naivefoxkit
not worth a title (contradicting i know...)
i've grown tired of everything
There she sits so helpless
Just waiting for that special day
The day she set aside
When she'll take her life away
Up until that day
she'll screw her life up more
taking all the drugs
And cutting like before
Stories of her messed up life
Are written on her skin
Keeping count of all the times
The knife tends to win
Scarlet scars upon her wrists
Tell of all the times
She tried to go but something
Stopped her suicidal crimes
Her blood shot eyes tell of all
the countless times she's cry
So her end she will decide
As that day comes around
When her precious life she'll take
she'll bring up all the pain inside
And one cut she'll make
Never will she stop to think
of all the people she will miss
You can call it ignorance
but ignorance is bliss
As she starts to think about
The story of her life
She wants to end it faster
Just to end in strife
She curls up in the corner
and she begins to cry
all the while voices whisper
just FUCKING go and die
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Thursday's Rampage...
It was Thursday, i had work to do and had all ready planned a movie hang-out thing with some friends.. I had no reason to drink. though, of course, it was my beloved smirf-ice, and i could not resist when it was suggested. the point is it was halarious because i stopped drinking after only my third one (pathetic, i know) but there were no more and there were other people drinking. i kind of missed out...damn assholes drinking all MY smirf-ice.
i suppose i realized that i wasnt getting anymore anytime soon, so i said the hell with control, even if i only had three. normally i can put down a hell lot more but whatever, my supplies were limited.
at first all was cool. i was content sitting next to kyle, with richa and her bobby, and will and brian and his ruth. im pretty sure we were watching scarface. nice movie but hell too drawn out to sit through. so i downed my first drink rather quickly as the movie started. downed the second one before i was yelled at for drinking more than i said i would. i had to search for the third one because everyone was all 'no dont drink that". they wanted it, richa had one, and kyle was all ready sipping on MY black cherry ice. he stole two of them. anyway. the next morning i was told the events of the night.
appartently, i laughed all through the movie, and complained that kyle refused to give me his drink. i managed to make numerous phone calls to justin and addy, and to kyle twice after he left to sleep. making a complete fool of myself, i must apoligize to those people.
what else, i ruined the movie so everyone went back to their own rooms. i was cranky and made multiple darts for the door to go godsknow where. and screamed in brian's face when he picked me up to keep my from hitting people and running out the door. i also hit bobby a few times, and richa and threw things at them with the reasoning 'your annoying me'.
later on i was watching ice hockey on tv and yelling at it because some team was losing and threw the remote a few more times. then i started to watch the crow, and explained in detail why the part he rips off his face skin and it falls into the sink was my favorite part. there was also a lot of cursing and more shouting and more me being annoyed. 'get the hell off me, i dont like to be touched' was a quote i used often. oh, and "fuck you too"
after that i think richa walked me back to my room, there i watched some more tv, tryed not to drink the remaining drinks in my refrigerator, and went to sleep around 330.
only to get up at 5, get out of bed at 630 for class.
it was fun. lets do it again. [ this time with more ice ;) ]
i suppose i realized that i wasnt getting anymore anytime soon, so i said the hell with control, even if i only had three. normally i can put down a hell lot more but whatever, my supplies were limited.
at first all was cool. i was content sitting next to kyle, with richa and her bobby, and will and brian and his ruth. im pretty sure we were watching scarface. nice movie but hell too drawn out to sit through. so i downed my first drink rather quickly as the movie started. downed the second one before i was yelled at for drinking more than i said i would. i had to search for the third one because everyone was all 'no dont drink that". they wanted it, richa had one, and kyle was all ready sipping on MY black cherry ice. he stole two of them. anyway. the next morning i was told the events of the night.
appartently, i laughed all through the movie, and complained that kyle refused to give me his drink. i managed to make numerous phone calls to justin and addy, and to kyle twice after he left to sleep. making a complete fool of myself, i must apoligize to those people.
what else, i ruined the movie so everyone went back to their own rooms. i was cranky and made multiple darts for the door to go godsknow where. and screamed in brian's face when he picked me up to keep my from hitting people and running out the door. i also hit bobby a few times, and richa and threw things at them with the reasoning 'your annoying me'.
later on i was watching ice hockey on tv and yelling at it because some team was losing and threw the remote a few more times. then i started to watch the crow, and explained in detail why the part he rips off his face skin and it falls into the sink was my favorite part. there was also a lot of cursing and more shouting and more me being annoyed. 'get the hell off me, i dont like to be touched' was a quote i used often. oh, and "fuck you too"
after that i think richa walked me back to my room, there i watched some more tv, tryed not to drink the remaining drinks in my refrigerator, and went to sleep around 330.
only to get up at 5, get out of bed at 630 for class.
it was fun. lets do it again. [ this time with more ice ;) ]
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.
im sitting here at a friend's computer desk, ive just finished another essay due by monday. really i dont know what to do. im done my work for now. now what. theres always more to do, i just have to find it.
ive realized that hardly anyone uses this to comunicate anymore, so i am just using this site to get things off my mind. swallow my sorrows i suppose.
last i night drank, not really into it but just passing time as was i completeing some homework. i drank much into the night, some people came over. i call them friends because all my others are at home, and dont speak to me that often anymore. maybe its my fault, i dont speak to them enough. but we've all choosen our paths i guess.
mine, well, im not really sure where the hell im going. its not really my time to decide where i plan to end up in ten years. im not even sure where i'll be tonight. but all the same im still lost. no, i wont find what im looking for, i never will. mainly because im living someone elses life. i still try hard to make my family smile, to keep them safe.
