I am kinda down at the moment. I want to clean up this house, I want to make it nice...I want to paint it pretty colors and have it look good.

Even though this house was the worse purchase we ever could have made.

However my guy doesn't want to. He seems fine with it being a pit. We never did organize when we moved in. Ever. He immediately started school, and I immediately started a new job. Then there was a wedding to plan and deal with...

Why can't we make the best of this crappy situation. Why can't we just clean and organize and at least make it presentable...I don't feel we can even have people over with the mess it is in.

Why does everything with the house have to result in some kind of argument. I want to turn this lemon into some kind of lemonade...but it seems that I am the only one.

Best just let the clutter stay where it is and not get in yet another argument when I don't want to argue. Why did things have to get so bad so fast with this crappy economy? It's making things strained between myself and my guy.

My guy is all kinds of crabby at the moment.

We bought our shiny new house all of 2 years ago...and all it's done is gone down and down in value.

His sister just bought a house, it's relatively new, in a great neighborhood, HUGE, and of course, cost less than ours.

So he's in the land of the mopers. I have no idea what to do with him. Ok, so we blew it, we bought when things weren't their cheapest...Fine...But there's just not much I can do about that. I can't return the house, we could walk away from it, ruin our credit, and in 3 years buy another house...but my guess is by then housing will have gone up again...We could buy yet another house, rent this one out at a loss, and eventually sell this house when the prices go back up again.

Of course, he still has had no luck finding a job. I am sure some of that has to do with this.

In some ways, I feel like all of this is my fault. I wanted a house, it was my idea to buy one, it was my money we used for a deposit..

SERIOUSLY.

He's in fucking MENSA guys.
He got an A- average in GRAD SCHOOL, fucking no one does that good.
He speaks 2 languages.
He got awards for being so amazing in grad school.
He's super smart and can compute large numbers in his head.
He's amazing people, has a great work ethic, and will do a great job.
He has an MBA already.
SO WHY CAN'T HE FUCKING FIND A JOB!

Dear economy.

Screw you! You fucking suck, and not in the good way. I am sick of hearing how bad you are...Hurry up and get fixed already.

Thanks bunches...
Jane

But at least it's over. One handed typing blows. Pain meds are good. That is all for now.

Um, it's been a roller coaster of a month. Rather than give you drawn out details...I'll just bullet point things.

: My guy graduated from gradschool, Obama was the keynote speaker, amazing speech...Alice Cooper sang...He's as old as dirt.

: Brother got married. I had to wear a dress the same color as my guy's cap and gown...similar material too. Bubble skirts should not be on a dress with an empire waist. Either way, he got married, I didn't kill the bratts, I mean ringbearers who slugged each other down the isle, and the bottom part of the bride's dress looked a lot like the Matterhorn at Disneyland and the top...well...at least she stayed IN the dress, yes there was concern she'd fall out. I had no clue how much my brother's bride's cup..um...runnith over.

: Saw Nine Inch Nails and Janes Addiction play...NIN is worth the show...Jane's Addiction...Well...I guess I hadn't realized how amazingly gay the lead singer is...and how not out he is about it...Sure made that concert...Interesting.

: Guy still has no job. We are officially on one income...Mine. This is going to be fun.

: I have successfully avoided my Mother as much as humanly possible for awhile.

: I put in 50-60 hour work weeks the last 3+ weeks of school. Sucked. Meetings till 6 or 7 most nights...I am suppose to finish work at 4. Had a parent yell at me for no reason, that was exciting. NOT.

: My surgery for my hand is scheduled for the 1st.

: I have officially begun my first summer with no work since...Maybe...Jr. High. Not sure I will know what to do with myself other than heal from surgery. Whee.

So far I have managed to forget 2 of my closest friend's birthdays...and I fear that number may actually be 3. I am a douch of a friend.

And that...Is my life in the sun. Whee.

Some days are just...Long and gut wrenching. Today was a gut wrenching day for me.

At work, we had a meeting to tell the results of a ton of testing on a child to her mother. It was....soooo difficult. This child needed to be reclassified from "visually impaired" to "Moderately Mentally retarded". Of course, the result was the mother breaking down and crying. She asked us if her daughter would ever learn to read. We had to tell her we didn't think so. Her daughter is in 2nd grade and still can't identify her own name, let alone the letters of the alphabet.

It broke my heart to break this mom's heart.

