I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THAILAND ALL OVER AGAIN.

i mean, i was never NOT in love with this place, but being here is just making me want to move back as soon as i can.

i want to live here, work here, grow here, everything here. i love bangkok i love it i love it.

went to ISB today and saw a bunch of old teachers and coaches. it was so great to be back there. sooooo happy right now.

my life has been nothing but shenanigans since i turned 21.

just the experiences ive had at the bars and at the cliffs and beerfest and everything have just been so great for story telling.

this weekend has been nothing shy of unbelievable (in shenans). thursday night was just outrageous once hanna and i combined our stories after being separated during the night.

last nights shenanigans are just never to be spoken of besides the fact that they are never to be spoken of. its like the he-who-shall-not-be-named of shenanigans. TOO GREAT.

and tomorrow hanna and i will continue at the reggae solstice fest. HELL YES.

i love downtown and i love being able to get a margarita at a mexican restaurant and i just love being 21! OHHHH YEAAAA

and my birthday was amazing! im so grateful for all of my loving friends and family! i went dt at midnight on my bday and took loooots of free bday shots! i even did the bull sweat! its tabasco sauce, werchestershire (or however you spell it), gin. vodka, whiskey... and more. its DISGUSTING but i took it like a champ while standing up on the bar!

love love love life

i consider myself a generally happy, friendly and accepting person.

but sometimes i REALLY hate people.

i need to get out of this house. noww.

the other day i decided that i need to move on, once and for all. i need to try and get you out of my (love) life so that i can experience new people, new love, new everything. the time i've spent with you was for the most part awesome, but we definitely had our downs.

i've had to get over you two times before.. and it worked.. i got over you, until my phone beeped and it was a message from you. lets bring it back, how are you, i miss you. things like that.. that beep, that message... its like all the bad things you've done just slip from my memory and i'm head over heels again. you have this grip on me.. and i've never had these feelings for anyone before, ever in my life. i don't even love you.

i think we have some kind of connection.. i understand you and you understand me. i've been there for you and you've been there for me. i get your sense of humor and you listen to my stupid stories. we just clicked. we wanted each other and needed each other.. where is that need now.

weeks before you left you told me you liked me, that we should bring it back.. and we did, and it was amazing. those last few weeks with you were everything i ever wanted. and then once you left it was still great.. then you asked me to come visit.

i drove almost five hours to come see you.. as soon as i got on the 101 i got this feeling in my gut like i was doing the wrong thing. who drives five hours for a guy? what if things went wrong? what if you didn't feel the same way anymore? that's a long drive for that kind of risk and i had never done anything like that before. especially with all my friends telling me i shouldn't go.. that he's not good enough.

i had a great two days with you but i couldn't get that feeling out of my gut for part of the time i was there.. that you were being your old self, resorting back to your old terrible ways. i had that gut feeling that i made a mistake even though at times i definitely felt like i was not. i honestly had a great time with you those two days. everything was fun and it was so good to hang out again.

now that i'm back home and it's been a week since i've seen you, i've decided that i need to try to move on. you did nothing (to my face) but i feel like you did. like you did the "breaking up", but its me thats doing it to myself. i'm telling myself not to text you, i added "NO NO NO" in your name in my phone, i'm trying my hardest not to look at your facebook. i'm the one trying to move on from you. (you've probably already moved on from me. i mean you moved) the last time i did this it seemed easier because you did do something to me.. you hurt me and i was mad so everything was easier... ish. i wish in a way you just did something again so this could be easier.. ish.. but at the same time you kind of did.

i'm hurt, i'm hurting.

everything reminds me of you.. so many times throughout the day i think of you because of a song or a saying or a type of beer or a game or a road or your house or someone elses house or a hot tub or shisha or your friends or driving north or the beach or surfers or pitbulls or islands or traveling or jumping on beds.. the list goes on and on and on. EVERYTHING reminds me of you and all i want is for it to not. i want to get you out of my head so that i won't get hurt anymore. i don't want to hurt anymore.

i know you are not good for me. it was a good run but i know if i keep on wanting you or being with you or thinking about you im just setting myself up for hurt. thats what my friends have been trying to tell me for months and i brushed it off like "i know, but let me do this"

i just want them to say "told ya so" so they can get it out and be happy. cuz they did tell me so.. and i didn't listen. i listened to my heart and ignored my head. not the smartest but it was fun.

right now i am just hurting. that is my feeling... hurt.

that one word can't possibly describe everything thats going on in my head and my heart right now though. it's too simple, and i feel so complicated.

"i want someone to love me for who i am. i want someone to need me is that so bad?" - nick jonas (so judge me.. its a good song!)

my family is moving back to bangkok in a week-ish.. and im leaving to head back to california tomorrow morning.. so tonight is my last night sleeping in this house that i spent 3 years of HS in and a couple years as an alumni visiting back home.

its kinda weird to think that im not gonna come back to this house anymore when i come home.. its gonna be really weird that im going "home" to bangkok and not kl. im sad..

i love this house and i love kl and as hard as it was for me to move here.. its hard as hell to have my family leave. im obviously gonna be spending most of my xmas break next year here in kl again ahah shona/lizzie/anyone.. get ready for me to sleep over hahaha!

its been a great house.. lots of memories.. its also kinda weird cuz im the last one of my friends to move away from the neighborhood.. zeys parents moved, logans parents are in a new house in KL and johns parents moved too.. now im gone.. its such a lame neighborhood now haha.

oh and happy 2010! new decade.. ive now lived in 4.. but im only 20. wo0o0o0ooo0o0o.

welll goodnight. im tired. and new years sure took it out of me.. didnt get to bed till the sun came up.. thanks zouk!