knaurelius
long time no see
Its been almost a year since my last entry, but the problem is the same as reported in the last post. Basically I'm going to love the man I love because I live in fear that I'm going to get hurt, and because I am still trying to figure out how to trust him completely. I've been a real bad girl friend, looking through his email, facebook, anything that I know his password for. I do this because I have found things in the past, messages, but nothing more. No evidence of meeting up or persuing anything with these random girls, just flirtations. But since I found those things a year ago, there has been nothing, not a single thing that suggests that he is messing around. You'd think that after a year I'd get the hint, but sometimes, I am weak, and I let my insecurities eat at me. Its not until we're already fighting that I realize that I was the one that was wrong, again. He says I need to take control of my thoughts, but after nearly 2 years of not being able to, I don't think I ever will.
I feel so defeated.
I feel so defeated.
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[new entry]
wow...haven't written here in nearly half a year. let's see, what happened since then:
found a new apartment, will move in less than a month.
money is still tight, that's not new.
my hours were sliced in half.
i (obviously) have yet to find a better job.
o yes, and i've realized that i've managed to screw up every happy moment my boyfriend and i have had together.
we finally went to the christmas party together, after years of wanting to walk in hand in hand. then i get mad because he wasn't at our (empty) table towards the end of the night. where was he? playing poker with our friends in the center table. i say "our friends" because it was with the people i actually get along with. he was in plain sight, yet i was still angry that he wasn't with me. to make me feel even worse, he was trying to win us money so we would have a good weekend. crap, i am a crappy person.
the lastest screw up (on my part), was last night. we had a wonderful week where everything was working out, between us, with his job, things at home, things with the new apartment. and he came home and told me he found a cheap memory foam bed for us for the new place while he was with a co-worker who was looking for a TV. (this was all work related, by the way.) he also found a good couch, since he knew i wanted a new one when we moved. he was honestly excited to deliver the good news. but was i appreciative that my boyfriend was thinking about me, and about our future? no, i reacted with major attitude because i wasn't there, because he was looking with someone else.
i am so fucking stupid. i can't see a good thing even if it bitch slapped me across the face...
found a new apartment, will move in less than a month.
money is still tight, that's not new.
my hours were sliced in half.
i (obviously) have yet to find a better job.
o yes, and i've realized that i've managed to screw up every happy moment my boyfriend and i have had together.
we finally went to the christmas party together, after years of wanting to walk in hand in hand. then i get mad because he wasn't at our (empty) table towards the end of the night. where was he? playing poker with our friends in the center table. i say "our friends" because it was with the people i actually get along with. he was in plain sight, yet i was still angry that he wasn't with me. to make me feel even worse, he was trying to win us money so we would have a good weekend. crap, i am a crappy person.
the lastest screw up (on my part), was last night. we had a wonderful week where everything was working out, between us, with his job, things at home, things with the new apartment. and he came home and told me he found a cheap memory foam bed for us for the new place while he was with a co-worker who was looking for a TV. (this was all work related, by the way.) he also found a good couch, since he knew i wanted a new one when we moved. he was honestly excited to deliver the good news. but was i appreciative that my boyfriend was thinking about me, and about our future? no, i reacted with major attitude because i wasn't there, because he was looking with someone else.
i am so fucking stupid. i can't see a good thing even if it bitch slapped me across the face...
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HELP!!! HOW TO TRUST??
.how do you trust someone when you're scared,
.when you feel vulnerable,
.when there's a reason why you can't,
.when they have a bigger reason to distrust you,
.but still trust you anyways,
.HOW???
...my insecurities are fucking up the relationship im in...
help.
.when you feel vulnerable,
.when there's a reason why you can't,
.when they have a bigger reason to distrust you,
.but still trust you anyways,
.HOW???
...my insecurities are fucking up the relationship im in...
help.
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my poor kitty :(
my cat has been sick for the past week.
he's usually playful, attentive, feisty...
but lately he's been weak, too weak to get up at all.
i took him to the vet yesterday and they kept him over night.
i finally got a call this morning from them.
my kitty is in the late stages of feline leukemia.
i'm going to have to put him down.
i am so sad right now.... im at work and i can't stop tearing when i think about him. :(
this is a picture of him when my brother first bought him on his birthday 3 years ago.
my brother's birthday is tomorrow, and i have no idea how to break the news to him.
