matters...oh man, i spent all day putting it together and waiting for her to call me to tell me she was on her way home...and then i finally get the call that she's leaving...and bam, it all falls down...so i panicked for a good :15 trying to throw it all up again and finish cooking the food and setting everything up...whew...of course, all this stuff is secondary to me loving her...so i hope i was able to convey that across well enough

she got me some of the coolest stuff for our anniversary...she got me tickets to see 'little shop of horrors' on the day of...and she got us tickets to see 'guys and dolls' for tomorrow...so i'm pretty psyched about that...'little shop of horrors' was good...alot of fun, just really disturbing...lol

i have a bunch of good stuff planned for this weekend...last night, i worked from 10:pm to 4:30am...it was inventory night, and we had to count *everything* in the entire building...today i'm going to hang out with my cool friend shea, that i don't get to see often enough anymore ever since she moved out to the middle of nowhere...well, it's not actually the middle of nowhere; it just feels like that to me...cause it's really far away...tomorrow is 'guys and dolls'...then saturday, i'm checking out another house, and going out to eat with cassie's parents, and then going to her mom's photography thing...which i'm sure will be fun : ) ...and then sunday is the next day i have to work...another late night...we're doing planning...so i have to be there for that

but when i look at the stars
i feel like myself
--switchfoot

so, me and cassie are creeping up on our one-year anniversary, and i've been mulling over ideas as to what i should do...i've got a few ideas, none of which i'm going to spoil here, but i'm still trying to make it special...she, in her infinite thoughtfulness and cuteness, has been sending me cards through the mail...and she always says really nice things...and makes me glad that we're together...she also told me she put little clues in the cards as to what she was getting me for the anniversary...i'm determined to crack the code...lol

it's been a while, so i didn't ever get around to talking about independence day...and i know you were all just hoping you'd get to hear my rant about it...well, lucky for you, i'm going to keep it to a minimum...it was silly...everyone changed their little facebook profiles to a big american flag and said cheesy things in their statuses...i, of course was obligated to change my profile pic to this:

just to get in the spirit of the holiday like everyone else, of course...going to church on independence day weekend ended up being a bad idea...all i got to hear was how great our country is...and things about how christians need to get down on their knees and pray for our leaders, and for our country...and blah blah...psh, christians, always thinking it's God's job to fix stuff for us...that's part of the problem...christians are all on their knees praying, and not actually doing anything constructive...and most citizens complain about the direction of the country, yet do nothing to support any kind of change or reversal...and honestly, they're more worried about the moral values of society than they are about the government...if independence day should encourage us to think about anything, it should be about the level of freedom that still actually remains in this country...maybe if we all actually started worrying about something that matters, then positive change might actually come...alright, /independence day rant

i call this next segment the "i don't care if you have an eating disorder, i will still fatbooth you" segment...it's not that i think eating disorders are funny, or that i think cutting yourself or any other form of self-harm is not a big deal...because they are...and this is ignoring the large percentage of participants who do it for attention, or just because they're retarded...my problem with both of these types of people is that they're so frickin self-righteous about it...and act like they're one of the universe's great "victims"...and get all defensive and offended when you bring it up or try to help...or do anything other than give them sympathy...please, you aren't the victims of anything...and your story is not a lifetime movie...eating disorders and self-harm are self-inflicted...which means, deep down, underneath all the victim imagery you delude yourself with, you chose to have the disorder...so do us all a favor, stop droning on about how everything in your life is so tragic...and stop getting angry everytime someone tries to help...and then, do us all another favor and recognize that there are people in the world who are *actually* victims of circumstance (cancer patients, those who have lost close loved ones, etc) who would be offended, and rightly so, to hear that you tried to include yourself in their category

ok, i'm done with all the ranting in this entry...i have to deal with someone at work with both of the previously mentioned disorders (and accompanying mannerisms), and it really pulled out everything from every other time i've dealt with someone suffering from these disorders...anyways, on to something a little less tense

