Monday I had five teeth extracted. Four impacted wisdom teeth and one broken tooth. The whole experience was unpleasant, as expected. The office people were rude, 9 months ago was the last time I was in there and they were supposed to call me back to get me into surgery a little more soon after that, but they lost my charts and everything and didn't bother trying to get in touch with me through my dentist. It's partially my fault because I didn't even think about it, until I realized I was about to lose my insurance due to my 26th birthday.
Anyway, so nine months later I'm sitting there with the surgeon passive-aggressively bitching at me for not having updated x-rays and if I was there nine months ago, they would have a better idea of what was going on in my mouth. They also kinda bitched at me for my dad just dropping me off. Which, I can understand that they want someone there for when you go under anesthesia, but they made it sound like he was just going to abandon me. Acted like I was just going to walk home after the ordeal. After the "exam" they took me back to the desk and asked me for my payment. (I've never had a surgery where I've paid upfront. That was odd.) but considering I lost my job and had 160 bucks at the time, I asked if I could make a payment for $100. The lady at the desk looked at me like I was the worst person in the world, told me no but then went back to talk to someone and said that I could.
The only lady that seemed to be nice was the lady who put the IV in me. That was pretty great, I've never had such a stress-free experience with that kind of situation. Most people kinda just shove the needle in and make me sad, she gave me a nice little red car to squish and hold onto and it made things go pretty easily. I was out in no time and it only took about 45 minutes. I did wake up before they urged me to wake up and for those moments I was terrified I wasn't supposed to be awake yet because they were still tooling around in my mouth. It was only about a minute and a half before they started urging me to wake though. They wheeled me into my dad's car (he didn't abandon me!) and I just remember being told I looked like a stoned chipmunk and I wanted to play with a bird who was perched on a wooden railing that had something green in it's mouth.
Vicodin and sleep came next. I ended up missing a really good call from Massage Envy to work at their front desk. I had Toby call them back to explain but didn't get very far. I intend to talk to my school about it Tuesday since they tend to partner up and refer students for employment and such. Monday and Tuesday I kept falling asleep in mid-conversation, in the middle of a yogurt and couldn't really eat at all, much less get a spoon in my mouth. I was worried about my mouth being unable to close. My cheeks got progressively more puffy and bruised and the blood kept coming and coming. My surgeon called me later Monday night, which I thought was cool because he didn't say shit to me after the surgery.
That was about it. Pain and blood and inability to eat. Yesterday was the first day I was able to actually brush my teeth and it was amazing. A stitch also came out which freaked me out, but another one came out today and nothing catastrophic has happened. I also came home today, having spent the week at Toby's in recovery. He was an awesome nurse, and while I couldn't lay in bed with him for two nights, he crashed on the floor next to me while I was a blob on the couch. We watched Seinfeld for most of the week and toward the end I was able to get moving and play some Sims.
Only a few residential incidents occurred while I was there (He lives in a less than classy area of town.) The house across from his apartment had something inside on fire and three fire trucks showed up blocking both ends of the street with no ambulance to be found. The firemen worked for maybe 4 minutes and stood around chatting for an hour. The next day a grown naked man went running down one of the side streets and almost got hit by a car. Tomorrow I go into bank account closing adventures and biking around, back to looking for gainful employment and starting the last semester of my school.
The last semester. I am so fucking excited but also crippled in fear of requirements needed to pay for stuff. I've been over it, don't want to beat a dead horse but I need a job!
I was too lazy to retype all this out so I c&p it from an email I sent to Jimmi
The dreams were weird. (although since I stopped smoking pot all my dreams are weird.) I was at a party and George Clooney was there in a bathtub...but he was also made out of mashed potatoes. In another one I fell at the coast and some grass ripped my leg open at the thigh...a huge gaping wound that didn't seem to bleed much but the skin was peeled from the bone and I had to compress my hands around it just to keep it closed through the rest of the dream.
