crashandburn
Can I spend the day alone?
As I walk down the hiking path's on the way to the mansion on the hill I pass by all these people. I tell myself I am hiking a lot more next door to the hollywood sign in an attempt to just work out more, when in fact it's because I can't deal with all the free time I have. I go to work, I come home, if I am lucky people have made time to spend with me.
I miss people. It's amazing how fleeting all of my interactions with people have been.
When I see someone after not seeing them for a bit and I know, I just now even this moment will be over soon I want to grab them. I want to grab them and basically do what Fielding did to Sarah in the last scene of "Waking the dead" I want to grab them and tell them that they did this to me, that they forever changed my life.
You met me at a very strange time in my life.
He goes to bed and it's right before he goes to bed that he has a better undertstanding of the world and his place in it. In a few hours when he wakes up, violently thrust into a world he isn't ready for he has to deal with the world being shifted, it's always shifting and it never stays the same.
See getting used to Corey Haim dying
See Queen Latifah winning the academy award
see 9/11, relatives gone and coming etc.
And it's in those moments he laments not having people understand just what it all means, he doesn't understand what it all means.
And so I walk the path just hoping to drown out the volume of noise in my head alone, always alone. Kind of a metaphor for life and how I live it.
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On the changes of life
The thing is that life just keeps changing and sometimes I wish it wouldn't,
sadly though, it does.
At some point last year I was drinking some diet soda when the cup fell on the computer. So based on the soda falling on the computer it fried and we had no access to the computer.
In that time I had any of a number of conversations with Kris about a lot of things.
I lost a friend, and came to the realization that I just wasn't going to be able to cope with a lot of things.
Josh was this guy I used to hang out with. One day he thought it would be a lot of fun if we went into this one store and pretended to be British. Realizing how retarded it all was I just went into the store as he tried to be as british as possible. It was then that I realized how incredibly retarded life in general was.
A few months ago he was living with some guy in an apartment in hollywood and wanted me to stop by. His guy and a friend of his were sitting around talking about how much of a bitch Samantha on "Sex in the city" was and so I left depressed. This self claimed punk, a friend of mines was living a typical boring life. In many ways the kind of thing I was afraid of living.
Gay
Very gay.
I found him later, accidentally mind you. In an effort to expand my circle I started talking to random people online and he messaged me back claiming "I knew his boyfriend" it was clearly Josh but he was playing another stupid game like he had that one time we went into that store. So he kept going on and on about how his boyfriend "Said this about me.. and his boyfriend said that...." Again way too much first person statements. The thing is that it's all just part of a stupid game people tend to play at times. Thing is that I don't get it a lot. At all. It just seems to be something that some other people generally get, me though....
And so I am just kind of here watching old friends become more and more retarded and watching my nearest and dearest just pass me by. Sad thing, life.
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Something I had to send some internet loser
either way, see "he" might have told you where I work, not what I do.
I am >< that close to being in the legal field.
I want to make you aware of one thing, I don't want you to e-mail me again.
See Section 1708.7 of the civil code
(http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/waisgate?WAISdocID=0647214604+1+0+0&WA...)
Basically says that you're comment (saved the e-mail)" I KNOW WHERE YOU WORK AND LIVE NOW" coupled with the later comment of "Don't fuck with me." Could be seen as a threat and I can pursue a criminal and civil case based on stalking since according to the code you've done more than enough to cause me alarm. The code goes onto list internet threats....
(3) "Electronic communication device" includes, but is not limited
to, telephones, cellular telephones, computers, video recorders, fax
machines, or pagers. "Electronic communication" has the same meaning
as the term defined in Subsection 12 of Section 2510 of Title 18 of
the United States Code.
I can subpoena internet records in a civil case under the "Doe Subpoena"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doe_subpoena)
and get an IP address from this site.
The diferrence between the communication we've had is that I haven't threathened you. Section 1708.7 states I first have to make you aware that you're e-mail are harassing and not wanted and neither are your threaths, One more e-mail and I can pursue a civil claim. I am posting a copy of this online in the event anything happens.
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Don't let me be misundestood
There are bars across this country just full of people who would really just want today to be over with. The thing is that when you're alone in a cold and indifferent world you would rather just go to a bar.
1. That's where the booze lives
2. It's full of fun and exciting strangers and intense possibilities and the chance to change it all in the span of a few minutes.
You spot someone across the room and you go up and talk to them, that person can present a number of possibilities, a world of options.
He leaves and you find yourself alone, just doing the drinking thing.
Hell being alone with family is also equally as hectic. It's all about this mother fucking holiday.
This is that it's the oldest trick in the book
Fucking holidays
If a person had a dollar for every fucking holiday argument due to some sort of misunderstanding they'd be rich.
Hell we all would
1. That's where the booze lives
2. It's full of fun and exciting strangers and intense possibilities and the chance to change it all in the span of a few minutes.
You spot someone across the room and you go up and talk to them, that person can present a number of possibilities, a world of options.
He leaves and you find yourself alone, just doing the drinking thing.
Hell being alone with family is also equally as hectic. It's all about this mother fucking holiday.
This is that it's the oldest trick in the book
Fucking holidays
If a person had a dollar for every fucking holiday argument due to some sort of misunderstanding they'd be rich.
Hell we all would
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Disclaimer
For the record I was probably not as upset as I sounded, thing is that I try to make gonzo blogs and therefore make an over emphasis of what I feel in an effort to make it all be a long rant.
id est
I am cool
id est
I am cool
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Sometimes meaningless gestures are all we have
And in the end as per usual he wound up alone.
THing that you have to understand if that in the spur of the moment someone might tell you they love you and they want you and only you but in the end there's nothing left.
No passion
no sense of want
nothing.
And you find yourself just lying there nightly bored and without any real love or passion and you find strangers and people hardly known to you telling you they care about you. Lies
All just fucking lies.
So what's the point you ask yourself?
I want a life that makes sense
I don't want to watch you turn into a cog in their machine
He thinks back to what life was life a few years ago. When he had all these roomates and was living with his best friend. And he thinks about where life has taken him now and the fact that he lost touch with this best friend and often misses him dearly. He sees him online but can't talk to him because the distance they have now is so fucking vast. He's living this big life without him and he won't remember him anymore or care. If he was to randomly message him and ask him to go get some coffee tommorow he would make up some excuse in an effort to get away.
And the guy his best friend was dating at the time is now livng on another coast. One night in a random need for somewhere to stay, to survive, he told him he loved him and had all along. Staying in some seedy room in some seedy town he confessed this love in an effort to upgrade himself.
All just recited words and phrases all because he's a geisha and it's what he's best at.
And the guy he was seeing at the time he sabotaged. That adorable, great guy, all based on his insecurity and inability to believe someone can love him. And they were at a denny's on the verge of breaking up. And he decided he loved him after all and he held him hand after they left the same franchise restaurant his family would go to for special occasions
Graduation
Good grades
birthdays
etc.
Only because it existed and only because it was there. And he held his hand and wished he could stay in that monent forever. Randomly thinking of the people in the cars that were passing by. Randomly wondering what they thought of both them hand in hand Randomly wondering what the hell life would lead to. Not caring
Got to hit the ground running
And the roomate he insisted sleep in the living room despite his request from his best friend that he somehow get the living room back because he couldn't leave his room without hearing someone snoring on the couch.
That closet case forever lost to him. He remembers the random drunken
nights where he kissed him and he made empty promises
"when he leaves i'll share the room with you"
"I care about you"
all gone when his necessity was left
And he thinks about himself.
And how now none of it matters at all. He finds himself with someone years later who won't hold him and tell him i love you I love you, and cry as he's doing so based on the intense passion they feel. And he thinks that at some point someone somewhere may have offered him this but he passed it up because he was blind.
The short kid with the love for anime?
The college student wise years beyond his age?
The guy that looked like a drowned chihuahua
And it's all pointless years later because no one will ever love him and no one will ever care for him. And he wants to kill himself. And when he's on the train, and the bus he wants to scream out
'SOMEONE FUCKING LOOK AT ME AND LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY! JUST SOMEONE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD LOVE ME!"
And he wants to have some strange run ip to him them
and hold him as he cries
arms caressing both sides of his face
whispering "It's going to be ok" over and over again
But he doesn't
and it won't happen
because he's all alone. So he anticipates the next meaningless gesture because in the end it's all he has and all his life is full of.
THing that you have to understand if that in the spur of the moment someone might tell you they love you and they want you and only you but in the end there's nothing left.
No passion
no sense of want
nothing.
And you find yourself just lying there nightly bored and without any real love or passion and you find strangers and people hardly known to you telling you they care about you. Lies
All just fucking lies.
So what's the point you ask yourself?