between the time i started writing this entry and now, cassie gave me her present to me for our one-year anniversary...first off, she started by sending me cards in the mail...i'd get one at a time, and they'd talk about stuff that had to do with us...and other cutesy things that are for me to know...and for you to not know...lol...and in the cards, she hid clues to my present...which turned out to be tickets to see guys and dolls next month! i'm so incredibly excited...but kinda nervous...i haven't gotten cassie her gift yet...but i know there's no way i'm going to be able to top hers

also, i've been putting together a group of people to go see 'les miserables' again...this time, we got the tickets in advance...like, hella advance...to make sure we got good seats...which, we did...and we got a group discount since there are 10 of us...i'm incredibly excited about this too...well, duh, who wouldn't be?...lol...i loved seeing it from the "all the way in the back of the middle of nowhere" seats...i can't imagine how great it's going to be when we're close up : )

i think that's all for now...i've been really looking into conspiracy theory stuff alot lately, but that doesn't really make for good meloing...lol...so, i hope everyone's lives are going well...i'll try to post again soon, but the 'melo always being messed up' thing is throwing off my melo groove

here come those eyes
there goes my ability to breathe

i have so much to talk about in this entry...first thing's first...that picture is of my girlfriend, cassie, for those of you who don't know...and i'd tell you that she's gorgeous, but i'm sure you noticed...lol...i got to the spend this entire past weekend with her in nashville...we planned this mini-vacation back in, i think, february...and drove about 5: away from our home town just to see 'les miserables' : o ...i'll tell you all about the production later on...first, i would like to tell you that nashville was nothing like i expected it to be...it gets stereotyped as such a country-boy town...and i kind of expected it to resemble that in some way...unfortunately, i was very wrong...lol...it was just another nasty city, and looked like one big ghetto...bad air quality...basically atlanta, but not as impressive, as cassie said

and of course this weekend is when i get sick again for the first time since december...it starts right before we leave and ends right when we get back...ugh, fail...anyways...moving on, the hotel was really nice, believe it or not...we weren't expecting too much considering the rates, but it turned out to be pretty cool...we stayed almost on the 9th floor, 2nd from the top, and there was a king-size bed...and a huge frickin tv, and a view of a bunch of mountains out the window, and something had to've been right above us, cause a few hours out of the day, we heard live jazz through the walls...it was pretty epic...and it made some pretty good background music for making out >.>

she gets a few feet away
and suddenly we're both in slow motion
like we're alone in the deep blue ocean

i'm so in love with my girlfriend...she's so great...and beautiful...and, over the past weekend, i got to experience what it feels like to fall in love with someone over and over again...i love how the relationship is so comfortable...we're not doing anything, not talking at all...and i'm ok with that...i love how the relationship is so exciting...i get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions...and i just want to be close to her...i love how the relationship is so passionate...her touch can get me all worked up...make my heart race...and i can never get enough...i love how there are so many different ways that two people can experience intimacy...and i think it's great that we're able to experience it on every level...i don't know what cassie was thinking when she decided to get with me, but i'm not going to complain...she's amazing

'les miserables' was absolutely epic...it's gonna be so difficult to put into words just how great it was...and i'm not gonna do my normal thing where i try to critique it...seriously, it was so good to see it done professionally for the first time...and to do so with cassie...she loved it, by the way...seriously, i teared up during 'the final battle' and the epilogue...and got major chills during 'the confrontation', 'javert's suicide', and 'one day more'...there were still parts of the play i hadn't even heard yet, believe it or not...oh, and they actually cut alot out of a few songs...i was upset about that...the thenadiers were frickin hilarious...oh my god...i have never seen them portrayed so brilliantly...everyone performed and sang very well...some overacted >.> but that's all i'll say about that...i seriously could go on and on and on and on about my experience, but i'll go ahead and cut it short...i already can't wait to see it again, oh my god

me and cassie waiting for 'les mis' to start

that's all for this entry, folks...oh, and a word of advice to ya...if you ever go to nashville and call a cab...go ahead and call about 4 or 5...cause other people are going to steal the first 3

