Parents [[The Engagement]]

Submitted by crypticwhore on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 12:44

So, in the midst of all of this planning that I thought was going so smoothly, my stepmother and father have thrown a huge wrench in it.

Originally it started with me talking to them. My mother was pretty happy, it seemed, or at least seemed willing to try to help me out. My stepmother seemed happyish, and then when I told my dad he said "well, that was nice of him." I felt like that was kind of an inappropriate response, you know, like Jerry had helped me to change my tire, or something. But I didn't let that get me down. Someone loved me enough to ask me to marry them, and that's a big fucking deal to me.

Later, my father asked me why it was that I wanted to get married. I responded with this: "In terms of getting married, I want to do it because I love him. There literally is no other reason. It is not to ensure future relationships, or taxes, or anything like that. I just want to be with him, and to have a day where all of our friends and family can be with us and celebrate it. He is so understanding, and I really feel that I have a partner in him, and have since day one. I could see how it might be weird to imagine me getting married, I just hope you understand that I wouldn't have said yes until I thought it over. Both Jerry and I have some pretty set views on marriage, given our childhood, so I think that anything you've thought about we've thought about as well at some point."

He never responded. So, later, I sent an email to my stepmother basically saying how disappointing it was that he couldn't even respond to that, and how I felt it was disrespectful to ask why I was doing something, have me give a thoughtful, detailed response (which I shouldn't even have to do) and then have him not respond. Why ask if you don't care, right? I also wrote about how all I'd ever wanted to do was please my father and have him love me, and that there were sometimes (now included) that I didn't feel that way.

She got upset, and sent an email back to me saying how much she loved me, and how sorry she was I felt that way. Which made me feel a little bit better. I thought she'd talked to Daddy and thought that maybe he would start to come around. Then he send me an email talking about how stupid and irresponsible I was for doing this, and how men and their daughter's husbands were supposed to be good friends and blablabla, and wasn't I so young, and blablabla.

I guess it frustrates me because how can he expect anything to be normal when I've seen him about once a year for the past 10 years of my life? It angers me so much that he can't just bite the bullet and think about what would make me happy instead of being so fucking stubborn and old fashioned.

The only reason that Jerry and I set the date for August 4th of 2013 is because I am going to be going to do my PhD somewhere away from Boston and the Northeast. It will be difficult to plan a wedding in the Northeast if I am 1. working towards my PhD, and 2. living across the country. In December I will be done with my Master's, and will have the time between then and August to plan the wedding and get everything situated for Jerry and my move. That's why we picked that date. Not to have a shotgun wedding (not that getting married a fucking year and a half away from the date of proposal is AT ALL rushed, mind you).

So, now that I'm feeling totally overwhelmed about the whole thing, I'm wondering if Jerry and I should just elope. But FUCK IT I want a normal wedding so bad. I want to wear a white dress and be pretty and have everyone be happy with me on JUST ONE GODDAMNED DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Why WHY should I have to give that up because my dad is angry? EVERYONE should get a chance to have a wedding of their choosing. Out of all of the other shit in my life that has gone wrong, why the fuck couldn't this just be simple? My mother, strangely, wasn't fucking it up for once, so why did he have to.

God. damnit. I just wanted a fucking wedding.

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plurcandykidd's picture
plurcandykidd Wed, 05/02/2012 - 19:07

You seem like you're doing this for the right reasons, dear. You're still doing your school and you're doing a DAMN good job, you seem to be taking the time by setting the date far away. You guys shouldn't elope, because why cheapen things? Might as well just stay moved in together then. Lol . .
Besides, I bet you'd look awesome in whatever dress you choose :p

crypticwhore's picture
crypticwhore Wed, 05/02/2012 - 16:27

Yeah. He wants Jerry and I to go down to his house once he and my stepmother get back to the Bahamas. I guess just as a chance for all of us to talk it out and our opinions to be heard. I understand why people are kind of against marriage, it's not like I have any ingrained like "MUST BE MARRIED NAO" thing going on. In fact, I could wait forever and have it not be a big deal. I am not attached to the idea of being married any time soon, I just want to do it sooner because it would be easier.

I dunno. I feel like people (especially my father who is almost non present in my life) should just suck it up and deal with it. I'm an adult and I am financially responsible for myself. They can suck it.

plurcandykidd's picture
plurcandykidd Wed, 05/02/2012 - 05:53

What maggie said.
Sometimes people don't have faith in things like marriage so they want to discourage you from it.
I tend to just keep my mouth shut on my feelings about marriage since my own went sour, i don't want to shit on your happiness, because not everyone's marriage ends.
Your pops probably didn't respond right away because of the whole, 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.'
Maybe it's just better if you guys didn't talk about it and just let him wait and see how happy you are once everything is said and done.
Just my opinion, really.

candy's picture
candy Mon, 04/30/2012 - 07:20

Your dad is just struggling between what you want and what he wants for you. I think all dads feel an instinct to protect their daughters, and since he is older, he's been there, done that (married, at least twice, I am assuming?) He thinks he knows better.

Maybe he does? Who knows - the point is - its your life. I've always seen you as the type of person who will do something regardless of what others think, maybe sometimes even in spite of. But you don't wanna spite your dad. The fact that he isn't on the same understanding level as you is disappointing, but its worth struggling over to get a better comprehension.

Both of you need to talk about it, probably not over email but on the phone, and just be honest with each other. Even if you don't end up agreeing, in the end the conversation should end with: even if you don't reach the same conclusion, love and respect each other.

He is just trying to protect you from potential future hurt and struggle. My dad would probably give me the same talk. Marriage doesn't guarantee you anything, that's probably what my Dad would say. But if you're SURE, then just get him on the horn and let him hear, in your voice and in your emotion, how you feel and that his approval is big deal to you

crypticwhore's picture
crypticwhore Sun, 04/29/2012 - 14:58

:] thanks lady.

crypticwhore's picture
crypticwhore Sun, 04/29/2012 - 14:57

Actually, they were never married. Ha. In terms of him being afraid I'm growing up to fast: yes, that is probably part of it. I could see how that would be frightening, especially as I am his only daughter. What frustrates me, though, is that I know a lot of his fear is coming from him having been married a few times, and his first marriage having been at 19. I think he thinks that I am rushing into things, just like he was rushing into things then. Although I feel like that is a valid fear, I feel that it isn't one that he is entitled to sharing because of the fact that he hasn't been around at all since I was about 15. Who is he to say what I'm rushing into or what judgement calls I can and can't make.

I guess that's all I'm saying.

And if I elope, I will invite some friends probably and you will assuredly be one of them.

buzzkill's picture
buzzkill Sat, 04/28/2012 - 07:34

if you elope, and I'm not saying you should or not, but if I am not there, I would respectfully ask that there be an elvis impersonator there, naked, with a guitar strategically placed, or fully suited up and being awesome...it matters not.

As for him fucking it up where your mom did not...they were married once. Personality traits and such can clash, and this might be where the opinions differ. Perhaps he just doesn't want to think of his little girl growing up -quite- this fast?

dorktothemax's picture
dorktothemax Fri, 04/27/2012 - 15:03

I think you can still have a wedding. YOU are the one getting married, NOT your dad. If he can't be happy for you? Honestly? Screw him! I've had to do the same thing with my dad, although he hasn't shown any dislike in me getting married. It's your life, I think you should do what you want to do and not worry about what anyone else thinks. You have PLENTY of people who love and support you. And no matter how far we are away, I'm one of them =).