I want a life that makes sense
I don't want to watch you turn into a cog in their machine
He thinks back to what life was life a few years ago. When he had all these roomates and was living with his best friend. And he thinks about where life has taken him now and the fact that he lost touch with this best friend and often misses him dearly. He sees him online but can't talk to him because the distance they have now is so fucking vast. He's living this big life without him and he won't remember him anymore or care. If he was to randomly message him and ask him to go get some coffee tommorow he would make up some excuse in an effort to get away.
And the guy his best friend was dating at the time is now livng on another coast. One night in a random need for somewhere to stay, to survive, he told him he loved him and had all along. Staying in some seedy room in some seedy town he confessed this love in an effort to upgrade himself.
All just recited words and phrases all because he's a geisha and it's what he's best at.
And the guy he was seeing at the time he sabotaged. That adorable, great guy, all based on his insecurity and inability to believe someone can love him. And they were at a denny's on the verge of breaking up. And he decided he loved him after all and he held him hand after they left the same franchise restaurant his family would go to for special occasions
Graduation
Good grades
birthdays
etc.
Only because it existed and only because it was there. And he held his hand and wished he could stay in that monent forever. Randomly thinking of the people in the cars that were passing by. Randomly wondering what they thought of both them hand in hand Randomly wondering what the hell life would lead to. Not caring
Got to hit the ground running
And the roomate he insisted sleep in the living room despite his request from his best friend that he somehow get the living room back because he couldn't leave his room without hearing someone snoring on the couch.
That closet case forever lost to him. He remembers the random drunken
nights where he kissed him and he made empty promises
"when he leaves i'll share the room with you"
"I care about you"
all gone when his necessity was left
And he thinks about himself.
And how now none of it matters at all. He finds himself with someone years later who won't hold him and tell him i love you I love you, and cry as he's doing so based on the intense passion they feel. And he thinks that at some point someone somewhere may have offered him this but he passed it up because he was blind.
The short kid with the love for anime?
The college student wise years beyond his age?
The guy that looked like a drowned chihuahua
And it's all pointless years later because no one will ever love him and no one will ever care for him. And he wants to kill himself. And when he's on the train, and the bus he wants to scream out
'SOMEONE FUCKING LOOK AT ME AND LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY! JUST SOMEONE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD LOVE ME!"
And he wants to have some strange run ip to him them
and hold him as he cries
arms caressing both sides of his face
whispering "It's going to be ok" over and over again
But he doesn't
and it won't happen
because he's all alone. So he anticipates the next meaningless gesture because in the end it's all he has and all his life is full of.
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And suddenly no one could say anything
I was riding the goldline to get turtle food yesterday after an extended hike.
And I was reading a book "In the shadow of the american dream" I am on a David Wojnrowicz kick as of late. So I was on the redline (backing up) and this big african american woman in her early 50's with these big glasses was on.
I transfered
went to the goldline
had 10 min. to kill till the scheduled train and this same woman showed up and was joined by a little asian woman. The asian woman
The black woman tells the asian woman something like "Ha I beat you"
The Asian woman tells her that this whole catching the train with a bunch of groceries thing is something she does often because she has to. She tells her they have electricity in her house but they lack a refrigerator due to cash. And so she tells her they are too poor to have one etc. And at that point the black woman tells her about how this mutual guy they know buys a dozen eggs daily and cooks them and "when he's done he drinks the oil!"
So by that point I decided they weren't going to let me read and so I walked away.
Train showed up and I got on and the lady stood across from me. I got this feeling she was majorly scoping the book out and so I kind of ignored it
"So what he do?"
I just ignored her and kept reading till I finished the last 4 sentences of the paragraph and then decided it would be hypocritcal of me not to talk to her since I am a believer in the knocking down of barriers that keep us from effectively communicating with other people due to preconceived ideas of who they are and what they represent based on what our parents, families, society, school, etc. have placed. So I ask her if she can repeat the question and she did.
"Died of Aids in 92" I responded.
"my brother died of aids in 86"
A lot of what she told me was conspiracy theory.
- How Nixon created aids
etc.
She told me to check this one guy out
But the story that emerged was one on how her brother used to go to studio 54 and how he was a doctor. Her brother got aids and made his own prescriptions for morphine. By the end these ulcers had developed in his throath, intestines, etc.
It was hard for him to drink anything and it was painful
"You don't want to go out that way"
I nodded
As she told me the story I realized that like David's book "The waterfront journals"
my life was full of moments like this. When people see that you know what's in the know and you are somewhat of an educated dreamer they are more open to talk to you. So in the end as she told me the this story it was just seeing her getting emotional about it that got to me. She wasn't crying but you could tell it affected her She lamented all the things she had lost.
She got off at the stop after mines and left me kind of in a daze.
Largely it was everything that she had told me but it was this sudden realization that I survived a very turbulent time, if only because I was a kid. This whole history of my gay subculture and this whole history of these people were gone.
And I walked by some spanish car repair shop that was closing down, it's employees having beers doing spanish karaoke
And then I walked by this house that had it's entire yard strung with christmas lights. The house however was also used as a bussiness where they made tombstones and so it was odd to see christmas lights strung up all over the tombstones laid out in the front yard. And I couldn't really find anything to say anymore....
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On useless feelings and wings
So yesterday was some work retreat and again I got told how awesome I am and even got it on paper, which I was appreciative of. But it seems that the people in my life just never tell me at all. It's like the entire world just takes me for granted and shows feelings towards me when they want and largely ignore me the rest of the time.
Fucking annoying.
I mean I bitch about it all the time but the only free time I even gets with Kris on the weekends is in that one hour before he leaves for work, and the rest of the time I sit here bored. And I just don't really have anyone else *sigh*
Fucking annoying.
I mean I bitch about it all the time but the only free time I even gets with Kris on the weekends is in that one hour before he leaves for work, and the rest of the time I sit here bored. And I just don't really have anyone else *sigh*
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You did this to me
Sitting at the drive through of a Jack in the box the day after Kevin took off.
My mom and me suddenly start talking about my name change and it;s then that I tell her the truth.
"You guys fucked up. I had to."
She tries to tell me I could have changed my name to her maiden name when I changed my name. She gets that I largely blame my dad for all the abuse I had to go through. I shake my head "the both of you"
She goes quiet for awhile, the smile she had fades away, she looks forward and silently nods.
I am scum
but I want the world to suffer.
Thing is that despite what he said and what he did i'll always have that talk from the train station before all the bullshit.
Thing is that it was one of those nights where we were engaged in just the right amount of vices to let everything just go
We walked home from the train station and everything seemed to flow
It was like one of those moments like a folk song
a commited conversation you have with someone
late at night
when big ideas float easily.
I haven't had something like that in awhile because it seems that everyone I know is just that fucking scared of letting me see who they are. I mean I think I know people well enough but sometimes
just sometimes
it seems like there's this whole mask people put on and I somehow have the ability to tell when people are trying to bullshit me.
Sometimes it just feels that it's easier just to blame everyone else for all of my shortcomings. Thing is this. It all means something. All of it.
I mean i keep fighting the good fight. The returning of cell phones and assorted papers, the holding open of doors, the what I do for a living.
It's all about just the nod
something I know i've mentioned tons before, but it's true
Thing is that I do it all because you did this to me
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Oi to the Lemur
There are times when it's the last time you know things will be the same.
I mean one such time was when Jeremiah picked up the last of his stuff that one evening and left, or me and squared having a conversation at a park where I tried to plead with him to stay and he wouldn't. Submitted for your approval the 1962 movie "The Exterminating Angel" where guest find they cannot leave a party.....
And an episode of Buffy the vampire slayer (cause that's how geeky I am) with the same idea.
Thing is that in the end we always want to stay. Ever just have one of those moments where you wish you could just stay in that time. Like a good month in your life, week, etc.
Thing is that we tend to focus on the really bad moments in life because they rarely come around. I think all life is more of a celebration of the fact it is there in the first place. It's about lowering your social restrains and enjoying all the variations life has to present.
We were at Karaoke and Kevin was singing a song of some sort ("Creep" by Radio head I believe). An old show girl with absurd make up (think John Waters) showed up and had a seat next to us. Kevin was having a blast and I was just having a good time showing him this possibility he never knew existed. He's from a small town in Virginia (city actually) where they don't have say a gay bar and all the gay men (well the ones who aren't obvious stereotypes) eventually bed women, have children, get married and then sleep with other guys.
Me, an aging showgirl and a drunken southern Irish descendant. And it was at that point that all the shit Kris was giving me and all of the work I would have monday piled up from the weekend just didn't matter And it could have been all the vices we consumed or that look of enthusiasm at singing at a gay bar (followed by a pair of cute lipstick lesbians who sung "Girls just want to have fun" adding a new level of ironic elements to the song not seen since sometime in the 90's when a similar such incident happened somewhere in the greater Milwaukee area) that I realized it was this moment in life I wanted to be caught in. The kevin hanging out part that is. We had a blast and it was then that I discovered my favorite word to find out how polluted I am from vices is "Lemur" because if I find it hilarious I am too far gone.