i finally got to see the 25th anniversary concert of les miserables today...i know, it's been out for a minute, but it finally showed on the public broadcasting station here...and i finally was over at my girlfriend's house at a time appropriate to watch it...she had to record it cause i was working that day...i would like to, just briefly go over what i liked and didn't like about the concert

first thing i would like to note is whoever presided over the lighting and stage setup did an absolutely fantastic job...there were parts when i was more enamored with the light show than the music...but not in a negative way; more of a way that complimented the music...the chorus and the symphony orchestra were both beautiful...i was very happy with them

alfie boe did an amazing job as valjean...his voice, his portrayal of the character, his presence were all great...i've really never enjoyed 'bring him home' more than i did while watching this concert...norm lewis, as javert, did was amazing as well...great voice, great presence on stage as such a strong figure of authority...there were times that i thought he overacted which brought down his performance just a tad...but nowhere near enough to make one wish another person had been picked to play the character...his portrayal of the song 'stars' was great...very moving...i really enjoyed 'the confrontation' between these two actors...so much energy...my favorite version of this piece is still the original london cast's, but this one was unique...the london cast's is much more musical, and the intensity comes from that...in the 25th anniversary cast, it really comes across more as a heated argument...very intense

i was mildly dissatisfied with samantha barks as eponine...but that is not her fault...i always find the character of eponine so very annoying...and i wish her image was portrayed as such...barks is a great singer and actress...i enjoyed her voice...in 'a little fall of rain', she really hit an emotional chord...however, i think she's much too pretty to be eponine...honestly, she looked like a model with pauper attire...yes, it made us sympathize with the character more...but i really don't think eponine's whining and obsessive characteristics are all that worth sympathizing over...so, to recap...barks is amazing...hands down...eponine sucks

ramin kaminloo was great as enjolras...very strong voice...very commanding presence...wish he would have ditched the eyeliner or something so that he didn't look like he broke up 'panic! at the disco' to come do les miserables...that's really the only criticism of him, though...everything he did was done epically...gavroche was a little douche, which made for some comic relief and entertainment...lea salonga did great as fantine...and katie hall did great as cosette

i'm not entirely sure whose idea it was to make nick jonas marius, but i was highly dissatisfied with that choice...not because he sucks...don't get me wrong; his singing was good...but there was something about the strength of his voice and the quality of his acting that left something to be desired...'empty chairs at empty tables' was just that...empty...no power or intensity coming from the vocals...it's like gutting a song that is entirely emotional on its own...but anyways...it's not so much that he did a bad job that i'm criticizing...it's because i can imagine a 100 better portrayals by as many better actor choices

i did not particularly care for the thenadiers; the woman was obviously trying to be jenny galloway...and the man was just a little too eccentric to be taken seriously...he actually struck me as more annoying than anything...much like burmester in the original broadway cast...not that either one is a bad actor...just that i didn't care for the portrayal of the characters

to conclude this very brief and amateur critique, i would like to say that there is a possibility i may have been a bit bias in my conclusions...to me, alun armstrong will always be thenardier, philip quast will always be javert, michael ball will always be marius, and michael maguire will always be enjolras...i definitely enjoyed this production of the music from les miserables...overall, the cast was great...i am very excited about seeing it live in a couple months

it's so weird...it doesn't matter how many times i hear the music from this play...it never gets old...and it still continues to strike emotional chords over and over again

this is it; confidence is all i need
this is how you're going to
save me from myself

i've been kinda out of it the past couple of days or so...like, in a real spacey-kind of way...as if i'm walking around in a really awful daydream, and i can't jolt myself out of it...it's really been bringing me down...but i feel so detached, and i feel like i'm having a hard time grasping something concrete...to enough of an extent to where i can pull myself out of this rut

have you ever felt like you had been robbed of the life you thought you were supposed to have? how about of the person you thought you were? i hate, hate, hate holding grudges, but sometimes i just can't bring myself to point to let go...things like that just don't seem fair, and i'd feel like i was doing my own self an injustice...but i'm really just eroding myself...and there are times when i even can't stand myself...i get on my own nerves alot of the time, and i don't know why i do things that i do

