i_am_especial

happy birthday.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Sat.03.13.10 9:15pm

i won't say it to you anymore since we are finally in places that are so far removed from each other that it is peaceful. i am at ease not thinking about you anymore and the mistakes that i made while in love with you. no more ill feelings at the lack of efforts to still be friends. i do not blame you for moving on with your life because i am seeing mine move so beautifully. when i look back at those crossroads we took and used to kick myself at the shattered romance, i am just thankful it's over. no more wastful lies on my part and contemplating this longing for you. God has given you a blessed life and he is giving me one too. before i thought i was being punished by our seperation but now, he was just setting me free from the prison i built myself that surrounded you.

so happy birthday. your life will be well. may life continue to surround you with love because i could not.

peace.

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letting go of loss.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Mon.03.08.10 8:45pm

it's easy to be afraid. the hard part is admitting that there are some things in life that truly get us down. while shutting those bright eyes and crouching in our dreaded fetal position, it's amazing how we ever decided to become brave again. because there is a part of us that is starving to be alive. this hunger that repels luxury for survival. and in that lonely dark hour there is a community of fear breaking free every minute someone else is giving up. there is a prayer for every person that breaks the deep graves of doubt and another prayer for that dying bout of hope.

in the end, let the weak have its glory.

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a plot.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.02.23.10 7:12am

i feel like i am running out of time. nothing is planned and i just cannot stop to think things over. mari jokes for me to miss my flight and stay here. as though she were pleading me to not wake from the dream. but it is undeniable that lives have gone and moved on since high school. they have unraveled beautifully despite all the punk-love drama and the work place hassles. one more week and the clock ticks so fast while the rest of the world here is moving slow and pleasurable. so much has happened in such a small time span. i've made many promises to say good bye again to the people i've met, but they can go highly broken.

sigh. i can't have it all.

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a prologue

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.02.09.10 10:03am

when i think about what will happen in the next two weeks, i am filled with all sorts of excitement. don't mistake this as pessimism, but i've been down this road before. ideally, i want to grip on to everything like the crazy tourist but what seperates me from truly enjoying this vacation is my plan to fit everything that i've missed in my 18 years of residency into the short time span. i know how this plays out and am stepping back into reality. this will be a long plan ride with many glances to my watch as i count down the hours before i get back to guam. then i will ignore that watch for two weeks only to fight hard against the minutes before i board that plane again and resume my adult life. i realize that things are different and that they will feel different. afterall, i am an adult that has been unveiled the difficulties of life. i'll never forget how it feels to walk away from friends and create a future without them. i can't remember how many times i tried to recreate the life i had in guam. but i managed some how as a fledging adult. i did the whole shabang, graduated college, made some mistakes, got me an apartment, have a day job, and fell in love. but for two weeks, i could travel anywhere in the world and i chose to go home. i wonder what i'm expecting but it feels like i'm just warning myself of that lonely plane ride home. i got a taste of it when i visited mariana in arizona during 2007. my boyfriend told me that i really love my friends and paid for my taxi ride to see her again before we headed home. those tears felt like august 2005 all over again.

i cried so hard those days and i'm willing to do it all over again.

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a revolution of resolutions.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Mon.02.08.10 10:20pm

it's so easy to beat myself up. allow myself to cry. defeat is easier to come by than triumph. will i remember these days the most when i am moments away from happiness? or will i remember these days as the happiest days of my life? all this indecision is rooted in fear. i can't measure my circumstance because i am blinded by the fantasy of discontent. i can sit here and wonder about the wordless and unwritten pages of my life and try to do the mathematics of what was different then than now. but they would be useless equations. a history of reworking regrets and counting tears. a history of glorified victories and false emphasis on milestones. while sniffing the best nostalgia, i am wasting away on a personal high as time clicks every second away.

and if there's anything i cannot do in a world so down-trodden, i cannot waste another day.

