Well, my appointment to terminate the pregnancy was made, and I showed up.. ready to go.
I gave a urine sample, signed all the paper work nervously, and changed into my hospital gown with every intention of going under, and waking up no longer pregnant.

A lump formed in my throat as I signed all of the release forms allowing these doctors to take life from me... but I made the decision that I felt was the best for me... and I felt the repercussions.

John is currently in Rehab, he's my boyfriend of a year and 4 months now. He's recovering from smoking 300 Mg of Oxycodone, actually, he really liked Roxys, which are pretty much the same thing. Either how, things got really bad, and I was able to talk him into checking into a rehab facility, and he has since then. It's been a month, and I am still carrying his child.

Reasons I do not want this child:
- John's current situation
- John's health at the time of conception
- Financial instability
- Lack of time
- Lack of education...I still haven't gotten my associates degree.
- Relationship Instability

Reasons this child might be a good thing:
- I love kids, and want them badly
- It's a part of me regardless, and I will unconditionally love this child
- This child could help me grow up even more

So, as I draw my conclusions, I still feel that having this child, right now, is not the right choice for me. I am sure I upset a few of you out there, and that's alright with me... be upset with me. You aren't raising my child, paying for my child, or living my life, and my views. So go on, feel free to feel!

So.. I go into the back office, where I'm sitting patiently with my hair tied up... getting ready for operation. They call me into the room where they conduct the ultrasound, and the baby is nowhere to be found.
Apparently, there is supposed to be a black spot, about the size of a quarter, called a "gestation sack" in my uterus. There is none.

This means one of two things;
1. It's too early, and it cannot be detected yet
2. I am experiencing an ectopic pregnancy

Who knows what ectopic pregnancy is?
Well, for those of you who don't, let me make it simple..

About 3 years ago, I had a miscarriage, because I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It was painful, sad, and horrific. Basically, the baby gets stuck in your tubes, and it grows in there. If it grows to be too big without being removed, it can rupture your tubes, and cause you to hemorrhage, and event potentially die.

This is where I am standing now, analyzing what's wrong.. Because, I read somewhere that once experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, there will always be a 50% risk that you will encounter this very problem every time you conceive thereafter.

*Sigh*

I hope I don't experience this again, not this time, and not any time in the future, when I DO feel the time is right for kids.

Oh, and my friend Mark Sylvis of Simi Valley died on Monday, from a heroin Overdose...
God rest his soul.

And bless my fallen friend Anthony Gapastione who passed away March 8th, 2009 of a drug overdose as well

Please, heighten your awareness of drug use, and get HELP.

It's really not an easy road for you, or your loved ones. So if you have the will to get better, please seek out the help.

I Discovered Melo

I have a thousand articles of clothing, and nothing to wear.

Oh,

.... I also feel fat as hell!


what the fuck!? blegh.

Until im 21

I am writing this entry against my better judgement.. I Keep a little black diary full of every complaint and compliment I've ever given John credit for... Not just bad things, and definately not all good things. My most inner emotions go into this little black diary that I keep to myself as a private read. It gives me a VIP look into my own life really.. Its quite unsensored.

This evening I am writing this, in reluctancy because Ill hate having to re read it when I really need to analyze a very important decision.

John Is possibly getting a house soon... His dad makes big bucks, and is willing to co sign, and set him up with a secure job.

John's dad is a General contractor who owns his own business. Currently, He's working on the alfred Mann house. He is the inventer of the pace maker... Multi million dollar home in Hollywood Hills.

Anyhow, John's father has offered to give him higher pay, as long as he takes responsibility to pay bills, and grow up a little.
I think John is capable of turning his shit around, and becoming an outstanding citizen, but he's had a troubled past, and it seems to haunt him.

I expressed great dissatisfaction with his drug addiction. I Grew up with a mother addicted to pills, my Ex of 5 years was a drug junkie, and now im dating a seemingly good guy who cant seem to get out of the rut he's in.
The difference between him and chad is that I could imagine John pulling through and being very successful. I often doubted chad's ability to stop his drug use before it was too late, and a future was Irreparable.

That's the primary issue I have stuck with him thus far. He's actually a really good guy, who is completely thoughtful, nurturing, and affectionate. He's very compassionate, and even empathetic which I just find refreshing. I like people who can relate to most other people the way I can. I generally get along with people, chad always had something negative to say about everyone he didn't know. John is more accepting, and I like that quality. That being said, he makes me feel special... like really special.
Thoughtful flowers for a day I was down, he chose them to match my bedroom wall... or winning me a stuffed animal at a carnival because the prize was a bulldog (which I want in real life... ). So theres some good before I go into why im pissed...

