this is basically what's on my mind about rashan. i have been thinking about it a lot since yesterday morning. it's been bugging me and i have to get it out. i love the guy to death, but it's that whole "i love him but i'm not entirely sure i am IN love with him" scenario.

i don't know if i want to be with him, or if i'd rather be alone. i want to be able to have friends, not necessarily go out and party like crazy and have wild sex with a bunch of guys. I'm not into that whole party scene all that much. and i don't like many people. but i want to be able to go out with the friends i have, and not be afraid that rashan is jealous or suspicious because i want to go to the movies with a guy friend. i want to go out and not feel bad that rashan is here working his ass off and doesn't go out and do anything unless i am with him, but i want to go out without him.

i know i can live without him, and i know i can take care of myself. the question is mainly do i want to? and am i actually afraid to do so. i know i'm afraid to be alone. but is that what's holding me to this relationship. i have no friends. not really. mike is a friend. he lives in gainsville. niki is a friend. i haven't seen her in awhile. there's josh...that's about it as friends go. if rashan and i did break up, in order to afford to take care of myself i'd have to move in with roomies. and i don't think i could handle that with all my hang ups.

if rashan and i took a break...if it was a short one i don't know how that would all work..we wouldn't be able to live together yet we dont have the money nor esources to live apart for a short period of time. and there's only one car, and he'd need it to go to work, so i'd be stuck and i dont see the point in that.

if it were a longer break..he could go back to jersey and i could live on my own, get my own apartment. but in the end the odds of us getting back together seem slim. but maybe it'd be easier to do it that way. but if i realized further down the line that i made a mistake and there's no way to fix it, i'd be kicking myself til i died.

if all signs did point to me having to break up with him. i don't think i'd actually have the balls to do it. i've had plenty of chance to get out of the relationship but i begged and pleaded and cried until he stayed. i don't know if it was because i love him. i don't know if i was afraid of being alone. i dont know if i just didnt want it to end being my fault. i have done so many things wrong in the relationship.

i miss my father. no matter how much of an asshole he is. i want to see him, i want to talk to him. i want him to say that he loves me. it hurt so much when he said he couldnt be proud of me. if he died and i wasnt there, i'd feel so guilty. i dont even know if our relationship is worth losing my dad. but i have. i miss my mom, and my sister, and my grandma and grandpa. i feel like i cant be there for my sis as much as i want to.

i could move back home...that would feel like a major step back. i wouldnt be happy. and i'd have to move out and do it on my own eventually anyway. so why take a step back?

would i ever feel comfortable enough with another guy. i feel completely comfortable, no matter how crazy i act. he doesn't judge me when i am hyper, or when i am depressed. he's just there for me. i feel completely comfortable with my body. which is a big issue. i know he loves me and loves the way i look. and i doubt i could as comfortable with myself with anyone else. i am only so with him because i didnt think the relationship would last, so i didn't care.

anyways i think i'm done.

EViLpAnDaBeAr: can i ask u something?
EViLpAnDaBeAr: r u willing to go through fights screaming over stupid stuff, or isn't love supose to be at least kinda of perfect
xprincesssundaex: u will have to read my entry, i dont have a simple answer to that
EViLpAnDaBeAr: ok
EViLpAnDaBeAr: well the fact that the person was ur first and u had time to get comfartable and u built up something maybe u don't want to try to redo all the first getting together stuff with another
xprincesssundaex: i dont, and i know that
xprincesssundaex: and that's why i am so conflicted
xprincesssundaex: i don't know if i'm in the relationship for the right reasons

t3h end.
bitches

what to do what to do
i want to dye my hair..
but what color...

1. blonde


2. fire cherry red with black streaks



3. auburn



4. black


answer in gspot

PayPal.
naughty_mnky@yahoo.com
I'll heart you forever.
Consider it a donation to my collegiate career.
And to my negative PayPal balance.

This is the e-mail I sent to my Dad regarding the given ultimateum.


