If anyone really knows me.. they know that I wanted to be a lawyer since the third grade. I went to this National Youth Leadership Forum On Law in D.C. I really love Corporate law. Well, I let that dream go to the way side. I wasn't sure. And cost is mind blowing. Plus going to one of the top 10 law schools is the best bet. You most likely will get a good job that way... So I am stuck.. between a Masters, the military, and law school. I hope to own a business. I want a club, but... anything that I enjoy doing is fine with me.

So this is part of the email from my Aunt Monika...
"...You know----as I'm reading your e-mail and you said you want to get your masters---I think that's very smart and a great idea.....what I would say is---figure out what career path you can take that gives you as much independence as possbile......I think law school would be very good----you love to argue-----if you haven't thought about it---please do-----and then do it---but only if you really enjoy it-----that makes all the difference.....if it's not for you---then it's not for you-----if becoming a nun is what you want -----do it---do whatever you want to do....take care---love----Aunt M"

Money is my major reason for not going. I would for sure be BROKE.
And I like things. I am never satisfied. Truly. Part of that I guess is... my parents never really expected much from me, because I think they knew I knew what was expected of me. Math was never my subject. So they expected the variety of C's I obtained. They knew I wanted to do well, but Math was just difficult for me. My Mother is a very intelligent woman. My father is a perfectionist. He can build things and they will be perfectly crafted. My oldest sibling is so intelligent that he hates to try anything new for the fear at failing. This is proven with people who have high intelligence levels. My professor for Marital Relations & Sexuality was discussing this with us. My sister taught herself how to read at age 4. She doesn't have the self esteem and go getter attitude necessary for achieving things. And this breaks my heart. My other brother is also very intelligent. He can build things and bullshit like no other. Persuasion is one of his greatest things. And the way he presents things to you is key. I had a class with him and I was amazed at what I heard from him. He also lacks some of that confidence in himself, I am afraid. And he hasn't been dealt a very good deal. I think people feel threatened by him, so they try to get rid of him.

My siblings have always turned to me for advice. They all rely on me to "really make it" in this world, which would be being successful. They rely on me for being the emotional support and making sure things run smoothly. My Mother told me that I have no idea how much they rely on me and how much my opinion matters to them. And the more I reflect on this.. the more I realize it. I remember my brother asked my opinion about little girls having their ears pierced before they are 1.

I feel so lost. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing anymore.
I just need some direction. If anyone knew how fragile I was right now... they could really mess me up.

I guess the feelings I do have.. I let out here... some of them.. and a very small look into my feelings. Everyone tells me I am horrible at showing them and it takes so much for them to get some kind of feeling out of me. I do not deny that. And I guess that is why I may appear weird to people