I had weird dreams about the dude I'm seeing leaving me for an ex, (I was recovering at his place for the week...and I think my head was just telling me I was ultra-relying on him for the rest and male nursing.) I had a dream where I was sexually assaulted at school by one of the instructors and everyone took her side and harassed me all around about it. The night before last, Toby (the dude) had to wake up early for work and I was just in and out of lucid dreaming and worried about him missing his alarm as he had the day before, so I had endless dreams of trying to wake him up. One dream we were laying in bed together and he was talking to me and I was outright rude to him, told him that I wasn't speaking to him anymore because I was certain it was a dream. (Thankfully it was.) Another where we were at a convention but didn't have enough money to go in so we tailgated outside and people from inside the event brought us food. Toby pretended to be a blue pokemon cat (that probably doesn't exist in pokemondom.) Another where my family lived near the Ocean and we had to make it deeper because a storm was coming and it kinda reminded me of that episode of Sliders.
And then last night's was pretty awesome, Doctor Who was some sort of real life thing..and all I remember is that he was helping me collect these trinkets kinda like the Horcruxes and piece them together and someone was after me. They grabbed me and I had to bite and kick and fight to get away. Eventually I did and I ran under this pyramid thing..one of the ball-trinkets I had exploded and it worried me but I dug in under this pyramid and grabbed this necklace thing and put everything together and I won...somehow.
So I saw Fear Factory the other night. Despite a lot of negative tweets, it really wasn't that bad. The show was five and a half hours though and that was a bit much for me standing in a bar wearing converse. The first band was pretty awful, the second band was a little bit better, I absolutely fell in love with Kobra and the Lotus.
She was amazing live..she's this tiny girl with an amazing voice.
I had alcohol, a lot of it, but by midset of Fear Factory it was all gone and I just got hungry and grumpy. There was a band before FF as well, and they were just awful with almost no interaction with the crowd til the last song. They played metal...very fast but there was no heart to it.
Toby went to the front lines for Fear Factory and though he claimed to only recognize one song, he had a lot of fun. I got to watch him get thrashed around and jump like a lunatic. In the end his reward was the bassist's guitar pick, so that was pretty cool. He felt bad for abandoning me through the set, but there's no way I can be one of those metal pit chicks. I'm too shy, too tender and I don't like a lot of people stepping on me and throwing me around. All in all it wasn't a bad night, just trying to get my hearing back in order today.
In other dumb news, my dad woke up with Bells Palsy and is not going to the doctor for it tonight because he doesn't want to deal with the emergency room on a Saturday Night. He'd rather wait til Sunday Morning, as if it's not going to be just as trashy. He's been having a lot of problems with his neuropathy lately and smoking again, so I'm sure that's not at all helping. He has an appointment with our family doctor but since he waited so long to become a new patient, we scheduled it back at the end of February but he wont be seen til sometime in May.
I guess I was going to write more..but I am in the need of finding something delicious to nom. Adios.
I still don't have a job. But I have been to several interviews. I've exhausted all the logical choices in filling out applications. Now I'm just hitting up random places like the dry cleaners and the floral shops. I have an interview tomorrow with Speedway, despite all the scary negative reviews about it on GlassDoor, I think I will be okay. If they give me the job, I'll definitely take it. A weekly paycheck would mean I get to pay off school and not have to worry about it.
There is five months and eleven days before I graduate. It seems like such a short amount of time. I have this semester's massage quota fulfilled. I have $743 left to pay off tuition and I need to receive 4 massages and obtain my CPR license and all that will be done, I will only have to maintain a successful grade. I have the rest of the endocrine chapter left and then the semester final for a&p and I am kinda terrified. This has been a rough semester in that course. I don't know what the fuck is going on in the body, with the chemistry and such, but it's goddamn insane.
Despite my not having a job, my schedule conflicts wildly with Toby's. I've been spending my weekends there, but it's mostly lonely. He goes off to work at different shifts, only seeming to have days off when I'm in school.. and I'm just there sleeping most of the time. It's nice because I get away from the house and it's quiet...but it sucks because it's quiet and lonely. I think we're going to see Fear Factory next Friday, which is kinda bizarre. I don't really have a reason to go, because I'm fairly certain the only album I'm familiar with is Obsolete, which I found to be quite good...but that was back in 2001. Still, I guess it will be nice to get out of the house and do something. I've been mostly down and feeling like a bum. All that I've been able to really do is watch and discuss Doctor Who and school stuff and that, while is pretty okay, not the most exciting of living.