Thing is there are those who would say it wasn't so much the fact that me and the kevin were made from the same anarcho queer punk geeky cloth so to speak it was the fact that (for a person of my personality) being able to show someone a world they probably aren't ordinarily exposed to is something that would make someone proud maybe even happy.
We've been talking almost daily since 2002 but haven't met. I've sent him a vhs compilation tape here, a twinkie the kid doll there, etc. But when I got him at the train station how really relative time is struck me because i knew at some point I would have to see him off and at some point I would be writing this blog and that at some point someone would take this blog entry as a verifiable poof (it's not) that I wanted to have Kevin's abortion (not the case). But I found myself in the end just wanting to be like Bill Murray (not in his Zombieland role) in "Groundhog day." I wanted to smoke that first bowl, and i wanted to help buy Dolores the aging showgirl that flower before Kevin thought of it as I planned to. And I wanted to do any of a number of things right, not just this week but maybe even the whole thing. There's this need to just want to grab life and shake it and be like "Ok! I am having a really great time with things like this! Just please keep it like this for awhile, please!" Then all those relatives you've lost, and all those missed moments wouldn't be as bad if you could just keep things on freeze for a bit.
Just make a wish and make it so no one ever left the party celebration that is your life.
But in the end they have to, someone ultimately has to pick up and set the hall up for the next engagement.
I mean one such time was when Jeremiah picked up the last of his stuff that one evening and left, or me and squared having a conversation at a park where I tried to plead with him to stay and he wouldn't. Submitted for your approval the 1962 movie "The Exterminating Angel" where guest find they cannot leave a party.....
And an episode of Buffy the vampire slayer (cause that's how geeky I am) with the same idea.
Thing is that in the end we always want to stay. Ever just have one of those moments where you wish you could just stay in that time. Like a good month in your life, week, etc.
Thing is that we tend to focus on the really bad moments in life because they rarely come around. I think all life is more of a celebration of the fact it is there in the first place. It's about lowering your social restrains and enjoying all the variations life has to present.
We were at Karaoke and Kevin was singing a song of some sort ("Creep" by Radio head I believe). An old show girl with absurd make up (think John Waters) showed up and had a seat next to us. Kevin was having a blast and I was just having a good time showing him this possibility he never knew existed. He's from a small town in Virginia (city actually) where they don't have say a gay bar and all the gay men (well the ones who aren't obvious stereotypes) eventually bed women, have children, get married and then sleep with other guys.
Me, an aging showgirl and a drunken southern Irish descendant. And it was at that point that all the shit Kris was giving me and all of the work I would have monday piled up from the weekend just didn't matter And it could have been all the vices we consumed or that look of enthusiasm at singing at a gay bar (followed by a pair of cute lipstick lesbians who sung "Girls just want to have fun" adding a new level of ironic elements to the song not seen since sometime in the 90's when a similar such incident happened somewhere in the greater Milwaukee area) that I realized it was this moment in life I wanted to be caught in. The kevin hanging out part that is. We had a blast and it was then that I discovered my favorite word to find out how polluted I am from vices is "Lemur" because if I find it hilarious I am too far gone.
Thing is there are those who would say it wasn't so much the fact that me and the kevin were made from the same anarcho queer punk geeky cloth so to speak it was the fact that (for a person of my personality) being able to show someone a world they probably aren't ordinarily exposed to is something that would make someone proud maybe even happy.
We've been talking almost daily since 2002 but haven't met. I've sent him a vhs compilation tape here, a twinkie the kid doll there, etc. But when I got him at the train station how really relative time is struck me because i knew at some point I would have to see him off and at some point I would be writing this blog and that at some point someone would take this blog entry as a verifiable poof (it's not) that I wanted to have Kevin's abortion (not the case). But I found myself in the end just wanting to be like Bill Murray (not in his Zombieland role) in "Groundhog day." I wanted to smoke that first bowl, and i wanted to help buy Dolores the aging showgirl that flower before Kevin thought of it as I planned to. And I wanted to do any of a number of things right, not just this week but maybe even the whole thing. There's this need to just want to grab life and shake it and be like "Ok! I am having a really great time with things like this! Just please keep it like this for awhile, please!" Then all those relatives you've lost, and all those missed moments wouldn't be as bad if you could just keep things on freeze for a bit.
Just make a wish and make it so no one ever left the party celebration that is your life.
But in the end they have to, someone ultimately has to pick up and set the hall up for the next engagement.
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Tech support!
It seems now that living my life is just getting to the point where it's painfully easy. And I don't know if there is anything I can do or anything I can say to just make it all better.
Pornography pedlers with stars in their eyes
No one seems to understand just who I am at all and it's this disconnected feeling to, well, everyone that I can't stand.
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Bleeding
Truth be told as much as I love piercings
they hurt like fuck.
See the thing is that I was at jay's (id est jayson Ponce my tat guy)
This was on Saturday. So we engaged in vices and then I sat on a chair and he shoved a needle through my ear twice (piercing was too big). And as much as I think they are otherwise cool, piercings are a bitch.
So yesterday I was getting a little resistance from trying to slide my piercing in my ear and so i noticed there was this bump in the back which could either be flesh or just some blood (it tends to form these like little bump things) and so I asked him to have a look
and he did
and it started gushing all over again.
Damn piercings
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Saint Zero
I think I talked about this once
I remember this one time I was walking around silverlake with Kris when this one guy stopped me and Kris. He asked me if I every hung out in downtown. I said I had and he remembered me as the guy who always gave him change. Even that time I gave him a ten.
See I had a bromance
so to speak
with him.
See he was cute back then but was fading fast since it was obvious whatever drug or series of drugs he was doing was getting to him. When I last saw him he was gimped out and had a hard time walking.
2 nights ago I was riding the bus when I found this folder and book. It belonged to this guy I had previously (same circumstances) given his materials back to (well his sister actually, I went to her place).
And so I handed him his stuff (sat down outside the library waiting for him reading the new Hitchhiker;s guide to the galaxy book") I had a paper written with his name on it.
Eventually I handed him his stuff back
"Wow there should be more people like you. If I had a 20 I would give it to you"
"action is my reward"
I walked away and thought to myself
Why the hell do I do it?
I think tonight I want to talk about the life we live. See the clip in the begining seems straight forward till you look at the movie as a whole and you realize how complexily fucked up his interaction with that child is.
I am afraid of letting myself go and afraid of what can happen if I try to hurt someone. I don't want to hurt anyone, you have to understand that.
But I live in constant fear I will become a psychologically abusive asshole like my stepdad. Does it become a part of one's human nature? Does the abusee become the abuser?
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And it's not stopping.
and it's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.
And it was when I was a little kid that my mom met my stepdad. And she brought him home. See he was studying to be a priest when she got with him. And he left his order and moved in with her. I remember he had these playboys. He had all of these magazines but he marked out the tits of all the girls. And it was the first time I realized, you can make the world in your image. The playboys were there, the girls existed. Somewhere a girl was having a milkshake
4 minutes away from a sneeze,
one hour a way from a fart,
35 hours away from having a good tear,
And it was her tits that were marked out with a big fat black marker by my stepdad only because he could tell people later he was into the magazines not for the tits, but the articles. Maybe all priest did that?
It existed and my stepdad had shifted it's existence, it's a powerful thing to realize when you're like 6.
"About the confederate flag over the bed, i'm not a racist. For me it stands for southern pride which is why I have it"
I nodded and we made out, clothes off on his bed. He was so hyper masculine it was hot. He was some white guy, medium build who had just moved to Long Beach. We were drunk and he had picked me up in some truck he had fixed and painted himself (flames). He wasn't into having sex on the first night. So we lied there and I held him, we made out some, nothing too heavy. And I slept in his arms under the confederate flag.
Penelope Stamp: This was a story about a girl who could find infinite beauty in anything, any little thing, and even love the person she was trapped with. And i told myself this story until it became true. Now, did doing this help me escape a wasted life? Or did it blind me so I didn't want to escape it? I don't know, but either way I was the one telling my own story...
- Brother's bloom
my stepdad made videos to send to his family. If we didn't act happy or enthusiastic he would get pissed off at me and turn the camera off and yell at us.
We see the world as we want
This one time at the movies, we had half eaten our popcorn and were theater hopping. Usher bumped into my kid sister knocking the popcorn down, the usher kept apologizing and got her a new popcorn despite the fact we had almost finished this one. Usher kept saying how bad he felt, and we let him believe it.
We see the world as we want
He's nervously holding a soda can, and I fell myself he's into me despite the fact that I know there's no way in hell someone like him could ever be into me. And I mean, what's the point? And mid us meeting I don't want to see him anymore because it's all pointless because he doesn't like me as I like him.