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if the sun forgets to rise.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Mon.02.08.10 9:03pm

sometimes i look out my car window on a typical day and think, could today be the apocalypse? will these buildings rust tomorrow and will the people wane in the middle of the street at the collapse of the world? or is my doubt speaking above everything else? who am i without praise spilling from the lips of the people around me? sometimes i think i can't hear with all this noise and realize that the day is silent and solemn. the world just seems so different when it's unpredictable outcomes don't reflect the mundane day to day. like everyone, i think life would be a lot easier just dead. but a being above me believes that like i will be like a flower. it will be my time under the sun reflecting a fragrant bloom that brings refreshing hope in a world without boundaries.

and when that day comes, pick me up. lift me up so i may be among that lovely bouquet and hands that will love me.

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toying ideas.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.01.05.10 1:30am
Tags: depression, hope, life lesson

another sleepless night or worrying about the ones i love. i have come to terms with my powerlessness and restrained from my usual attitude of pretending to be omnipotent. i rolled out of my bed and onto the living room floor trying to pen in my physical journal the wordless emotions that are steaming about in my body. my boyfriend comes out of his room and plays with my hair, then hugging me from behind but i feel absolutely nothing. it's not his fault he can't pull me out this daze. he gets up and tries to encourage some sleep for that supposed better tomorrow. if you knew no dialogue in the situation that played in our living room, one would think i was a broken toy being observed by its maker. just as a maker wipes the dust of its creation in the most intimate creases, my boyfriend makes a similar gesture towards my crying eyes. he sense the faint and powerless person with a tomb of worries hidden underneath. he says my name softer and softer but shut him out with a harsher form of passivity.

'til tomorrow. for broken toys are still meant for play.

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the top 10 things i learned this year before 2010.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Wed.12.30.09 12:33pm

1. you're always prettier when you are not paying attention.
2. that winning for the first time is something meant to prove and after all the other winnings and pressure it's just something meant to maintain.
3. work drama is even more work that i don't get paid for. hence, it's not worth the work either.
4. love makes you feel brand new.
5. real friends inspire you without even trying to.
6. i have a smart gut for intuition but not when it comes to food.
7. parents are tough on you because they think it's going to be enough toughness you will receive in life. this preparation is not enough but that's love you can't get anywhere else.
8. that what i've been trained to do is not necessarily what i've been born to do.
9. people are quick to hate and tease but never take enough time to look at their own hypocrisy.
10. giving somebody everything is giving them nothing at all.

Happy New Year!

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My Reaction to more Military Occupation on Guam.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Mon.12.14.09 9:41am
You know you're an adult, when the world around you starts changing enough to worry about how this will affect the kids of today. I look at Guam, my home and do worry also. Growing up, I never knew the exterior factors that shaped me like the American military presence. But that's all I ever longed to become while living there. All I watched was American television. All I wanted was American fashion. All I ever spoke was English. We always blame our parents about the dead and dying culture and they throw the blame right back at us. When I really think about it now, part of us was mesmerized by the allure of America and part of us was submitting ourselves without even knowing. We were all children stuck in the middle of a cultural revolution. We were all the gateway to America and we didn't even know it. I get complimented on my natural ability to acculturate while I live in Nevada. But I look at myself now and trying to hold onto the remainders of what it means to come from and be raised from that island. As I go on my visit next year, all I ever want is to eat the food, hear the dialect, and see the island sites regardless of its breakdown. It's funny how people leave to start new lives and suddenly Guam is now regarded as an "it" place to live. How did anyone ever survive all these changes without getting hurt? It's because we don't know we're getting hurt. Not until we start worrying about the kids again.
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breaking up doesn't mean you're broken.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Thu.12.10.09 3:06pm
no matter how strong or weak you are, break ups hurt all the same. if you asked me months ago what i thought of one person's break up versus this one i heard now, i would have preferred to hear the later. but as it turns out, the fool was me all along. it's best to let your vulnerability take over and wean out all the heartache early on. because if you're anything like me and my second friend, you can sound all strong initially only to find out later in life that you were weak all along. sometimes we just need something to hold onto, like a friend's soothing reassurance or "i told you so" advice, the company of good listener, or the grip of a really good pillow. then there's the question of why did this happen to me? why did it take me so long to see this mistake? and we forget that love is a gamble and it's not so much about the earnings or winnings we take home but the thrill of it all. to feel and find love is grand. to fail and fall out of place is natural. but nature isn't always friendly and neither are we. i think everyone is entitled to the rounds of self pity and cursing rampages. letting go of someone also means letting yourself go.