im sure im just in the same situation as everyone else, but i feel like i should know something by now. though i dont.
im in an environmental science major right now. i dont know what im suppose to do with this. but maybe it'll come along... biology was my second choice, ecology my third. though each is a very broad subject that i dont know which direction i am to take. but i figure im just going to throw myself in it and see what comes out of it. i can always change my mind later if im careful.
other than that, i got a new cat, my dog died, im so tired i cant sleep, so i drink. my friends are changing, my familys having it hard, i try to change but end up being the same girl you knew since 1st grade. blahblahblah... i hate complaining so i'll leave it there. im not the only one with problems i know this.... and more blahs with no point worth mentioning.
and i go back to the same pathetic saying i wrote a million tiring times, i need a vacation...
ive realized that hardly anyone uses this to comunicate anymore, so i am just using this site to get things off my mind. swallow my sorrows i suppose.
last i night drank, not really into it but just passing time as was i completeing some homework. i drank much into the night, some people came over. i call them friends because all my others are at home, and dont speak to me that often anymore. maybe its my fault, i dont speak to them enough. but we've all choosen our paths i guess.
mine, well, im not really sure where the hell im going. its not really my time to decide where i plan to end up in ten years. im not even sure where i'll be tonight. but all the same im still lost. no, i wont find what im looking for, i never will. mainly because im living someone elses life. i still try hard to make my family smile, to keep them safe.
im sure im just in the same situation as everyone else, but i feel like i should know something by now. though i dont.
im in an environmental science major right now. i dont know what im suppose to do with this. but maybe it'll come along... biology was my second choice, ecology my third. though each is a very broad subject that i dont know which direction i am to take. but i figure im just going to throw myself in it and see what comes out of it. i can always change my mind later if im careful.
other than that, i got a new cat, my dog died, im so tired i cant sleep, so i drink. my friends are changing, my familys having it hard, i try to change but end up being the same girl you knew since 1st grade. blahblahblah... i hate complaining so i'll leave it there. im not the only one with problems i know this.... and more blahs with no point worth mentioning.
and i go back to the same pathetic saying i wrote a million tiring times, i need a vacation...
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Naivefoxkit's Melo Quick Entry
The contents of this post will become available after the final migration. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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Mirror Image
just a beautiful shadow
all you mean to me
just a beautiful shadow
is all you'll ever be . . .
moonlight sways from bough to bough
silently as the silver rain
a symphony of oaks and beech -
the sleeping childs melody . . .
MIRROR IMAGE
your dark embrace entrances me
your cold eyes - a hypnotic dance of ecstacy
that uncaring stature of arbitrary . . .
-a wall you hide beheind ?
''the hard stares and cruel sneers
the heartless acts and brutal thoughts
oh come so naturally
-to somone such as me.''
that enduring cloak of bitterness
has wrapped its thorns around me so
-oh demon, tell me i must this know
is it the wall you hide beheind?
''there is no vengence as the ones in mind
no bloodthirst that i could deny
though, there is no heart as black as thine
dare thee tread this path of mine?''
demon, i tell you this with a sorrowed heart
I 've tryed to play the perfect part
of this imaged creature here, below my feet,
slain, for my hand i give and my soul to keep.
tonight the child sleeps peacefully . . .
all you mean to me
just a beautiful shadow
is all you'll ever be . . .
moonlight sways from bough to bough
silently as the silver rain
a symphony of oaks and beech -
the sleeping childs melody . . .
your dark embrace entrances me
your cold eyes - a hypnotic dance of ecstacy
that uncaring stature of arbitrary . . .
-a wall you hide beheind ?
''the hard stares and cruel sneers
the heartless acts and brutal thoughts
oh come so naturally
-to somone such as me.''
that enduring cloak of bitterness
has wrapped its thorns around me so
-oh demon, tell me i must this know
is it the wall you hide beheind?
''there is no vengence as the ones in mind
no bloodthirst that i could deny
though, there is no heart as black as thine
dare thee tread this path of mine?''
demon, i tell you this with a sorrowed heart
I 've tryed to play the perfect part
of this imaged creature here, below my feet,
slain, for my hand i give and my soul to keep.
tonight the child sleeps peacefully . . .
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.In the crys of a child..
i can look back now and laugh, because my beliefs are different today, but i look back and realize that i had, in fact, feared the idea of a god- because i had been taught to. Something that held me in chains, i could not defeat. But those feelings faded rather quickly as i started to care less about religion and fear, about human life in general. i lost any faith in Purpose that remained when i looked outside, saw the world, and met Man.
It was then that my passion to serve humanity weakened. my love turned to a hollow tolerence, and my patience had slowly become an insuffable chore.
i no longer looked upon achievement as a new and welcoming stage of progession, but as the years followed suit, and continued to draw me closer to the collar of society and the disgrace thats become Humanity; my only fear became and still remains, that i too will forget what its like to watch the stars. and that i too will have nothing better than my shallow heart to give you.
i can only look, with a sense of pathetic despiration, to the faces of these people among me, who at times seem to have lost their own hearts. To another glitch of some kind of blinded hope. And being that my years are still not numerous enough to be concidered wise, These words being only a plead, begging with cold tear-stricken faces, to not make us throw our hearts away.
. . . and though, like many others, my agonizing screams fall upon deaf ears, and shallow hearts...
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blah-ness ^-^
summers coming. warm nights and blinding daylight. summer rain and sleeping outside. no more bound indoors by the blistering cold. plus no school, at least for a month or so. no more high-pitched hormonic voices screeching about their newest shoes and who fucked who.
no more unnecessary fake smiles and good hearted comments.