See the thing is that I can feel myself getting more and more paranoid. The end is coming and I feel it. I yearn for things and people and places i can't have. A world of God's, monsters, photographers with stars in their eyes and before it's over. I want to just melt into the world and become one with it in order to be everywhere and everyone. To pollute the world and come out of the pores of everyone who would hate me and love me equally. Because in my current state, I am sick. And I am ill, and my mind is slipping. And I don't have anyone there to help me. And what then? What happens when I can't stop thinking. An idle thought comes into my head and it consumes me and I can't shake it and no one will just hold me and look into my eyes and say they understand and they're all using me everyone is because in the end I am such a worthless piece of shit that no one can legitemetly love me or care for me because I am just that fucking worthless to myself and to everyone and someone just fucking hold me and tell me I matter even if youre lying even if you leave me tommorow
just fucking tell me I matter!
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late p.m Story
Sunday comes to it's dead end again and I find myself at home just wasting away. Thing is that it's just the kind of day where I want to listen to "The Runaways" way too much and drink Jack, but I lack both and so I am bored.
Thing is that I remember all the times I used to have, when life just seemend open ended. Like the time I rode the bus all day just to hang out with this one guy, or that moment right before you lay your eyes on someone and you feel that certain spark.
Lamentations over a life that came before. And it's too early to pass out and too late to go out and hike.
Thing is that I remember all the times I used to have, when life just seemend open ended. Like the time I rode the bus all day just to hang out with this one guy, or that moment right before you lay your eyes on someone and you feel that certain spark.
Lamentations over a life that came before. And it's too early to pass out and too late to go out and hike.
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Stand up, fight back or Why I love to kill zigots
As I type this I am listening to that 12 year old fuck
yes
Fuck.
See the thing is that I spent a large part of my booting up this morning at a protest. See there's this fucking group that went to protest an abortion clinic.
They want the clinics to now allow them to have a word at the clinics. I think it's fucking stupid.
SCENARIO:
The guy you love doesn't love you. You thought he wanted a baby and you let him fuck you. You tell him you're pregnant. He tells you he doesn't want it or you because he isn't ready. So what do you do? You're a young girl, that fuck in a few years say, so that 12 year old fuck goes to her mom who in turn takes her to a clinic. So she goes to the clinic and you're feeling like shit but know that it's the best thing. So it's the darkest day of your life and you go to the clinic and immediately some heffer bitch approaches you:
JESUS LOVES YOU AND THAT BABY!
And that is why I hate christian protesters especially those at the clinics.
See from now till the day I die (soon I hope because living in a world with christian fucks is gay).
Seriously
I fucking hate it.
Look, THERE IS NO GOD, THAT MASS OF CELLS ISN'T A FUCKING BABY
it's cells. Like Germs and bacteria. You're killing germs and bacteria!
you're making a decision to kill innocent bacteria when you wash your hands.
You sick fuck.
Get the point?
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When it all starts scabbing again
So I gotz new ink.
See this is a story about Jayson, my tat guy.
Albeit a short one, but a story.
So I decided I needed to support the LGBTQ community more, Not so much because of the fact that members of it were gay and or bi, lesbian etc.
But because it's awkward going in and having to be all mysterious for a bit.
See Squared told me I am guilty of not being 100 percent flame like but I do come across on some level as being gay. I was at a tattoo parlor getting, well, a tattoo once and this one guy started making fun of another guy and he ultimately just made fun of him by making fun of his non heteroness. So it was with that in mind that I made a posting. This guy named Jay responded, this was back in, say, February. Since then I have been getting inked like a mo'fo. If any of you want to see my tats check my myspace.
ANYWAYS
it's kinda cool that I found someone I feel comfortable with who has a true passion for what he does. As I type this my 'Watchmen" tatto is scabbing over and itching like mad, it's then that I realize I am nothing more than meat.
On the plus side did I mention how cool Jay was?
See this is a story about Jayson, my tat guy.
Albeit a short one, but a story.
So I decided I needed to support the LGBTQ community more, Not so much because of the fact that members of it were gay and or bi, lesbian etc.
But because it's awkward going in and having to be all mysterious for a bit.
See Squared told me I am guilty of not being 100 percent flame like but I do come across on some level as being gay. I was at a tattoo parlor getting, well, a tattoo once and this one guy started making fun of another guy and he ultimately just made fun of him by making fun of his non heteroness. So it was with that in mind that I made a posting. This guy named Jay responded, this was back in, say, February. Since then I have been getting inked like a mo'fo. If any of you want to see my tats check my myspace.
ANYWAYS
it's kinda cool that I found someone I feel comfortable with who has a true passion for what he does. As I type this my 'Watchmen" tatto is scabbing over and itching like mad, it's then that I realize I am nothing more than meat.
On the plus side did I mention how cool Jay was?
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Hey ya kids! Get off my lawn!
Ok, I often just say I am way too old beyond my years and as such generally feel fucking bored out of everything.
hung out downstairs as Kris tried to beat Super Mario Brothers on super nintendo till I got bored of just being an observer and decided to just go be bored elsewhere.
See the thing is that if ALL They did was sit there and watch him fucking play, then it would be boring as shit. See seeing them play was basically like watching "The Wizard" in really really slow motion.
Example:
Bobby Fisher VS the old lady down the street who can't play chess
Not that kris can't play SNES but I swore i was pulling teeth for the short bit I was there. What can I say? Without the promise of say interaction or salvation from boredom I was resigning myself to being nothing more than a person watching an uneventful repetitive scene over and over and over. And well... I don't get it.
See the thing is that growing up "The cool neighborhood kid" for me was Eric. He was some kid that lived at the other side of my apartment complex (who btw my stepdad didn't want me playing with because he swore Eric was the reincarnation of a friend he had as a kid). Eric liked to do shit like climbing up the railing to his second story apartment instead of taking the stairs. Anyways
he was the guy that would sit for hours playing a video game of some sort and be idolized because he was just that cool and because he was that evolved past the normal kids in terms of his ability to play the game in question. But the part no one tells you about is what happens when Eric, the cool kid gets to his late 40's. I mean is he still interesting? Is it an issue of him just having to "Find a new cool kid thing" and if so was I every the "Cool kid" and did I simply grow past it?
Fuck
the dilema that arises in trying to examine something like that. In all honesty I feel I was never really much of anything largely because I spent my time just randomly dealing with the average day to dayness.
I mean my brother got drunk and told me that...
- He looked up to me
- he wanted to get a tattoo representing me
And that in itself was flattering largely because it meant that for what it's worth I guess I was the "cool kid" for someone.
Anyways, moral is this
If you're going to play Nintendo don't expect someone to sit there bored awaiting some turn that never arrives.
On that note i think the reality of life is begining to hit me. I am turning 28 next week and as it stands not one person (home wise) has mentioned the possibility of doing anything for my b-day (although Kelly let slip some upcoming party thing which I would be surprised beyond belief if it happens since I largely go out of my way to do stuff like that for people, not the other way around). This year has gone fast and as the end approaches I just realize how quickly it's all going to go, till that's it.
Ok, maybe I am just bummed because of this....
And because of this
Either way.
Gay.
hung out downstairs as Kris tried to beat Super Mario Brothers on super nintendo till I got bored of just being an observer and decided to just go be bored elsewhere.
See the thing is that if ALL They did was sit there and watch him fucking play, then it would be boring as shit. See seeing them play was basically like watching "The Wizard" in really really slow motion.
Example:
Bobby Fisher VS the old lady down the street who can't play chess
Not that kris can't play SNES but I swore i was pulling teeth for the short bit I was there. What can I say? Without the promise of say interaction or salvation from boredom I was resigning myself to being nothing more than a person watching an uneventful repetitive scene over and over and over. And well... I don't get it.
See the thing is that growing up "The cool neighborhood kid" for me was Eric. He was some kid that lived at the other side of my apartment complex (who btw my stepdad didn't want me playing with because he swore Eric was the reincarnation of a friend he had as a kid). Eric liked to do shit like climbing up the railing to his second story apartment instead of taking the stairs. Anyways
he was the guy that would sit for hours playing a video game of some sort and be idolized because he was just that cool and because he was that evolved past the normal kids in terms of his ability to play the game in question. But the part no one tells you about is what happens when Eric, the cool kid gets to his late 40's. I mean is he still interesting? Is it an issue of him just having to "Find a new cool kid thing" and if so was I every the "Cool kid" and did I simply grow past it?
Fuck
the dilema that arises in trying to examine something like that. In all honesty I feel I was never really much of anything largely because I spent my time just randomly dealing with the average day to dayness.
I mean my brother got drunk and told me that...
- He looked up to me
- he wanted to get a tattoo representing me
And that in itself was flattering largely because it meant that for what it's worth I guess I was the "cool kid" for someone.
