opium_monkey
Timecard
Not allowed to go until released; watch it punched.
Mark, stamp, date, time.
Those basic moments are recorded, the start of your work to your breaks, to your lunches, then, to the time you leave. Personality, linguistics, intelligence, comments... none of these matter on the basic skelliton structure of your time put in. Not on your time card.
Mark, stamp, date, time.
Dancing along with the waltz of a clockwork.
Mark, stamp, date, time.
Those basic moments are recorded, the start of your work to your breaks, to your lunches, then, to the time you leave. Personality, linguistics, intelligence, comments... none of these matter on the basic skelliton structure of your time put in. Not on your time card.
Mark, stamp, date, time.
Dancing along with the waltz of a clockwork.
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Hungry For a Lynching
I've been getting back heavily into Radiohead; it's been a pretty interesting trip, considering I've been reanylyzing facts laid out infront of me; some of which I was too arrogant and blind to read to begin with. Reading all of the signs clicks the entire picture together, and I can't help but chuckle insanely at the reality I choose to ignore, much as many of us do. You were a tricky friend, you. All I can do is fall to my knees and laugh at myself.
Lately, the desire of self destruction has fascinated me. It's a subject which has come up in many novels I've read lately, and I never really thought over it until this year. Also, I realize I've been pushing myself in that direction, yet again, even though I had strayed far away. It's a funny fascination, self destruction that is. That tells me something about my insane persuit of this ideal I can't obtain.
I thurst for a deep satisfaction to become fulfilled, and I won't wait my entire life for it.
Lately, the desire of self destruction has fascinated me. It's a subject which has come up in many novels I've read lately, and I never really thought over it until this year. Also, I realize I've been pushing myself in that direction, yet again, even though I had strayed far away. It's a funny fascination, self destruction that is. That tells me something about my insane persuit of this ideal I can't obtain.
I thurst for a deep satisfaction to become fulfilled, and I won't wait my entire life for it.
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Building a House of Wax
This morning I went jogging. It was pouring down rain. I have to say, it was one of the most enjoyable experiences ever, feeling my lungs about to burst and the rain frozen on my face, crystalizing emotion an feeling, numbing myself to this exterior world. Beautiful. Most. Fucking. Excellent. I think I'll do it a bit more frequently and get up my endurance. Perhaps I can be built from steel instead of wax.
I took a random not-so-well planned trip to Eugene today with Alice and Tubgirl. The ironic thing was the statement I made about how the spontanious plans always work out whilst the hard worked out ones always fall through. Says a lot about things in life. I'm driving up there, and we bullshit the whole time, enjoying ourselves, and me chuckling with witty laughter; I almost feel like a genius around them. Stopping at the malls, I discovered many cds I couldn't find here and chatted with the Sam Goody clerk for a while, which was interesting. I'm starting to really get my social skills on with random people, which I've never really had a knack for before. Put a smirk to this face. I drove like a maniac, and didn't get arrested or cussed out. Going to Barnes and Noble was like finding a Heaven on Earth; there were so many books there I couldn't find elsewhere. I found a Floater cd there, which shocked me because the lady was commenting on how they just got it in today and she wondered why because it wasn't in their directory at all. Odd. So I bought it and drooled for a while. I drove around Eugene, looking all over this bigger city and wishing I lived here, away from such a small town like this one. Later on we all started bitching to each other about our families, and they agreed my parents were the worst. I mean really, you think how psychologically damaging it is to tell your pre-teen that you wish she was as great as your mentally disabled child? Huh, it might have impaced me somehow. Also saying you're a mistake and untrustworthy and deemed worthy to search through your stuff and keep dog tags on you 24/7 is also acceptable. Fucking hippy douches. Really, there isn't much love towards them at all, huh? Explains my constant leaving of this house and why I wish my door had a lock, to keep my mom from coming in every five seconds and stare at me as I message friends, read up on current events and whatnot. Goddamn, I just want the fuck away from here. Eugene was a good catharsis for that built up tension, and ranting about random issues in my mind. The callases from playing my guitar so hard have built up to this pain, just like the ones all over my body from the super tough exercising I've done lately. I love the feeling of that sore pain in your muscles. It's fucking beautiful. Just like the whole jerking off ego thing; today was all it was for me, with these kids constantly telling me I was fucking metal with a torch.