And with life put aside, one can finally start living.
i realize i havent posted anything or talked to anyone lately. i dont see the point. no one really reads it, if its not about them. but im bored and just came from practice less than an hour ago. its not as cold but still bright.
im starting a job at the county shelter. at least its better than that damn tjmaxx.
those people were annoying. expectually when they have annoying voices and wont leave you along. but isnt life like that. cant kill them all, so you mindaswell put up with them. lol. yeah if thats not irrational.
anyway, i think i'll just stop there..
no more unnecessary fake smiles and good hearted comments.
And with life put aside, one can finally start living.
i realize i havent posted anything or talked to anyone lately. i dont see the point. no one really reads it, if its not about them. but im bored and just came from practice less than an hour ago. its not as cold but still bright.
im starting a job at the county shelter. at least its better than that damn tjmaxx.
those people were annoying. expectually when they have annoying voices and wont leave you along. but isnt life like that. cant kill them all, so you mindaswell put up with them. lol. yeah if thats not irrational.
anyway, i think i'll just stop there..
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so if i died ...
ive been sitting alone all day, since my people are out running around doing whatever they do over the course of the holidays. though they came back near 6 or so, all hysterical. i was in the hospital, almost the worst 5 hours of my life. it seems the doctors were more alarmed then i was at the time. running around like a bunch of idiots...
the only thing i really remember was a sharp pain in the side of my chest. i dropped the glass i had in my hand and started to black out. i figure i walked to my neighbors and managed not to pass out at all. but to make a long story short, the doctors took tests and concluded they have no fucking idea what caused it. ...fucking morons. however they did say something about heart something or other. big words and drugs dont work out well together but really oh well. could be worst i suppose.
anyway, after those ''inconclusive'' tests, as they called them, they wanted to keep me over night. for more inconclusive tests i imagine. those drugs they shot me with did take the pain away for awhile i'll give them that, but i dont see the point when the pain will only return in a hour and since its bearable nonetheless. i told them i wanted to go home and wanted no more of their damned drugs, they laughed at me of course. said ''the doctor wants to keep you here over night and if we find that everythings alright then you can go home.'' then stuck me with another shot of those painkillers.
after awhile i could feel control over my body since they obviously had no idea how those painkillers would affect me, i put real clothes back on and walk out to where my parents were sitting...i had to ask some guy directions though i'll admit. my parents were, well parents. they started freaking out like get back in there oh my god... over reacting in my opinion. i told them i could come back later i wanted to go home. the nurses got there im guessing when i was half way out the door. even though i had no idea where our truck was parked. all i wanted to do was go home and watch tv. its been a bit of a rough night and i do not want to spend it in a place with coughing and gagging and foul smelling people all around me.
it pissed me off when a nurse grabbed my arm like some law inforcement. i honestly had enough with it. i just pulled away and walked out the door. my parents were worried but if they dont know whats wrong with me they cant fix it. besides its not like its never happened before. i told these people my last time in there there was pain in my chest at times. their decision was that there was nothing there. i suppose theres nothing to say then is there
im home now obviously. tired as hell but cant sleep. they gave in and told me to take pills for the pain. the pain is gone now assholes... i have another appointment, for more ''inconclusive tests'' im guessing. it comes and goes. over the years ive gotten used to it and let it take its course. this is the first time it got so bad though. they seem concerned...
so i may be dying - i may be too hopeful ... either way im not afraid to die
the only thing i really remember was a sharp pain in the side of my chest. i dropped the glass i had in my hand and started to black out. i figure i walked to my neighbors and managed not to pass out at all. but to make a long story short, the doctors took tests and concluded they have no fucking idea what caused it. ...fucking morons. however they did say something about heart something or other. big words and drugs dont work out well together but really oh well. could be worst i suppose.
anyway, after those ''inconclusive'' tests, as they called them, they wanted to keep me over night. for more inconclusive tests i imagine. those drugs they shot me with did take the pain away for awhile i'll give them that, but i dont see the point when the pain will only return in a hour and since its bearable nonetheless. i told them i wanted to go home and wanted no more of their damned drugs, they laughed at me of course. said ''the doctor wants to keep you here over night and if we find that everythings alright then you can go home.'' then stuck me with another shot of those painkillers.
after awhile i could feel control over my body since they obviously had no idea how those painkillers would affect me, i put real clothes back on and walk out to where my parents were sitting...i had to ask some guy directions though i'll admit. my parents were, well parents. they started freaking out like get back in there oh my god... over reacting in my opinion. i told them i could come back later i wanted to go home. the nurses got there im guessing when i was half way out the door. even though i had no idea where our truck was parked. all i wanted to do was go home and watch tv. its been a bit of a rough night and i do not want to spend it in a place with coughing and gagging and foul smelling people all around me.
it pissed me off when a nurse grabbed my arm like some law inforcement. i honestly had enough with it. i just pulled away and walked out the door. my parents were worried but if they dont know whats wrong with me they cant fix it. besides its not like its never happened before. i told these people my last time in there there was pain in my chest at times. their decision was that there was nothing there. i suppose theres nothing to say then is there
im home now obviously. tired as hell but cant sleep. they gave in and told me to take pills for the pain. the pain is gone now assholes... i have another appointment, for more ''inconclusive tests'' im guessing. it comes and goes. over the years ive gotten used to it and let it take its course. this is the first time it got so bad though. they seem concerned...
so i may be dying - i may be too hopeful ... either way im not afraid to die
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new years is friday..
