Noun.1 obsolete : good fortune : prosperity
2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
3 : felicity, aptness

how does one achieve happiness? does it truly exist or is it one of those elusive dreams like true love? are there really genuinely happy people in the world?

if so, how? i want to know. i need to know. its been at least 12 years since i lost my innocence, i suppose you could put it, and sugar coated reality i knew turned into the dark reality of today (yesterday, the day before and probably the day after as well.)

i broke down at work today. started crying. i left an hour early because i couldnt stand to be around people anymore. there are a lot of assholes in the world and unless im perceiving these customers in the wrong way i have been encountering a lot of assholes lately. i dont know what im doing wrong or if its all in my head.

im defective a recall. i need to go returned to the manufacturer and FIXED, damnitt. i want to feel normal.

i dont want my head to spin anymore or my thoughts to race. i dont want to feel like everyone secretly dislikes me and talks about me behind my back (i can thank that paranoia to growing up in small towns and being different).

the worst kind of sadness is the one that comes on without a reason.

i do find hpapiness in my children, dont get me wrong. they are the reason im still fighting.

just please.. let there be hope that somday life will seem less like hell.

on another note, when i was looking up the definition for happiness i found it odd to find the word obsolete being the first listed.

obsoletadj. Etymology: Latin obsoletus, from past participle of obsolescere to grow old, become disused, perhaps from ob- toward + solēre to be accustomed
Date: 1579
1 a : no longer in use or no longer useful b : of a kind or style no longer current : old-fashioned
2 of a plant or animal part : indistinct or imperfect as compared with a corresponding part in related organisms : vestigial

synonyms see old

— ob·so·lete·ly adverb

— ob·so·lete·ness noun

i feel obsolete.

ps: im looking for someone to save me.
he/she doesnt have to be prince(ss) charming.
just my age (or considerably younger than 49)
kind hearted and sincere.

so if you fit any of those categories and are willing to drop everything and move to pa to rescue me from my own misery just let me know.
k? thanks.

dear melo,
i take it this is still the transition mode. i miss the serenity of my old layout that has been replaced by overlapping layers and blocks of blue. dont worry, i will never stop loving you. you will always be my only worldly outlet.

which is what brings me back to you tonight.

why does my mother insist on making my life a living hell?

by the way, a lot has changed over the past few months. kaden, kyler and i have our own place. i got a vehicle with my income tax money. im trying to build a life for my children and i. so WHY do people choose on continuously fucking with me? i keep to myself. i work and come home to take care of my baby boys. thats my life.

of all people, my mother at that. what mother threatens or pursues taking their child to court over money and then continues to fuel the fire by threatening to attempt to take my kids from me.

the woman who couldnt even raise her own children is attacking my motherhood?

FUCK THAT

i phased her out of my life in order to decrease the amount of drama and stress on my shoulders. her craziness and drug induced fits are too much for me to try to juggle with the struggles of my own life.

and here she comes, back again to ruin the day. she said she is putting a hit out on me. you know, id rather someone threaten my life than threaten to take my kids from me. regardless of how many times i am told i am a good mother every mother knows in her heart that there is no perfect mother. i will never reach the standards i have set for myself. every bad thing that happens in my children's lives will fall back on me. you know.. I WORRY ENOUGH ABOUT THIS! to have someone challenge me time and time again?

it's just pure exhaustion.

i just keep telling myself that she has no ammunition. her record is shot and she is too crazy and taking too many drugs.

nevertheless, ever since i have had kaden and kyler it seems i have become a professional at worrying. i want to be the mother they deserve and i try even though its hard because they deserve so much more than any mere person could possibly give. they deserve to live like kings..and im working on making my life better in order to get them as close to that as i possibly can.

its just hard when you have people there constantly pushing you down.

the end.