just don't get lost.
because you're bound to be found by someone new.
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the last lonely idea was picked up and sold for trillions.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.12.08.09 3:33pm
i love having days off because it's a vacation for my mind with out having to fall in deeper and deeper into workplace drama. i get to think about how pretty the trees really are, how friends are growing up, and how warm it gets when you curl yourself in bed with three blankets. but most of all today, i function on my own time. while i set aside the will to draw today's comic, i think about the politics of a bookstore. it's suppose to be a place that's safe and fostering for academics but yet, there's still so much commercialism. today i saw a quija board book that just had letter and numbers in it. that got published? and just how many quote books are out there? how many times do we extract these quotes (maybe out of context) and sell them as gift ideas? and i hate movie adaptation books with movie covers. or how pop culture from 80s like cartoons or older pop culture is dusted off and spinned around all watered down and sold as a new adaptation without even acknoledging the original writer anymore? sure we know about Spider Man's Stan Lee every so often but does anyone remember the original writers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Batman? Astro Boy? Transformers? Maybe from a decade from now, we'll forget the names of Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling after they go through another watered down pop culture metamorphosis. It can be argued that there is no such as an original idea, I mean after all, we're such a "copy and paste" generation. i hope you readers out there consider what kinds of commercial ploys are out there that make and program you to forget where the real credit is due.
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let me tell you all about love.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Sun.12.06.09 1:58am
this is for everyone that feels ugly, neglected, and non-worthy.

pick that smile up. people can't read a sunshine from that cloudy day.
as much as we feel romanced and loved, sometimes we can feel love for so long and forget that it feels precious and warm. we are swayed by the fairytale fantasies we write, but love takes work and is work. it's the work that is worthwhile if you find it worth having and holding. no one's going to read about the greatest love of your life and no one is going to love like you do, but it's not important whether someone hears about that tale because it's the story that keeps on giving. and when someone breaks your heart to the point where you suffocate in the pits of your pity, when that slump is too low to pull yourself out of, you'll never thank the words of wise friends that are wasted on you. i think the misconception about love is that we're supposed to find comfort in finding companionship. while that is part true, love is the part of us that makes us constantly question the threshold of our strength and weaknesses. what does it mean to be lonely? what did it mean to move on? will there ever be someone else? these questions make us human velcro, that latch onto love like it was the guru to life's answers. love is all about the here and now, because what we're facing by ourselves and with others is so profoundly frightening that it's so nice to cling onto a friendly soul in the dark.
and if you're smiling, people see sunshine.

don't forget to love. don't fuck love. don't frighten love.
feel it all up.
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List to do on Guam.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Sun.12.06.09 12:32am
18. Eat a pickled egg.
19. Buy li hing watermelon.
20. Eat at that Vietnamese restaurant near Stephanie's house.
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to do list for Guam:

Submitted by i_am_especial on Thu.12.03.09 12:52am
1. see my old neighborhood.
2. eat at china wok in gpo.
3. go the beach.
4. visit my old schools.
5. have breakfast in denny's and mcdonalds.
6. go to chamorro village.
7. help family out with cooking and cleaning while i stay with them.
8. sip some coffee at cup and saucer.
9. walk around the agana plaza.
10. visit my mom's old coworkers.
11. see two lover's point.
12. see r.s. taitano (gosh i hope i got this right).
13. hug my old teachers.
14. see good friends with thier children.
15.chill with my hometown buddies.
16. eat at jamaican grill and fujiichiban.
17. drink taro milktea with leann.