the book i'm reading right now talks alot about forgiveness...and how important it is towards self-improvement... but i have such a hard time in that aspect...and since i can't seem to forgive others (when they don't want it), and i can't forgive myself, i attempted to ask God for forgiveness...but found myself full of insincerity because i didn't trust myself not to just go back into the same routine

i wish i had someone who was good at psychology to just follow me around and tell me why i sometimes feel the way i feel and sometimes do the things i do

i'm stronger every step i take
--run kid run

sorry this entry was really emo...i never intentionally tried to paint myself as though i was never anything but happy, but i believe that problems are best dealt with and not plastered up online for everyone to see...on the other hand, i'm really not that emo of a person anyway...my sad times are few and far between and don't last that long when they come on...i just haven't been able to shake this one as quickly

cause it'll be me unless
i put some thoughts to rest
and i leave some faults behind

i know alot of my recent entries have begun with me cleaning out my room and finding something...lol...i do regret to inform you that this entry will, unfortunately, follow that same pattern...i think the reason this has become a trend is because of the stage i'm at in my life right now...i mean, i finished high school, went to college, graduated...now i'm stuck in this whole stage (and mindset, really) of "ok...now what?"...so, since my future is currently unclear, it's much easier to look to the past...which is concrete...but anyways, now to begin my story

about 6 years ago, i had a "friend"...at least, someone that i thought was a friend at the time...without boring everyone with too many details, let's just say said friend-at-the-time was awful...and me thinking i was in love with her only made it worse...she was the kind of person who would make up elaborate stories almost just to see if you'd believe them...then apologize dramatically like she had had a great awakening to make sure you were still her friend...ok, enough of that...the point of this entry is not to be too emo, i promise...lol...moving on, one day i finally told this person to leave and never talk to me again...this was the first time i had delivered such an ultimatum...of course, i was unsure if i was able to follow through with it

be certain the steps
of left and right don't fight
the direction of upright

a couple months later, after multiple attempts by her to regain our quasi-friendship, she did two things that kinda threw me for a loop...it was my birthday, and the two things were the following: she wrote me a really long, personal letter; and she bought me the debut taking back sunday album...that being my new favorite band at the time, and the fact that she put that much thought into it did mean alot to me...so, i told you that to get back to the point of this entry

as promised, i was cleaning out crap in my room, and i came across that note that she had written me...i had, unfortunately, kept it...mainly because i'm a sentimental moron, and partially because i had really wanted to believe her at the time...i wonder what she would say now...now that i have shown that, despite all of her "you need me" cries, i really didn't need her...yet, i still felt compelled to keep her apology...and i wonder how she would feel if she knew that the tbs cd she gave me is on my cd shelf...still...after all these years, in the shrink wrap she bought it in

the reason i felt all this merited a melo entry was because of my discovery that i can, in fact, be resolute...that when i say something, i mean it...and i reflected for a moment about the events that had taken place, took a quick look at myself and where i am now...and thought to myself..."can i keep a promise, or what?"

'cause i could spend my life
just trying to sift through
what i could've done better
but what good do 'what if's do?
--relient k

a few days ago, i finally got to hang out with my cool friend who now lives in utah...it was cool, but it's also a bit lame since i probably won't see her again until next christmas...anyways, we did cool stuff together, like go to outback, and steak 'n shake...and we played wii, and watched home movies, and watched 'flight of the conchords'...it was me, cassie, ashley, andrew...also, during some parts, lauren was there...and others, lindsey was there...so that was pretty neat...since she was going to be gone for the actual new years eve thing, which was, of course, last night...we had a fake one on tuesday at 8:..lol...so, we did what we also do at a typical ashley new year...we burned a gingerbread house, recorded the whole thing, then counted down to "midnight:" by turning on a youtube video recording from last year's new year...haha...it was actually pretty hardcore...here are some pics

the last one is my favorite, even though it's really blurry : )

it was great to be able to hang out with her again for the first time in a long time...i have really been lacking in my girlspacefriend department...i mean, ashley lives in utah...shea moved to some place near atlanta...and hayley lives on the otherside of nowhere...so, yeah...it was cool to be able to see her again