He's offered to pay off my tuition. I dunno if he's kidding or not. It's so tempting but at the same time it gives me this weak feeling. That's not something I really want held over my head. I need to do this. I'm mostly feeling lackluster about school. We've started doing business planning, getting you ready for the business world and both sides of going into a clinic/spa setting sounds dreary and having your own business sounds frustrating and depressing. I don't know what I really want to do. Not to mention it's 195$ just to take the test, and then another 150$ for the license.
I've finally gotten a handle on the hair stuff. I was pretty miserable because I dyed it from this beautiful, brilliant blue to brown in order to look justifiably normal when going to interviews and such, but when I dyed it brown, much of the blue didn't wish to come out, and therefore it turned into this swamp green that looked like a redneck's dream of brown-green camouflage. I went to two interviews with that garbage head, I had excuses at the ready, and the ladies at Elder Beerman giggled with me and we went into a conversation about hair coloring and such and the rest of the interview went well, but they never got back with me and I've left a few messages to get nothing in return. I really didn't want that job, it was in an "upscale" clothing store and the duties seemed downright terrible, but at the moment I will take what I can get.
Meanwhile, every day my mom is able to come home and tell me how horrible the sorting room has gotten at the Salvation Army. She is at the epicenter, my sister is in the stores and she sees how they are suffering. All from one person's absence. I warned them..that when I was gone (whether I was let go or when school was over.) that it was going to be hell trying to replace me. Someone told me I was replaceable, just like anyone else. Obviously, I'm not. I know I'm making such a big deal about doing something so mundane like pricing clothes...it's not that hard of a job....but even with 7 other pricers, I put out racks three times what everyone else was doing. It's a huge ego stroke knowing they are going down in flames, it's kind of sad too. But it's pretty awesome. It cheers me up knowing I'm right, makes me irritated that I was being abused for minimum wage. Would I go back? Yes, but only if they offered me 8.25 or more, but that would never happen. Lieutenant would never admit he was wrong, and my mom would chop my ankles off before she'd let me walk back in there.
I will be getting back into my dreams folder again soon. Since I quit smoking back in February, the dreams are so vivid and constant. Last night, my mom was pregnant. The other night I went to a b-movie only to witness almost everyone in the audience fucking. They have been downright strange.
I tried the zzzquil the other night after facing a few days of sickness. This particular night I wasn't ill but I was still having issues sleeping. It was a scary situation. It hit my stomach in such a way, and about a half hour later I had rolled onto my stomach in sleep (something I never do.) and I couldn't lift my limbs..I felt trapped. Then I kept waking up in weird gasping for air sort of deal. My dad takes the stuff regularly, it just did not interact with me well at all...and I curse it.
I've gone through about 90% of RunButton's stuff. They are two very entertaining dudes with pretty neat voices that get me through some hours. Now that I'm mostly done with their collection I feel kinda lost. I guess I could catch up on Made of Fail, but I really haven't enjoyed the stuff since Kevin left.
I have been doing a MLKSHK weight-loss (shkoff) challenge. It's been, I think about two weeks now and I've lost ten pounds. Part of it was probably because I was ill for about four days and had nothing but liquid juice and water, and a couple of the those hours I couldn't even swallow water. Another part of it is Toby is keeping me in line and cooks relatively healthy things. I've been exercising, kinda lazy about that though and at home I eat a lot of vegetables. I'm not really eating a bunch of junk at school anymore and there is so much more walking and running around for the bus. When the challenge ends, (June 10th) I'm not sure if I will get to my goal, but I am doing quite well so far.
