Shit’s bad
Shit’s fucked
And every now and then we all mess up
Now its been too long
Too many times ive gone wrong
And this is the price I never thought I’d choose to pay
-why-
Because I’m a sick sad fuck up



=at the expense of the one i love and i know cares for me=

so yeah there seems like there has been so much on my plate lately and i really thank justin for pointing out to me some of my biggest flaws. when i come home every night either after seeing justin or coming home from school or work, i have these incredibly huge knots in my stomach that are just eating me away and im losing what some people say they love about me. im losing myself. i have not been myself lately and i apologize to anyone i may have hurt in the past while. things just never seem to go my way, they never want to work out just the way i want them to, but i undertand that life tough shit. so for one thing im completly stressed because the more i hear that i let people walk all over me i realize it and i sit here with this golfball in my throat thats going to burst if i do not let all this out. so first im sick of being walked all over. to begin sarah, i have given her so much advice and i dont give a shit if she uses it all or if she uses none of it, thats cool im fine but what bothers me is what she does behind my back. do not mock my advice or complain aboout being one way and not maiing an effort to chnage it, this leads me into myself. why cant i "practice what i preech" for lack of a better saying. why cant i just listen to myself. well ive been l;etting every little thing get to me lately thats its showing up in other relationships in my life and im fucking everything up, like usual. it seems like with me and justin lately ive been doing something wrong every night, even if i dont i know i will never be what he wants me to be and he feels no "sparks" with me which yeah i gotta fucking deal with it. maybe im totally wrong but i kknow im in love with him and i cant stand the fact that maybe he isnt in love with me but once iagian i know i cant do anythin so im not going to try. yes justin does tell me he loves me and i know i have a trust issue with everyone and im sorry dude if your ead this and it hurts im so sorry. justin knows hell have me forever and through anything he knows id be there in a second, im always happy when im with him. it just kinda wored that way but im no girl of his dreams and maybe im not because i tried to hard but im done trying its putting to much stress on myself. doesnt mean im going to change at all when we’re together but im just gonna stop worrying about it. its not doing anything for me. its just im so scared to fall in love and i always have been and then it happened and i didnt even know it. i just let whatever happened, happen. i couldnt stop it because for anyone whos ever been in love its almost impossible to stop. the feeling i have for him are so powerfull i cant even explain sometimes. and yeah ill admitt ill always be jealous of any other girl hes with because i know theyre going to get a piece of what i love and admire and dont want to think about being without but yea thats life and i gotta fucking suck it up. i dont think ill fall in love again as hard as i have fallen for justin and thats ok...i really dont want to. sometimes it sucks becuase i hav that feeling like i might do something wrong and iots not just in sex or whatever its in every aspect. maybe ill say something or do something wrong. it shouldnt be that way and it really isnt that much but theres always something that sti8cks out in the back of my mind like wow i wonder what he really thinks of me. i hope its not bad and he says he loves me so it cant be too bad. yeah i get fristrated alot of times whenw e have sex fore certain reasons and he knows this too and he knows the reasons and god let me tell you ti sucks ass. i cant fall in love anymore with him then i already am. i might hurt myself int he end i think. i mean hes going to scghool in november. is that going ot be the end of this relationship ive had for a good chunk of my life. this is why i dont want to worry anymore i dont want to fuck anything up and i just want to go about cherishing everyday i have left with hiom. yeah its totally going to suck when he leaves but i will manage, i have to. i guess me and justin never had that li8ttle something ihoped we always would unless we did and he never told me his side. ive always thought of hijm as like more than a boyfriend. as like a friend and i look up to him sometimes as weird as that might seem. i felt something with him and i cant even explain it, its so magical and he makes me so happy but i cant hold onto that forever no matter what i do i think. hes always telling me im cute or adorable or something so sweet that it goes straight to my heart and its an amazing feeling to have, but then i see my "friends" and i dont get that feeling. so this is my other issue. somethinghappened at a party that amd eme really wonder "wow emily, who are your friends" i guess the people i chill with are alot different then justin wi=hich sucks cuz i wish they were more like him, but im not out to change anyone. i get insulted when my friends make fun of me for liking sex or wearing black or not giving shit what i look like. it hurts when you hear that often. or for the perfect example i wore blue jeans and a black shirt with platform sandalls to school. a kid says "wow you lok normal today" like that isnt supposed to hurt. i think i shouldnt care about what other people say about me but it sucks when you hear it often. and the question i ask myself, why do i go back for more each time. thats a really good question ebcause i dont even know. i have to say im done with alot of people. im sick of putting up with bullshit that i dont need to. justin had told me once something his uncle told him, "if you l eave this world with one good friend, you’ve done good" i guess ive done ok. i have jusint and this chick stacey who ive been close with sionce i was 8. shes like a sister to me. when we frist met we had a werid bond and it kinda stuck and now im 16. yeah ive got the two of them but justins going to school and stacey i dont talk everything to her. so im left with none. my biggest fear, being alone. inm and observer and i se everyone so happy in all their relationships in school and i dont have that. i dont need it i just kinda want it i guess. i just wish jusitn felt the same about me and i do about him. im not gonna try anymore and im just gonna be myself for how i know me. im not pushing anything not writing this as a guilt trip im just lonely sometimes. i need someone to touch even if its just to hold or to be held. i cant now have it but yeah i dont know it might sound like im babbling. sorry. i just want things to go my wayu. i mean this shouldnt bother me and maybe its cuz i never asked and things come with time but ugh this sounds tupid most bf and gf’s have songs i have songs for jusin but i wondered if we ever had a song. its not like its a big deal but i always wondered it and im so afraid to post this entry aggh its freaking me out. maybe i compare myself to things that work out to much like in the movies. theres alway sa happy ending. i just want my fairy tale and i thought i had it but now im not so sure because fairytales work both ways right. i guess i always wished justin would come back for me. i cant predict the future, im not trying to make anything hapen, believe me these are not my intentions im just full of so magny things ight now i dont think ive ever cried so much in my life. im so scared that in life ill end up with nothing and that i wont be something. i an anxcious to see what happens in my futire though im so scared and i have to say this. justin as of right now i do not want anything to change between us because im happy and content with how things are i just was too chicken to say half this shit to your face this way. i hope you dont hate me for anything ive said. you know i love you and when you wrot ein your entry blood spills for once wondering if i would still have you, you know youll always have me. im not planning on going anywhere, ever even if you push me away. i love you kiD. theres something special about you i never thoght id find. And with everthing ive said tonight ir ealize the world does not always work in ways that i want it to but i will deal with what come smy way one step at a time. thanks for reading and im sorry to those i may have hurt. - emily-