i saw a sign on a church a week or so ago that said "keep christ in christmas"...i don't know if they're dense or if they've just completely missed the point...since they obviously didn't think this through, i feel like i need to say that by saying "keep christ in christmas", they're implying that christmas is something that doesn't involve christ, but that we should keep christ a part of it...dear that-church, christmas is supposed to be all about christ...what you meant to say was "remember, christmas is about christ"...regardless, they probably still celebrate xmas like the rest of our ridiculous society: by making target and walmart even richer...and then playing santa with their children, and decorating a big tree in their living room...yes, i did just judge a book by its cover, but i'm probably still right

lucky for me, however, i didn't have to be subjected to as much xmas as i usually am...i was sick for, like, 2 weeks during december, then in utah for 5 days...go me

new years turned out to be really awesome...me and cassie hung out together at her house, since everyone else had other plans...trust me, we tried...lol...we watched the tosh.o marathon, had our own little countdown, had some wine, kissed at midnight...it was pretty great...i'm glad everyone else was too cool for us...lol...night to remember for sure : ) hope all of your nights were great, too

ugh, i forgot to include in the last entry that while we were in utah, the leonardo dicaprio version of 'titanic' was on virtually the whole weekend...everytime we turned on the tv, it was on...it almost became a punchline to us...goodness, that movie is so frickin bad for so many reasons...at least there was some 'the office' to save us...oh, and the season finale of 'psych' just happened...not a bad episode...i think i liked the 'police academy' one better...lol

here's to 2011...good luck being better than 2010

even if i lose the game, i'm all in
i'm all in for life
--lifehouse

i think everyone should do one of these entries...i think it helps you keep your life in perspective by showing you what you've accomplished...but don't just try to throw one together...think it through...i've been working on this entry for almost 2 weeks...anyways...here we go

part i: things i've learned in 2010
--dating someone for 2 years does not mean you know them
--people don't need rationale for their actions, and they can and will surprise you with just how irrational their behavior can be
--people are really fickle, and longterm friends might turn their back on you for no reason
--amoxicillian does not cure tonsilitis entirely by itself
--sore throats are the absolute worst, and i'll never take a normal gulp of anything for granted ever again
--90s pop-rock was one of the greatest eras for mainstream music
--both philosophy and political philosophy should be considered crucial to any education
--skiing is difficult, and i really suck at it
--being drunk is not fun, and calling it quits was easy after one time
--second degree burns can almost entirely heal themselves
--jeeping offroad, climbing mountians, and visiting old, run-down houses is alot of fun as long as you have the right company
--i can, indeed, graduate with a degree in political science
--most christians are unphilosophic and ignorant
--LOST is, and always will be, the greatest tv show ever produced
--gLee is, and always will be, the worst tv show ever produced
--i am invincible...try to bring me down; it will not work
--ashley, shea, and hayley are the greatest girlspacefriends that i have
--God is not so much there for me as i am here for Him
--the worst thing you can do if you want to see me incredibly irate is to spread lies about me
--cassie is an amazing person, and i am a lucky guy

part ii: what went down in 2010
so much has happened this year, and i'm actually kind of excited to lay it all out...it's weird how so much can change over just a period of twelve months, but you would be surprised...i know i was...let's see, rewinding to january...crazy time in my life, because i was so sure i knew where my life was going...i had a job stocking shelves at a petstore...not the most glamorous job, i know...but i made decent money for where i was in my life, and i kinda enjoyed it...i was starting my last semester in college before i would graduate, which i was already nervous about...my truck was giving me all kinds of hell...ugh, one thing after another...to the point where i almost had to start begging for rides to work...i actually did for a while >.< ...i was dating a girl that i was sure, at the time, i was going to marry...i was rooming with two roommates who frequently got off by terrorizing me while i was trying to sleep