:(
he's usually playful, attentive, feisty...
but lately he's been weak, too weak to get up at all.
i took him to the vet yesterday and they kept him over night.
i finally got a call this morning from them.
my kitty is in the late stages of feline leukemia.
i'm going to have to put him down.
i am so sad right now.... im at work and i can't stop tearing when i think about him. :(
this is a picture of him when my brother first bought him on his birthday 3 years ago.
my brother's birthday is tomorrow, and i have no idea how to break the news to him.
:(
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ramblings and retrospect.
so yesterday my co-worker asked to borrow my car to pick up lunch, only to find out her and two others actually took my car and went out for lunch because they "didn't have enough gas." i guess i was a little frustrated/irritated/stressed that i took it out on my boyfriend:( we didnt talk for most of the day. i wrote a myspace blog about it, and looking back at it...it's kinda silly now:
my heart is in my stomach.
i want desperately to close my eyes and wish it all away.
i cant be this person
.I AM TOLD THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
i feel as tall as this period.
they changed the time on my clock.
but i don't care, i don't feel stepped on, i don't feel used. i don't feel misunderstood.
screw expectations. i really don't want anything else. i guess i don't deserve more.and that's fine. i lived without them before, i can do it again.
i want to cry but i don't think im allowed to cry when i get home. so fuck it. who gives a shit these days anyways.
its a fucking busy world. too busy for tears. and there not enough hours in the day to understand.
the little things are nothing. be resilient. let everything slide. forget all my convictions. the LITTLE things that counted. they are non existent.
my heart is no longer on my sleeve. its locked away again.
later at home, we talked, and he made me feel better about everything, and reminded me about everything i have to be thankful for.
this was his response:
Misunderstood
Look into her eyes
You can't read her
She's not a book
You can analyse
She's deeper
More complex
Than you could ever imagine
Like an ancient language
That needs translation
A horizon
That is beyond reach
An abyss
So dark and mysterious
Where the concept of time
Is foreign
Yet still you strive
To peel away
The layers
That are part of her
In order to glimpse
Her true identity
But you
Will never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just don't understand
Why I have to demand
for you to be like me
You feel differently about things, thats just how it is
You keep spinning around
Finally you hit the ground
but don't know how to get back up
Can no longer breathe
But still you continue down the same line
Wishing you were fine
Who am you, what are you, can someone help
I wish someone cared more
I used to make you feel good
Now I make you feel misunderstood
sigh. he's such a great guy. i hope i don't fuck this up with my insecurities.
my heart is in my stomach.
i want desperately to close my eyes and wish it all away.
i cant be this person
.I AM TOLD THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
i feel as tall as this period.
they changed the time on my clock.
but i don't care, i don't feel stepped on, i don't feel used. i don't feel misunderstood.
screw expectations. i really don't want anything else. i guess i don't deserve more.and that's fine. i lived without them before, i can do it again.
i want to cry but i don't think im allowed to cry when i get home. so fuck it. who gives a shit these days anyways.
its a fucking busy world. too busy for tears. and there not enough hours in the day to understand.
the little things are nothing. be resilient. let everything slide. forget all my convictions. the LITTLE things that counted. they are non existent.
my heart is no longer on my sleeve. its locked away again.
later at home, we talked, and he made me feel better about everything, and reminded me about everything i have to be thankful for.
this was his response:
Misunderstood
Look into her eyes
You can't read her
She's not a book
You can analyse
She's deeper
More complex
Than you could ever imagine
Like an ancient language
That needs translation
A horizon
That is beyond reach
An abyss
So dark and mysterious
Where the concept of time
Is foreign
Yet still you strive
To peel away
The layers
That are part of her
In order to glimpse
Her true identity
But you
Will never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just don't understand
Why I have to demand
for you to be like me
You feel differently about things, thats just how it is
You keep spinning around
Finally you hit the ground
but don't know how to get back up
Can no longer breathe
But still you continue down the same line
Wishing you were fine
Who am you, what are you, can someone help
I wish someone cared more
I used to make you feel good
Now I make you feel misunderstood
sigh. he's such a great guy. i hope i don't fuck this up with my insecurities.
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i just want one
i just want one day where i can close my eyes and pretend my insecurities and anxieties don't exist.
i want to trust. i want certainty. i want my head to stop questioning everything.
i want to trust. i want certainty. i want my head to stop questioning everything.
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