These conversations with myself never got me too far

And my insecurities show through clearly by the scars upon my arms

With my burning eyes I’m creating my own disguise

And hiding from my own demise

Contained within my outer layer,
I begin to take new form.
No longer bright, no longer alive
I am influenced by this other force
A long time blonde turns to brunette
Shortly after turns to black
No more pink, no more sparkle
Grey and black mask my eyes
Goodbye ADIDAS kicks
Hello knee high lace up boots, hello DC’s
Goodbye blue jeans
Goodbye bright shirts
Hello new world
Hello new clothing line
Goodbye pretty nails
Hello replacement black
AM I BETTER YET?
Let me go further....
I welcomed the new me
It took long for me to realize
I’m me dressed in black
But in some way I’m her
You changed me, me me how you wanted me
All because of what, I loved you
I remind you of her, don’t I
The one you can’t touch
So you play with me instead
Well I’m not changing now
This is who I have become
Congratualations, I’m now this girls proxy
A replacement for what you don’t have
Until you get it, then I’m gone
But what’s different is
On the outside I look like her
On the inside I am me
And you’ve fallen for me
And I’ve fallen for you
And we LOVE it.

I would drink away your pain
But your poisoned heart would kill me
The mysterious demons in you would harm me too
And we’d end up eight steps further back then where we began
You want it?
You need it?
I will kill her
The one that contaminates your delicate mind
...tomorrow it will be done

No reason to smile
Leaves room for reason to cry
Reason to die
Reason to FAKE
More reason to hate
No reason to die
Leaves room for reason to fly
Fly, Fly far away from here
Fly so far away from fear
This tragic end still stays near

Hey hollywood smile
Come with me
Stay for a while
I’ll set you free

She steps on the world with no shame,
It’s part of her selfish and childish mindgames.
Bloodshot eyes,
Truthfull lies,
Secret idenities,
It is from you I must hide...
Turn on the cold air,
And bleed your pity into my heart.
That fake smile you insist to wear,
Fuck, you think you’re so smart.
She fools everyone around her,
Including herself,
She knows how poor her cards have been delt.
She thinks she fools me,
She thinks she bothers me,
But I know she’s nothing but another stupid girl.

Kickoff
An affable alliance formed
A fresh embrace to close to kill
An awaited luscious kiss hello
These rotations and revolutions never say goodbye
Dropoff
A once blooming love mourned
An anticipated touch going downhill
This absent spark equals zero
A sad story goodbye
Jumpoff
Something new formed, reborn
The sweetest embrace can never fade
Never replace a silent goodbye
Finale

veracious and erroneous
blatant and inconspicuous
he is my unblemished and unbroken peace
and the love i retain
it assaults me in eccentric directions

Spreading epidemic
Cancer for a headache
Re-occuring fantasy within
Breathing apparatus
Killer with a solidified silence
You are the robber inside of me

I understand i say this alot, that love is an amazing thing and that the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return, but all these feelings i get when im with him are true and real. When my lips touch his and we share a kiss, it’s not just a kiss, it has pure passion and continuous meaning. It is something shared as if we are one that is like a glue that holds us together. Even when our lips aren’t touching I look at my picture and imagine what an amazing feeling it is and can feel him there eventhough he isnt. I guess many people wouldn’t understand the feeling of this passionate love contained between two people, but that’s ok, and one day everyone will. For now and forever in my life i have found that something i need and always want to have. Its a comfort when nobody else is there and its (extra)ordinary, as justin says. My one, my inspiration, my separate.

