So Si loves Liz. They are in love.

He told me today while I was in training: we were emailing. And again I felt nothing.

I am over him. At last. There is nothing left there.

He is in love. I have moved on.

It is done.

:)

I have no passion in writing this. Not one bit of anger or caring, but I feel I need to write something about this.

I come home from college and find I have a Facebook message from Si, but his photo is not showing.

I open it to find a number of messages about Mark and I:
- you guys had sex now ? you a couple ?
- i mean you and mark!
- sorry of inapproppiate i just guessed because of your profile and seeing youu 2 together
- hope you had a good day

All within 3 minutes.

So he has un-friended me and apparently blocked me! Why? What is the point?

I put up some photos of Mark and me from the weekend and suddenly I am "in a relationship" and down a friend (and about 200 photos!)

Why would he react like this? I logged on as this cuddly bear we have on FB and have seen that he is now "in a relationship with Liz Benson" as of recently: they seem to be getting on well, so why do this because I put a couple of pics up!?

I am just sitting here proud that I feel nothing. It shouldn't be pride I feel, but it is! I feel I have moved on. This weekend has helped with that. Scratch that: this weekend has done that for me. I have the relief and the happiness that comes with it.

I don't feel anything. Not happiness, not shame, not sadness, not hurt; nothing.

As we tried to sleep I giggled slightly with the fact that I felt nothing. I though I would cry when this moment came. I thought I'd feel some pain inside my chest. I thought my head would over think all of this and tear me up inside.

But there was nothing. Just silence in my head and heart.

Does this mean I've moved on from you properly? Have I reached that place where I can give myself to someone else and not have you be a part of it in any single way?

I hope so. I hope you are out of my system.

For once, I can say this is not about Si… It’s about you. You who I thought was gone, but you are in my head and in my dreams.

This is probably down to seeing you in some photos last night as I organised some to print for my new photo album and that I accidentally text you on Friday, but that shouldn’t mean you come into my dreams when it is impossible to think of anything else.

*****

It was my birthday party on some big hill somewhere with rocks and an old building. The party was great, people were happy and I was having a ball. Then in you walked. The room stopped and turned to you. They knew our history, they knew you weren’t welcome. We watched as you walked towards the presents table and put down a card and something else. I think you walked to the bar; you went out of sight, but the room stayed hushed.

I opened the card: it was red and looked home-made. You had drawn around your nose in the corner and wrote inside that you hoped I had a great day and that you thought the theme was the best yet. Only then did I look up and see that some people were dressed in Roman soldier outfits. I closed the card and saw you had written “Roman Centurion” on the front.

I remember the feeling of confusion mixed with hurt. People were still quiet; the whole party diminished in happiness. I went outside and cried; not sobbing, but that silent, movement-less despairing crying. Everyone came outside and circled you; you were leaning against a wall watching me. A man went up to you, face-to-face, and he turned to me. I closed my eyes and turned away, my hand over my mouth.

I heard the sound, the gasps, the crack. But then, at the same time I saw it, without looking, I saw your face crumple under the blow, the blood spray from your face.

I dropped to the floor and wailed. They all looked to me, I looked up to see you straighten up and await the next blow.

A queue formed to your side of those who wished to hurt you for what you had done to me. I cried for them to not. I looked down, scared of what I would see and hear. But no noise came. I looked up to see people walk past you, lightly tapping your face instead of inflicting the pain they want to give you, for me. But, for me, they didn’t.

*****

I am not good at analysing dreams, but maybe this shows I still care for you and we have a lot to work out, but I have known this for a long time and don’t want to make things right. I don’t want you in my life. You were a big part, and you left a hole, but that hole has now scarred over. I will still feel it, but I will do all I can not to damage it again.

So I had my date last night. He was great: funny, easy-going, had loads to talk about and felt really comfortable. All the things you want, except he did nothing for me. When I had a chance to look at him properly I was trying to tell if I fancied him. I could tell he was good-looking, but I was trying to see if I felt anything. When he went off for drinks or to the loo I tried to feel if I felt anything, which should have told me straight away, that there was nothing going on.