It didn't really happen much like this at all, but I have officially resigned from my job. Friday was a fucking awful day. It started off well, grabbed my Friday smoothie and headed into work for my half day. (5 hours.) About an hour into it, Lieutenant comes upstairs with his oldest son (6 or 7) and at first, I think he's joking with me. "Heard you got another write up." And so I freak out when I realize he's being serious. Turns out it's from eating in my mom's office while she is on vacation. He said that we have talked about this before, how I'm not supposed to be in there when she isn't, and that he doesn't even really like it when I'm in there when she is there, but he overlooks it. Now the "privilege is being abused."
I get a little hysterical. One, his child is staring at me all dumb-faced while this man is giving me a lecture about a write up that I knew nothing about and is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I've been eating lunch and breaks in there for however many years, this has never been a problem. I'm not going to spend my precious minutes going through everyone's files. He keeps going on about how we've talked about this before and I am crying my eyes out in front of his goddamn child.
We never talked about it. He saw me with her key once, as we were clocking out and he said "no no no, you can't do that." and walked out the door. There was no future discussion.
So when it comes time for me to get this write up, I write in the employee comments that 1) we did not have the discussion that I could not be in the office. And clearly it wasn't a problem because my mom's boss let me in there, my mom has let me in there and he SAW ME IN THERE MONDAY AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. On the back of the paper, I wrote how unprofessional I found it that I was getting the lecture and information on the write up in front his child.
I kinda knew I would be in trouble for that one. He called me into his office not long after that and questioned me about what I had written. Suddenly he was yelling at me. "Because I have to watch my kid, I bring him up to the sorting room, that's unprofessional?" Uh yeah, dude. That place is dangerous. It's pretty awful that you bring your kid up there when your wife and other two children are sitting peacefully over at the rehab house. "It's not like he's a Facebooker. He's not going to go gossiping about it all." And I just look at him dumbfounded. It had nothing to do with whether or not his son was on facebook, it was the lack of disrespect. You have something to say to me, you bring me in your office with the people that need to be involved (they usually have Lieutenant and a "witness" to make sure nothing goes awry.) You bring me in to the office and if you have something to say that's going to make me cry, I'd like to do it around adults instead of having a child staring at me.
So then he really started getting pissed and kinda slapped his hand against my write up several times and gave me a lesson in professionalism. "Your hair color is unprofessional, changing it over and over again is unprofessional. But I overlook it. I choose my battles. Coming into work after smoking POT, that's unprofessional." (something I've never done.) "eating in your mom's office, that's unprofessional. And so you know what? If professionalism is the name of the game here, you're not allowed to eat in there anymore. You will eat where the rest of the employees do, there's no more joking. We're going to clock in, do our work and clock out. I don't need you gossiping around the sorting room, and I don't need you bad-mouthing me to your mom."
And I just sat there. Thinking how he was probably going to fire me. I sat there kinda dumbfounded because he wasn't breaking my heart about the office thing, it was just stupid. I'm not the only one that goes in there. The entire complex and my mom has the only fax machine in her office, very nosy, very stupid people go in there all the time when she isn't around. Joke around with him? The dude creeps me out, I try to stay out of his way. Hair color? So if my blue hair is so unprofessional, I guess all the girls with crazy weaves and hair styles surely must be unprofessional as well. The pot thing...maybe irresponsible, but I wouldn't say unprofessional. I wasn't dealing with life and death things. I was taking a sharpie to a tag and writing a bunch of numbers on it..but once again, I never smoked before going to work.
So I seethed at my station for the rest of the day and in the final moments I realized there was no way I could go back Monday morning. There is no way I could continue to ride it out the rest of the 6 months I have left there. Swallowing my self worth for minimum wage in a job I'm no longer appreciated for.
I discussed it with my family and they all found it for the best. It's going to take a lot of stress off mom with me not being there, as she has said time and time again that she can't wait for my sister and I to move on from there so we are no longer an issue among other employees. I just hope he doesn't attack mom for whatever reason. I guess I knew he would get pissed over the comment about his child being around but I had to stand up for myself. I think that was always his biggest problem with me is that I would challenge him on his new directions because many of them make no sense.