its not as cold outside as i would have imagined it to be, though surprisingly it was much colder down south. of course we did stay in the mountains, so yeah. not much is to be said and most people probably dont care what i did over the course of this 'winter vacation'. but i did see my grandfather, hes from germany, he tells us werid stories that we never understand... but no ones really reading this so i'll just stop there
i broke my finger and two toes, rock climbing through the blue ridge mountains. no its not bad. it was fun, but next time i'll take the ''beware of falling rocks'' sign more seriously. or maybe i wont, but thats not the point
christmas is over and now what to do for new years.. i'll probably do nothing because i wont make up my mind. but it really doesnt matter since its only a dumb ritual people use as an excuse to get drunk. yeah, so what to do... stay home and order pizza . its better then spending the night at my aunts house
but the new year means schools almost over which means i have to settle my thoughts into a system im bound to become a slave to in my later years considering i live that long. i hate that but what about it. the sooner i get this life over with the sooner its over with. and then nothing. but seeing the world as i do, i dont seem to have a problem with that. the sooner i learn the sooner im free, right? psh.. but why am i asking you. you're probably not even listening
anyway if i have something to say later i'll say it later.
i broke my finger and two toes, rock climbing through the blue ridge mountains. no its not bad. it was fun, but next time i'll take the ''beware of falling rocks'' sign more seriously. or maybe i wont, but thats not the point
christmas is over and now what to do for new years.. i'll probably do nothing because i wont make up my mind. but it really doesnt matter since its only a dumb ritual people use as an excuse to get drunk. yeah, so what to do... stay home and order pizza . its better then spending the night at my aunts house
but the new year means schools almost over which means i have to settle my thoughts into a system im bound to become a slave to in my later years considering i live that long. i hate that but what about it. the sooner i get this life over with the sooner its over with. and then nothing. but seeing the world as i do, i dont seem to have a problem with that. the sooner i learn the sooner im free, right? psh.. but why am i asking you. you're probably not even listening
anyway if i have something to say later i'll say it later.
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1:10
ok. so the furture is planned and the past is past.
though not as sick as i was, im leaving for a week and honestly dont feel like coming back.. but thats bullshit. cause im stuck in this pit for another year
hopefully i'll get out soon enough. i would love to live up north again with my uncle in maine. though if i get accepted to the university of vermont, i shall live with the other uncle there. but closer to home i suppose is better for now... though, im rambling
so goodnight..
though not as sick as i was, im leaving for a week and honestly dont feel like coming back.. but thats bullshit. cause im stuck in this pit for another year
hopefully i'll get out soon enough. i would love to live up north again with my uncle in maine. though if i get accepted to the university of vermont, i shall live with the other uncle there. but closer to home i suppose is better for now... though, im rambling
so goodnight..
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just feeling sick...
im not going to school tomorrow. its only a half day anyway. i'll make up the tests and work some other time. i dont really feel up to it right now.
for some reason im still puking up my guts. it seems i cant stay away from the bathroom long without having to run back in.
i dont know ...hate sickness
things will go on ...
for some reason im still puking up my guts. it seems i cant stay away from the bathroom long without having to run back in.
i dont know ...hate sickness
things will go on ...
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.and so, one-by-one, they walk into the pit of Hell.
hm.. so many people.
i finished shopping, but the stores ...sheesh. i had to leave for a bit before i went back in. i cant stand all those morons fighting over toys and clothes and such, those presents are only going to be forgotten in a month or two anyway.
i didnt go to school friday due to the vomiting. i was sick as a dog as they say it, puking up my guts like a fucking bulimic. but it wasnt that bad. i got bored so i cleaned the house, but did none of my homework. im going to fail this marking period.
what else...my family is having christmas earily this year. we get to open presents and have dinner on the 24th instead. ''santas coming early this year." is what i said.
this is because we're leaving for north carolina, 4 in the morning the next day. getting up that earily is not much a problem since i usually get up at 5, but its a saturday, in which i like to sleep in.
psh, damn family vacations. i really dont know what im going to do down there for a whole week. perhaps i'll go explore and get lost in some random woodland. or not...
but we are also staying at some island off the coast, somewhere, i dont remember the name. but its a damn beach with nothing but big houses, sand, cold ocean weather, and snobby people. i refused to enjoy that since there wont even be a secluded place i could get away from those people.
and i hate beaches. ... damn sand.
eh.. i suppose thats it. oh, and i just realized that christopher walken does a voice on the disney movie 'Antz'. i didnt know that. *shrugs* (hes like a favorite actor or such, for those who didnt know)
i finished shopping, but the stores ...sheesh. i had to leave for a bit before i went back in. i cant stand all those morons fighting over toys and clothes and such, those presents are only going to be forgotten in a month or two anyway.
i didnt go to school friday due to the vomiting. i was sick as a dog as they say it, puking up my guts like a fucking bulimic. but it wasnt that bad. i got bored so i cleaned the house, but did none of my homework. im going to fail this marking period.
what else...my family is having christmas earily this year. we get to open presents and have dinner on the 24th instead. ''santas coming early this year." is what i said.
this is because we're leaving for north carolina, 4 in the morning the next day. getting up that earily is not much a problem since i usually get up at 5, but its a saturday, in which i like to sleep in.
psh, damn family vacations. i really dont know what im going to do down there for a whole week. perhaps i'll go explore and get lost in some random woodland. or not...
but we are also staying at some island off the coast, somewhere, i dont remember the name. but its a damn beach with nothing but big houses, sand, cold ocean weather, and snobby people. i refused to enjoy that since there wont even be a secluded place i could get away from those people.
and i hate beaches. ... damn sand.
