ghettolikejamie
There has got to be something that incites thought. Or at least emotion?
I have been at home for seventeen days, approximately. I can't count the exact number because I can't, at this moment, do anything that requires the slightest effort of my brain including articulating myself in anything resembling an imaginative way.
And I'm in this weeks-long reenactment of 2005. Complete with confessions of undying love from a boy who refuses to acknowledge my independence (to love, and not love, as I see fit) and offers of no strings attached friendship from someone who it took a good two years to get over and drunk dials from an ex that felt comfortable within the confines of pre-dawn and cells, but with the illumination of the afternoon light, it became obvious that comfort is an illusion, like happiness, unless it's worked at. That was the worst run-on sentence I've ever attempted to pass off as a serious articulation. God I've dumbed myself to an ungodly level.
I'm not thinking, and that should be obvious by now. I haven't thought since I first entered the fifth level of hell at the beginning of exam week. Those days filled with twelve hours off / twelve hours on (squeezing eating, sleeping, social interactions, and superfluous work into the twelve hours off) really fucked my intellectual capabilities up.
And now things are occurring to me but I don't understand them. I mean, I comprehend them.. they aren't difficult things: boys love me / hate me / ignore me, the elections of the world are having seizures, i NEED to find a suitable internship and i must format my resume, my friends want me to leave the house (and so do my parents, trust me), and sometimes i do leave... i don't say no. I'm not in the saying no business.
Anyways, I just don't... I'm not on the level to let things affect me, that I really understand them and they're affecting my decisions and actions. Ha. That reminds me of the first critical response I wrote about Thyestes that was completely about how it affected me (it spent a great deal of time on this because it was a 3 pg. double BULLSHIT essay. at least that's how I interpreted it) and the prof sent an email to the class, highlighting that we should learn how to use the correct forms of affect/effect. And I'm a goddamned English major. Fucking hell.
So I'm not living in accordance with what has happened to me recently. I am just sort of floating... and now the fucking Jew is in another country, or something, so we have zero communication. I had no one to call at midnight, but avi is a complete miracle worker... he must've sensed it or something, and was doing his BFF a favor and gave me a ring. Of course it was only 9 in the land of San Francisco, but it was a really nice gesture.
Too bad I didn't answer it because I wasn't expecting a call. I'm some piece of work.
I'll be back soon and none of it will be as perfect as the picture painted in my head. But at least it won't be high school. And that's all I can ask for anymore.
And I'm in this weeks-long reenactment of 2005. Complete with confessions of undying love from a boy who refuses to acknowledge my independence (to love, and not love, as I see fit) and offers of no strings attached friendship from someone who it took a good two years to get over and drunk dials from an ex that felt comfortable within the confines of pre-dawn and cells, but with the illumination of the afternoon light, it became obvious that comfort is an illusion, like happiness, unless it's worked at. That was the worst run-on sentence I've ever attempted to pass off as a serious articulation. God I've dumbed myself to an ungodly level.
I'm not thinking, and that should be obvious by now. I haven't thought since I first entered the fifth level of hell at the beginning of exam week. Those days filled with twelve hours off / twelve hours on (squeezing eating, sleeping, social interactions, and superfluous work into the twelve hours off) really fucked my intellectual capabilities up.
And now things are occurring to me but I don't understand them. I mean, I comprehend them.. they aren't difficult things: boys love me / hate me / ignore me, the elections of the world are having seizures, i NEED to find a suitable internship and i must format my resume, my friends want me to leave the house (and so do my parents, trust me), and sometimes i do leave... i don't say no. I'm not in the saying no business.
Anyways, I just don't... I'm not on the level to let things affect me, that I really understand them and they're affecting my decisions and actions. Ha. That reminds me of the first critical response I wrote about Thyestes that was completely about how it affected me (it spent a great deal of time on this because it was a 3 pg. double BULLSHIT essay. at least that's how I interpreted it) and the prof sent an email to the class, highlighting that we should learn how to use the correct forms of affect/effect. And I'm a goddamned English major. Fucking hell.
So I'm not living in accordance with what has happened to me recently. I am just sort of floating... and now the fucking Jew is in another country, or something, so we have zero communication. I had no one to call at midnight, but avi is a complete miracle worker... he must've sensed it or something, and was doing his BFF a favor and gave me a ring. Of course it was only 9 in the land of San Francisco, but it was a really nice gesture.