Anyways, moral is this
If you're going to play Nintendo don't expect someone to sit there bored awaiting some turn that never arrives.
On that note i think the reality of life is begining to hit me. I am turning 28 next week and as it stands not one person (home wise) has mentioned the possibility of doing anything for my b-day (although Kelly let slip some upcoming party thing which I would be surprised beyond belief if it happens since I largely go out of my way to do stuff like that for people, not the other way around). This year has gone fast and as the end approaches I just realize how quickly it's all going to go, till that's it.
Ok, maybe I am just bummed because of this....
And because of this
Either way.
Gay.
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The big Vent
So I was at work 2 days ago when my mom sends me a weird text message on "how she hopes we can all be a supportive family" turns out she may have liver issues. They want to run test and think it may be serious. The finallity of things has finally hit me. Like how my body is falling apart more and more and how I am bored with life as it stands.
Kris just threw a fit and went to lie down, not before ranting at me, trying to engage me in a rant. Indifferent I let him fall on deaf ears because I know all he's capable of is just inmature 5 year old theatrics, id est the "he'll tire himself out" bit. In awhile when my eyes are heavy and I can't see the computer screen I will go get my pillow and a blanket and sleep on the futton. Not to spite him, but because in the end I always knew it would be like this. Thing is there's lot's I can rant to him about but I don't.
It seems like the whole world could die at any moment. Maybe what my mom has is it, like this is how it's supposed to end for her. I told her tonight I was scared for her, that it was serious and she jokingly said (creepy ghost like faux echoye voice) "I cooooouuullldddd diiieeeee"
I think back to everyone I know
william
kevin
kelly
All have a mother who is no more. and the possibility I might loose mines exist as well. See I can't tell Kris any of it because he's too wrapped up in himself to care. It's always dance classes and rehersal's, yet any minute it could all go away, like Brian and his one big jump.
See as my big 29 looms it's ugly head I get an idea (btw I am catching a cold or have serious sinus issues hence me feeling like I am falling apart).
That's guy in the video is Charles Asher, a trans guy. thing about being trans is that you feel like you're born in the wrong body (gender). It becomes an issue of self discovery, of essentially creating yourself.
For me it goes back to being raised one way and then realizing that wasn't who I was at all. My step dad beat me in an attempt to condition me into being this typical chauvinistic heterosexual asshole. He failed and I spent most of my life just feeling like an outsider in my own skin, not really knowing what my skin was in the first place. But I looked in the mirror and saw this insecure fuck he had created. Like Charles in the video i am now becoming just who the hell I am supposed to be. With every tattoo I am becoming the me I always envisioned myself being, go ahead and scratch your head on that. It's no coincidence that I came out of the closet and then got a tattoo right after (spider on my back, the one tattoo that still isn't finished, kinda like me).
*shakes head* man it's far too complicated, hell I don't even think I get it.
So to wrap it up:
My mom might die
I am fucking 29 in a few days
9/11 came and went again with no big sequel (huge sonic boom as the space shuttle came back, made all the gay john's at Santa Monica and Vermont metro station freak)
I may die
you most certainly will die
and Kris threw a fit said he was going to lay down, did so, kept throwing a fit and is now snoring.
On a plus note "The informer's" was a great movie. Would have loved it more if William and Kris had let me get engulfed in the movie instead of speaking all the fucking time about songs in the movie and Billy fucking Idol.
Futton dreams and Ramen noddle fantasies to all.
Kris just threw a fit and went to lie down, not before ranting at me, trying to engage me in a rant. Indifferent I let him fall on deaf ears because I know all he's capable of is just inmature 5 year old theatrics, id est the "he'll tire himself out" bit. In awhile when my eyes are heavy and I can't see the computer screen I will go get my pillow and a blanket and sleep on the futton. Not to spite him, but because in the end I always knew it would be like this. Thing is there's lot's I can rant to him about but I don't.
It seems like the whole world could die at any moment. Maybe what my mom has is it, like this is how it's supposed to end for her. I told her tonight I was scared for her, that it was serious and she jokingly said (creepy ghost like faux echoye voice) "I cooooouuullldddd diiieeeee"
I think back to everyone I know
william
kevin
kelly
All have a mother who is no more. and the possibility I might loose mines exist as well. See I can't tell Kris any of it because he's too wrapped up in himself to care. It's always dance classes and rehersal's, yet any minute it could all go away, like Brian and his one big jump.
See as my big 29 looms it's ugly head I get an idea (btw I am catching a cold or have serious sinus issues hence me feeling like I am falling apart).
That's guy in the video is Charles Asher, a trans guy. thing about being trans is that you feel like you're born in the wrong body (gender). It becomes an issue of self discovery, of essentially creating yourself.
For me it goes back to being raised one way and then realizing that wasn't who I was at all. My step dad beat me in an attempt to condition me into being this typical chauvinistic heterosexual asshole. He failed and I spent most of my life just feeling like an outsider in my own skin, not really knowing what my skin was in the first place. But I looked in the mirror and saw this insecure fuck he had created. Like Charles in the video i am now becoming just who the hell I am supposed to be. With every tattoo I am becoming the me I always envisioned myself being, go ahead and scratch your head on that. It's no coincidence that I came out of the closet and then got a tattoo right after (spider on my back, the one tattoo that still isn't finished, kinda like me).
*shakes head* man it's far too complicated, hell I don't even think I get it.
So to wrap it up:
My mom might die
I am fucking 29 in a few days
9/11 came and went again with no big sequel (huge sonic boom as the space shuttle came back, made all the gay john's at Santa Monica and Vermont metro station freak)
I may die
you most certainly will die
and Kris threw a fit said he was going to lay down, did so, kept throwing a fit and is now snoring.
On a plus note "The informer's" was a great movie. Would have loved it more if William and Kris had let me get engulfed in the movie instead of speaking all the fucking time about songs in the movie and Billy fucking Idol.
Futton dreams and Ramen noddle fantasies to all.
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That whole "Bad cop" thing sucks
I give up
I mean there's no point to any of it. Despite my best efforts I am always going to come off as this heartless asshole just because I am largely in different. Sigh.
Today the toilet down stairs clogged and 2 other people had to be told about it till it logically came to my attention. I mean, argh.
Generally when there is an issue people go to Kris first and that's only because he'll deal with it in directly and funnel all the though shit (like the clog) to me. lame.
I mean there's no point to any of it. Despite my best efforts I am always going to come off as this heartless asshole just because I am largely in different. Sigh.
Today the toilet down stairs clogged and 2 other people had to be told about it till it logically came to my attention. I mean, argh.
Generally when there is an issue people go to Kris first and that's only because he'll deal with it in directly and funnel all the though shit (like the clog) to me. lame.
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Know what the difference between roast beef and pea soup is?
You can roast beef
but you can't pee soup
- Some random homeless guy last night as me and Kris walked through downtown at 1 AM engaging in vices.
but you can't pee soup
- Some random homeless guy last night as me and Kris walked through downtown at 1 AM engaging in vices.
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Ode to the best monologue ever
So me and Kris broke up last night for the 67th time.
So I was lying on the futton while he was downstairs watching some reality show where people who are hacks pretend to sing or some shit.
And I was lying on my back wishing I had someone to talk to. I mean the vices hadn't kicked in and I was just there looking at the ceiling when I saw a screw and thought about Bob.
Bob was a guy who at the age of 12 drank his first beer with his uncle
at 14 he fucked some cougar divorcee down the street
And one day he got a job at a factory and was in charge of a metal machine that made screws, a shit load a day.
And I laid on my back and looked at a screw on my ceiling that Bob made.
And I realized something, the screw, the wood it was screwing. hell everything here was made by other people. People who had lives and experiences and did things like fell in love, drank a beer, etc.
And I went on a monolgue to no one, to myself, to the fucking universe.
What is a conversation? It doesn't exist if no one is there to hear it, right?
Or does it?
And I realized that maybe that's the reason people get involved. To have someone always be there so things exist. Like random people you see when you're together, movies you watch, etc.
you date someone so things exist.
I mean what if someone painted the worlds greatest painting and then destroyed it? they could go out and tell someone it was the best painting ever made. And what if they were right?
So I laid down on the futton watching the screw bob made and the wood mary cut and I realized then I was having the best monologue ever and it existed despite there not being anyone there to hear it.
Because somethings just are.
So I was lying on the futton while he was downstairs watching some reality show where people who are hacks pretend to sing or some shit.
And I was lying on my back wishing I had someone to talk to. I mean the vices hadn't kicked in and I was just there looking at the ceiling when I saw a screw and thought about Bob.
Bob was a guy who at the age of 12 drank his first beer with his uncle
at 14 he fucked some cougar divorcee down the street
And one day he got a job at a factory and was in charge of a metal machine that made screws, a shit load a day.
And I laid on my back and looked at a screw on my ceiling that Bob made.
