and rewind.

But seriously...

If you see videos/pictures of me tagged in facebook...

I was feeling... gooooooood.
So be gentle.

Last night was fun. Work hard... play harder...specially since i RARELY go out.

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.
Joyce Brothers

“Just acting as a gentle reminder, here today, gone tomorrow; so don’t get attached to things.” - Harold and Maude

Name: Marianne
Date: 2/11/2010
Colorgenics Number: 72153046
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You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life!

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

I agree but disagree with some things. I only care for the approval of those who I trust and like.

If anyone really knows me.. they know that I wanted to be a lawyer since the third grade. I went to this National Youth Leadership Forum On Law in D.C. I really love Corporate law. Well, I let that dream go to the way side. I wasn't sure. And cost is mind blowing. Plus going to one of the top 10 law schools is the best bet. You most likely will get a good job that way... So I am stuck.. between a Masters, the military, and law school. I hope to own a business. I want a club, but... anything that I enjoy doing is fine with me.

So this is part of the email from my Aunt Monika...
"...You know----as I'm reading your e-mail and you said you want to get your masters---I think that's very smart and a great idea.....what I would say is---figure out what career path you can take that gives you as much independence as possbile......I think law school would be very good----you love to argue-----if you haven't thought about it---please do-----and then do it---but only if you really enjoy it-----that makes all the difference.....if it's not for you---then it's not for you-----if becoming a nun is what you want -----do it---do whatever you want to do....take care---love----Aunt M"

Money is my major reason for not going. I would for sure be BROKE.
And I like things. I am never satisfied. Truly. Part of that I guess is... my parents never really expected much from me, because I think they knew I knew what was expected of me. Math was never my subject. So they expected the variety of C's I obtained. They knew I wanted to do well, but Math was just difficult for me. My Mother is a very intelligent woman. My father is a perfectionist. He can build things and they will be perfectly crafted. My oldest sibling is so intelligent that he hates to try anything new for the fear at failing. This is proven with people who have high intelligence levels. My professor for Marital Relations & Sexuality was discussing this with us. My sister taught herself how to read at age 4. She doesn't have the self esteem and go getter attitude necessary for achieving things. And this breaks my heart. My other brother is also very intelligent. He can build things and bullshit like no other. Persuasion is one of his greatest things. And the way he presents things to you is key. I had a class with him and I was amazed at what I heard from him. He also lacks some of that confidence in himself, I am afraid. And he hasn't been dealt a very good deal. I think people feel threatened by him, so they try to get rid of him.

My siblings have always turned to me for advice. They all rely on me to "really make it" in this world, which would be being successful. They rely on me for being the emotional support and making sure things run smoothly. My Mother told me that I have no idea how much they rely on me and how much my opinion matters to them. And the more I reflect on this.. the more I realize it. I remember my brother asked my opinion about little girls having their ears pierced before they are 1.

I feel so lost. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing anymore.
I just need some direction. If anyone knew how fragile I was right now... they could really mess me up.

I guess the feelings I do have.. I let out here... some of them.. and a very small look into my feelings. Everyone tells me I am horrible at showing them and it takes so much for them to get some kind of feeling out of me. I do not deny that. And I guess that is why I may appear weird to people

I haven't had much to smile about lately.
I've been pretty down.
Like break down mode.
Just so unhappy.
I know I don't have it as bad as some people, but damn it.
I can be depressed every now and then.
My mother assured me the way I was feeling was "normal", because I am a college student and things have been a little hectic for me. If she only knew the half of it.

My mother is having me sit with her while she grades these Japan posters.
Ahhh.

In times like these... retail therapy is what I turn to.
Clothes, make up, movies, undies, books, Macbooks, PCs, and etc.
Anything I can buy... I will.

Of course, since I am a poor college student... money isn't abundant. So I go with sales, with things I KNOW that will be a good investment, and look for coupons online to save on ANYTHING. Everything saved counts! I saved 16.60 on my laptop battery. I saved on textbooks. I should go to the Granger Good Will to do some thrifty shopping, for something under my fake leather biker/rocker jacket.

I need these Rampage boots though. So I am going to go with my Father. :)

My parents do love me. I know we don't always agree, but I know they do love me.. not just because they buy me things, but they were genuinely concerned when I had my little break down this weekend.

Sooo I have to do this scholarship thing, so I can save money to buy a Macbook Pro. :D

And I hope my damn credit card application goes through, so I can start building my credit! And no I won't be stupid with it. I am actually pretty good with money.
I just need a better job to support the retail therapy.

P.S. 18 year olds should not get married. MY PERSONAL OPINION. And apparently that makes me rude. What a dumb bitch. HATER.

George W. Bush.... he speeches in print look great.

But the way he presents is the problem...

Have you ever read The War Prayer by Mark Twain?

If not... You should read it. It is beautifully written.

I believe it to be, so it is. (:

In the sense of Persuasion, I think with females... you cannot just present well and write well, but you also have to look good. Males have it much easier... I think. But maybe it's cause men are easily persuaded by women.

The War Prayer
by Mark Twain*
It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.
Sunday morning came -- next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams -- visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation
*God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!*
Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory --
An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"
The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:
"I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think.
"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.
"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!
"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
(*After a pause.*) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!"
It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

• Twain originally dictated this in 1904-5, but his publisher rejected it. The piece was found in his unpublished manuscripts after his death, and finally published in 1923.

Roughly the money I spent on books this semester.

Not too bad!

This semester looks a little more challenging.

So that means...

Some weekend trips to Chicago is a must.

Drinks after class.. a must.

Naps... a must.

Zumba? Maybe.

Seriously... I don't how I attract these idiotic men.




I GIVE UP!

Name: Marianne
Date: 12/15/2009
Colorgenics Number: 15703264
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You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

our lives are not determined by what happens to us
but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us,
but by the attitude we bring to life.
a positive attitude causes a chain reaction
of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes.
it is a catalyst,
a spark
that creates extraordinary results.