Too bad I didn't answer it because I wasn't expecting a call. I'm some piece of work.
I'll be back soon and none of it will be as perfect as the picture painted in my head. But at least it won't be high school. And that's all I can ask for anymore.
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I still want love to win.. in the end.
He asked, markedly, why I had done it. Why I had betrayed our friendship to tell him, no, rather, drunkenly slur to him, that I had been in love with him, that to me, he's perfect. After I sobered up and told him, assuredly, that was the figment of an intoxicated, fretful mind (which is, despite my track record on this, the absolute truth.. as far as i understand it), he asked me then.. why did you risk the friendship for your sick frenzied game.
I didn't want to tell him it was as simple as I felt undesirable.
Even though I was wrapped in an unending plunge into selfishness, I knew that would never be an appropriate excuse.
Yet, despite that.. despite my lack of desirability, that the only person who desires me does so because he will spiral into mental instability otherwise, I still believe in love.
It is the nagging consciousness in the back of my head, the guilt perhaps, or just the Jewish mother we have in all of us, that stems from this belief in love and this uncertainty that any love exists in the relationship anymore.
I feel, I hate this, I feel that even though he knows... I mean, of course he accepts that we're going nowhere, but he wants to go there, again, and again.
Despite all of this biterness, I would still chase love to the ends, going over in my head every last word he said.
I didn't want to tell him it was as simple as I felt undesirable.
Even though I was wrapped in an unending plunge into selfishness, I knew that would never be an appropriate excuse.
Yet, despite that.. despite my lack of desirability, that the only person who desires me does so because he will spiral into mental instability otherwise, I still believe in love.
It is the nagging consciousness in the back of my head, the guilt perhaps, or just the Jewish mother we have in all of us, that stems from this belief in love and this uncertainty that any love exists in the relationship anymore.
I feel, I hate this, I feel that even though he knows... I mean, of course he accepts that we're going nowhere, but he wants to go there, again, and again.
Despite all of this biterness, I would still chase love to the ends, going over in my head every last word he said.
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regenstein. cat. ramblings.
my cat, the last time i saw him, he was in a bookshelf, an empty one, and he had found the fourth wall. it was so impressive... he was almost miming the inability to get out of his box, but he was serious. he had three feet of opening, and he's only about 8 lbs, and he couldnt find his way out because he had created, imaginatively, the fourth wall.
he's so much more talented than i'll ever be.
macbeth has come back to haunt me during finals week. the poorest example i can show is in the latest e-mail to my mother:
"Still at the library although it's past midnight. It's a
sorry sight (or a foolish thought to say a sorry sight?)."
Only foolish insofar as my nightmares keep themselves at bay.
he's so much more talented than i'll ever be.
macbeth has come back to haunt me during finals week. the poorest example i can show is in the latest e-mail to my mother:
"Still at the library although it's past midnight. It's a
sorry sight (or a foolish thought to say a sorry sight?)."
Only foolish insofar as my nightmares keep themselves at bay.
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your stab wounds have never looked so appealing
he asked where i was going, with a warning look towards the darkening sky.
i smiled. my roommate, who didn't know we were roommates, really doesn't know a thing about me, other than my electricity habits.
i pointed eastward, i wanted to see the lake.
he thought i was crazy and went back before the storm hit.
it finally hit when i was on ellis, and it was coming down enough to soak me but not enough to hurt me.
i looked skyward.
no matter how much information the weather channel gives you, it's never enough to know how you'll feel in the middle of the downpour.
and if they advised not to go outside, they must've snorting something heavier than coke.
because, underneath the water, i was having an intimate moment with Him.
He knew. and, like always, that was all i needed.
after i reentered the lair of filth and dried off, we had a chat.
of course, his head was a million different places, and i didnt feel like pressing it.
but then the facebook status changed. who had been my "relationship" was now no longer that.
he was something else. he was his father's son.
and he didn't give a damn that he was killing me.
my scent, the "don't come near me i'm on the rag" scent that he spoke so lovingly of, was apparently detectable from over 100 miles away.
well, he won't dare come near me now.
i smiled. my roommate, who didn't know we were roommates, really doesn't know a thing about me, other than my electricity habits.
i pointed eastward, i wanted to see the lake.
he thought i was crazy and went back before the storm hit.
it finally hit when i was on ellis, and it was coming down enough to soak me but not enough to hurt me.
i looked skyward.
no matter how much information the weather channel gives you, it's never enough to know how you'll feel in the middle of the downpour.
and if they advised not to go outside, they must've snorting something heavier than coke.
because, underneath the water, i was having an intimate moment with Him.