the next month was alot of fun...lol...i got out of the room with the crazy roommates into the third room i'd live in that school year...the girl i was with at the time left me for another guy (or something, who knows) and then lost her frickin mind...she ended up spreading a bunch of rumors about me to not just her friends, but also my friends and family, saying i was abusive and overly critical and that i had cheated on her and was harrassing her...poor girl...i bet she actually believes those things happened...lol...so, i had to deal with all that...especially since she was doing her best to make it as awful as possible...i started drinking somewhere in the midst of this, but quickly gave it up as soon as i realized it wasn't really helping...sobriety is a virtue...i ended up getting my truck fixed after about $1500 of repairs...my friend at the time, katie, was driving me to work alot...i ended up quitting work about a month before the end of the semester so i could focus heavily on graduating...i met cassie somewhere around or before this time...at this point, we were just kinda acquaintances...i knew her before this...i had seen her with the bible study group, or over at our house hanging out with lauren...i noticed she was really cute, but didn't really think much of her past that since i was in a relationship at the time with the aforementioned...thing...but anyways, we started talking a little...texting each other occasionally, iming each other, watching the office on netflix...lol...she helped me get motivated to finish my papers...which was difficult because of the anxiety medication i had to pick up

skipping a little bit ahead, i graduated...i was so psyched when i saw that i had passed my senior seminar class...i think i might have cried...lol...i didn't even know who to tell first...anyways, i got all packed up and ready to leave...checked out...had a couple of emotional moments before leaving the campus the last time...it's a big deal, cause i had to go through all the stuff that had changed since i had arrived at that campus as a freshman...the following summer was great...i got to spent more and more time with cassie...we hung out alot, and went on plenty of adventures...most of which you can read just by scrolling down far enough...lol...she was the type of girl you just have a hard time not falling for...cute, inside and out...grounded, stable...down-to-earth...hilarious...i could go on and on

i can't remember if it was before cassie and i got together or after, but somewhere during the summer, the girl from the beginning of this entry messaged me over aim...pretty much asking me to be her friend again...(which totally lines up with all the stuff she claimed, and probably still claims, i did, lol)...after telling her no, i assume she lost her mind again, since that's what she's good at...she actually started blaming me for some stupid stuff she had been doing, as if that had anything to do with me...lol...at some point she even tried to refriend my family on facebook after blocking me...it was kinda funny...my parents and sister were so pissed...haha...i'm really sorry that i have to keep including this much stuff about that chick in this entry...unfortunately, she kept trying to show up and ruin my year...the worst part is that i left most of it out so i could move on to something else...lol...fortunately, however, this is where the stuff about her stops...also, during the summer, one of my friends at the time started acting really weird...then she blocked me on facebook...so, who knows what her problem is...i do know one thing though...friends don't act silly like that...so, i don't even view it as losing a friend

i took up my old job for the summer waiting tables...something easy that i know how to do that i know i can make at least some money doing...me and cassie started getting a little closer...flirting more than hanging out, i think...i told her that i was interested in her, to which she said she felt the same...after getting up from having fainted, ;) , we decided to take things really slow and see what happened...exactly my style...i don't remember the exact date, but i kissed her for the first time somewhere in late july or the very beginning of august...we started dating on august 3rd...our relationship really took off from there...it was the perfect mix of 'taking it slow' and 'pushing towards serious'...i will go to work, come home, chill for a second, then pick up and go to cassie's house and hang out with her...where we'll watch 'the office' or 'tosh.o' or 'psych' or 'arrested development'...all great shows, of course...we discovered that we had similar enough tastes in music to dig each others', but not so similar that we get bored with each others' music...getting to know her has been great...at first, i could tell she was hesitant to open up, but now that i feel like she has for the most part, i really am liking the person i'm seeing...let's see, halloween was exactly the same this year as it is every year...girls dress like whores, and i make fun of them...thanksgiving was the same as well...my family gets together...we eat...the women gossip; the men talk about sports...i don't fit in and want to go home the entire time

this month i got really frickin sick...i was practically bed-ridden for a week straight...and that didn't even encompass the entire illness...i had the worst fever, the worst headache, body aches...my eyes hurt...i couldn't get up without feeling fatigued...sore throat, ugh...it was awful...i won't go into all the details because it's all laid out in the entry right before this one...lol...also, i have yet to lay out the ski trip from which i just recently returned and to complain about how much i dislike the xmas "holiday" season...i plan on doing that either tomorrow or the next day