Her daughter is the only surviving sibling of quintuplets. Now we are not talking "Octomom" I decided to have quints...She NATURALLY became pregnant with quints. The thing is, humans are not cats. We are not physically made to have more than, at most, give birth to 3 children at one time. This mom is from a low socioeconomic status, who knows how much prenatal care she was able to get. The other 4 babies didn't survive. Just imagine the amount of grief this poor mom has had to endure from that experience alone. Then to have the one remaining child come out with so many issues. She is missing all the fingers and only has a stump of a thumb on her dominant hand. Her other hand is formed perfectly fine. She is blind in one eye and has poor vision in the remaining eye. She also has mental delays, and it takes YEARS to learn what other children learn quickly.

It's so hard having to break the reality...and kill this parent's dreams. No one wants to give birth to a special needs child. I would assume when a person finds out they are pregnant, all kinds of dreams are made by the happy parents to be for the future of their child. It kills me that today we probably had to kill this mom's dreams.

Now don't get me wrong, her child is a fun spunky little being, and will live a happy, productive life. She just won't be able to read, write, or work a high paying job. She will probably have work that is through a government program, may live in an apartment with assistance from "caretakers" etc. She has a future. It's just not the future this mom wanted for her baby.

This is the part of my job that kills me.

This evening I met with a friend for dinner. I actually was her boyfriend's friend first....but she and I have a lot in common and I have really gotten to know her well over the years.

I tried to be a good friend. But it's hard, because by being a good friend to her, I have to be a bad friend to her boyfriend.

Basically, he has just treated her horribly. It's miserable to watch. And I hated myself for doing it, but I honestly had to advise her to break up with him. She's miserable with him. He's miserable in general. The whole situation is just not working. I am a firm believer that sometimes it's best to cut your losses and run. In this case, he is not the one for her...She knows he is not the one for her. She does not want to have children with him, and she wants children. He can't pay for his own existence...let alone pay her for some of the rent he owes.

So in being a good friend to her, I had to be a bad friend to him. I feel hella guilty. He helped me out in a time when most of my "friends" abandoned me.

I wish I could tell my friend "I am so sorry, but she needs to go, and you helped her learn that, you made the bed...I am sorry you chose this behavior...but I had to help her find her happiness. You have chosen to not allow yourself happiness. You are getting what you want, to wallow in your misery...I just helped her find what she wants too."

I wish I could tell him all these things...Reality hits tho, and I don't think I can....I don't think he'll listen anyway.

Sometimes...Other peoples drama, weighs on my heart more than I can express.

So yeah, my Godmother kicked it today, at the ripe old age of 87.

I guess I should feel oodles of sadness, be crying, yada yada.

Um...I'm not.

My dad thankfully was the one to tell me the news. He is MUCH calmer about this kind of stuff. Basically it was a phone call made at the end of the day, very simple, to the point.

I am so thankful that for the first time ever they listened to me.

I didn't have to deal with my Mother's onslaught of emotions, raw, unchecked, thrown at me. She of course is in the "depths of despair". Nonfunctional as usual.

I don't know what to say. She was my beloved Grandmother's sister...She was my Godmother...She (rightfully) favored my cousins (her grandchildren). She was high maintance and manipulative (like most of the women in my family)....and I just didn't know her all that well.

Meh. Whatcha goinna do? 87 is a great age to live to. She had 3 children, 5 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren when she died. It sounds like it was a fast painless death. She outlived all her sisters and of course her parents. Her husband was long gone, and her boyfriend passed earlier this year. There is just not much else to say.

I am happy she is at peace...If that is what happens.

On a more cheerful topic...I made sushi tonight...and it was Fabulous.

I had an interesting weekend. The guy and I did a turn around trip to California. We went out to go to his best friend's house warming party. I had no idea what to expect as I had only met his girl twice before and did not know their friends at all.

After a 6 hour drive...We arrived. The house is in Orange, California. It was a nice house with a great backyard.

The party was ok...I talked to a speech therapist who was fun to chat with...and I ended up really enjoying the "older ladies" group. They consisted of my honey's friend's mom, the girlfriend's mom, and two older lesbians who had gotten married in that tiny window where it was legal for gay people to marry in California.

It disgust me that they have to fight to keep their marriage.

Other than that though...I felt very awkward...There was a lot of heavy drinking.

I am a geek...I don't like to drink a lot. It makes me feel gross. I get dehydrated easily. I get migranes all the time. The last thing I want to do is get a hangover headache when I could avoid one.

I did drink more than I normally do...I had about 3 glasses of wine, which for me was quite a buzz. Someone had a breathalizer...some joke of a gift from some old party. It turned into a "yeah you are sooo drunk" party. Gah. Like being absolutely blasted is a good thing. I blew the stupid thing, and was at .02. That's no where near the limit where I could not drive legally...Yet I still would NOT have touched a car at that moment. It was interesting to think about.