I wanted to tell you that I love you and always will.
But I have to do something in my life to make myself happy. And I'm happier than I've ever been with Rashan. And I thought my happiness was important to you, but I guess not. I thought parents were supposed to be there no matter what, I thought fathers WANTED their childrent to be happy.If Mom can still love me, why can't you? You hurt me emotionally and physically all through out the 18 years I lived with you. And you are still doing it to Mom and Tiffany. If things were different I would have come home. But I need to be an adult, and make my own decisions and do what I need to do to make myself happy.
You gave me an ultimateum. In doing so I felt like you didn't really care about me. Because if you did, you would care about my feelings, and not just your own. You had an unspoken basic ultimateum. (1)Lose a daughter or (2)Accept that she is happy.
I know I hurt you because I lied. But I KNEW you'd react this way. And I'm truly sorry. In the beginning I didn't know it was going to last. And I didn't know that it was going to be worth going through this over. But it is.
But I'm your daughter and I will always love you.


There was still more that I wanted to say but just couldn't without getting pissed off. Plus I didn't have a cruel enough heart for it. I guess he told Mom to say some stuff to me for him. I still haven't gotten a chance to hear it. He couldn't even talk to me. Weak.

ugh
I feel so sick to my stomach.

And I get to pee in a cup today.
As soon as Rashan gets home...
I hope that means Lisa will let me work tonight.

I told my Dad about Rashan.
He gave me two choices.
1.
Come home.
2.
Be disowned.






.p.s.
.i.c.u.t.

I'm super-happy.
And I don't know why.
I have this great feeling of accomplishment.
But I haven't really accomplished anything.
I *might* have a job tomorrow.
Ruby Tuesdays.
After getting dicked around for a week.
.b.i.t.c.h.e.s.

Me and the girl downstairs found Sammy a new home.
I think he'll be happy there.
I feel a great sense of relief.
Now I can clean the carpet up real good,
And it won't smell of stale dog piss.
YaY!

I finally bought Pirates of the Caribbean!
w00t
In the words of my dad:
"Johnny Depp is soo hott!"
I also got
Girl, Interrupted
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
The Butterfly Effect

o0o and we went to see The Longest Yard
soooooo funny
i *HeArT* it mucho.

Anyhow I am bleacing my hair
so I can dye it
Strawberry blonde
o0o
and I keep getting distracted so I must go.
.a.d.i.e.u.

I got married! YaY!

Rashan and I had another one of our failing relationship talks.
He said my actions are shady.
He told me he had walked in LONG ago and seen me kissing James.
And he doesn't believe that nothing else happened.
I admitted to kissing Angel.
And told him about the bath with Harold.
He said that if anything new came up our
relationship is over.
I'm scared.
I tried to think of anything else that could come up.
But I can't.
I am so scared that I'm going to lose him.

I'm going to apply at Bennigans.
That's where Mike is working.
I guess.
Either that or the gas station down the street.
Or both.
I dunno.
We're so behind in money,
so I really would rather have a serving job.
And I'd make some good money at Bennigans.
And we just got our apartment phone put in.
YaY!
Anyways,
I'm out.
.b.i.t.c.h.e.s.

.best.monkey.EVER.

oh, and send weed my way
k, thanks

My cat was in heat this past week...
My dog took advantage of this
and licked her butt...
and then continued to hump her
If it was truly possible for them to make babies
They would be extremely disturbing looking babies....


Anyhow..
I have a math final on Monday
and a psych final Thursday
And I shall be done
Thank God.
And Paganism is over.
YES!
That had to have been one of the worst teachers.ever.

I've been playing Manhunt.
I'm about 3 levels away from beating it.
But I keep dying and it is pissing me off.

OMFG, I just realized it was Thursday
And that I missed The OC
But I have it recorded
And so i went to watch it
AND what do I see
BUSH!
WTF, damn him
WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I'm upset,
I must go

so tired
so sick
no sleep
i'm dying

New Florida Clique:

Join, biatches. It's hot.

AND, vote on the poll damn you.

Had two tables, one brown and one white that did not match the room or each other. It's been bugging me for awhile so I decided to paint them. w00t.