My grandmother him hawed all week last week on when she was going to move back to California. Then she was trying to figure out how to get all her stuff there (when mom said she would drive it out when we came out.) And then she wanted my dad to DRIVE HER OUT THERE, DRIVE BACK AND DO IT AGAIN WHEN WE MOVE OUT THERE. Which seemed pretty heartless but not surprising.

So now she's decided she'll wait til after my dad's hearing to book her ticket so she'll know about her stuff. Her social security income has increased as well, she's basically getting what Grandpa was getting and has been such an irritating person since. All before my trip she was touching and talking to me like she was a normal sweet fairytale grandma...I assume it was showing off for Gail as now she has not said one word to me since I have returned.

My visiting aunt (Gail) is leaving Saturday. Later this month my mom is shutting my sister's house down and that means my sister and niece are moving in. Presumably sometime next month my aunt Aletta and Grandma are moving back to California.

Depending on what happens at my dad's hearing is when we will know when we're leaving. Shutting my sister's house down will help save more money for the journey and there's several steps my mom is working on. Her plan is for us to get there and have a home with rent paid for about 2-3 months so we can focus on jobs.

She's squeezing pretty tight. I'm scared and annoyed but more open for the challenge. I really wish I could be in Chicago though, it just seems like now is not the time.

I'm going to look into doing massage therapy when I get out there. I've often been told I am great at giving rubs and massages and such and that's without any real knowledge of what I'm doing. (so I'm probably fucking everyone's back up.) But while in Chicago, I was encouraged. I am hopeful and more optimistic about the future.

I'm officially on vacation. I need it. Work is getting pretty muggy and some of the circuits or some bullshit is very fucked up and caught on fire so my side of the warehouse still has no sort of fan situation. A few people were fired this week over some outrageous bullshit on their part. I just need a few days off to mull shit over and think about moving back to California and all the stresses that my mom unintentionally brings on me for being the more responsible child.

I get to hang out with Anthem on Saturday and from there the greyhound to go visit stormy Chicago. I am very much hoping this visit goes well. I am thinking as positively as I can but little things here and there are bringing me down. I've been lucky to keep myself busy with the wrestling things and Sims so I don't chew my brain to pieces over what's in store for me. This move is frightening.

My aunt has visiting over the last few days from California...and she's quite the trip herself. She's always got issues and back pain and sciatica and lady issues (which, are real. She's 48..which seems odd. but body science and wonder and all that creepy shit.) She looks like she hasn't aged much and when I still lived out there her not-husband bought her some breast implants that she really didn't need and I swear that is some of her back issues as she is embarrassingly huge. She wanders around the house in a ripped up wife beater and no bra, so I'm hiding in my room for the duration. I wish not to be knocked out by one of those bastards.

Meanwhile the other aunt is eating everything in the house. Fortunately her and my Grandma leave sometime next month for good. And I will be happy to never live with that heartless woman ever again. I feel bad for the cousin taking her in, she has no idea what she is in for..but she has already had her feelings hurt by Grandma going on and on about how excited she is about spending all her time with my other cousin and the boys she stole from another cousin that isn't that well in the head.

And I know not a lot of these means much, but I just have to fucking vent somewhere. I love melo..you somewhat anonymous beast. We are unsure where we will end up, but some good money came in for my sister and it's already in savings. We have the truck cost and the gas, I guess.. We're also trying to save up a few months rent. A lot of it depends on my dad's hearing later this month.

I will try to make a post before I go. Something that sounds more optimist like FUCK YEAH IM ON VACACTION. I just can't pull forth the jovial attitude needed right now. I'm exhausted.

Oh yeah, that plane ticket fandango is fixed for now. The ticket is on pause/hold or something until I can reschedule a date, and I guess I get to use it to go back to California with. I don't really know what's going on in my own life.

I got a new kitten! Last week, actually. It was pretty crazy. The person drove her all the way from Trotwood. Mom checked her out, saying she was a healthy kitty. I named her Norah. She could fit in the palm of my hand. We get along pretty good so far...and then the swelling in her ass went down (they were feeding her not so great kitten food and she had massive poo problems.) and we discovered Norah was a boy. So I bounced some names around and I know that Loki isn't all that fully original of a name and whatever..but I like it. This is the most laid back kitten though, for the most part. He's gotten a lot bigger over just a few days and he's very much a people cat.

So onto other things.

