emolosesgirl

我不能爱

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Mon.03.15.10 12:57pm

(rico says that the title sentence doesn't make sense on its own.... but i like it on its own.)

i'm trying to convince her that we can be together, still...

even though i've cheated on her
and lied about it.

obviously... it's not working.

the harder i try the worse i seem.

everything reminds her of my infidelity..

and i don't know what to do to make things right....

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sigh..

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Fri.03.12.10 9:03am

the ides of march is a no go

mei-mei's birthday is on the 20th... she'll be two!

i can't do that to her...

what kind of didi would i be if i ruined her birthday? eric gets all of the attention most days

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...

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Thu.03.11.10 2:13pm

she found everything.

i never wanted to die in march

march kind of sucks.
i was going to do it tonight, but i figured... it's march. why not wait til the ides of march? at least that's sort of cool.

i hate to do this to my cooworkers, but there seems to be no better place to do it but here. 10 floors... I should die.

i could drink some windex or something. let a total stranger find me... which sounds better, now that i think about it.

there are a few things that i wanted to do before i died... i wanted to eat marble slabs icecream, jon said it was good. i want to go to a club or pub again. i want to write a note for everyone important. there is so much that i want to do... i want rico to believe that i love her.

i don't want people to think that i'm selfish.

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here's an update

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Wed.03.10.10 6:53pm

not in chronological order...

eric looking cute in his pink pjs

and his pink vest, although i think this was bought for his sister... he likes it and says that it's his.

mei-mei rocking her own pink sweater

the polaroid that rico took of me.. she made me put on the stupid hat and she put the robastronaut on my head... and that's what came out

rico's first awesome hicky. so awesome that i asked her to take a picture of it... hopefully she does this well from now on

the only natural looking picture that i could get from her...

AND OF COURSE
THE BEST PICTURE OF THE BUNCH

unfortunately, as i mentioned before, i unfocused the picture at the last moment, by accident.
but when i get my retry the picture will be perfect.

she demanded that i not show her face, so i ruffled her hair a bit, so that it covered her face, but her amazing red lips really stood out, it was a great contrast against her black hair, and it would have been an awesome picture... if i had just focused correctly, and maybe gone a bit closer

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i start telling the truth and she stops believing me...

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Mon.03.08.10 7:52pm

i told monica to leave me alone because i wasn't going to cheat on my girlfriend again.

instead she told me that she thought this girl at the gym was cute, and asked me if i thought that she was cute.

she was okay.

monica texts me a few minutes after i leave the gym saying "i told her that a client of mine thought she was cute. she responded by saying 'she knows that i'm a girl, right?'"

the girl is a bit on the tom-boy side. short hair. she looks a bit like a boy version of my friend ginny. but ginny's cute and she looks like a girl

of course when i'm trying to delete this message so that rico won't suspect anything, rico comes up behind me and tries to steal my phone

we fight for it and she says "if you don't let me see it i'll be mad"
normally i would give it to her, because i wouldn't want her to get mad. but i knew that the text looked like i consented by telling monica that she was cute.

so i figured... i'd prefer to explain the situation to her before she read the text message

so i explained the situation... and she didn't believe me. she said that she believed me, but she didn't.

so i deleted the text message
which i realize now makes me look even more guilty...

great

monica was just trying to pick on me, i guess. she wouldn't have known that rico would see and have doubts about me........ which is unfortunately exactly what happened.

things were going so well.....

fuck.

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sx-70

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Thu.03.04.10 6:10pm

me and rico got a polaroid camera. an sx-70. it's pretty awesome. I took a picture of her without her shirt on. it would have been perfect if my finger didn't slip and take the picture while i was still focusing. her lips were perfect in the picture that I was about to take. instead her entire body came out fuzzy, and you can't even see her lips.. the picture itself isn't too bad, it's just not what i wanted... fuck my trigger happy finger... ruining a perfect picture

plus, for the price i paid for the film, it's like 3 dollars per picture

i was playing around with the focus on the camera, and rico was fixing the bright/dark filter, and my finger pressed the shutter button. it was an accident, again. it actually would have been a good picture if she didn't move. because she moved it looks like she has two sets of pupils.. it looks pretty weird.

hopefully we'll take good pictures with our second set of film. i'm going to try to recreate the topless picture... maybe i can convince her to get naked... who knows.

we're gonna start taking pictures again tomorrow, the light she be perfect.... i'm really excited.

i'll post the pictures later, when i get a stick to plug my M2 memory card into my laptop

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.

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Sun.01.24.10 8:50pm

why am i so fucking jealous?

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i hate having to make titles

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Sun.01.24.10 12:49am

all this time i thought that i had a girlfriend....

turns out that i just have a "friend with benefits"

i'm such a fucking idiot...

