Tim moved out two days ago. At first I told him that if he leaves me leaves me. Because it ended up being his idea. I checked those documents mentioned in the last post and they were all different. I couldn't hide that I was upset. I tried. But I still came across as being pissed. So on the way back from his parents' house he said he can't live like this with me being pissed all the time and that he's just going to leave. We had a long discussion. We took our rings off. He at first blamed the porn on me.. which really pissed me off. He said that he hates being told what to do and that's why he does it most of the time. And then he said it's because he's stressed out. And then he said he looks at it because when he thinks about being intimate with me part of him doesn't want to because he thinks I'm just going to leave him anyway. But that's all recent stuff mostly. It doesn't explain why he keeps going back to it over and over again. Then he eventually said he doesn't know why he does it. And then he said "I guess every guy in my family does have some kind of substance abuse." It was the first time that he sort of admitted that he's addicted. And for the first time ever he apologized and said he was sorry for making me feel like he doesn't love me, which is the total opposite of what he does feel. And that he doesn't mean to make me feel like crap. It made me feel better.

The next day I told him that if he left it wouldn't necessarily mean that we're done. I changed my mind because I know he loves me and he doesn't mean to hurt me. He has an addiction. I still had him move out because I hope it will be a motivation for him to stop. If he wants to move back in and see his son more he needs to give it up. I told him I don't want to fight about this anymore and that before he moves back in the issue needs to be resolved. He needs to be honest with me.

He moved in with his mom. Who doesn't like me anyway. She is apparently pissed and thinks this is all my fault. She came by today and started harassing me and trying to find out what is going on. I told her that it's not like I got mad at Tim and kicked him out. I tried to explain to her that in order for us to fix this he needs to not be here and that he knows exactly what he needs to do to move back in. She kept pushing. I eventually just said "Why do you need to know?!" and she got pissed and stormed out. I guess she apologized to me through Tim. She's just worried apparently. Whatever. She drives me nuts.

I do miss Tim and I slept on my side of the bed even though I was alone last night. I feel weird being on his side. I'm trying to stay strong and not just let him move back in because I miss him. He needs to take care of this. One more fight and I think this could implode. I love him. And I'm not angry with him. I'm having a hard time getting that across to him. He's hesitant to kiss me. And I say I love him first. I explained to him today that nothing got fixed while he was here so I'm hoping it will help since he's not here now. We'll see what happens.

I've been alone a lot and I think it's starting to get to me. I feel a little looney. :/

I'm supposed to just do what makes me happy and not worry about the logistics of it. Tim knows now that I'm thinking about leaving him. In fact, it is quite imminent. I've been thinking a lot about it. I don't think it's the porn. I don't think it's a lot of the things I thought it was before. I think that it is simply because we are completely different people than when we met. Maybe he's not different. Maybe I'm just seeing more of him and am realizing that we aren't really good together. We argue all the time. Over stupid little things. I know everybody argues. But this is getting to the point where it's everyday. And I don't want to live like this. We have nothing in common. We never really have. I think in the beginning of the relationship I was enthralled with the great sex and the fact that he could make me laugh. And he was hurt. He was recovering from a bad breakup. And I wanted to fix him. And I did... ironically I'm breaking him again. I can't keep telling him I don't know what I want. I have to figure it out. I told him I don't want alimony or child support. He told me he'll help me get my car fixed and will help me keep the apartment. That's what I was worried about. I've been trying not to think about all the good times with us. And when I do, I realize all the best moments were from 2 years ago. I need to remember that the Tim I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.

It makes me sad, but I think I need to open up a new chapter in my life.

wants friends

is drunk.

So, what do you do when you realize the person you married may not be the person you are meant to be with? What if you realize that everything he does drives you nuts for some unexplained reason? And that when you think about it, you haven't kissed him in two days and it doesn't really faze you.. and you wish you were falling asleep next to someone else. In fact, you avoid going to bed at the same time as him because you don't want any cuddling to happen.

I'm practically taking care of Oliver by myself. Tim might hold him if I ask him to so I can eat. And he complains every time he has to get up to feed him. He says things like "Shut up, asshole. I know you're hungry." when Ollie is crying. It makes me want to take Ollie and never come back. He is a loving doting father as long as Ollie isn't crying. Or if Ollie is sleeping. Otherwise he's complaining. It makes me wonder if Jeff would be a better father. I already know that Jeff loves me unconditionally. He has been in love with me since the day he met me. And it may make me a terrible wife, but I've fallen in love with him too. I constantly wonder what it would be like to be with him instead of Tim. He makes me feel beautiful. In a way that Tim never has.

I'm not happy. But would leaving Tim really make me happy? Should I try to salvage this and look the other way and shut my mouth when ever Tim says or does something I don't like? Right now is a really bad time for me to be alone. I don't have a car. I have $45 in the bank to my name. Jeff wants me to move in with him if I leave Tim. But I promised Tim I wouldn't leave him for someone else a long time ago. I couldn't leave him and go immediately to Jeff.. but that's what I would want to do.

Should I be selfish and do what I want despite the consequences? Or should I stay in this like a good person should? I'm very confused..

Well, I'm here to start back up my relationship with Melo. I have had this sinking feeling in my chest like there is something missing, or like I need to release all the thoughts in me like air from a balloon. I'd like to deflate for a while.

I had my beautiful son, Oliver Glenn Hawes, on May 12th. The labor was relatively quick. I had him induced because I was sooo tired of being pregnant. I just wanted him out of me. I got to the hospital at 5am. He was born at 10:48am. I was only in active labor with contractions and all that jazz for about 2 hours. Before that my water bag was still intact and I really wasn't feeling much of anything. But once the doctor broke my water I was feeling it. At a little before 7 centimeters dilated I got my epidural. Which was heaven, btw. After I got it done the nurse said "Did you just have a contraction?" I was like "I dunno. No, I guess." and she goes "Yeah you did. A pretty big one." Then I took a short nap. About 45 minutes after getting my heaven drip they checked me and said I was ready to push. I only pushed for 18 minutes and with just a minor rip Oliver was here. It sucked pretty bad. But I'd do it over again about a million times if it meant having him. He's such an angel. I can't believe he's already almost a month old.

I also got married since the last time I posted. I was huge but it was fun. I got to see my whole family. We had lots of fun. Married life is just like not married life. There's just a piece of paper making it legal. Still, it has been fun so far. Yet sadly, The last time I had sex was on my wedding night. Towards the end of my pregnancy Tim started freaking out even more about Oliver being like right there. He didn't want to hurt him.. which doesn't happen anyway. But whatever. So now he's apparently always in the mood and wants to bone me like crazy and I'm not allowed to have sex for another 2 weeks or so. Frustrating as hell. But oh wells. I'm betting we'll make up for it when we can.

Money is getting to be pretty tight. Tim has had to pay for 2 months of student loans and it's been about $500 per payment. He doesn't have a job and I don't go back to work till July 24th. And the money we have left is just some of what we got from the wedding. He has one more student loan payment before he gets it differed again. Plus about $700 of bills that we usually have per month anyway. Right now we have about $1000 in the bank. Needless to say, I'm a little freaked out. But Tim just got hired at a factory in Crestline and all that has to go through is his background check and he's in. Hopefully that happens quick....

Well, that's all that is going on right now. I plan on posting more in the coming weeks. Now that I'm used to Oliver's schedule I find myself doing a lot more. I hope I get to being my old self again quick.

Ta.