eh.. i suppose thats it. oh, and i just realized that christopher walken does a voice on the disney movie 'Antz'. i didnt know that. *shrugs* (hes like a favorite actor or such, for those who didnt know)
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an overview for you
...while i try to think what as happened over the past months, i never come up with much to talk about. things come, and things go. why make a fuss over it.
i suppose in an overview...
new friends were made and troubles started. i hated and forgave and once again could care less. i made your decision my burden then decided to push it aside, and only watch. i saw you struggle and tried to stand by you even though our opinions may have differed. but now it seems you may have pulled yourself through. maybe things will go back to the way it was...maybe. truthfully i'll say you were much more distant when this started. but even though our values differ and we seem to chose different paths.. i still consider you my childhood friend ..the closest next to kascey.
i really dont know what to say after that.... i thought i loved, but found my heart unable. and found it wasnt love at all. a fine line between love and friendship, i so foolishly crossed. im not sure where it all stands with this now. but i will tell you this, having me that close is not worth all that much...for my love may betray you but i know my friendship will not. i do not hold love in much reguard ..as a loner and as a child i do not understand it and would much rather kill for a friend than risk my heart for a lover ...call these words pathetic but its the best i could express it.
and im glad i was able to talk to an old friend lately, though i think you may hold me in higher respect than i am worthy of. im not all that great. i may not do drugs or give into temptations all that easily..but still. you say im smart but i feel your smarter than me though you may deny it. i'll admit i do not know you as much as i should or as much as i would like to. but then again lately it seems i dont know many of my friends as well as i thought i did. i do believe in some ways our beliefs are the same. sometimes your thoughts mirror my own. i read your words and think 'yeah thats i how i feel' but i could never put them in the words you do. and im greatful that at least i can read them and feel those words are understood. and for that i thank you.
this entry may sound as retarted as they can get, but if you know me then you would understand i cannot say these words as i feel them.. my feelings often contradict themselves ... so forgive me if my words to you are not well put ..and if you dont know to whom im talking to then screw you , im not used to explaining my actions nonetheless my feelings to anyone ..so fuck off
though in other news.. im applying to colleges because my parents want so much for me... and of course i will not deny them. i went christmas shopping and told everyone i wanted nothing in return. i dont get christmas...
i am starting to struggle in school, but im getting to it. i'll fix it. that lady talked again to me about depression and medication. i had about enough and told her i wanted no more of her opinions and decided to leave. im taking my driving test in feb. though honestly i dont want to drive. and am now an active member of Defenders and the Alaskian Wolf Campain ... once again you can call me pathetic or whatever you wish, but i would rather defend wolves than humanity.
anyway, ive written too much and no one will probably read this because its so long.lol. but for some reason it would help if you would ...
i suppose in an overview...
new friends were made and troubles started. i hated and forgave and once again could care less. i made your decision my burden then decided to push it aside, and only watch. i saw you struggle and tried to stand by you even though our opinions may have differed. but now it seems you may have pulled yourself through. maybe things will go back to the way it was...maybe. truthfully i'll say you were much more distant when this started. but even though our values differ and we seem to chose different paths.. i still consider you my childhood friend ..the closest next to kascey.
i really dont know what to say after that.... i thought i loved, but found my heart unable. and found it wasnt love at all. a fine line between love and friendship, i so foolishly crossed. im not sure where it all stands with this now. but i will tell you this, having me that close is not worth all that much...for my love may betray you but i know my friendship will not. i do not hold love in much reguard ..as a loner and as a child i do not understand it and would much rather kill for a friend than risk my heart for a lover ...call these words pathetic but its the best i could express it.
and im glad i was able to talk to an old friend lately, though i think you may hold me in higher respect than i am worthy of. im not all that great. i may not do drugs or give into temptations all that easily..but still. you say im smart but i feel your smarter than me though you may deny it. i'll admit i do not know you as much as i should or as much as i would like to. but then again lately it seems i dont know many of my friends as well as i thought i did. i do believe in some ways our beliefs are the same. sometimes your thoughts mirror my own. i read your words and think 'yeah thats i how i feel' but i could never put them in the words you do. and im greatful that at least i can read them and feel those words are understood. and for that i thank you.
this entry may sound as retarted as they can get, but if you know me then you would understand i cannot say these words as i feel them.. my feelings often contradict themselves ... so forgive me if my words to you are not well put ..and if you dont know to whom im talking to then screw you , im not used to explaining my actions nonetheless my feelings to anyone ..so fuck off
though in other news.. im applying to colleges because my parents want so much for me... and of course i will not deny them. i went christmas shopping and told everyone i wanted nothing in return. i dont get christmas...
i am starting to struggle in school, but im getting to it. i'll fix it. that lady talked again to me about depression and medication. i had about enough and told her i wanted no more of her opinions and decided to leave. im taking my driving test in feb. though honestly i dont want to drive. and am now an active member of Defenders and the Alaskian Wolf Campain ... once again you can call me pathetic or whatever you wish, but i would rather defend wolves than humanity.
anyway, ive written too much and no one will probably read this because its so long.lol. but for some reason it would help if you would ...
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.step one: college
::stares blankly::
.. so, now what? i got into Rutgers college, at least thats what the lady on the phone said, but i have my doubts. i know my grades are not that good, i dont have the whole "oh my god i love life" type attitude. im more the "bite me" kinda thing... or not, im not that bad?. it doesnt matter. i should be pleased with myself, but im not. i should be greatful im doing something instead of nothing, but again im not.
i find myself missing something i had thrown away ...though im not quite sure what that something is. everyone has pretty much left me alone. and im pleased. solitude is my heaven.
but this solitude is missing something i think.. my anger as been in vain, for no purpose as come from it. it came so naturally, my hatred for humanity ..and it wont change. i live in our world because it makes my family happy.