I wrote out my resignation and handed it to mom, I left a message on my supervisors answering machine. It's done. I've walked away from Salvation Army before, for much of the same reasons. I don't think I'll ever go back this time. Now comes the job hunting.
I haven't smoked in a little over 30 days, but I still have THC in my system, Toby got me one of those home drug tests and we discovered the results. I'll probably need another few weeks. I've put in a few applications already and tomorrow I'll hit up some non-chain thrift stores. Although I have heard that Goodwill is hiring quite a bit. It's just til I'm done with school. Six months and two days. I just need something to pay off the remainder of my tuition ($1000) and the four massages I must receive and the CPR classes. Mom and my sister said they would pick up the phone bill til I find another job. I'm not too worried..but it is really scary not having a job.
I guess I'll end this...I'm looking forward to the positive. And for now, I shall go watch the new episode of Game of Thrones.
I went back to work this week. Last week I was suspended for smoking pot. Well, not at work or anything. What seems to have happened is a beneficiaary told the liutenent that I was acting like I was on drugs. So rather than talking to me, my coworkers or looking at my performance logs, they decided to drug test me. I was honest about it. Those tests are expensive, I wont waste them. I got ushered into the LT's office and was questioned. I told him I couldn't pass the test because I smoked. He gave me a weeks suspension, they intend to test me in 40 (now less than) days. He then questioned me as to why I was doing it and then gave me the greatest lecture ever.
Using pot...well, that's on my way to becoming a crackhead and before I know it, I'll be out on the streets selling myself for anything. Then end up in their dorm rooms for recovery. I stared at him. This religious little bastard fully believes that pot works that way. "No one wakes up saying, "I'm going to get addicted to pot!"
I'm sorry. It's not a gateway drug. More recent studies have proven that it is alcohol. You cannot become addicted to marijuana, and if it does have some mental hold over you, then you must be a very weak person. And if you think it's leading you to harder drugs, again. You must be a weak person as it is YOUR CHOICE to lead you to those drugs. I've never sat there thinking. "Man, this pot is pretty weak-sauce, I better do some coke."
So I've stopped smoking for now. It's really no big deal. I can use the money I was for the stuff to getting my tuition paid off more quickly. I didn't mind the week's suspension, it was a nice little bad girl vacation. I just didn't like him sitting across from me and spewing these things out of his mouth. How I was making poor decisions, that everyone can pick up on me being a pothead (even if I hadn't smoked that day or week.) And that shame on the dude I'm seeing for not stopping me down this twisted dark path. It was just bizarre to think that someone this young can be so narrow minded.
I am not saying I was in the right for smoking while working at a rehab, but I'm there 29 hours a week. I never smoke before I go in. I'm just thinking he's a self righteous little ass. He says if I still test positive in so many days, that I'm gone, because I have clearly smoked. Which is kind of a shame...with my body fat I'm not sure if I will be totally cleaned out by then, we'll have to do a wait and see thing. He boasts about his 14 panel drug tests, don't they pick up on the screens and masks and such? I don't know. I'm just not smoking and getting by somehow.
I don't want to get a new job at this point. I've already been here so long and I've got seven months before I graduate school. I just need to be at this shithole for another 7 months.
Osha finally took a tour of our piece of hell and declared it mostly fine. That we had to put a gate around our clothing chute and I was just amazed. I've gone over in great detail how disgusting and falling apart the place is. The floor dips and the wood is rotting and that's on the second floor where most of our production is handled.
Yeah, I'm seeing a dude. Toby. It's been an interesting and positive experience thus far. I think it's the first relationship where it wasn't long distance in quite some time and he works. Which is almost a near first and a welcome refreshment compared to Twitch. I hate going on with comparing him- or others to Twitch, because that was just a terrible situation I dragged myself into, but still. This guy is pretty fantastic.