My grandmother just tipped us off that she and Aletta are moving back to California. My grandma to live with a cousin of mine. (The cousin only knows the nice side of her. Ooh she's in for some adventures.) And Aletta to live with my aunt. She tipped us off because mom informed her that we were planning on going back too...

One way or another we are moving back to California. In the most about 9 months. I will be able to announce actual details around this time next month. It will be back where I was living Santa Rosa/Lake Countyish. And I am both fearful, kind of excited and all sorts of mixed emotions. A prevailing one is that I will leave this awful place and set fire to it as i do so...minus the fire part. That will be in my head....but I'm also so afraid of some other, strange things that I can't really expel from my mouth at the moment. (so to speak.)

I am less than two weeks away from going to Chicago. I SHOULD FINALLY GET TO HANG OUT WITH ANTHEM THE DAY BEFORE. After you know, eight years of me living here.

I just have been daydreaming a lot of giving my notice to my stupid job and knowing that in a few days tops they will all be screwed. I guess that's a terrible way of thinking...but it bring me great pleasure. I'm sick of pulling all the weight around there, I put out a store and a half's daily shipment. The rest of the pricers are lazy assholes...but their time will come.

I hope the future is better...I am really fearful of it...but there's always some hope. Darkest before the dawn and all that.

So I guess since I haven't responded to Twitch's harassment he is digging deeper for lies. I read that he signed into his old myspace and found all my journal entries about how I cheated on him. The funny thing being I deleted my myspace two years ago. The more amusing thing is how I didn't cheat on him.

I do regret that. Maybe I should have cheated on him. I know I shouldn't have been in the relationship in the first place.

But anyway it is very amusing.

I don't understand this bitch of a woman. My grandmother.

We were given notice today that unless we could come up with $350 bucks for transporting my grandfather from the hospital to Wright State to harvest his organs and whatknot,(as were his wishes.), they will just do a group cremation that they provide for the other poor and homeless. My grandmother doesn't have the money, she just paid rent and refuses to use my grandfather's last SSI check (That's in his bank) because the caseworker told her she would get in trouble federally. She's contacting whoever and sending the money back. Grandpa didn't have a will, all the utilities and their car is in his name.

My grandmother has four children. All of which have their own children and could have put together the measly $350. Between my sister, mom and myself...getting paid this week...we could have paid the $350. If nothing at the very least there was a cash advance. I also work for the Salvation Army and they usually help cases like this. And I know we would have gotten care from them..as they did with Mr. Dawes.

Everything is taken care of. My grandfather is not getting his last wishes. Everyone in the house is angry. There is a special place for this woman. I hope she goes back to California. I've got a theory that's what she may have planned. I just don't want to be here anymore.

Monday I had to take my cat Sparta to the vet. He had been lethargic and trying to potty but could not. It turns out that he had a urinary blockage. The blockage was removed. He still couldn't potty so they wanted to xrays. Something they honestly should have done first.

There's a stone/crystal in him the size of a pencil tip. It can be removed but for more money than I could afford. In time the crystals would grow back as well. They also suggested a surgery that would widen his hole so he'd pee like a girl-cat (gender reassignment for cats?) and that is also a good chunk of money.

I feel worthless. I know, in the wild and all that, he would have passed away without any help. It's just heartbreaking to know I did what I could and even then it wasn't enough- that I can't afford the 'enough' part. And the doctor at the other end of the phone saying. "That's a shame...he's such a sweet cat." Fuck you.

To lose my Grandfather Tuesday night and now my absolute best friend. This is fucked up.

Fuck you 2012.

So my grandfather has had to go get multiple blood transfusions, his blood platelets are not what they should be. Sometimes after the transfusion his blood platelet count is even worse.

The doctor finally told us that at his age, he only has about a 4% chance of making it that other five years we thought he may have. The doctor told us he is dying.

He looks better than he has. The one eye isn't a bloody mess. He's still losing quite a bit of weight, we can't really get him to eat much.

My grandmother...good god.

When he has to stay overnight in the hospital she is bouncy and jovial. When he's home all she complains about is that she never gets any sleep, that she doesn't have the energy. Then she gets made and tries to embarrass him because he wets the bed and his diaper needs changed. She talks to him as if he were a child if she confronts him directly, otherwise she asks my aunt about him as if he weren't even in the room. and then there's her trying to throw guilt in his face over him being an alcoholic 40 years ago. "I lost so much sleep while you were a drunk, now I'm losing sleep because you're ill."

My mom lost 5 hours of work today because she was "too tired" (she decided last night.) to go with my grandpa to his transfusion appointment today. It takes two people to help Grandpa out. On the weekdays my dad is usually watching my niece and because my grandma didn't want to go, my mom left work early to watch the baby.