*sighs* but anyway,
a longer weekend is coming up and im wondering what to do with it.
it does seem though that people have noticed my bitterness (if thats what you want to call it), ...my mom almost bit my head off when i waited for some man to pick up the can he dropped, when i got bored with the fact he was crippled an asshole and was just harsh to his kid a few moments ago, i took a step up kicked the can at him, and told him he was blocking the aisle. nothing i thought wasnt reasonable. but apparently it was..lol
*shrugs* the kid thought it was funny...
::reads over entry::
. . there was no point to this was there ?. . .
.. so, now what? i got into Rutgers college, at least thats what the lady on the phone said, but i have my doubts. i know my grades are not that good, i dont have the whole "oh my god i love life" type attitude. im more the "bite me" kinda thing... or not, im not that bad?. it doesnt matter. i should be pleased with myself, but im not. i should be greatful im doing something instead of nothing, but again im not.
i find myself missing something i had thrown away ...though im not quite sure what that something is. everyone has pretty much left me alone. and im pleased. solitude is my heaven.
but this solitude is missing something i think.. my anger as been in vain, for no purpose as come from it. it came so naturally, my hatred for humanity ..and it wont change. i live in our world because it makes my family happy.
*sighs* but anyway,
a longer weekend is coming up and im wondering what to do with it.
it does seem though that people have noticed my bitterness (if thats what you want to call it), ...my mom almost bit my head off when i waited for some man to pick up the can he dropped, when i got bored with the fact he was crippled an asshole and was just harsh to his kid a few moments ago, i took a step up kicked the can at him, and told him he was blocking the aisle. nothing i thought wasnt reasonable. but apparently it was..lol
*shrugs* the kid thought it was funny...
::reads over entry::
. . there was no point to this was there ?. . .
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a song the tree sings, when the wind blows...
last night i stood on my backporch, i could feel winter numbing my fingertips
my face and my heart . i thought about what i was doing there, why was i still there.. i have no plan no effort no dream .. ive found ive lost my breath .. i do not breathe. i just am.. because ...just because
for them i will live.. for their happiness i will allow myself to suffer
for my family i will bleed ..allow my spirit to wither and die
because ive come to love them more than myself being
..if it were up to me i would leave them all beheind..leave everyone behiend
not out of hatred..i do not hate you
i see what you make of life ..what you want out of it
and do not agree .. i dont want that ..dont need that
so i would walk away and give it away to something worth while .. my death trees.. the forest i see in my nightmares .. i could spend hours counting endless seconds of a broken clock but can not change this heart of mine ..though ive tryed..ive tryed to change for you for everyone but i see no point in doing so .. you will use me as i used you .. an endless circle of greed and ..humanity....
you need to feel needed, to feel love or loved and to hate.. you need someone to blame, something to do ..
...but i dont need you
i say this not out of hatred or even my bitterness..but the simple fact that i can die on my own ....
yes i am bitter .. i am cruel when its nessassary ..
...i would not hesitate to kill for you ..or to kill you
its simply life ...life death and murder ...betrayal, greed ..pity..
heartache and desire ..
its all the same really ...
theres no need to cry .. though my tears i spill often .. frostbite is painful
and ive fell to my knees on more than one occasion..pleading with a god who would listen.. allow my loved ones their happiness.. they deseve to keep it ..and my life shall be at a closing.. this bloodcraving put to rest
i do not fear death..
my face and my heart . i thought about what i was doing there, why was i still there.. i have no plan no effort no dream .. ive found ive lost my breath .. i do not breathe. i just am.. because ...just because
for them i will live.. for their happiness i will allow myself to suffer
for my family i will bleed ..allow my spirit to wither and die
because ive come to love them more than myself being
..if it were up to me i would leave them all beheind..leave everyone behiend
not out of hatred..i do not hate you
i see what you make of life ..what you want out of it
and do not agree .. i dont want that ..dont need that
so i would walk away and give it away to something worth while .. my death trees.. the forest i see in my nightmares .. i could spend hours counting endless seconds of a broken clock but can not change this heart of mine ..though ive tryed..ive tryed to change for you for everyone but i see no point in doing so .. you will use me as i used you .. an endless circle of greed and ..humanity....
you need to feel needed, to feel love or loved and to hate.. you need someone to blame, something to do ..
...but i dont need you
i say this not out of hatred or even my bitterness..but the simple fact that i can die on my own ....
yes i am bitter .. i am cruel when its nessassary ..
...i would not hesitate to kill for you ..or to kill you
its simply life ...life death and murder ...betrayal, greed ..pity..
heartache and desire ..
its all the same really ...
theres no need to cry .. though my tears i spill often .. frostbite is painful
and ive fell to my knees on more than one occasion..pleading with a god who would listen.. allow my loved ones their happiness.. they deseve to keep it ..and my life shall be at a closing.. this bloodcraving put to rest
i do not fear death..
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im lost ...
maybe i should make a list of the people i should hate and the people i shouldn't hate,
if this thing goes on any longer we will all be at each others throats ... which doesnt make much sense in the first place now does it? what would we gain from such a foolish and pety disagreement or agruement or whatever this is
i say pizza and a horror movie will make things better..
though perhaps i'll be the only one since no one means anything to each other anymore .. or so it seems
i dont know
?
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?
*pouts* i think i've done something wrong ...
*laughs* but after spending some time on her own this wolf wants to play
i say AIRHOCKEY!!! who's ready for some bloodshed ! !
