I can feel him reaching out still and I can't seem to help pushing him away.





Is this the end?

Was laying in bed watching Brothers and the ending was sad. I was already feeling depressed so I just started bawling. Of course Rashan chooses that moment to come speak to me and sees me crying like crazy. *sigh*

the minute the lights go out, the thoughts come crashing in
looks like another sleepless night

Plumb-Cut

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...
Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

As if I didn't have enough to sort out...Rashan's younger son is going to be living with us as well. He arrived tonight. Rashan gave me a whole couple hours heads up right before I walked into work. That was nice of him. I had been in such a good mood too...I spent the beginning of my shift on the verge of tears & was having trouble breathing. Luckily I was so slammed I didn't have time to think about it until the end of my shift...when I did actually start crying.

*sigh*

I just don't know...

I wantyou to be my everything.



-



It shouldn't be this hard.

I'm fighting a losing battle, and it's completely draining me. October 29=open enrollment for insurance. Soon after a nice little doctor's visit for medication. Is it wrong to have so much hope that a little pill will help?

sometimes I wish I could...

I was stressed about money issues...so I bought myself new shoes.

All day I've felt like I was in a daze. I've been off for three days and yet am exhausted and have nasty bags under my eyes. Rashan called to picked up and I realized that I had been completely out of it and hadn't even realized what time it was or anything. I got really worried and then started feeling like I was missing something BIG and I couldn't put my finger on it. Like something was happening that I should know about or that something was wrong. I went from dazed to paranoid to depressed and crying to anxious and not being able to take deep breaths to very nauseous in the time it took to get from our house to Olive Garden, which is a ten minute drive at most.

I still feel a little off but I'm trying not to think about it. Maybe if I just get some rest...

There's this chick at work that I want to punch in the face....repeatedly.
I have a short temper, but I control it very well. Well, maybe not all that well since bottling it up and taking it out on myself is not healthy but at least I haven't gone to jail for shanking anybody. ^.^ But there's just something about this girl that makes it so I can't stop my mouth when I'd normally keep quiet. And it seems like she manages to give me a new reason to haul off and punch her every time we work together.
Last night she came behind me in our server alley and was like "Excuse me, excuse me" and jabbing me in the back with the plates she was carrying. There was no one around us and she could just have easily walked completely around me with room to spare. I took a deep breath and walked away. She gets what she needs and stops and starts asking me to hand her something. I was just like "You're seriously asking me for something after you stood there and jabbed me in the back with your plates?" She said she didn't realize. How can you not realize when you're up someone's ass?

Anyway today I was standing next to the computer to run a card through because someone was already putting in an order. That person finishes and this chick squeezes by him and gets in the computer, skipping me. She says "I'm going to be awhile...were you waiting?" Seriously now wtf is wrong with you?

*sigh* I hate people sometimes.

Oh and stuff i'd love to tell customers sometimes:
*we have more than one table, you are not our only guest/table please be patient. i'm pretty sure you can wait a min or two while i take someone's order for your 4th bowl of soup so there's no need to interrupt me walking i'm talking to another table, i will get to you. it's obnoxious and how would you like it if i had to stop in the middle of something that pertained to you for another guest?

*8% is NOT an acceptable tip. and even though your soup, salad and breadsticks is only $7 and you didn't get anything to drink it'd be nice to get more than 10% when you have my ass running back and forth for refills because when i say "can i get you anything else" i'm apparently speaking japanese.

*i'm here to help you, when i ask you a question ANSWER me, don't ignore me.

*i have stuff to do, don't make me wait at the side of your table while you finish up your phone conversation. i'm pretty sure they can hold at least a min while you give me your order.


Ok, I'm done and off to sleep.

So things are going well, looking up and yet today was the second day in less than I week I got so depressed I just curled up in a ball and went to sleep. The fact that I have no real reason to feel like this makes it all the more frustrating.

emarq - PAID
water - PAID
electric - PAID
wow - PAID :-D
$200 toward past due rent - PAID
metro - PAID

ahhh...that felt good ^.^