blacked out saturday. scary shit!
got sent home from work for being hungover.
had The Worst Hangover Imaginable :/

I told Jason I wasn't going back to him. He called in sick because he was so upset. wtf ever.

I am done with bullshit. I am going to fake it, because it's better than getting fired.

I was moving on. I was getting over him. I was getting used to not talking to him or acknowledging him at work. 16 days we went without talking.

Then he opened the flood gates and texted me. He took it upon himself to tell me everything. Why he said what he said and how he's been feeling.

The pathetic thing? I believe him. I don't have ANY reason to, but I do.

I am not going back to him though.

I am tired of being tired.
I am tired of work.
I am tired of being so easily disappointed.
I am so tired of drama.

I wish the unit was run more efficiently. I wish there was some decent morale.. everyone hates their life and the manager isn't doing a damned thing to fix it.

I know you're all going to be incredibly jealous when I announce that Josh is coming to steal me away for a week. We're heading to the beach for a MUCH NEEDED vacation together. It's going to be amazingly fun. :)

I'm so fucking angry. I can't stop thinking about it. I hate him for being an asshole. I hate him for wasting my time. I hate him for lying. I hate him for being a fucking pussy. I hate him for his awful timing. I hate him for making me feel bad about myself. I HATE that he bothers me so much.

Don't you dare tell me you love me and then a week later say that your feelings were based on lust and running on fumes. WTF.

How dare you talk to me about where we're going to go on spring break and then say there's no future for us.

How dare you promise me everything and not deliver on a single one.

Fuck you, Saints.

If it's not simple addition, subtraction, division or multiplication, WHY do it? Systems of equations? C'mon. I don't need this for nursing school! Just give me drug calc and I'll be happy.

Life is good. Jason is fantastic (he told me he loved me numerous times since coming back from his sister's place in Bullhead City) and I'm pretty sure Clarisa and I will continue this exploration of our lesbian side ;) I adore her, and have a huge urge to make out everytime i'm around her.

Work sucks but I deal with it because it's a job and I have no choice. I suppose I actually do, but I'm snobby. I wouldn't work anywhere but a hospital.

I need to exercise. I hiked "A" mountain on monday, but haven't done anything since. I worked yesterday and had amazing sex.. but that's not enough cardio for me. Maybe I'll go to the gym tonight.

I feel so unhappy today.

Hot guy in my math class. YES!

I am a bit sad the Chargers lost. So now that it's the Saints, Colts, Jets and Vikings.. I'm going for.... THE COLTS. WOO PEYTON MANNING.

A patient at work invited me for a threesome with him and his wife. Details forthcoming.

I am incredibly sad and disappointed that Jason is such a douchebag. To lie to me.. just for a fuck - god. It makes me so mad. I can only assume (with most certainty) that he said all of those amazing things just so that I would sleep with him. He's done this twice already... I've given in and fucked him and after every time he's avoided me for a few days..and then come back saying sorry and other nice things.

I can't do it. It hurts so much to push him out of my life and accept the fact that what I percieved him as and our relationship was a total fabrication.. but it's less pain than constantly being pushed around emotionally.

A patient today said I was really cute, that I was built well with a nice behind and that he wanted to know how sweet I tasted. WTF. He was NOT on any painkillers. Creepy 58 year old. I told my dad about this incident and he told me that I give off a sexual energy and guys pick up on it easily. Um, was this my dad's way of saying i'm a slut? Either way... ugh.

I am feeling so fucking lame today. I was in a good mood at work but now i'm just feeling very sorry for myself. I want love so badly.. it's sickening how much I wish I was engaged and happy. I'm losing faith that some wonderful guy is going to sweep me off of my feet. I hate being alone. I want attention. I want to be adored. I just can't trust anyone anymore. If someone says something nice to me, I'll always wonder what their motives are. I don't get my struggle. I mean.. I have kids, I'm kind of neurotic (normal female neurosis), and I'm still not 100% where I want to be.. but that's always going to be a work in progress. I am not a bad person. I'm capable of being faithful. I'm very giving, pleasing, affectionate, loving.

Create a fantastic resume.
Apply for other (hopefully) better-paying tech positions at other hospitals (UMC/TMC)
Sell back math book.
Buy new math book.
Start working on mid-semester project for math class.
Get divorced.
Go to the gym.
Find a new apartment. Possibly with Clarisa.

I have decided that I am not going to get an attorney. I talked to one yesterday and he's the second one to tell me that custody won't change, that I don't have enough evidence to support my claim. Why am I going to waste thousands of dollars that I don't have to only keep things the same as they are? So, I pawned my wedding ring for nothing, but that's an extra $50 I didn't have before.

I filed my pretrial statement and will continue on to the settlement conference on January 25th. At that point, we will hopefully agree on everything and be done with it. I hope to be divorced officially in the next month or so.

Cameron asked me about Jason last night. She asked when he was coming back and why he wasn't here. She said she wanted to see him. I told him that and he says "At least someone wants to see me right now!". Before that, he was talking to me about coming over so he could have sex with me. I said no, that it was late and I was tired. He didn't like that very much. Well, I don't like the fact that he has no respect for me or my feelings.

We had sex on Saturday. I spent the night at his house. He bought me dinner. He was actually very nice and it was intense love/hate sex. I wanted to punch him in the face, but instead just bruised the shit out of his shoulder by biting him. The next day, he very seldomly responded to my texts and yesterday only responded when I mentioned the idea of sex. It hurts... I mean, Iam much more than a good lay. I am fun. Without this divorce looming over my head, I will be exponentially MUCH happier and laid back. It will only get better, and he doesn't want to acknowledge that. He doesn't want to do any work. He only wants sex and fun, no responsibility. I thought I could do it too, but my feelings are too strong. They always have been.

Right guy, wrong time? Wrong guy, right time?

CARDINALS. COME ON, GUYS. FUCKING WIN A GAME FOR ONCE! IT'S ONLY THE PACKERS.

If Dallas can win.... (poor Eagles!)

I'll be at work. Feel free to text me updates on the games today, please and thank you!

Aside from Alison, I am the only girl I know that enjoys beer, sportscenter and watching actual games. I'm like a fantasy girlfriend.