And I realized something, the screw, the wood it was screwing. hell everything here was made by other people. People who had lives and experiences and did things like fell in love, drank a beer, etc.
And I went on a monolgue to no one, to myself, to the fucking universe.
What is a conversation? It doesn't exist if no one is there to hear it, right?
Or does it?
And I realized that maybe that's the reason people get involved. To have someone always be there so things exist. Like random people you see when you're together, movies you watch, etc.
you date someone so things exist.
I mean what if someone painted the worlds greatest painting and then destroyed it? they could go out and tell someone it was the best painting ever made. And what if they were right?
So I laid down on the futton watching the screw bob made and the wood mary cut and I realized then I was having the best monologue ever and it existed despite there not being anyone there to hear it.
Because somethings just are.
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Lowest of the lowe
It was about the time I started describing how mites tend to sometimes get in beards and the like that he started freaking out, well not so much freaking out. You know that look of terror that strikes someone when they JUST realized something. Like "Oh shit! I had to call my mom!" or "Oh shit! I left the stove on!" etc. that's the look he had as I went on to describe the way mites work that I came to the conclusion it wasn't going to end well.
See the thing is that I was a selfish fuck.
I hate "THe killers"
I mean, HATE the killers. But in that one song "All these things that i've done" they have a set of lyrics "And i'm so much older than I can take."
That's how I feel and that's pretty much what I assumed he felt as well.
The thing is that it's times like this that I pretty much have come to the conclusion Kris is selfish and rarely sees beyond himself. like how financially we're shit but he harbors these ideas that taking dance classes is more important than helping me with vices, but I digress.
See the thing is that I can't really "get" a lot of people Kris knows. I mean there's a few exceptions and he was one of them (coincidenally Aevin was someone I thought I could relate to if I managed to have an honest one on one but I rarely do that with anyone).
Thing is that when it was time to do the goodbye's I stood upstairs and drank my wine and screamed my head off into a pillow (literally) to the aforementioned killer's song as it played in the Richard Kelly movie "Southland tales" (literally) which I only did because I didn't give a fuck. Kris came up with a stamp card he had given me and I celebratorilly tore it up and made sure the pieces hit the ground dramatically.
Kris cried to me that night going on and on about how this was the last time he was going to hear from his best friend. A month later they were talking online again while I engaged in vices right next to him watching "The Simpsons." W9thin a month Kris would be posting some facebook quiz on "Things that remind me of my best friend"
- Fried Tofu
- Some symbol that means something but doesn't when it's on a coffee mug and had been co-opted by trendy clothes, etc.
Whithin 2 months the question as to why I had deleted him and why I didn't add him on came up and bored and unable to come up with an excuse I hurmed (*Hurm* = Rorschach "Watchmen")
And I suppose a lot of it has to do with the oh so small feeling that somehow it was mainly an issue of me just feeling taken advantage of.
Something that I feel may happen increasingly more with my current state of affairs (See aforementioned comment on finances and dance).
But largely it was an issue of me knowing he was a decent guy but knowing that somehow his freakish paranoia was a front that I saw coming from a mile away.
Thing is he was suddenly financially strapped and I knew if anything something else was going to serve as the catalyst for a triumphant departure so as to not hurt his ego all that much.
Sad state of affairs really.
What's really going to tickle my noodle later is if I am going to be used because I decided to give up that part of myself that always fought settling down with someone, or if I was going to be used because I had.
See the thing is that I was a selfish fuck.
I hate "THe killers"
I mean, HATE the killers. But in that one song "All these things that i've done" they have a set of lyrics "And i'm so much older than I can take."
That's how I feel and that's pretty much what I assumed he felt as well.
The thing is that it's times like this that I pretty much have come to the conclusion Kris is selfish and rarely sees beyond himself. like how financially we're shit but he harbors these ideas that taking dance classes is more important than helping me with vices, but I digress.
See the thing is that I can't really "get" a lot of people Kris knows. I mean there's a few exceptions and he was one of them (coincidenally Aevin was someone I thought I could relate to if I managed to have an honest one on one but I rarely do that with anyone).
Thing is that when it was time to do the goodbye's I stood upstairs and drank my wine and screamed my head off into a pillow (literally) to the aforementioned killer's song as it played in the Richard Kelly movie "Southland tales" (literally) which I only did because I didn't give a fuck. Kris came up with a stamp card he had given me and I celebratorilly tore it up and made sure the pieces hit the ground dramatically.
Kris cried to me that night going on and on about how this was the last time he was going to hear from his best friend. A month later they were talking online again while I engaged in vices right next to him watching "The Simpsons." W9thin a month Kris would be posting some facebook quiz on "Things that remind me of my best friend"
- Fried Tofu
- Some symbol that means something but doesn't when it's on a coffee mug and had been co-opted by trendy clothes, etc.
Whithin 2 months the question as to why I had deleted him and why I didn't add him on came up and bored and unable to come up with an excuse I hurmed (*Hurm* = Rorschach "Watchmen")
And I suppose a lot of it has to do with the oh so small feeling that somehow it was mainly an issue of me just feeling taken advantage of.
Something that I feel may happen increasingly more with my current state of affairs (See aforementioned comment on finances and dance).
But largely it was an issue of me knowing he was a decent guy but knowing that somehow his freakish paranoia was a front that I saw coming from a mile away.
Thing is he was suddenly financially strapped and I knew if anything something else was going to serve as the catalyst for a triumphant departure so as to not hurt his ego all that much.
Sad state of affairs really.
What's really going to tickle my noodle later is if I am going to be used because I decided to give up that part of myself that always fought settling down with someone, or if I was going to be used because I had.
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In the eye of the beholder
So we were walking down Highland from Sunset to Hollywood blvd. last night after getting a bite to eat and engaging in vices. And we had to walk behind this one douche that was wearing flip flops with no socks, had bad shaggy Sigourney Weaver 80's hair and skinny pants. And Kris went on a rant about how he wanted to make the guy bleed for being lame and boring.
So we were walking and I started seeing his point. We walked and he went on about the guy and how he looked like John Mayer. And on the corner a white punk guy with a sleeveless white shirt stood.
If I can just walk by and not try to show interest it will be cool. See it wasn't for me, and it wasn't because Kris was there, it was because the last thing I needed was for some guy to catch me looking at him.
"Hey! nice shirt!" he screamed out as we walked by.
Shit
It was directed at me and my "Dare" shirt.
See he was cute but only in the "I am a closeted gay punk that happens to be slightly gay way.....
So we were walking and I started seeing his point. We walked and he went on about the guy and how he looked like John Mayer. And on the corner a white punk guy with a sleeveless white shirt stood.
If I can just walk by and not try to show interest it will be cool. See it wasn't for me, and it wasn't because Kris was there, it was because the last thing I needed was for some guy to catch me looking at him.
"Hey! nice shirt!" he screamed out as we walked by.
Shit
It was directed at me and my "Dare" shirt.
See he was cute but only in the "I am a closeted gay punk that happens to be slightly gay way.....
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Spackle
Chris's alarm goes off in the background. He programs his phone to go off and it goes off and he never wakes up. By now i've been awake from about 2-3 hours engaging in vices and surfing the net at the same time (look ma! No hands!). This is because the neighbor's kids are usually up by then screaming their heads off for no apparent reason, like Muppet's on speed.
I have been thinking of the ever changing existence I live. How people are largely interchangeable and fleeting but I exist. It's the kind of talk only vices can bring out, really. And Friday as we drove to see "District 9" with mom I had a speech on how uniquely interesting it is to get older. This is because you get to see the existence of a species in the kids that are born. If you have sisters or brothers you can't appreciate it. It has to be when you're in your late 20's and a friend or cousin, sibling what have you have a kid. And you're old enough to see them be born.
How when they were a baby they gripped your hand and it felt so tight
to them crawling
walking
talking
Eventually developing ideas on what art (movies, tv, etc.) is good or bad
politics
goverment
religion
And one day you'll be able to have a talking with this baby you've seen evolve from day one about Reaganomics.
It's weird how that works.
I have been thinking of the ever changing existence I live. How people are largely interchangeable and fleeting but I exist. It's the kind of talk only vices can bring out, really. And Friday as we drove to see "District 9" with mom I had a speech on how uniquely interesting it is to get older. This is because you get to see the existence of a species in the kids that are born. If you have sisters or brothers you can't appreciate it. It has to be when you're in your late 20's and a friend or cousin, sibling what have you have a kid. And you're old enough to see them be born.
How when they were a baby they gripped your hand and it felt so tight
to them crawling
walking
talking
Eventually developing ideas on what art (movies, tv, etc.) is good or bad
politics
goverment
religion
And one day you'll be able to have a talking with this baby you've seen evolve from day one about Reaganomics.
It's weird how that works.