Now, to use that torch to melt the wax around me...
I took a random not-so-well planned trip to Eugene today with Alice and Tubgirl. The ironic thing was the statement I made about how the spontanious plans always work out whilst the hard worked out ones always fall through. Says a lot about things in life. I'm driving up there, and we bullshit the whole time, enjoying ourselves, and me chuckling with witty laughter; I almost feel like a genius around them. Stopping at the malls, I discovered many cds I couldn't find here and chatted with the Sam Goody clerk for a while, which was interesting. I'm starting to really get my social skills on with random people, which I've never really had a knack for before. Put a smirk to this face. I drove like a maniac, and didn't get arrested or cussed out. Going to Barnes and Noble was like finding a Heaven on Earth; there were so many books there I couldn't find elsewhere. I found a Floater cd there, which shocked me because the lady was commenting on how they just got it in today and she wondered why because it wasn't in their directory at all. Odd. So I bought it and drooled for a while. I drove around Eugene, looking all over this bigger city and wishing I lived here, away from such a small town like this one. Later on we all started bitching to each other about our families, and they agreed my parents were the worst. I mean really, you think how psychologically damaging it is to tell your pre-teen that you wish she was as great as your mentally disabled child? Huh, it might have impaced me somehow. Also saying you're a mistake and untrustworthy and deemed worthy to search through your stuff and keep dog tags on you 24/7 is also acceptable. Fucking hippy douches. Really, there isn't much love towards them at all, huh? Explains my constant leaving of this house and why I wish my door had a lock, to keep my mom from coming in every five seconds and stare at me as I message friends, read up on current events and whatnot. Goddamn, I just want the fuck away from here. Eugene was a good catharsis for that built up tension, and ranting about random issues in my mind. The callases from playing my guitar so hard have built up to this pain, just like the ones all over my body from the super tough exercising I've done lately. I love the feeling of that sore pain in your muscles. It's fucking beautiful. Just like the whole jerking off ego thing; today was all it was for me, with these kids constantly telling me I was fucking metal with a torch.
Now, to use that torch to melt the wax around me...
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Illegal Warrents and the Likes...
Another complex puzzle has unfolded itself again. It feels great to have some struggle to deal with, but it's also really frustrating to always have to keep on your toes. I'm getting great at that.
I spent the day with the crazy insane sexually frustrated kids and enjoyed it, mainly because I went out and got a shitload of music and you know, with sexually frustrated kids, you get free sex. Not really. Har. Har. Har. Coming home was where the spark burst into a flame with my parents; earlier they had claimed they had an adult relationship with me and I come home and get interrogated/searched. My mom had already searched my room and then checked my bags and pockets when I came through the door. I asked her, "What the fuck mom?" and she went off on this tangent about "protecting me from the bad life and all the wrong choices". We had a big arguement over the definition of privacy and where the lines were drawn. She stands that it's right to search my belongings if "she suspects I'm in danger". I called bullshit on her account and went into my perspective. She also bitched me out for keeping the fucking glove box locked and I countered with the fact the insurance card and everything are in there, along with spare gas money, it's a good fucking thing to have locked... and she bitches I'm too secretive and not open enough. Fuck mom, I'm not fucking limpid. I already shouted angrily about the fact they have the other pair of keys to MY car and they could search it whenever the fuck they wanted and how unfair that is. Immedietly I'm calnceled out by my age factor. Before even staying home for five minutes, I tell them I'm heading out to coffee with another group of friends to bullshit with. My mom goes into another tangent that I don't let her know where I am and where I go all the time, and how I never use her cell phone when she REQUIRES me to take it with me. It got ugly and I left. Dealing with my parents is just -so- much fun! < /sarcasm >
Bullshiting with a different person was enjoyable and to get their perspective on things... however, voting is unanimous when it comes to my parents being fucking "odd". I came home with my dad yet again giving his speech about how I need to do something productive with my life and how he's a failure for not raising his children to be perfect conformists. I asked him to watch "Waking Life" and he jumped at me all defensive... Gah, the whole scenero period is difficult to deal with. Later on I said the four words my mom never wanted to hear me say, which are most likely at this standpoint in my life look to be true. I'll still decide my senior year which plans I'll make solid. I just fucking hate this place and the people I constantly see. However, I'm afraid all the people everywhere will be mirror reflections of these ones. There's one person I know who's shattered that mold. Either way, I'm leaving this town and the people here, and most of all, my parents. I really wonder at times how we can be related, with how much we differ, and all.