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unhealthy self loathing

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Tue.01.19.10 4:18am

there is "healthy" self loathing. one instance i can think of is: you realize that you're disgustingly fat. and then you decide to lose weight (which is what i did). i just picked up this McDonald's receipt from the floor of my building. i unfolded it to live vicariously through this person - seeing as i can't have a burger for the next few months (at LEAST.. oh double big mac... i miss you so much). so i open the receipt, my mouth watering - and what do i see? medium coffee - $1.49...... who the hell goes to McDonald's for the coffee?!

and onto the real problem.

the worst part about my problems with rico is that....

i really believe
that they would never exist
if i hadn't cheated on her

if i had just been patient... she would have told me "i really really really like you."
because she did tell me that.... a month or so after i had started my relationship with another girl...

she didn't just say "i like you." she didn't just say "i really like you." she said "i really really really like you." which is more than i could have asked... more than i deserved... if i had just waited.......... things would have been so much better now

that was the only time that i truly hated myself....... she finally said that she liked me, and i ruined it by being with someone else.
how could i not hate myself?

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i don't know why this still bothers me...

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Sun.01.17.10 4:23am

but i figured i should write about it and just.... let it out

after this day i swear to never think about the angry bus driver again

One day I was on the bus with Rico. An old lady got on the bus holding a transfer. Suspecting that this old lady has bought something from the Tim Hortons, the bus driver refuses to let her on (because if you get off the bus to purchase something you cannot get back on the bus). He actually takes her transfer, crumples it, and throws it in his garbage. The old lady is like wtf... and what's worse - she doesn't understand English. So basically what we have here is: bus driver yelling at old lady, old lady not understanding, but pleading in chinese for the bus driver to let her on, because she's been traveling for 2 hours and just needed to use the bathroom (so she got off the bus that she was previously on).

The bus driver, still screaming "get the hell off my bus! The bus isn't going anywhere until you either pay or get the fuck off!" picks her crumpled up transfer and gives it to her, telling her to try another bus. He crumpled her transfer, making it look old and dirty - it's doubtful that another bus driver would let her on their bus. Rico tries explaining the situation to the old lady. I start explaining the situation to the bus driver. "Sir, you know full well that she does not understand English. You cannot YELL at her. Whether she speaks English or not does not give you the right to yell. I understand that this is a frustrating situation for you, but you're handling this all wrong."

His response? "Oh, she DOES understand English. Don't let her fool you.
I said "Sir, I'm sure that the only word she understands of what you're saying is 'transfer,' could you please stop yelling at her?" He did not.

Unfortunately nobody had bus fare or tokens to give the old lady (me and Rico just emptied our stash of tokens at her house). After about 15 minutes the old lady gave up and got off the bus. The bus driver took off. After about 5 minutes it was our stop, and while I was getting off I explained to him that he can't just assume that people speak English just because its convenient for him (I guess it helps him sleep at night when he remembers that he was swearing and yelling at old ladies). I also called him a bigoted asshole. He said a few very not nice things to me as well.

While walking home I turned to Rico and said "hey, remember the other day... With that woman and her kids that got on the bus? And the bus driver had an issue with her?" She did remember. And yes, it was the same bus driver.

A lady got in with two kids, flashed their transfers, and boarded the bus. The bus driver said "Ma'am. Miss! WOMAN WITH THE MAN'S JACKET!!!" (she was wearing a large jacket, but he didn't have to call it a man's jacket) "Ma'am, I KNOW that you understand English, so don't try to ignore me." About 5 other Chinese people that got on at the same time as her are wondering if he's yelling at them, or someone else (I guess none of them spoke English quite well). And my girlfriend told the woman that he was calling her, and so the lady went up, and he said he wanted to see their transfers, and she showed them again. And then he said "And next time don't ignore me or I'll kick you off my bus."

I really don't know why he just assumes that people speak English. I also don't know why he is such an angry man.

But I really want to kick him straight in the balls one day.

Now, whenever he is driving the bus, he won't stop for me. Luckily I don't see him very often.

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that's okay because i got no self esteem....

Submitted by emolosesgirl on Sat.01.16.10 5:41am

i hate how she assumes that everything is so easy for me..

yesterday i invited her to see how hard my personal trainer pushes me - because i'm proud of the progress that i've made

she said "it didn't look that hard."

and the other day she was asking me about my handcuffing test, and i said "oh, the passing grade is 90%" and she laughed and she said "it must be easy then! multiple choice."

and i was pissed because even before i took the course i've been explaining to her how hard the test is. there's not even one element of multiple choice. i have to write out 7 long sections from the criminal code for one section, and then apply theory (in writing) in the next section.
that's a lot of writing.

but oh no, since i'm so lazy and dumb my girlfriend just assumes that because the passing grade is so high that the test is easy
no.
it's not.
it's actually extremely hard
because the company is giving this training for free, and they need to know that we know our shit so that they don't get sued when we wrongfully arrest someone - or apply excessive force.

i just wish that she respected me.......

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Online	Mar.15.10

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