I'm just exhausted. I hang out with him while I can, he mostly dozes off. I just..don't understand why my grandma is like this. I honestly believed that people were compassionate and good no matter the circumstances, and while your husband of over fifty years is ill those virtues should bound out like second nature. She's not. And it will never be like that.

So grandpa started his first chemo treatments on Monday. They make him very tired and he's already lost a lot of weight. We talked today about it, and he was very strong and confident when he said that it was completely worth it, if it's going to make him see another day. With the chemo, they say he will have another five or six years, without it..the leukemia would take over. We were told it's a pretty common form of leukemia people his age get, but it also could have developed from working in a gas station for a million years.

My sister is back in her own store but stupidity is still there. I guess over the weekend one of her coworkers brought the guy she had been fooling around with to her house which is a big fucking no for many reasons both professional and private life situational. I gave her a warning message. This is something I don't want to tell my mom but it is something that needs to end. I should tell my mom, but I already sent my dumb sister a text saying that I wouldn't.

Meanwhile I have other white trashy things going on with my family. My uncle (the one I have posted about before) was in jail over domestic violence. From what we know, him and his lady were drinking and the cops were called for something and neither one of them would leave the premises and they both got charged with domestic violence. Uncle says it was all just a misunderstanding.

My cousin went to jail over domestic violence. This was the girl that posted a bunch of youtube videos of her attacking other girls and who has been a pretty big disappointment. Funny thing is, her arrest is also a misunderstanding.

That cousin's sister..wow. I have some screenshots that I'll post later. Basically my cousin is kind of a whore.

Other than all of that, things are not too bad. I have a visitor coming in April, I'm not sure how many days they'll be around, I think just for the weekend but I'm really looking forward to it. The weather has been getting so lovely out and the neighborhood is coming alive with all the child-beasts I had forgotten about.. it's starting to get humid at work which is a total fucking drag. I've bitched about it before but 100 year old warehouse, top floor..humidity...not allowed to wear shorts....it's a death-house.

I'm supposed to make a photo scene out of this song. My mind is absolutely blank at the moment...but I have kindling. This is going to be very fun :)

It was gorgeous outside. Extremely clear and blue skies, warm temperature with just a slight bit of what feels like early spring chill. I decided to bike to the comic shop today to discover they were closed on Mondays. I asked why Justin hadn't reminded me. "It's more fun for me if you don't know." How nice.

So I think I should have read up a little bit or something on how to clean a laptop keyboard...I am starting to think pulling them up individually and using a can of air was not the way to go. Certain keys wont go back into their homes, the Delete key wouldn't get out of it's little groove all together now, and it wont go back in its rightful spot, so it's kinda just sitting there like an angry dead tooth. At least my enter key is working again, and like it really even mattered because under these keys it's just filled with all sorts of hair. It's rainbow of old dye and cat fur, among other crumbs and bits of herb. Even after spraying the can of air most of the fur just lingers, it shoots up a middle finger and giggles hysterically.

Work was tolerable today, it usually is on my half days. I managed to score another half day on Friday as it is time to start saving money for realsies on the trip front. I do have bits of cash here and there but I need something tangible in my bank account or it's just not going to work well at all. We have a guy making up numbers on his chart and he may be making up lies about his whereabouts the last few days. We know his mom had radiation treatments, but dealing with her might be another situation all together. He got his tax return and unfortunately he is one of those stereotypical ghetto kids. His mom does have cancer and has to undergo the chemo treatments, but he might be gallivanting off because somehow while taking care of her after the treatments, he was able to go buy a shit ton of stuff and get a tattoo.

While the bike ride wasn't excessively long, there were a couple hills that nearly killed me, not to mention I went the sort of longer way to avoid the BIG hill. Maybe 2/3rds of the way I stopped and pondered if I should turn around because my I hadn't been on a real bike in forever. The stationary is definitely one thing, but christ. I love my bike though, but I was disappointed the comic shop was closed. On my way home I did stop at a Goodwill to wander around for a while. There was a badass tea set there, it had all the pieces, I just was not very fond of the coloring as it looked like typical brown outdoor clay stuff. The ride home was pretty nice, and riding around I didn't feel nearly as panicky as envisioned. Only one driver scared the holy fuck out of me, and that's because he decided to turn without looking, and I discovered my brakes aren't the best in the world, at least I have feet to stop too.