Toward the end of the night, most of the people had left...and it was myself, my guy, his friend and his girl, and 2 other girls and 2 other guys. The girls were really drunk at this point in time. They decided to play crappy 90's music and dance. REALLY crappy music. Like Vanilla Ice and Millie Vanilli crappy music. The crap I was forced to listen to in high school in the bus on my way to and home from school. Then said drunk girls decided that I was going to dance with them. Gee folks...Thanks. They sat there saying over and over with their drunk too close to me, "come on, we like you, dance, come on you know you want to". It was aweful.

Now I'd like to take a moment to admit that I love to dance, but for me I like either to do swing dancing, or "goth" dancing. I do not dislike dancing. I just don't want to dance because someone else decides that I am going to dance. I also really hate the music they were playing and that just doesn't make me feel like dancing. Sorry girls, the shit you all liked while you were in Jr. High is the crap I hated while I was in high school.

I can't tell you how much I felt like Daria Morgendorfer at some high school party where I didn't fit in and didn't want to be. I couldn't hold back the sarcastic remarks, and I just felt like didn't belong.

It reminded me why I left California. I didn't fit in too well there. There is a materialism in SoCal that I just don't get. I am not into "one upping" people, or competing, or whatever. I just don't value that. I don't like loud parties where the goal is to "get drunk". I value connection, intelectual banter, TALKING to people. I don't want to be forced to dance. I know who I am and what I like, I also know what I don't like. I am not interested in what others are doing, I just want to do what works for me.

I guess I may need to find an alternative...I don't think Zonieland is working for me, but Cali has never worked for me. EVER. Not as a kid, not in grad school, not really after grad school..and it didn't work for me last weekend. There are elements about Cali that I like...and elements of zonieland I like...but I am not sure moving back to Cali is a wise move, or staying in Zonieland will work in the long term. Maybe there is a third option. Maybe its time the guy and I do some travel to see if there is some amazing place we haven't considered just yet.

My honey is graduating this May...and Obama is speaking at his graduation! It's so AWESOME! He wasn't even going to go to graduation...Now we have a gown hanging in our closet.

In another hopefully equal note...My guy might have found employment. Now it's not a position doing finance, the thing he has been studying for andw e have been paying for the past two year for...but it would be teaching the prep courses to pass the enterance exams. My guy is uber smart and missed a whopping 2 questions on his enterance exam. So he is a shoe in for the position. Let's keep our eyes crossed or something to get him some good luck!

Well, I made it through the wedding shower for the future sister-in-law.

I guess I should go farther back. I told my Mom that I wanted nothing to do with this shower. She stuck my name on it as "cohost" anyway, but I told her I was not interested in doing much other than showing up.

I know that is horrible of me, but the reality is it was a survival strategy.

My future sis-in-law is one of those folks who is NEVER happy with anything. EVER. She always has about 10 complaints about everything. She is the sort of person who could get the winning lottery ticket on a cloudless day and have the perfect dinner, and STILL find something to complain about. This has left me not wanting to bother to try. Why try to do things for a person when you know you are just going to get slapped in the face? Seriously. There is not point.

So I refused to help with a damn thing. First of all, my mother is not the person who should have thrown her this shower. That should have either been HER mother or HER Maid of honor! So my Mother was just asking for it. Second, my Mom doesn't work. She sits at home doing nothing all day long. She has the time for this nonsense that I just don't.

I also refused to help clean my mom's house. Again, she doesn't work. SO I don't understand why she can't clean. Basically to avoid all prepwork for the event, I hid in the bedroom reading, then got my haircut, took my time getting dressed...and refused to lift a finger to help. Soooo I'm a dick. Don't care. Why bother.

Apparently the future sis-in-law did not invite her friends. Or if she did they didn't show. The entire shower consisted of 4 old ladies, myself, my Mom, and the future bride. That's it. 7 people total.

Soooo with the geriatric croud...The shower basically consisted of old ladies complaining about health issues. Ohh and this one lady telling us war stories about raising her ADHD son who got in a serious motor cycle crash several years ago and has serious traumatic brain injury.

Talk about an upbeat event!

Still she got a ton of gifts...She didn't seem even the slightest bit excited about most of them, including the 400.00 DELUX kitchenaid Mixer she whined to get.

Bitch.

But I survived...and a friend and I went for sushi to debrief.

What a waste of time.

Ohh, and I wond the bridal bingo...and gave the future bride my gift as I didn't want it anyway.

Are some of you in states that are not experiencing much in regards to this beautiful flop in our economic market? I am just curious...Because my state seems go be going to hell and can't even afford the fucking handbasket.