The evening ended and we made plans for Saturday, but then there was the uncomfortable goodbye. We hugged, I pulled away and he kissed me, then we kissed. Far from the best kiss of my life, but not the worst; he had thin lips which always leads to not-the-best-kisses.

I went to bed happily, and even something was smiling down at me as I woke up at 5, thinking it was 6 but hoping it wasn’t, and realised I could sleep a little longer (which is irrelevant, but made me happy). But during the night I dreamt of this amazing kiss and this amazing guy. When I woke up I realised it was Si’s body and Si’s kisses (but better!).

I felt fine this morning, but at some point during my train journey I got this real nervous feeling which is still in me. I have no idea where it has come from or what it is for, but it is there making my stomach all fluttery.

So, now I am left with a plan for Saturday with a guy who I don’t fancy but get on well with, a nervous feeling in my stomach and a rash on my arm which has spread to my chest and legs…

*needs a hug*

I can't even remember my last entry but it was probably about Si and his new girlfriend. They have kissed, they have had sex, so I guess it is all go with them now.

I am happy for him: completely. I am just sad for me. I am sad for the fact I won't be able to see him as much anymore. Not that I probably will want to, as I need to spend some time alone, but the option has always been there and now it will be gone.

I saw him yesterday which was nice; some lunch and a DVD. We were watching on his bed (as that is the only place to watch the TV) and enjoying the film. I was kind of lying on his arm (pillow in between) and I relaxed and finally felt happy for the first time in ages. I even said so.

Then his phone rang and he spoke to her. I heard her voice and she became real. I heard him flirt (though he had no idea that he was doing it) and plan when he could see her. I looked away and tried to not think of it, but it bothered me alot. Before she could have been made up, but to hear her voice made it/her real.

When he finished he offered me a hug as he could see I was not right and I walked off the the toilet. I wanted to cry, to express my feelings, but I was just hollow inside. When I came back and sat down we hugged and I told him to stop worrying, we got on with the film and then I left.

I so want to be over this. I want to be happy for him and happy for me. I can see he is a different person now he has someone else in his life, well a few people really, and I am glad for him that he now does.

It is easy for him/anyone to move on if they have someone else or something else to focus on. I am trying not to have anyone else in my life as I need to focus on me, so that means I have to find something else instead.

I just need to sort myself out. I have started with organising my clothes: I am going to try and make more effort with what I wear. I have lost nearly 1/2 stone already and plan to lose more. I have also started a new (first) beauty regime: bio-oil, body countouring cream, foot moisturising and better hair care. A new Claire is on her way. I hope.

Last night I went to a dance class. Ceroc Kent run lessons/classes most evenings all over the place and I went to the Bromley one with a hope to get into it and pick up a new (first even) hobby.

I saw a demonstration of the dancing back in Gravesend at some sort of festival and it looked great! But the location for the local one was rubbish and we were skint, so I didn't go. Now I have no excuses: a little bit of money, a handy location, no boyfriend, and an up-coming date to look good for.

So I went, registered, got a drink and sat. We got pulled up and were shown what we were going to learn. OMG! It was fast and complicated! I freaked a little, even more so as I was paired with a very large, ugly man...

The steps were OK to learn and they did start slowly and it was alright but then we had three moves (which are made up of loads of steps) and then had to string them together. Not fun. Messed it up mosty times! So when it was time for the "Freestyle" where you ask/or get asked to dance and you just dance away, I ran. |I got my stuff and left.

I wimped out.

Not sure what the main reason was: Being nervous? Realising I couldn't pick it up that quickly when I can pick up most things easily? Scared no one would ask me to dance? Scared someone would ask me to dance? Embarrassing myself? Trying something new? Being bad at something I thought I would always be good at?

Whatever it was, I left.