Woke up yesterday
with you on my mind
so afraid of running out of time
so come around again and i’ll show you what i mean
And you can tell me
exactly what you need
and we can talk all night (we can talk all night)
and i will sing you lullabies (i will sing you lullabies)
not in every arrow is pointed straight at your heart
sorry for the time i said too much
i was so afraid that you would fall out of touch
and we can talk all night (we could talk all night)
and i will sing you lullabies (i will sing you lullabies)
not every arrow is pointed straight at your heart
so come around again (so come around again)
and we can talk all night
so come around again, so come around again
and we can talk all night (and we can talk all night)
i will sing you
lullabies

relationship (n.):1 the quality or state of being related;connection 2 connection by blood;marriage,etc.;kinship 3 a particular instance of being related 4 A CONTINUING ATTACHMENT OR ASSOCIATION BETWEEN PERSONS. SPECIF.,ONE BETWEEN LOVERS



A relationship is a beautiful thing. It comes with so many aspects of life and everyone masters a relationship in their own way. That’s what makes everyone and their relationships so bold and unique. But, sometimes, thoughw e don’t want to face it, relationships come to an end. Alot of people get angry and talk all like, "I can’t believe I wasted so much time on them. They aren’t worth my time and I made the biggest mistake of my life being with them." The word wasted tonight I have chosen to put in bold because I feel as if in a realtionship time is never wasted. Every realationship you are in something is learned as what to do better or maybe what not to do at all. A valuble lesson that can be used in possible future relationships. Time couldn’t have been wasted if you had a good time with that signifigant other and things were going well while it lasted. I seem to always feel that persistent and constant feeling inside about people I’ve been with in the past, but never regret how things turned out today because, because I wake up in the morning and am thankful for all I have. An amazing boyfriend who I’ll love through anything and I get the same feeling back from him, and parents to give me a place to stay and they care for me, and I wake up and see my friends mostly everyday of the week. I have a roof above my head and I wouldn’t have the people in my life that are here today if it hadn’t been in these past relationships learning and experiencing, rather than wasting my time. So next time you see your lover, make the best of it because life is too short and we let it slip out and through our fingers so easily. Just take a second to realize all you have and who you have and be greatful. Cherish the relationships you behold because that could all be gone tomorrow. Time seems as if it is unable to be wasted if you use it properly, or does time really exist?

He’s sitting at his computer desk playing some game as I walk down the hall to proceed to the kitchen. I decide to go lie down on the living room couch and as he creeps over to the spot where I am. He places his body on top of mine and tells me "i’m cute" and I think to myself how lucky I am to have him. He locks eyes with me and I lick my lips to prepare for my kiss that I unregretfully wish to recieve. My wish is granted and within seconds his lips our massaging mine with such an unbeatable touch that no one has ever dared to exceed. He bites my lip and pulls me up towards him and my legs are wrapped around his waist with my arms around his neck. I don’t always go up when he pulls because I love the feeling of his body on top of mine. If only we could have been alone...naked...that would have been a dream come true. He slowly moves to kissing my ear where he knows I love it, expecially the way he blows in to it. I moan but slightly because I can’t help it, the feeling is something you have to experience yourself to understand how it truely feels. The butterflies enter my stomach when he starts to kiss my neck and I hold on to him even tighter. Some of my favorite times with him is when we’re just fooling around and kissing on the couch or my bed. He has this unresistable touch that I find myself addicted to. I’m thinking to myself that he is in my life for a reason, and forever I wish it to stay that way. His skin touching mine, his head resting in my chest, it’s all so perfect and it’s my reality. I never want to let it go. He’s with me in my dreams or even when I’m awake and not with him, though it is not an obsession. See, it is just how I am. He’s like a drug that I can’t get enough of, and I’m not willing to let him go. This does not mean I will go crazy or insane when he is gone, but I am not a a negative person and I don’t wish to think in such a way. I am still stragely excited that he asked me to be with him again, eventhough it happened almost a month ago. Without him in my life ever at any time I wonder how I would be? Who would I love? Or, if it was truely meant to be would we just meet somewhere one day? Life is full of unanswered questions and you have to deal and except what is right in front of you. Some may think this is a bunch of babble and my feelings aren’t true, but all I say is put yourself in my position, be with the guy I’m with and then, then see how true to my words I am. My love grows everday with him or not, I guess it’s just what happens. Maybe I am "too" in love, but I see love very differently from others. It’s not just a feeling you get when you’re with someone, it’s other things that come with it. Things you don’t expect to happen in a good way. Sometimes I regret the way I see love because at times it hurts me more, ohhh...my love for you is always growing and ever so strong I just wish to be loved back. Because...THE GREATEST THING YOU’LL EVER LEARN IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN. Justin I love you with everything i contain inside of me. You are an inspiration and a reason for some type of meaning in alot of parts of my life. Once again I say I love you Justin and I couldn’t ask for more...