Sooo LOTS of budget cuts have seriously affected little ole moi.

First: The school districts got their budget cut in the middle of the school year. This has not happened in the MIDDLE of a year in the past 20 years or so. Usually they cut the next years budget, not the CURRENT years budget.

So in turn, my boss tells me that she has gotten several applications for my position today. Sooo I may not be working in the same school district next year. Sigh. This district is not the best, but it is definately NOT the worst. The caseload is manageable, and I get along with most of the staff. I am a contract worker, not a district employee. I don't want to be a district employee, as it would lead to a serious paycut (like 20 grand), being the district's bitch, and other fun.

I also got a paycut for my part time job. The government here has SERIOUSLY cut funding for children with special needs. In this state if you are 0-3 years of age you will receive NO therapies starting March 1. This is a horrible idea. The younger the child gets therapy, the quicker and better they progress. The only kids in that age bracket who will get therapy, are those who are SEVERLY delayed...Not as in cerebral palsy or Down syndrome, no like in a coma...delayed. They also cut all therapy rates by 10%. So there is my paycut. Along with that, they cut all music therapy, respit and habilitation.

Music therapy...well...they do kinda do things therapists in my field do...So I guess I can see why. Respit and habilitation are forms of free childcare and teaching splinter skills to kids. Kids with special needs have a very high abuse rate, something like 80%. Cutting these services may increase that rate.

They also cut the funding for medical coverage for people on disability. This means the mother of the kid I work with will no longer have her medication paid for. This is SERIOUSLY not good.

They have reduced casemanagers both for the kids with the disabilities, and for the kids suffering from abuse. They are requiring the remaining casemanagers to take on extra work, and have a mandatory "Furlough" (day of no work and no pay) every 2 weeks. This is a seriously BAD idea. The casemanagers who work with the abused kids, are now being told to "prioritize" their referrals. So instead of checking EVERY abuse claim that comes in, they are only suppose to check the "seriously bad" abuse claims that come in.

I forsee some kid dying because of this. How can anyone possibly know how bad an abuse situation is, without even going to the house and meeting the family?

And these are just the cuts that I am aware of because they directly affect me.

Obama's plan to help homeowners...Doesn't apply to people like me. I am in one of the 4 states hit hardest by the houseing crisis. So despite the fact that I pay my bills, and I pay my mortgage...I don't qualify. My house, that is all of 1.5 years old, has lost more than 5% of its value....So I don't qualify. My house has actually lost over 50% (possibly even 60%) of it's value at this point...SO, I will not qualify for the ability to consolidate and reduce my interest rate to 4%. If I could do this, I would be able to save something like 400.00 a month. But I can't.

My husband continues to apply for jobs, and continues to get no call backs. He is applying to one job that would be an hour drive away. Not good.

So yeah, the economy busting has hit me hard...How about you? Is it just us Zonies who are in hell or are their others?

I occasionally have dreams that come true. It's never really anything important or earth shattering. It sure does leave me with one hell of a freaky sense of de'ja'vu tho.

I remember one of my earliest dreams that came true. I remember dreaming that my mother was wearing her navy tank top with white and red edging around the armholes, and unloading the dishwasher.

I must have been under 7 at that time.

I woke up that morning, and there was my mom in that top unloading the dishwasher.

Talk about earth shattering dreams. NOT.

I do remember having dreams about several of my jobsites months or years before they happen. It's really hard to explain. For example, I remember having one of those dreams, and waking up and telling my now exboyfriend about it. I remember telling him that I dreamed I worked in California and I was at work, doing a project with a child and enjoying my job. I remember that in the dream, he and I were no longer together because I was talking to another therapist about staying in Cali permanently as there was no reason to leave at that time.

Several years later. I remember when that dream came true. It wasn't awe inspiring or anything. I just remember working with a certain child doing a certain task and talking to that therapist about staying in Cali. My ex had been gone over a year at that time.

Some places trigger more dreaming and more de'ja'vu for me than others. It's weird but summer camp was ALWAYS a hotbed for me of these kinds of dreams. I went to several different summer camps too.

My guy doesn't really believe me. Gotta love my Athiest. He isn't condecending about it...I just can tell he doesn't think I can predict the future through dreams. Even if they are very insignificant dreams.

I wish I'd have a dream about my shiny new husband getting a job that he likes doing what he has spent the past 2 years studying to do. Haha.

I don't think it works like that.

Sometimes, my shiny new husband...Gets in the most pesimistic mood. It's one of those, "the Sky is Falling" kinda of Eyore moods.