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The fallen
Director's cut of watchmen
I am sitting there with Kris watching it when suddenly I want to cry louder than I ever have before.
It's the path of the fallen.
I mean the thing is that you find yourself at this point of grace and suddenly time
Time kills it all. It makes you jaded, and it makes you hard. You're like a soldier in some world war 2 movie wanting to find a way home. You find yourself continuing a death march that in the end will kill you. And you're tired and lonely but you keep going.
And it was that which made me cry
I am sitting there with Kris watching it when suddenly I want to cry louder than I ever have before.
It's the path of the fallen.
I mean the thing is that you find yourself at this point of grace and suddenly time
Time kills it all. It makes you jaded, and it makes you hard. You're like a soldier in some world war 2 movie wanting to find a way home. You find yourself continuing a death march that in the end will kill you. And you're tired and lonely but you keep going.
And it was that which made me cry
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If anyone understands this, please get back to me
So someone on craigslist made a posting about how me and his partner were making some sort of christian bible study thing. And he stated he was "looking for other people who wanted answers" so I make a posting...
Ok I get the meme's thing (in case some of you don't know.....http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme)
But as an atheist I really hate the need for others who are religious to try and convert those that are not. If you're old enough to turn on a computer and read then you're old enough to have established ideas on morality and the like on your own (id est you already made up your mind). You don't have the answers and that's because there are none. This isn't a game show, it's life
and in life we stumble around and worshiping / turning to imaginary friends in the sky isn't going to provide any answers.
The answer is 42 btw.
And I got back this reply....
Ok, now here is where i totally fuck your mind by saying from the outset that, "your problem is......" that you stumble around worshiping/turning to imaginary friends in the sky which never, ever will provide any real answers. But what you failed to understand in your very short 28 years [read billions of lifetimes re-incarnating] is that you and you alone ARE IT...now, that decidedly means not your false, fucked up mind, but your Spirit which for billions of years has been saddled with this false mind from stone state to the highest human state, through endless lust-greed driven reincarnations and if you were ever lucky, onto the higher false spiritual planes. But don't count on that last part for even a minute. Don't count on it in any way, shape or manor, because I read your past, present and future as being decidedly asleep, meaning Asleep; by the way that means a dreamer -- STILL FALSE!! Your mind-consciousness, travelling for eons on various versions of this fucvked up mind as male, female, rich, poor, gay, straight, comotose, victim, murderer-murdered --- all in the panoply of Divine Consciousness have been thoughtout, Veiled, REAL consciousness seeking to try out all the false answers to the original question of WHO THE FUCK AM I? which brought forth the entire creation to begin with.....All questions of possibilities before finally after Millions of years realizing that You are not this or that, but Infinite Bliss, Knowledge and Power.....that YOU alone exist....Can your false monkey mind bring you there, HAHAHAHAHA NEVEREVER!! so give it up and realize that God has you pinned to the ground with his double Sword at your throat, one blade severing your false mind and the other [which is actually the same blade] severing your balls.... and you either LOVE -- not lust-- or perish.....When your false mind has been ANNIHILATED, Meaning ANNIHILATED --the state beyond the Vacuum State that Buddha spoke about, the state that HE did not even dare to speak about Fana-Fila -- total God-Consciousness will dawn, forever and never to change; for this is your Divine Origin and Heritage.....How could an asshole [read false mind] like you possibly even begin to grasp what another asshole mind like me is trying to say to you in this moment. I frankly don't have much confidence in you, based on your original post, and how cavalierly you project your game: that you probably have at least two dozen more lifetimes before you'll have the honesty [that means humility] to recognize what I've just said..... eddie in Calabasas, and not long for your false world.....
I skimmed it because it seems too long and lame (didn't blow my mind, really).
Ok I get the meme's thing (in case some of you don't know.....http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme)
But as an atheist I really hate the need for others who are religious to try and convert those that are not. If you're old enough to turn on a computer and read then you're old enough to have established ideas on morality and the like on your own (id est you already made up your mind). You don't have the answers and that's because there are none. This isn't a game show, it's life
and in life we stumble around and worshiping / turning to imaginary friends in the sky isn't going to provide any answers.
The answer is 42 btw.
And I got back this reply....
Ok, now here is where i totally fuck your mind by saying from the outset that, "your problem is......" that you stumble around worshiping/turning to imaginary friends in the sky which never, ever will provide any real answers. But what you failed to understand in your very short 28 years [read billions of lifetimes re-incarnating] is that you and you alone ARE IT...now, that decidedly means not your false, fucked up mind, but your Spirit which for billions of years has been saddled with this false mind from stone state to the highest human state, through endless lust-greed driven reincarnations and if you were ever lucky, onto the higher false spiritual planes. But don't count on that last part for even a minute. Don't count on it in any way, shape or manor, because I read your past, present and future as being decidedly asleep, meaning Asleep; by the way that means a dreamer -- STILL FALSE!! Your mind-consciousness, travelling for eons on various versions of this fucvked up mind as male, female, rich, poor, gay, straight, comotose, victim, murderer-murdered --- all in the panoply of Divine Consciousness have been thoughtout, Veiled, REAL consciousness seeking to try out all the false answers to the original question of WHO THE FUCK AM I? which brought forth the entire creation to begin with.....All questions of possibilities before finally after Millions of years realizing that You are not this or that, but Infinite Bliss, Knowledge and Power.....that YOU alone exist....Can your false monkey mind bring you there, HAHAHAHAHA NEVEREVER!! so give it up and realize that God has you pinned to the ground with his double Sword at your throat, one blade severing your false mind and the other [which is actually the same blade] severing your balls.... and you either LOVE -- not lust-- or perish.....When your false mind has been ANNIHILATED, Meaning ANNIHILATED --the state beyond the Vacuum State that Buddha spoke about, the state that HE did not even dare to speak about Fana-Fila -- total God-Consciousness will dawn, forever and never to change; for this is your Divine Origin and Heritage.....How could an asshole [read false mind] like you possibly even begin to grasp what another asshole mind like me is trying to say to you in this moment. I frankly don't have much confidence in you, based on your original post, and how cavalierly you project your game: that you probably have at least two dozen more lifetimes before you'll have the honesty [that means humility] to recognize what I've just said..... eddie in Calabasas, and not long for your false world.....
I skimmed it because it seems too long and lame (didn't blow my mind, really).
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Adventures in Modern Dancing
Video of what it feels like in my head right now:
I was standing in a store. See earlier that day I got this weird idea in my head. I had to go see Kris dance (which can either be good or not because there's one thin in specific I hate about going there). So I was standing in a flower shop and a nervous tweeking Russian guy who was kind of cute in that way that people being very nervous fits into your whole "I am way superior to you right now and therefore I dominate you because I am not tweeking" way. So I asked him if they had Sun flowers. He proceeded to tell me they had it in two different colors (Red and yellow).
Yellow
With 4 different flowers secured I got on the bus holding 2 bundles of paper wrapped (he told me paper looked better twice, as if reassuring himself) flowers (one for Kris and one for his dance partner Sara) and I went out of my way to show the flowers (Yes I was holding flowers, why should I be all non obvious about it?). So I get to LACC and sit in the back row. Immediatly I see the teens sitting in front of me looking at me like I had cake (they all want cake). So I was sitting there and this Huge (364?) pound flaming African american kid (let's call him "Big" after that show "Rob and Big" which if I am not mistaken is short for "Big Black" so let's call him that) looked at me and he was obviously talking about me to his friends.
THis girl that was with them "Small black" is talking to her friends about cute people in Kris's dance class "He's cute. He's white, always has a bandana, wears eye liner" So they had a conversation about whether Kris was hot or not and I tried not to laugh.
So I am sitting there (holding flowers) and Big Black was then like "Hey how many tattoo's you got?" in a very exaggerated "I am squinting my eyes and looking up for inspiration (not down for deperation way) I said 13. So I am sitting there and this gay hispanic kid (same party) was like "Those flowers for your girlfriend?"
"Switch the gender" I said.
"Your boyfriend? Which is he?"
"The white guy, with the bandana, who sometimes wears eye liner" Little black gets all shy and nervous blush like, hmmmm....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080317102740AA1vW7I
ok, apparently it's possible.
So I sat there making very small talk with the Hispanic kid and then had to listen to them check out guys coming into the room "Yellow" that was their code name for guys they found cute. Odd.
So that thing that always annoys me did (person)
and as I sat next to cub reporters for the school paper I found myself wondering a few things:
1. Why the fuck weren't the fans on?
2. Why was the thing that annoys me annoying me?
3. Ok, diet coke died. Now what?
4. Why does Kris have this outlet and I don't?
I really don't think there is a name for what I have / do. Just sort of is. I master of the cinema and the like. I mean
what? Do I take film classes or something?