It definitely wasn't completely unexpected. He was, but I just have always had this feeling that around the halfway point of school that I would end up having some sort of intrusion. This is a welcome intrusion. I never had a clear outline of what I want to do after school, beyond leaving the town... and I still don't. I don't know how he plays into all of this yet and that is kind of interesting. There's a lot I can say about him but the details are still too intimate, they are still mine for the time being. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, a few days ago we went walking for seven miles and it was good company, it never really felt like that long of a walk. The time we're apart seems to drag on. He has a strange schedule this week, which looks like no overnight visits, I'll be able to manage, but it just is gonna kinda suck.
I know I always go "I can't believe it's already been x amount of time." But seriously. I have seven months to go. They say it goes quick, and yeah it really fucking does. The last I checked I had less than 100 classes to go. I can't wait for October, I wish it was already here and everything I have to do is done. I paid off half of my tuition the other day and it was a painfully glorious moment. I can only imagine when I get the other half paid. That feeling of stuff on your shoulders? I just want that moment of relief. Like I said, I have NO idea what I intend to do once I graduate. I do want to be self employed because I cannot handle having another person dictate my life anymore when I'm not in their presence. I know that's just something I wont be able to just pass the test and do. There's the matter of EVERYTHING. This big, scary adult work that I'm about to leap into.
I've been trying to play Suikoden II on the emulator, but it's been angry and laggy. I have fucked with the settings many times and nothing seems to work. That's kinda what lead me to be able to post on here tonight, just sheer frustration. I've wanted to play this game for so long but waiting for the price to drop down is not going to happen. Four years ago it was going for the same prices on ebay, it's a limited print, I suppose. I hate being broke. Even if I was making decent money (say post graduation) I probably wouldn't be able to justify paying over 100 dollars for a playstation 1 game.
Guess I'll have more pizza.
My mouse's scroll wheel isn't working anymore and that's completely irriatting to me. I need the scroll deal. I don't have triple a batteries for my usual mouse, so I've currently stolen my sister's mouse, which used to belong to me, but I hated how bulky it is and that it has the left/right click buttons on the side as well as on top. Fuck. My thumb goes in that groove, not a right/left button you asshats.
School. We're halfway there. 8 months down with 8 left to go. This semester has been really tricky in anatomy, the last two chapters (anatomy of muscles and nerves) have made me want to slit my wrists. We're on the spinal cord/nerves right now with a test on Thursday and I feel pretty confident about it. In masssage we are starting on the actual medical treatment portion, trigger points and cross fiber friction stuff. I still need to receive 4 massages outside the school, buy a table and do CPR classes and pay of the two grand in tuition.
My tax return, once I am able to file it, will take care of 1200 of the 2000, so then it should be easy to pay off the remaining 800. At this moment, I need to go to the clinic 8 more times to finish this semester's massages and I've been doing that on Wednesday. I was getting cancellations every Saturday I worked so I switched to Wednesday. It's my day off, and I have to be at school at six anyway, so I just go in and two two before class. I need 20. Then there's next semester's quota and I just can't wait til it's all over.
I just feel burnt out and my class is so small. There's five of us. The anatomy teacher gives off this vibe like we're not worth her time, and she really sucks at teaching anyway. Nothing really sticks, I have to get study guides from the really good anatomy teacher. Massage is great, it's just sometimes long. 4.5 hours three nights a week and most of the time I wake up early for work.
Work is swell now that the one awful drama girl is gone. I no longer feel like immolating myself as soon as I enter the building. It's also long though and I am getting so tired of asinine changes and minimum wage. My massage teacher, on her usual day makes $240. Holy fuck. I can make that much in time. I have a lot of doubt about my skill and all that. Or maybe that just comes from being ran down. I still don't have a bed.
My house seems overcrowded. My dog recently had his eye taken out because he had glaucoma. He's getting around alright and he's just the happiest dumb little dog ever. My cat is almost a year old and still quite the asshole. He has a girlfriend though, my old purple scarf.
Sorry kids, maybe another day. There's so much I want to say...but not the proper attention span and lack of thinkin' privacy going around.
I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demigods and would-be gods; out of all that, out of that whole pantheon, if I believe in one thing...just one thing...I believe in her.Real Name:
Jun 12 1987
lost in space