I wanted to say a few things about Barbie love.

You know, well maybe you don't. But Barbie movies are great. Not so much for the story. But for the love part of it. Okay, minus the fact that the men have NO NIPPLES.. Thats not that big a deal... But "Ken" really loves Barbie. He wants to spend time with her. He wants to hold her hand and when she's sad, he wants to be that shoulder she cries on. Men aren't like that anymore.

I want to fall in love. Like Barbie and Ken. I want a man to love me that wholely and completely. When he calls me, I want to loose my breath. When he looks in my eyes I want to see myself walking down a sidewalk or down the beach holding hands. I want to see our children growing up in our house. When he touches me, I want to feel the heat of his passion radiating on my skin. Most of all, when he kisses me, I want to feel his need for me burning my soul. I want to know that I am all he needs forever. And no one else will ever be for him. I want to be all or nothing for him...

I don't even want it to be about sex. It's a huge thing for me... But I want to feel complete without it. I know there is someone out there for me... And I know this man will make me feel all the things I said above. If it's raining I want him to take his jacket off and hold it over my head. Not because he thinks it's what I want... But something he thinks is what a gentleman does.

The problem is, I want a thug. Someone who has a gangster look but will do all the things I said.... I know they are out there. They are just all shallow and with all the girls that are too thin. Who don't appreciate what they have when they have it. But the men stay with them cuz they have a good body.

Where are you my perfect man... Not perfect in a "prefect" sense... Just perfect for me. I just want to know.. I know I can make you fall in love with me! I want my Barbie movie.

Wow... I can't believe it's the end of the year already. There are only 2 more days left. But that's okay cuz that means I'm about to be 21 bitchez! I'm so damn excited! I'm gonna hit up all the clubs I couldn't get to before.. I am gonna get drunk and love every minute of it. But don't worry, I'm going out with friends and I'm not stupid enough to go home with some dude at any time. Specially not after I've had a few to many.

Oh man... So I'm here at my friends house. They have issues. Her mother is always in her business. Krystal and her man Austin have their own apartment and don't live with her mom. But the problem is that she can't cut the fuckin cord. It's like if her mom says jump then she says how high. Austin doesn't want to go to her moms house EVERY FUCKIN' DAY. She thinks she is hurting her moms feelings if they don't. But if Krystal tells her mom she doesn't want to come over then her mom gets mad and puts her on some guilt trip. Talkin' about some, "All that man is trying to do is take you away from me." I'd be like cuz yea, I'm supposed to live by your rules and let you control me for my whole life even after I get married and have kids and want to live on my own. FUCK THAT!!!! Hellz no man. Krystal won't wake up and see that her mom is gonna have to get over it. But she just keeps going everytime her mom says jump. Its ridiculous. Then Krystal cries like a baby cuz her man is mad cuz she won't stand up for herself. And cuz her mom is mad that she doesn't ever want to come over.

It pisses me off cuz she is 20 years old and still her mom has her by the scruff of her neck. She needs to get over her mother and live her life the way she wants. What would you do? Would you let you mom control you even after you leave the nest? Another thing is her mom CONTINUALLY puts him down. All he does is sit around and smoke pot. He can't do this, he can't do that. And Krystal just lets her mom say all this shit and doesn't try to stop her. None of what her mom says is true. Last night after the huge fight the two of them got in, I finally had to say something. I told her "Look girl, don't you see what she's trying to do? You know she doesn't want you with him. You know she doesn't like him. Now think about this. Don't you see that she wants you guys to fight. The more you guys fight the more you are going to second guess your relationship. This is what she wants. She wants you to get mad at him and she's hoping that if she involves herself enough then HE'S GOING TO LEAVE YOU! She wants him to leave so you have to come back to her and she will have her puppet back. You need to fuckin forget your mother. Or your man IS going to leave then where would that put you?" That statement put an end to the fighting cuz they both know I'm right. The night after that was better than it had started. Thankfully.

Well for now people I'm going to go. I gotta get ready to take me and my son home. Thanks for listening...

So I know I don't write. But when you don't have a computer or regular access to the internet then it happens. It's not really something that is high on my family priority list. My mom is sick and dying of cancer. My son is almost 4 years old! I'm gonna be 21 in like 2 months! It's crazy cuz I've had this Melo page since I was 15 years old. Wow! Yea, so my divorce is actually final. Got the paper hanging on the wall and everything. I know thats kinda mean, oh well, its not like he was very nice to me. He did cheat on me twice. He lost me my apartment. He owes me! Lol!

Yea, I'm gonna be 21! I'm hoping that I'll be able to go to EVERY strip club there is and I want to go to EVERY bar and just drink myself silly! But that's probably not going to happen and I'm ok with that. Hopefully I'll at least have a boyfriend so that I can get laid. I really need to get laid. Like there is no yesterday................ God I haven't had sex since, August. So 5 months. Thats a looooooong time. Wow.

Moving on tho. So I have a license and a car now! Its and '86 Chrysler LeBaron. Convertible top. Its an old piece of shit but it gets me from A to B. I don't really know what else to say. My life is pretty uninteresting actually. But it's ok. I have come to accept it.

Well I'ma get going. But I will try to post more often now that I have the right password for this thing! Lol! Talk to yall soon!!!!

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Okay so people... This is the song that I dedicate to my husband.. If you know the whole situation, you will understand why I say this. It couldn't be more perfect due to the fact that I love him sooooo much... But for all that then to get........ I don't know, but this song is for the love of my life.

(Baby, I don't know if you know, but I love you. But this song just makes me think.. I have thought about giving up on us for a while now. Then I hear this song and it makes perfect sense. When you call my name or when you just say 'baby, I love you' it makes me sooooo happy and then I don't have the heart to do what I feel I should do. I don't want to give up on us. I want this to work. 3 more months and it will be a year that we have been married. And it is actually only about 2 months and a couple weeks! I just wanted to say this. I had to get it off my chest. And what's sad is that you will never see this so you will never know...)