Okay, so, since john has decided he wants a house, hes working a LOT more hours. I hardly see him anymore with my sched always being 1-9:30 or 9:00-6:00. It used to work, but john goes to work 6-3, so he has to be up at the butt crack of dawn, and must be in bed by 10:30 ish. We spend little more than three hours together now a days, where-as before, we were spending 7 hours plus at a time.
(this is partly the reason i would think moving in with him would be a good thing. I can spend LOTS of time with him, and not get annoyed of him)
I love spending time with him!
so much so, that my feelings got hurt tonight when he completely neglected to show any attachment to me.

Let me set the background info here;
Were at the jacuzzi, It's johns friends community pool, and johns friend Ryan, and ryans cousin Jeremy were in the jacuzzi. I came to get into the water, so after smoking a few bowls, I did. John (for some reason) chose to stay out of the water. Jeremy, was a very akward aquaintence to make. He seemed uneasy, nervous, and very insecure. didn't make eye contact really, and was just peculiar. Anyhow, I sat in the water, and jeremy approached me in the water and was asking me to feel the cold water jets, and touching my hand to put it over the jets... and I was suddenly struck by how much he had just opened up. He seemed so reclusive when I wasn't in the jacuzzi, but once I was in, He was just staring at my chest, and almost picking on me just to make conversation. I beckoned john to come into the water, but he kept declining... I felt uncomfortable because jeremy didnt seem to realize John was my boyfriend. Or at least I dont think he did... either way, john was oblivious had no recollection of any of his attention on me.
My friend vahid was there, and he noticed Jeremy was a bit invasive.

I rode in vahids car, and we met john there. When it came time to go home, neither john nor vahid lived very far from where we were, and I live on the other side of town. So when I mentioned I didnt have my car, john sighed heavily.
I felt bad....
He said "its okay, I guess I can just give you a ride home"
I guess?
what the hell, I'm your girlfriend, shouldnt you be more than happy to give me something as simple as a ride when i always pay for everything for you? give you gas money? and smoke you out?!
He made it seem as if it were such a chore.
I felt terrible, and I felt like after his neglect all night, so much so that someone couldnt pick up on the BF/GF relationship
... I just wanted to cry.

Ryan always seems to bring up Johns ex too... because I guess they all hung out at one point... but its like every time. None of his other friends do that, because none of his other friends like her, but I guess ryan is still friends with her. Its weird.. but anyway, he was telling stories involving her, and john was getting into this story about this huge party he threw at a ballys fitness club, and he said something like "yeah my girlfriend was blah dee dah, and yadda yadda... "
I dont know, maybe its just me, but I take the time to say my ex... so as not to confuse others, and to indicate that I am no longer with this person.

Its just respectful.
Anyways, I feel neglected and slightly bummed out.
He tried to make me give him a kiss on the ride home in the car, but I refused to. He never asks me to give him kisses when were driving, so why would I give him one? just because hes feeling guilty? good. He should be.

Hello hello,

What's everyone up to this memorial day weekend?
hopefully some fun stuff going on for you all.

For me? well, today is my day off, and im spending it doing what else?.... but waiting.... waiting, and waiting for the un punctual people I chose to be in my life.

It's my day off, and typically, that would mean that today is meant to spent doing something nice, and perhaps even doing something I may not usually have the time for.
I am dressed to kill today, only because that makes me feel better when im pissed, and I have nowhere to go, which kind of ended up backfiring on me, because that's pretty depressing too.

I can't go shopping to cure the anger, because I've done too much of that this month already, and I need to start repaying debts, not getting further into them.

I feel like getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's and just sitting my fat ass down at home, and ignoring everyone today.
I think everyone deserves one of those days every once in a while, and I've had one so far this month, and I think I may just add another.

I feel frustrated right now... blegh

well best regards to all, I need to get going for now, but I thought I would update a little somethin' somethin'

maybe next time, I'll have something positive to say?

Hopefully regarding Finals?

chyeahhh... I already have two classes in the grade books this semester, and I got an A and a B. I'm not very happy about the B though... blegh.
Two more classes to score, hopefully they both end in A's!

best,
Ash