Sitting at the bus stop and all the way home, I just thought about how I ran. How I gave up so quickly. Am I that fickle? Am I that pathetic? Am I that weak? Probably.

I can go back at any time. But I think I would only want to if I went with someone I could dance with the whole time instead of swapping partners. If i can get Si to go then maybe I could enjoy it and build up some confidence. Or I could just never go back and find something else to do.

In other news, my blind date is possibly set for next Thurs. I have his number to get in contact and was going to text pretty much straight away, but being new to this, I Googled and saw that you should wait two days to get in contact. So today is that day.

Not sure when to text: this evening shows I am not out and doing something, but during the day he may not be able to reply and I will be left hanging. Rah! I feel nervous about this already without worrying about this bit! Do I text something flirty or just a "Hi, you ok? What we doing next week?" type thing? Really, someone please tell me!

Been worrying about appearance for this: he seems to think I look "hot" in my pic, but that was from 2 years ago, in black & white, and I was happy as I was in love and in Prague. So... I have been moisturising like crazy, I have a list of beauty products to buy and my first ever manicure is booked for next Weds. As much as I hope this doesn't work out: I will be spending a lot on this, so it should be fun at least to make up for the expense. But then again, I should get into a routine of looking after myself better. Nearly 25 now...

God, I am going on... But advice on the text thing would be great if anyone would care to comment?

On Sunday my boss and I had the following text converstaion:
Adam - Do you want a boyfriend? I may have ound someone :)
Me - Excuse me?
Adam - Jo an i think you would be ideal for each other
Me - You too must be bored!
Adam - Nope, just trying to help
Me - So you offering me a full blown relationship or a blind date?
Adam - Blind date to start but see where it goes
Adam - Send me you best shot
Me - Its not a blind date if photos are involved! Out now but can send one later unless you have a good one of me from Christmas.

Then yesterday, the first thing he said to me as he came into work was: "you didn't send me a photo!"

Now, I don't want to get into anything. Not at all. But as you can see, I wouldn't mind a date, but I probably shouldn't get onto that path. But by not answering Adam's question and by joking about, I am now in this place where he has a photo of me for this guy and if we both like the look then we will go on a date.

I kind of want it to stop now, but it seems to have got to a place where I can't say no, as Adam will ask why and I don;t want to have the I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship conversation as he will just think I am crazy. And I could do without that.

But since Sunday all I have thought about is this date thing. About how it could be fun, but what if it isn't, what if I like him, (don;t mind if I don't), what if it does go somewhere and I am hanging out with my boss all the time, or what he would know about me, what Adam has told this guy about me... What if it doesn't go well and I have to tell my boss that I don't like his friend.... RAH!

I am not normally this person who obsesses, and I wouldn't say i am now, but I can't get this out of my head! Is this what being a girl is like? Cos I don't like it!

I have a get out plan for it when/if it happens: Becky from college will be in the same place at the same time and be a long lost friend. Cliche I know, but maybe it will work! Just scared of getting into something again...

I’ve just finished watching Notting Hill. I have never been a great fan of that film but it made me smile tonight; I has some funny lines in there!

Anyway, the point is, if you remember, Hugh Grant goes and watches Julia Roberts film on Hempstead Heath some period thing. He hears her say that he is a “noone,” “an old friend” and that she was “not sure why he was even there”. Well, the look on his face: the final ‘click’ that meant he could possibly start to move on and get over her.

I had that this week. I have been off work sick since Tuesday and so have spent four days on my own. I achieved a few items on my to-do list; just a few DIY things etc., went out for a few essentials and created a pinboard of things to make me smile which I have been meaning to do for ages.

Back to the point – I had an email from match.com, went on, searched for men in my local area and guess what I found? Si. On the second page. I wasn’t shocked as I know he had had emails from them before that didn’t look like normal mailings, but it did something.

I knew right then that if he can be putting himself out there, that he is OK moving on and looking at dating etc. that I should not be wasting my time with this anymore.