I had dinner and now I'm just sorta flopped out in my room. I don't know what flopped out means, so I hope in your head it has a positive view. My leg was hurting earlier today, before the ride. I think it was stiff most of the night. Both my legs are kinda wibbly and I am exhausted. I have been working out on the stationary bike. I thought I was in shape! I know I'm not though, and I just gotta build it all up. If it's nice for the rest of the week I will opt out of the basement bike and go outside. I guess we are going to take Elizabeth to the Lohrey center, which is where I was doing all my exercising and such before moving back in with my dad, so it should be a familiar, happy place in my brain.

I need to decide what I am going to play or watch. I was pretty ecstatic to play through a few levels of Tomb Raider II and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, but I really do need to crack open the games I bought a month or so back. I haven't played the Devil May Cry series and I have the first one and the third. For some reason Justin told me not to pick up the second, but I saw it pretty cheap at Second Time Around, so I'll probably go for it since it is part of the story. Blarh

I played a tiny bit of Warcraft today, but the whole keyboard thing was getting on my nerves, my left key was doing the sticky-but-not-quite-home situation as well, but I think I roughed it up enough to be in it's rightful spot.

Maybe I should stop being so violent.

So I discovered the line up for Rock on the Range is not all that terrible. Even one of my longtime favorites Volbeat is going to be there, and I'm not sure if I want to pass that up. I'm keeping my options open though, there might be something going on next month...I gotta get it figured out. I do believe a lot of my friends are going this year, so the money shouldn't be too much of a problem but it is really close to the June Chicago trip, so I have to sort things out and see what kind of money I have. I fucking love Volbeat ever since I heard their cover of:

I thought it had been a cover of the Hootie song and I didn't play it til I was on break at Rite-Aid. It was a pleasant surprise. The rest of their stuff is amazing. I'm not the biggest fan of their American crossover of Warriors Call, but it's still not terrible considering the other things out there.

I am on my second cup of coffee. I woke up in a really good mood. This weekend I would fall asleep pretty early in the night and wake up a little after two. I've also been watching a lot of Saturday Night Live, from the 90s and it's weird to hear the names that are such a big deal in office now being joked about then. I know it's not that huge of a gap from the 90s til now, it's just odd to me for some reason.

I really need to get back to playing WoW. I have gotten a little lazy and plus all last month I had my eye on trying to lose weight, but it has gotten pretty frustrating. Nearly an entire month (save a day or two) where I ate completely healthy and spent time exercising. I lost three pounds and gained it back. I have a doctor appointment lined up, it might have something to do with my hormone issues as the only difference from the last time I was losing weight easily, I had been on the birth control shot. I know it's supposed to make you gain weight, but my hormones have always been really fucked up. A thyroid thing? I dunno, I would have thought they would have checked for that the first time around when they were sticking me for blood and shoving a vaginal ultrasounds left and right. Eck. How did a sentence starting with World of Warcraft end up being about disturbing gyno issues? Well...anyway.

I had intended to start on Final Fantasy 1-6 as well on my roms, but I have been spectacularly lazy about it, wanting to get one of those USB controllers. I have wanted one for a while, I want to play Tomb Raider II as well, and I do have the Ps1, I am just too lazy to get it out of the closet and hook it up to Justin's tv. I don't want to get all used and comfy playing amazing games on his set just for it to be taken away or whatever. I think it all really comes down to me being lazy.

So I bought my plane ticket for my next Chicago adventure. I will be leaving in 127 days. Unfortunately, it's not the airport I wanted, I didn't want to go to Ohare and spend the half hour getting to my usual motel, but the alternative is maddening. I could spend about 415ish and go directly to the Midway International Airport, but I would have to pay more than directly flying to Ohare, plus there was a layover in Detroit. It would have taken a little under than 5 hours. Part of my reasoning for flying was that I was so tired of the bus travels, and if I was going to spend that kind of money, STILL have layovers and take that long to get there, I would have just taken the Greyhound.

For a little over 100$ cheaper, I can go to Ohare directly..no layovers, no stops. It's disgustingly early in the morning, but I can deal with that just fine. I also was hoping someone would meet me at the airport and help me get to the motel, but with it being shockingly early, I couldn't ask my friends to get me, I have so many days til I wander off there, I can plan it out just fine. I've taken the buses and trains a few times there alone, it seems easy enough.

I'm just excited. 127 days to go.

I bought this shirt the other day. And I know I have days before it arrives and I've bitched about it on twitter a million times but it is too awesome to not be in my hands.