i guess the thing i could say about 2010 is that i started out thinking i had it all figured out...only to lose all of that...at present, i have no idea where my life is gonna go...that's ok, though...not that i'm a fan of uncertainty...actually i'm a huge not-fan...but i'd rather have this uncertainty laced with possibility rather than the type of certainty i thought i had at the beginning of the year

the inspiration for this entry came about due to two reasons...the first is that i tend to become more sentimental than normal in response to the change of weather towards autumn...and second, me and my girlfriend's relationship has really kicked off recently to a new level, and i often live under a constant fear of the past repeating itself...i wonder if i can manage to accomplish a successful relationship when my relationship history is full of such epic failures...i can be a horrible judge of character; my ex list is proof of that...so, anyways...now that you know the preface to this entry, let's begin

i first began by posing the question to myself, "am i a good boyfriend?"...almost immediately i came back at myself with a "of course i am; i've never cheated, never left one person for another, never treated a girl like crap, etc." feeling pretty head-strong about my track record...but there has to be more to the answer than these few, basic qualifications...i felt like i was saying i was a good boyfriend simply because i liked myself...people with over-inflated egos also think like that (and that's assuming i'm not one of those people, lol)...so i began to attempt a new approach...a relationship is the interaction of two people...outside of the relationship, there is no relationship...so, the answer to the 'good boyfriend' question must have a great deal to do with the other person in the relationship...were you good in their eyes?...did you meet up to their expectations and standards...and satisfy their needs and wants?...do they miss or still respect you after it is over?...under this logic, i guess that would mean i am not

no, no...that cannot be it either...sometimes the other person is irrational, unrealistic, or unstable...sometimes they are unnecessarily demanding, or needy...if you were one of these things, could you honestly hold a significant other at fault for not meeting unrealistic expectations?...i think not...also, sometimes personalities cause a relationship to fall apart...and the blame is not on anyone...i don't think one should have fault given them for something doomed to fail before it began...perhaps i have meandored even further off the mark than i was originally...perhaps there is, indeed, such a thing as what or how a relationship should be...in an objective sense...meaning there is such a thing as what or how a boyfriend should be...but just what does that entail?

going back to the first paragraph (after the intro), i think all of those qualifications apply...a boyfriend should not cheat, should not develop feelings for someone else while in a serious relationship, should not treat their girl like crap...duh...however, my beginning lacks motive...it is not these actions alone that make one a good boyfriend...it is the love and dedication to that person...are you willing to put your heart fully into the relationship, with a determination to make it work? i believe that is what makes someone a good boyfriend...the rest of the qualifications will follow...with that in mind, i really feel like i can say 'yes, i am a good boyfriend'...not because i'm perfect and never do anything stupid, not because i'm great and think i'm some awesome guy, or even because i follow a checklist of qualities or because i think everyone loves me...but because i sincerely aim at success in every relationship i am in, regardless of the actual outcome

this entry may sound like a couple things to you...it may come across as the tired ramblings of someone on too little sleep to be talking about such a topic...it may seem as though i took a good 4 paragraphs only to come to a conclusion that, to everyone else, may seem like the most obvious answer, and just common sense...who knows? i was merely writing what was on my mind...criticism is, of course, encouraged : )