...it does seem though that people take life too seriously
*cocks head to side, confused*
*laughs* but after spending some time on her own this wolf wants to play
i say AIRHOCKEY!!! who's ready for some bloodshed ! !
...it does seem though that people take life too seriously
*cocks head to side, confused*
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."the ’tick’ ’tock’ of the clock is painful".
the days have been long lately .. or prehaps too short to remember, though the nights are getting restless . im so tired, too tired to even sleep. i need to get away from the day-to-day scenery... breathe in breathe out. thats all i seem to be doing ...
school is soon.. so soon ... i detest going back to that pulsing cesspool of materialistic loud mouthed teenagers. though its only ten more months, right?
on to Japan after that i suppose. my first attempt to plan out this escape failed miserably, but im working on it.. im wondering if i should go alone or invite a few friends. ohwell...much to think over
i work at 5 tonight ... watching the clock i think of how much i despise those people and all those who come in ... bothering me. ’can you help me?’ no i cant no one can help you bitch you mindaswell go fall off a jagged cliff ... ok that was childish. i should just say ’no’ and walk away. i’ll probably end up quiting and living in a cardboard box the rest of my life. ...though i wouldn’t even be able to afford flood insurance. *sigh* i need to keep the job.
baka ningens.
school is soon.. so soon ... i detest going back to that pulsing cesspool of materialistic loud mouthed teenagers. though its only ten more months, right?
on to Japan after that i suppose. my first attempt to plan out this escape failed miserably, but im working on it.. im wondering if i should go alone or invite a few friends. ohwell...much to think over
i work at 5 tonight ... watching the clock i think of how much i despise those people and all those who come in ... bothering me. ’can you help me?’ no i cant no one can help you bitch you mindaswell go fall off a jagged cliff ... ok that was childish. i should just say ’no’ and walk away. i’ll probably end up quiting and living in a cardboard box the rest of my life. ...though i wouldn’t even be able to afford flood insurance. *sigh* i need to keep the job.
baka ningens.
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.another heartless dream.
i saw that demon again, sheltered in shadows, the winters getting colder ive noticed. these dreams are strange, theyre not like the others...
this dream was the same as the last, only this time i watched him. walking across the frostbitten ground i followed him, he seemed disturbed by this but i followed anyway. we never spoke a word. i noticed i heard no birds, no cars, no wind, the silence was bliss to my ears. i looked to the boughs to see him fade in and out of their luring darkness. hes so cold so distant, distached and indifferent to the world. i see the passive hatred in his eyes, the submissive pain he holds to his cold heart, the way he moves i see hes fighting .. i want to fight him .
he stops suddenly, staring out across the snowcovered forest, a smile comes to his usual carefully composed face. i stop beneath the tree hes in and look questingly to the shadow.
blood is staining the white snow as i struggle back to my feet, holding tight to the dripping gash across my chest. falling to my knees i clutch tighter to the wound, my chest hurts my laughter no longer containable... why am i laughing ... i stare up at him from my postion, a smile lingering on my lips , im in no mood to fight. fighting is pointless. say what you have to say . but he only walks away, back to his shadows. standing there i decide to follow him still ... the breeze whispering my pain away
this dream was the same as the last, only this time i watched him. walking across the frostbitten ground i followed him, he seemed disturbed by this but i followed anyway. we never spoke a word. i noticed i heard no birds, no cars, no wind, the silence was bliss to my ears. i looked to the boughs to see him fade in and out of their luring darkness. hes so cold so distant, distached and indifferent to the world. i see the passive hatred in his eyes, the submissive pain he holds to his cold heart, the way he moves i see hes fighting .. i want to fight him .
he stops suddenly, staring out across the snowcovered forest, a smile comes to his usual carefully composed face. i stop beneath the tree hes in and look questingly to the shadow.
blood is staining the white snow as i struggle back to my feet, holding tight to the dripping gash across my chest. falling to my knees i clutch tighter to the wound, my chest hurts my laughter no longer containable... why am i laughing ... i stare up at him from my postion, a smile lingering on my lips , im in no mood to fight. fighting is pointless. say what you have to say . but he only walks away, back to his shadows. standing there i decide to follow him still ... the breeze whispering my pain away
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.update.
melo is gay ... so slow.
i probably shouldnt even be on the computer i feel like shit. i should be in the bathroom puking up my guts... i havent eaten anything in three days and my moms yelling at me for it. its not my fault im not hungry. i just woke up one morning found myself in the mists of some kind of minor illness which would probably kill me lol, only if .
its been raining the last few days .. ive stayed inside. too exausted to do anything else. ive been so tired lately. its times like these i long for an enternal sleep .. but no im up every few hours ..cant sleep.
though since my parents are working most the time now i took the responsbility of taking care of everything around here. it never seemed like much when i thought about it, but now that im doing it ..its very time comsuming. and now that im dieing and throwing up every hour it makes matters worse.
but honestly i dont mind. somehow i keep moving. even when i consider everything thats wrong with my life, someone else’s is always worse so i shouldnt complain.
i need a drink ... lol
i probably shouldnt even be on the computer i feel like shit. i should be in the bathroom puking up my guts... i havent eaten anything in three days and my moms yelling at me for it. its not my fault im not hungry. i just woke up one morning found myself in the mists of some kind of minor illness which would probably kill me lol, only if .
its been raining the last few days .. ive stayed inside. too exausted to do anything else. ive been so tired lately. its times like these i long for an enternal sleep .. but no im up every few hours ..cant sleep.
though since my parents are working most the time now i took the responsbility of taking care of everything around here. it never seemed like much when i thought about it, but now that im doing it ..its very time comsuming. and now that im dieing and throwing up every hour it makes matters worse.