He knew. and, like always, that was all i needed.
after i reentered the lair of filth and dried off, we had a chat.
of course, his head was a million different places, and i didnt feel like pressing it.
but then the facebook status changed. who had been my "relationship" was now no longer that.
he was something else. he was his father's son.
and he didn't give a damn that he was killing me.
my scent, the "don't come near me i'm on the rag" scent that he spoke so lovingly of, was apparently detectable from over 100 miles away.
well, he won't dare come near me now.
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she screamed "claudio-oh"
yes, at one point, this was supposed to have a body. it was never supposed to get posted without one. the fact that it did is pretty typical of how i roll.
anyways, now i need a body, so i'll say this:
i got my phone about 5 months ago, and just 2 minutes ago did I learn how to lock the keypad. That was baffling me for quite some time.
anyways, now i need a body, so i'll say this:
i got my phone about 5 months ago, and just 2 minutes ago did I learn how to lock the keypad. That was baffling me for quite some time.
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(no title)
and then the university bought the building and events turned hysterical.
i wish all things in life lasted as long.
i wish all things in life lasted as long.
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countess and courte-san
the weather felt weird today. it swirled the good and the bad of chicago and just presented itself to me in a way that made it neither pleasing nor displeasing. the only reason i took note was because my mom asked me how the weather had been/was going to be. i tried not to think about it, but she persisted, so i did... i thought about it. it was then that i realized that i couldn't think about something that so accurately cancels itself out.
the last place i'll see for 3 months in chicago is the jew frat. not even my dorm. i'm... conflicted. that's very odd. i don't think it's ok.
the mice are everywhere. they've started pervading my dreams. thank god i'm getting out. i can't take it anymore. they're white, or they're gray, or they're brown, but they're always an unspeakable horror. i don't think the fear is irrational because it's not so much a fear of the mouse so much as it is the fear of the thought or even the fear of the fear of the mouse.
honi got me a really nice birthday gift, and it got me slightly sloshed and i videotaped avi and yuxi. as bradley sarnell says, the only thing more common than a jew dating a jew is a jew dating an asian.
countess and courtesan
fall beneath my tender hand
when their husbands were not around
[historically inacurate. and i can say that because i took an entire course on the courtesan.]
the last place i'll see for 3 months in chicago is the jew frat. not even my dorm. i'm... conflicted. that's very odd. i don't think it's ok.
the mice are everywhere. they've started pervading my dreams. thank god i'm getting out. i can't take it anymore. they're white, or they're gray, or they're brown, but they're always an unspeakable horror. i don't think the fear is irrational because it's not so much a fear of the mouse so much as it is the fear of the thought or even the fear of the fear of the mouse.
honi got me a really nice birthday gift, and it got me slightly sloshed and i videotaped avi and yuxi. as bradley sarnell says, the only thing more common than a jew dating a jew is a jew dating an asian.
countess and courtesan
fall beneath my tender hand
when their husbands were not around
[historically inacurate. and i can say that because i took an entire course on the courtesan.]
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the friendship of acquaintances
"shit. have you ever had that realization that you no longer have any friends, just a lot of acquaintances?"
"yea."
"shit, i've never been a guy, but it seems comparable to getting kicked in the groin."
"it's worse, actually."
"yea."
"shit, i've never been a guy, but it seems comparable to getting kicked in the groin."
"it's worse, actually."
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i’m trying to get this right, cause i’m ridiculous like that
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-Stephen Crane 1899
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."
-Stephen Crane 1899
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ghettolikejamie
About Me
Real Name:
katy mcneil
Birthday:
Jun 10 1988
Disposition:
it's never too cold, only occasionally too icy, for flip-flops
Location:
chicagoill / wwva
Sex?:
-X-
katy mcneil
Birthday:
Jun 10 1988
Disposition:
it's never too cold, only occasionally too icy, for flip-flops
Location:
chicagoill / wwva
Sex?:
-X-
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