Argh
I was standing in a store. See earlier that day I got this weird idea in my head. I had to go see Kris dance (which can either be good or not because there's one thin in specific I hate about going there). So I was standing in a flower shop and a nervous tweeking Russian guy who was kind of cute in that way that people being very nervous fits into your whole "I am way superior to you right now and therefore I dominate you because I am not tweeking" way. So I asked him if they had Sun flowers. He proceeded to tell me they had it in two different colors (Red and yellow).
Yellow
With 4 different flowers secured I got on the bus holding 2 bundles of paper wrapped (he told me paper looked better twice, as if reassuring himself) flowers (one for Kris and one for his dance partner Sara) and I went out of my way to show the flowers (Yes I was holding flowers, why should I be all non obvious about it?). So I get to LACC and sit in the back row. Immediatly I see the teens sitting in front of me looking at me like I had cake (they all want cake). So I was sitting there and this Huge (364?) pound flaming African american kid (let's call him "Big" after that show "Rob and Big" which if I am not mistaken is short for "Big Black" so let's call him that) looked at me and he was obviously talking about me to his friends.
THis girl that was with them "Small black" is talking to her friends about cute people in Kris's dance class "He's cute. He's white, always has a bandana, wears eye liner" So they had a conversation about whether Kris was hot or not and I tried not to laugh.
So I am sitting there (holding flowers) and Big Black was then like "Hey how many tattoo's you got?" in a very exaggerated "I am squinting my eyes and looking up for inspiration (not down for deperation way) I said 13. So I am sitting there and this gay hispanic kid (same party) was like "Those flowers for your girlfriend?"
"Switch the gender" I said.
"Your boyfriend? Which is he?"
"The white guy, with the bandana, who sometimes wears eye liner" Little black gets all shy and nervous blush like, hmmmm....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080317102740AA1vW7I
ok, apparently it's possible.
So I sat there making very small talk with the Hispanic kid and then had to listen to them check out guys coming into the room "Yellow" that was their code name for guys they found cute. Odd.
So that thing that always annoys me did (person)
and as I sat next to cub reporters for the school paper I found myself wondering a few things:
1. Why the fuck weren't the fans on?
2. Why was the thing that annoys me annoying me?
3. Ok, diet coke died. Now what?
4. Why does Kris have this outlet and I don't?
I really don't think there is a name for what I have / do. Just sort of is. I master of the cinema and the like. I mean
what? Do I take film classes or something?
Argh
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stupid people
so I was on the redline going to the goldline going to Pasadena where I hoped to get Indian food with Squared today.
I was on the train reading my Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy compilation book (it's leather bound with gold edging and has a tassel thing and has gold writing on it). This guy sees the book and he kept looking at me all fucking weird. So he finally approaches me.
"Excuse me, what is that?"
"The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy series in one compilation."
"What?"
"The (finger 1) Hitchhikers(Finger 2) guide (3) to(4) the (5)galaxy (6)series in (7)one(8) compilation(9)."
"What is that? like the devil bible?"
"Or a sci-fi book written in the 70's in England"
I was on the train reading my Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy compilation book (it's leather bound with gold edging and has a tassel thing and has gold writing on it). This guy sees the book and he kept looking at me all fucking weird. So he finally approaches me.
"Excuse me, what is that?"
"The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy series in one compilation."
"What?"
"The (finger 1) Hitchhikers(Finger 2) guide (3) to(4) the (5)galaxy (6)series in (7)one(8) compilation(9)."
"What is that? like the devil bible?"
"Or a sci-fi book written in the 70's in England"
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Raoul Duke: With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from t...
...hings he\'ll never know.
Friday eveningI hadn't gotten paid, which sucked and I was bitterly riding the train with my co-worker. THis man kept looking at me, I mean LOOKING AT ME like a fat child at the "Hometown buffet" looks at a leg of lamb on the floor as a primal part of his brain immediatly tells him to lunge at it before some bastard comes and takes it from him.
He was looking at me
"I hope you never get drafted and go to war like I did" the smarky cocksucker in a "Superman" logo shirt (THe brian singer one). I looked at him and imediatly figured what the issue was. He had seen my "War is over if you want it to be" button that coupled with me wearing a cammo jacket had sparked him.
"?"
"I hope you don't go to war!"
"I'm a pacifist"
"Tell that to an Al-Queda terrorist as he has a knife to your fucking throath!"
"In Los Angeles?"
"You tell that to him"
"In Los Angeles?"
"No in Afghanistan!"
"I don't think i'll go there. Not so much a tourist destination"
So his stop shows up. He keeps screaming "YOU TAKE CARE" etc. at me
trying to be smarky and failing.
He got off the bus and kept screaming. My co-worker screamed out "Oh my God go home!" He kept screaming as the train pulled away.
I turned to my co-worker and said "I think I should have told him I was too old to be drafted. Late 20's and all"
The people at the back of train erupted in laughter.
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guestbook
Sun.12.20.09 9:25pm
Re: public
Well, it's probably not your fault...and a lot of good stuff happens in the world too, it's just not as reported.
Wed.09.23.09 2:26am
Re: public
Ha ha, yeah, I'm the epitome of cool and interesting.
By the way, The Wizard saved my life.
Sat.09.19.09 11:14am
Re: public
Yeah everyone loves the buffy story :) if it wasn't so funny I'd be highly embarrassed:P
Mon.09.14.09 9:20pm
Re: public
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i fucking love the power glove. and fred savage in general
Mon.09.14.09 8:47pm
Re: public
Thanks! I definitely count him up there with prince charming from sleeping beauty.
Mon.09.07.09 9:51pm
Re: public
Actually mine is a nickname given to me by an Ex. I've since cleaned it up and made it respectable.
Thu.07.30.09 9:52pm
Re: public
Yeah, I was bored enough to read the whole thing and he definitely said that. Freakin' nuts...
Tue.07.28.09 1:18am
Re: public
That guy is crazy. God has a sword held to your throat and your balls? There's no way he actually believes anything he's saying.
Sat.05.23.09 8:24pm
Re: public
oh darling, imagine how i felt. I thought you should know I just enjoyed two barely cooked hotdogs to spite them ROFL!
Tue.01.20.09 8:19pm
Re: Because if I don't tell anyone I am going to explode
And oh yeah. I'm proud of you for having the guts to bring all that to the surface and let the world look inside and see you. Thats never easy. Keep trying. that kinda fortitude deserves someone worthy of the heart that drives it.
Tue.01.20.09 8:17pm
Re: Because if I don't tell anyone I am going to explode
And now, in CA, at least, even your right to that paper is gone. Thanks to the massive push for Obama in the White House, gay rights were not just forgotten, they were considered collateral damage.
I'm straight and it pisses me off. I know most of gay America is liberal, and hey good for you guys, free country and all that. Many of this culture backed the man now in office, thinking his political party would support your rights. They knew EXACTLY what the massive influx of first-time black voters would do. Face it, as far as sexuality goes, as a majority, black society is pretty conservative, praise jesus and all that. The gay black men I know are all on the "down low" out here. So yeah they voted to see a black man in office, but they weren't so keen on same sex marraige were they? Something to think about.
I might have totally missed the point of your blog, but it got me thinking... Sorry you're feeling alone and cast aside. I know what a rotten feeling that is.
Tue.01.20.09 8:13pm
Re: Because if I don't tell anyone I am going to explode
ok i know how you feel but look at it this way... if you signed that paper and then he told you you didnt mean anything to him it would hurt so much more then it does now... trust me
-hug-
Fri.08.22.08 7:17pm
Re: public
i don't believe in marriage for myself.. but it really pisses me off that gay people can't get married. i'm straight but most of my friends are gay. awesome post.
Sun.06.15.08 8:22pm
Re: public
Forgotten so easily? I'm almost insulted. Then again, I would be flattering myself if I said I thought that I changed you as much as you changed me.
Walk backwards, your thoughts will catch on a jagged memory.
Mon.05.26.08 10:45am
Re: public
You shouldn't block friends out of your life and then blame them. Okay, blame their partners, but don't get all uppity towards them. It makes you look mad retarded. Especially to those who know the deal.
Fri.05.16.08 4:27pm
Re: public
Yes, I agree. The whole episode was a bit scary. And now that it's done and over with and she's not dying, she's doing all she can to milk her condition for sympathy. She's "far too weak" to do anything like get a glass of water or put something away. But as soon as nobody's paying attention, she's walking out in the yard and gardening. She could at least not be so obvious about it.
Mon.05.12.08 7:18pm
Re: public
i'm doing okay.
i was wondering about your sn.
is it from hackers, or just the saying in general?
Fri.05.09.08 11:59am
Re: public
niiiiiiiiiice. i thought that's what it would be. my sister mentioned that she wanted to get that tattoo and i told her no. haha i like it though. she just goes through ideas like that like crazy.
I think this is something I've always wanted to hear...but never knew. So thank you.