whew. that's what i am thinking for now. got till feb to sort it all out.
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writing the right.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.11.24.09 3:55am
i am sitting in the cold night air of the balcony in hopes that it will force me back to the warmth of my bed and blanket. tonight, i waited for the clocks to turn so i can make that phone call to Guam. i am not sure if my trouble sleeping is attuned to the several naps taken before this long awaited conversation or the fact that i can't just stop thinking. it's been approximately four years since i've talked to my family in Guam. i am so terrible at keeping in touch because suddenly i've taken interest in the stream of my adulthood. but there was always a certain restlessness in the way that i carried myself. momentarily my friends back home would mend the turbulence inside of me bringing back this beloved island humor that is so rare and enlightening. i cannot tell you how nervous it felt to try and make this phone call. call me petty but i am the queen of anxiety. as i am the queen, i am all the master of concealing it all with the strength of my lying face. but folks, i am weak as i claim all the time to be so strong. as i hung up the phone after talking to my uncle, Guam finally took a permanent place in my heart. it has finally become irreplaceable. i've tried to fill that void many times by falling in love, working, and laughing. i miss my home and i know i say it a thousand times but this time, i mean it. Guam has forced me to take it for granted in order to understand that its value is as rare as its people. i turned to my boyfriend in the middle of the night as he sleeps so well, after all this is home state, a place he's never left. like a child clinging on to her blanket waking up the nearest adult from a dreaded nightmare, he kisses my forehead and that still does not take away this new pain awakened in me. i rummaged for my laptop here in the middle of the night and feel my hands grow numb from the winter cold. it's amazing how i laugh and talk with my loved ones back home. my parents share in the cultural transformation of isolation out here and they too try to channel energies of restlessness into shopping, gambling, and work. as it turns out, they rarely call home as well. what happened to us in the grand scheme of things? while it is important to venture out and evolve from things that are new, we've misplaced all the things that made us whole.

my hands are so numb. but my heart fails to mirror.
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when never is not enough.

Submitted by i_am_especial on Thu.11.19.09 10:18am
it's funny how we begin to sound different only to find that we are finally sounding like our true selves. it's when we quietly consider that, " How are you doing question?" most of the time we shy away from people or give one word answers like, "good," fine," and "well." i'm sure we don't want to unload heaps of venting or sound like drama queens when we see old friends in passing, but i think we deprive ourselves from that long awaited reflection. when it comes to people that matter, the ones we used to or still hold close to, we find ourselves embellishing or admonishing the truth about us. because to us, it's important that the pedestal is still there or the grave we dug is still deep. in the end, we don't know if we're still hurting or healing because the reality is that they both feel the same. if life is just too funny that i think we poke too much fun at ourselves that we never have to cry it out and think it over. sometimes we've reached one emotional reaction too far that we're suffocating ourselves voluntarily. we can't laugh, cry, and think about absolutely everything in our lives because it's easier. so the next time you ask me how i'm doing, be prepared. because let's have that conversation. i'm ready to listen and speak whenever you are.
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starting my new little comic strip website

Submitted by i_am_especial on Tue.05.26.09 12:47pm
http://greenmachinecomix.tumblr.com/

loading comic strips every tuesday!!
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(no title)

Submitted by i_am_especial on Mon.03.23.09 9:02am
i can't write about how it hurts so much. i just want to be over it.
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guestbook

trntyvnll's picture
trntyvnll Mon.02.15.10 2:27pm
Re: if the sun forgets to rise.

thats a pretty entry

evilone's picture
evilone Fri.02.12.10 1:23pm
Re: public

Hello from the random tour

demised_angel's picture
demised_angel Tue.02.09.10 10:43pm
Re: a prologue

i know what you mean about that plane ride, but you'll be fine. wiggle your toes in the sand for me, k?

i_am_especial's picture
i_am_especial Mon.02.08.10 8:45pm
Re: public

thanks for the tip!

angel_onda_line's picture
angel_onda_line Mon.02.08.10 4:36am
Re: the top 10 things i learned this year before 2010.

i may be late on reading this...but i love it...maybe i'll make one of my own

brandillio's picture
brandillio Thu.02.04.10 9:28am
Re: public

your page looks funky because of code. you need to edit your profile info or at least resave it. that should fix it.

laughingoutloud's picture
laughingoutloud Sun.01.17.10 3:24am
Re: public

hey when you can get back to me, I need you. I love you Jean!!! by the way congrats on your mural. (did I spell that correctly?) Anyway. please... when you can, love ya. take care, say hi to the boyfriend for me!

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