I may still be in love with him (but hopefully this is on its way out) but I need to stop certain things in my head and heart. I need to not think of him all the time: its not like I daydream about him, but when I am planning things he is there – I can’t watch a film without thinking if I should wait for him to come around to watch it etc.

So, I am going to move on. I love him. He does not love me. I need to get over this ASAP and make a proper life for myself, reliant on no one but myself. I managed to keep myself occupied for four days and achieved a few things which I am proud of, so I just need to keep it up.

Me. Me. Me. That’s what it needs to be. No men. Just me, family and friends.

(N.B. Please excuse the ramblings below: I didn't write out my essay plan before I started!)

I was out last Friday with the girls from college in Beckenham. Had a great time; drank, laughed, danced, took photos. And asked one of them to try some of her coke. Why? I don't know! I found out she had it, and it a moment of stupidity I asked her for some. If I hadn't been pulled off to go to a cash machine and she had agreed then maybe I would have done.

I am not sure what I was trying to achieve. I'm not that curious, I didn't need a pick me up (I was having a load of fun apart from the killer heels slowly murdering my feet) and I was attempting to fit in with a bunch of girly-girls who I hardly know, so really didn't want to make a prat of myself on our first night out.

But it ended up being really fun, coke-free and different. I was sick once home; the only reason for which I can guess would be the fact I mixed drinks (cava, JD, Jager, red bull, champagne) which I never do, as prior to that I felt fine just tired from dancing for 3 hours until 2am.

At Uni I could go to a party or to a club and drink and drink and drink and dance and dance and dance and not be tired, even when I had been up at 8 for lectures or work and had to get up the next day for the same. Most house parties I went to involved me drinking just under an entire bottle of JD without being sick or feeling too bad the next day. But I guess I am out of practice. And being a mature, working, adult now means drinking and dancing and late nights equals being sick and feeling awful the next day.

Last but not least there was sex. Again. Sunday morning was nice: I wanted to, but Monday morning... not so much. Got in a right mood about it, but that doesn't help.

There was a long hug goodbye this morning. Just that little bit too long. I teared up slightly. So maybe all feelings aren't gone as I hoped. I still really do care for him but maybe some love is there. Or maybe it is the fact I have been missing being in a relationship. Christmas is for lovers: for spending ages finding that carefully thought out gift, for opening presents together Christmas morning, for romantic walks in the snow, for holding hands while shopping. And I won't have that this year. I guess it is a habit I will have to get out of.

Finally managed to get into positive figures... :)

Last night I was having sex with someone but, I think, imagining someone else. Completely not on purpose. I have never done that beforeand confused and concerned me.

It was me, and him, but when I touched him, in my head he was someone else. I wasn't even closing my eyes and picturing this person, he was just, (how to describe this...) in me. Not physically, but they were this other person. And it has worried me a little bit.

I don't believe I acted any differently, but once I realised this, something changed. It was different.

I don't want to be a person who does that. But maybe it is a strong indication that I shouldn't have been doing what I was doing in the first place.

But I don't think I am strong enough to put an end to it.

Monday morning, in to work (late due to doctor's) and in a reasonably good mood. Had a good weekend: in London on Saturday; soaked and cold, and didn't get to see any fireworks, but enjoyed the day. Sunday was into town for breakkie and wandering around the shops.

One blip was an argument last night about nothing. Well, a pillow. Pathetic, huh?

Why does this happen? Why can't it just be simple: friends with no history of a relationship. I guess I am just expecting too much too soon. it took an age for Laura and I to get to where we are: other relationships, lots of time, fights, anger and hurt. Worth it in the end. But with him, we are toegther all the time: it is liek we are still together, and even when I mentioned how we are not a couple anymore, he asked "aren't we?" Did he really think we were? Maybe it is relaly time to sit down and decide on some rules, as boundaries are definitely being crossed and way too often.

(BTW: new pic; too dark?)