[reposted from cunegonde]

this entry will be written from the point of view of a christian to other christians...that is just a heads-up to the non-christians who may have stumbled upon this entry...i don't mind if everyone else reads it, obviously, if you're interested in assuming a christian viewpoint for the sake of this entry...just keep what i said in mind

the idea for this entry came about because i guess i have a habit of getting into religious discussions with people often...and i'm not talking about discussions with atheists because i'm christian...i'm talking about with other christians...for the most part, i try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to religious differences...people are allowed to believe whatever they want...but, i sometimes can't stop myself from inserting some comment that questions whatever they just said

my problem with modern-day christianity is that it is so incredibly unphilosophic...christians no longer think for themselves...instead, they base everything they believe off of what someone else has told them is true...and often times, the beliefs are absurd and don't make sense...my aim in this entry is to attempt to, in a way, "fix christianity"...because, i believe, it has gotten very distorted due to unchecked group-think...i don't intend for this entry to be absolutely perfect; my aim is to inspire christians, and anyone really, to think for themselves

first thing...i have noticed that many christians tend to turn their noses up at the mere mention of philosophy...because they see it as a threat to their religious beliefs...to those people, i need to say that philosophy is only a investigation of truth and existence...meaning, that if something is true (even religion), it should be able to stand the investigation of that truth...hiding what you believe from scrutiny only displays your own insecurity with your beliefs...any religion that conflicts with philosophy is not religion at all...furthermore, i need to clarify that religion and science should not be at odds...ever...christians, stop being scared of scientific discovery...scientists, stop acting like what you've discovered proves God doesn't exist...religion and science cover two completely different realms that have nothing to do with each other...science focuses on the physical...religion focuses on the spiritual and how we should live...science is not threatening in any way; it is merely a method of better understanding the world that God has made

and going even further than the last paragraph...the entire 'creationism v. evolution' debate is not only useless, but completely absurd...christians ought to be ashamed of themselves for going along with this debate...the bible says that God created the world in seven days...(anyone who thinks that was actually seven days in a modern-day week does not know how to think for him or herself)...but it doesn't say just how He went about doing that...creationism only states that God created the world...evolution states that man slowly evolved over many years from one thing into what we are today...christians need to stop pretending like they know what method God used to create the world and agree that He may have used evolution to reach this end...and any proof of evolution is just that: proof of evolution...it has no impact on proving God does or doesn't exist

there are many stories in the bible which are purely metaphors...the creation story of genesis is a metaphor...everything about the book of revelation is a metaphor...the bible's description of heaven is probably a metaphor...even the bible's description of hell is probably a metaphor...we christians should stop pretending like we have all the answers and admit that there are alternate possibilities...just thinking on this subject for about :45 will reveal these things

it is impossible that the bible is 100% flawless...perhaps the original texts were inspired by God, but they were still written by man...and even in its translation by william tyndall, it passed through king james...who arranged his own "authorised version"...if something in the bible goes against what we, deep-down, logically know to be true, it should be secondary to that logic...going further, the whole christian "rapture" translation does not make any sense...i'll explain more in the next paragraph

the traditional concept of miracles is impossible...God created a very intricate, organized, and beautiful universe...and within this universe are rules...laws of nature...these laws of nature cannot be defied...because doing so would have many undesirable side effects...miracles are events where the laws of nature are defied...i'm not saying that God is powerless to do anything miraculous...just that doing so would destroy the natural order of the universe...this is why the rapture translation does not make sense...it does not make sense that people all over the world would just disappear into thin air with no trace...this would defy order, and the laws of nature

God has nothing to do with the events in your everyday life...He does not cause your car to breakdown...or keep it from breaking down...He does not provide you with a job...He does not provide you with your money...(honestly, as an aside, i think if God entered our world again, He would find our entire system of life and society absolutely disgusting...so why would He?)...God does not heal your sickness, or cause you to acquire one...good things happen, and bad things happen...if you get sick, it's not because God hates you...if you get well, it's not because God favors you...it's because the elements and rules that existed before you did played out in your favor...prayer does not affect outcomes...God has His perfect will and does not mold that to our liking

the book of revelation should be more highly scrutinized...it seems to me like it is more likely that it was added as a goal by someone with world domination in mind...not as a prophecy...i know, by many first-hand examples, how these "prophecies" inspire christians to sit back and do nothing because they believe it will happen regardless

anyone who doesn't know what this symbol means, should not be using it

christians, don't be ignorant toward religion...i'm not perfect; none of us are...i don't have all the anwers; none of us do...and occasionally, we find that our own beliefs are wrong...but we should always be striving to uphold the truth

feedback is encouraged