but honestly i dont mind. somehow i keep moving. even when i consider everything thats wrong with my life, someone else’s is always worse so i shouldnt complain.
i need a drink ... lol
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.dreams of a winter love.
i was walking down the newly worn path in the woods
following only the beats of my heart and the sound of my steps on dieing leaves. tightening the grip i had on my coat i realized for the first time that it was snowing.. ’its so cold in here’
my thoughts drift...
my bare feet were unaffected by the bitterness of the frost my face unstung by the wind ’winter wind...in the middle of summer?’ though again i tightened my coat as if i could wrap away the cold.. cold that seemed only to penatrate my heart
’what the hell is this’ the pain is searing through my chest
i can see winter’s colors swirling around the path ive chosen..its growing dark the sun is sleeping. i can still feel the leaves beneath my feet and the breeze on my face. i let go of my warmth and reach out to trace the trees as i embrace their illuminating shadows ’winters so beautiful’ i smile to myself
amist all this im still walking carelessly, the sky is unusually purple.. theres someone with me tonight. i can feel it his eyes watching me i dont want him there. i like it alone i like when this pain makes it hard to breathe. its winter in my heart
i can feel him through the trees branch by branch he matches my steps through the boughs. i stop beneath the oak i use to climb as a child he stars down at me. his eyes are red ’so beautiful’.
i wish i could see his face but he hides amongst his precious darkness ... his voice amongst the wind..
’i came only to tell you i care for you , i love you , i’ll protect you’
’your my winter heart?’
’im your demon’
following only the beats of my heart and the sound of my steps on dieing leaves. tightening the grip i had on my coat i realized for the first time that it was snowing.. ’its so cold in here’
my thoughts drift...
my bare feet were unaffected by the bitterness of the frost my face unstung by the wind ’winter wind...in the middle of summer?’ though again i tightened my coat as if i could wrap away the cold.. cold that seemed only to penatrate my heart
’what the hell is this’ the pain is searing through my chest
i can see winter’s colors swirling around the path ive chosen..its growing dark the sun is sleeping. i can still feel the leaves beneath my feet and the breeze on my face. i let go of my warmth and reach out to trace the trees as i embrace their illuminating shadows ’winters so beautiful’ i smile to myself
amist all this im still walking carelessly, the sky is unusually purple.. theres someone with me tonight. i can feel it his eyes watching me i dont want him there. i like it alone i like when this pain makes it hard to breathe. its winter in my heart
i can feel him through the trees branch by branch he matches my steps through the boughs. i stop beneath the oak i use to climb as a child he stars down at me. his eyes are red ’so beautiful’.
i wish i could see his face but he hides amongst his precious darkness ... his voice amongst the wind..
’i came only to tell you i care for you , i love you , i’ll protect you’
’your my winter heart?’
’im your demon’
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.one more breath.
theres still a war going on out there somewhere...
people are dieing... they dont deserve it but they serve a cruel god.
my head hurts my stomach is refusing food again i cant eat my parents are arguing i cant sleep my cat is dieing im forced to make my life a heckteck schedule my friends dont get along anymore and among the millions of other random problems you’ll find outside theres still the fact that they’re only human
suffering, pain and this petty selfish anger ...
i find myself outside now, never wanting to come back in
im laughing more than i have in years .. i smile more ive noticed or they’ve noticed or so they say "you look like you’ve been having a good day" ... heh not really .. life is sorrowfully beautiful .
i tell them that and they never understand.
yes, this suffering is painful. this pain is blinding. but now that im blind i can see the bliss of today. see everything
.reality is only what you make it.
i find myself outside .. the rain storms the morning warmth the moonlit grass the percing wind and comfort shadows ..
i said i hated living .. but the truth is that i wouldn’t mind death, i cherish my life as much as i do my death
now i accept the fact that im still breathing
people are dieing... they dont deserve it but they serve a cruel god.
my head hurts my stomach is refusing food again i cant eat my parents are arguing i cant sleep my cat is dieing im forced to make my life a heckteck schedule my friends dont get along anymore and among the millions of other random problems you’ll find outside theres still the fact that they’re only human
suffering, pain and this petty selfish anger ...
i find myself outside now, never wanting to come back in
im laughing more than i have in years .. i smile more ive noticed or they’ve noticed or so they say "you look like you’ve been having a good day" ... heh not really .. life is sorrowfully beautiful .
i tell them that and they never understand.
yes, this suffering is painful. this pain is blinding. but now that im blind i can see the bliss of today. see everything
.reality is only what you make it.
i find myself outside .. the rain storms the morning warmth the moonlit grass the percing wind and comfort shadows ..
i said i hated living .. but the truth is that i wouldn’t mind death, i cherish my life as much as i do my death
now i accept the fact that im still breathing
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.to the knat that wont go away.
this is to someone(s) who probably hate me now and im willing to compromise and cease this war, if you’ll stop being such a baka and move on with me.
yeah.. thats all i had to say to you.
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.hypocrite.
i realize now, that compared to them, im just the child. a child playing in the rain puddles, content with life, in love with the simple beauty of everything around her ...
well almost everything around her, not to mention those baka ningens who think themselves worthy of life (id est: rapist, child molesters, those committing animal cruelity, terrorists, politics, those excessively ungrateful, and the sorts . . .) this is the world we live in?
this growing passion of hatred for humanity ...
let us all burn and suffer until we get it right ...... morons
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naivefoxkit
About Me
...and because of it, I've always love the cold...
Real Name:"a rose by any other name..."
Birthday:
Apr 4 1987
Chat Name:
ookami tsuki
Sex?:
feline ~_-
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