Solitude! The only sense of freedom I'll ever have.

......

thanks mommy, thanks. thanks so fucking much mom. god, you totally deserved a kid. you totally raised it right. god, you are such a great fucking mom. thanks for having an affair. thanks dad, for being a wife beater, and beating the shit out of me. thanks for bringing me into this wonderful fucking world.

...................................................

i miss it. i miss it so. brb throwing up all over the page.

it's 2:27am and i'm not allowed to go for a walk
and i'm making too much noise?

i've realized i may have real genuine pure leather which is quite upsetting.
i wonder how many shoes are made out of it.

yet, i indulged like a pig today in food.

I keep clutching my nose. It's an awful nose. I have no vocabulary. I have no self-control. I have no library card! I can't get myself to go out and walk anymore. I'm incredibly paranoid, and I want to study math still... and different sciences. I'm a big nerd. I'm weirdly not really interested in people. I really am a huge nerd now. I am nineteen and it feels like I am wasting my life. I worry about my Mom, yet I'm really mean to her sometimes. It sucks. I hate myself, because of it. I don't know where it comes from. People slam doors, and we get blamed for making noise?! There is such a vendetta going around here to get us kicked out of the apartment by the neighbors, it is not even funny & it's probably my fault.

Ugh, I just want to read Wilde & Machiavelli.
I just want to fall into words on a page, because there is nothing better. I can't do my goal of walking to CVS and back, and it all smells like sewage so badly. LOL. I am so screwed. I am ugly and nerdy so there are no fun good times for me, and I will probably die alone, but that's always how I've wanted to die. ^____^

I get absolutely no education, and I'm a useless body. I have crazy delusions, and end up acting out on them. I'm agoraphobic? I have horrible skin. I have no friends. I have no people I can trust with my emotions because they are all mean. I am just insane & psycho, okay?

Also, I don't care about gossip. I just don't. I have gained so much weight I just want to go walking, and were those seagulls the other night? Cops pulled me over....... I am such a loser. I hate my life. I hate my life. And then I randomly went out and was feeding cats at night, because I figured I had to do a good deed to be good.

All in all, I was so bad today. I am so very intelligent.

Also, I miss my old hair. I wish I could (vaccum)vaccuum right now. Gosh, it is so strict here. I wish I could die. I just want to die. I really, really cannot stand anything anymore. The lack of substance intellectually and everything?

I have had no youth. The computer and fear took it away. Also a lack of politeness, and everything. And the other day I was going to walk to the woods, but I got freaked out people would think I was stalking them. I am just really afraid of stalking and stalkers.

People are so hateful. And why do we get so many complaints? I hate if I act as a critic. Ugh, even my speech is nerdy. It's not even nerdy so much as it is stupid.

Now I'm craving grilled blackened chicken, wtf is wrong with me?

Oh, and gladly my Mom knows my social security number so I can wipe the sweat off of my forehead. At least Simba is here looking at me sternly as I type.

        What has happened in Haiti is awful. I feel like such a broken person. I have the most ridiculous thoughts in my head. I am sick of everything. Okay, mostly my face. Okay, how crappy everything looks. Okay, I have no room to complain, because life could be a hell of a lot worse. I just feel like an over-evolved ape. My body is in terrible shape. I am afraid I just like... stuff and that I don't appreciate people. The thoughts in my head aren't worthy of being written down.

        I really shouldn't have went completely insane and cut off my hair. I should have never stopped running. I should have never stopped being sane, and nice to everyone.

        I shouldn't have lost the library card. I shouldn't have ever stopped washing my face.

        This is going to sound insane, but I'm nineteen and I feel and look like I'm in my forties. And then I go completely crazy because I think everyone knows about my Melodramatic journal site. I feel useless and dirty, and the answers, and the motions, and actions are harder to find and do than complaining about it is. Wtf?

        Also, I'm delusional. I'm afraid when I went to the mental hospital they took my frontal lobe. That could be because I just read The Bell Jar though. I practically ruined Christmas. I ruin everything. I cannot find my good and happy self where I am nice to everyone because I am bitch. Ha! I wish I was a bitch in the literal sense of the word. I have been thinking Oh my gosh! in my mind. Do you know how awful that is? And then I spent the entire day eating food and telling my Mother how much I hate it.

        I am so sick of myself and people I just want to die.