Lately it's been the fact that the economy has tanked and how it has affected our finances.

I am usually able to push aside his melodrama (how appropriate for this site) and not let it affect me.

Last night...I couldn't.

I feel like part of the mess is my fault. After 10+ years of living in apartment after crappy apartment, dealing with neighbors screaming at each other, flooding toilets, and the drab white walls of an apartment. I wanted a house. I make good money....So we assumed we'd be fine.
Our first big financial investment together.

Shortly after he decided to persue grad school. I encouraged him. After all more education in that kind of jobfield is good. He got loans to cover the expenses that my salary alone couldn't quite cover. We assumed he'd be able to find a job here in one of the US's 5 largest cities and one of the top business schools in the country.

Flash forward to now.

The house has lost half it's value. In less than 2 years. We can't sell it, and can't rent it out high enough to pay mortgage.

There are no jobs to be had. Most companies are not interviewing. Some are but they aren't hiring.

He went to a school career fair...All the companies there are looking for free intern, not MBA students.

He can't find a job. He told me he regrets going to grad school. Before he went to school he had a job that paid 40K a year. Now he will be lucky if he can find a job that will pay him 30K. He feels like his degree was a waste of time and money. Had he not gotten the degree, we'd have a ton less debt and a ton more money.

I tried to find that window when talking with him last night. Every suggestion I had...He had already done or wouldn't work.

I finally gave up and just cried.

Maybe he was right all along. He wasted his time, life and our money.

We are fucked financially and I feel like it's my fault. He keeps assuring me it's not...But he wasn't really ready to "settle down"...and of course I was. He sacrificed his wonderlust of forign countries and living...for me.

It made me think that maybe I should have let him break up with me before he left to go overseas so many years ago. He would have traveled more, and probably stayed longer overseas. I was selfish...and begged to at least "try" a long distance relationship.

I feel like I held him back by staying with him.

I can't go back...and I am glad in my selfish way that we are still together...but I just wonder...Would he be happier if he had wondered more...If he hadn't bought a house...Would he have gone to an Ivy League school....Would THAT have gotten him a job? Did I unintentionally ruin my guy?

He can't find work...The months to graduation draw nearer.

It looks like no summer honeymoon for us.

I may not be able to go to Guadalajara to learn to speak spanish better. I will probably auction myself off to the highest bidder for summer work. BLEH...I will probably have to work for a skilled nursing facility...Basically where old folks go to live till they die.

I can work more hours at my second job next year...but I admit it will exhaust me. I already have a crazy physical and draining job. I can't really work more than 4 extra hours a week without literally hitting a wall.

I feel so helpless and so lost.

We are fucked...and it makes me really sad.

Ok Seriously....No seriously....

First let me say...WHO THE HELL PUTS AN UMPIRE WASTED DRESS WITH A BUBBLE SKIRT?

Sigh....I am going to look pregnant no matter what I do in a nightmare like that thing...GAH!

Second. I HATE the wedding business....

I normally wear a womans size 10-12. That is a very average size for most Americans. I do not have to shop in a special store for chubby women, all stores carry my size...Maybe not the preteen stores, but I have no issues shopping almost anywhere.

I went to the 9th circle of hell (aka David's Bridal) and got measured. They told me that their dresses run small, and that I'd be either a 12 or a 14 in their dresses.

Unfortunately for me my stupid brother's fiance did not chose to go with David's bridal. Ohhh no, she had to go to a expensive designer location for the fucking dresses. I don't live in the same state, so I had to call in my measurements.

Apparently those fuckers run SUPER small. LIKE phnomenally small. I apparently have to order a size....18. Now for those who don't know women's sizes....I normally wear a 10 or a 12, an 18 is 3 to 4 full sizes larger than what I normally wear. Women who wear a size 18 often have to shop in speciality stores for larger "full figured women".

Here's the rub. Any dresses ordered size 18 or more get an automatic $40.00 "extra fabric" fee.

Not to mention the extra 20.00 shipping fee I will have, and the unknown "rush" fee I will need to pay for this fucking dress because my stupid brother's fiance didn't get the dress info to us till seriously late. (she had 2 years to plan this....)

Talk about a money suck! a 40.00 "fat girl fee" a "20.00" out of town fee and an unknown "rush fee" for a dress that was already $160.00

I am sooooo appauled and enraged by the fat girl fee. I exercise and eat healthy, as in a diet of low suger, low salt, low carbs, and high in fiber. I work out with a trainer. I am by no means fat folks. This is highway robbery and a pathetic way to nickle and dime each person who has to order these damn dresses.

It makes me want to scream!