Silly Melissa, you're just beginning to learn.
I spent the day with the crazy insane sexually frustrated kids and enjoyed it, mainly because I went out and got a shitload of music and you know, with sexually frustrated kids, you get free sex. Not really. Har. Har. Har. Coming home was where the spark burst into a flame with my parents; earlier they had claimed they had an adult relationship with me and I come home and get interrogated/searched. My mom had already searched my room and then checked my bags and pockets when I came through the door. I asked her, "What the fuck mom?" and she went off on this tangent about "protecting me from the bad life and all the wrong choices". We had a big arguement over the definition of privacy and where the lines were drawn. She stands that it's right to search my belongings if "she suspects I'm in danger". I called bullshit on her account and went into my perspective. She also bitched me out for keeping the fucking glove box locked and I countered with the fact the insurance card and everything are in there, along with spare gas money, it's a good fucking thing to have locked... and she bitches I'm too secretive and not open enough. Fuck mom, I'm not fucking limpid. I already shouted angrily about the fact they have the other pair of keys to MY car and they could search it whenever the fuck they wanted and how unfair that is. Immedietly I'm calnceled out by my age factor. Before even staying home for five minutes, I tell them I'm heading out to coffee with another group of friends to bullshit with. My mom goes into another tangent that I don't let her know where I am and where I go all the time, and how I never use her cell phone when she REQUIRES me to take it with me. It got ugly and I left. Dealing with my parents is just -so- much fun! < /sarcasm >
Bullshiting with a different person was enjoyable and to get their perspective on things... however, voting is unanimous when it comes to my parents being fucking "odd". I came home with my dad yet again giving his speech about how I need to do something productive with my life and how he's a failure for not raising his children to be perfect conformists. I asked him to watch "Waking Life" and he jumped at me all defensive... Gah, the whole scenero period is difficult to deal with. Later on I said the four words my mom never wanted to hear me say, which are most likely at this standpoint in my life look to be true. I'll still decide my senior year which plans I'll make solid. I just fucking hate this place and the people I constantly see. However, I'm afraid all the people everywhere will be mirror reflections of these ones. There's one person I know who's shattered that mold. Either way, I'm leaving this town and the people here, and most of all, my parents. I really wonder at times how we can be related, with how much we differ, and all.
Silly Melissa, you're just beginning to learn.
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(no title)
I'm amused, highly. My more masculine side is emerging and I find myself listening to more heavy metal rock types of music and being very agressive. My personality has changed dramatically in the past few days, well, weeks... quite interesting. So are other things I'm observing.
I'm drawn back into the black hole.
I'm drawn back into the black hole.
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Moment of Recidivism Recognition
Sitting, still waiting for the right temperature for this lamp to begin it's abstract illusions so I can escape the outside world for ten minutes. Ten minutes. What is this really worth? These are only symbols used to represent universal concepts inorder to get some kind of communication across. Minutes. Ten. Just sitting, waiting, like we have been all our lives, for something, anything to come along and make it worth while. I waited. I watched. I recieved the stereotypical negative spectrum of emotion, and perhaps now it's reached the point I've become so munbed by it that actually, I get off from it. What was I expecting from this hope? There is never a guarentee in hope, only an institanious emotional opium trip where you -feel- good. When the actual reality hits, you spiral down, and perhaps there is more thrill to the actual ride than to the anticipation created whilst the wait. Mmm. The smell of tabacco draws me in slightly in this anticipation of lightheadedness, with a dripple of smoke spiraling upward. Watching these actions, thining these thoughts bring me back to the same place we've always been, where we've always started. Utterly alone. Nomatter how you communicate, how much your sexual pleasures are fulfilled, how close to are to others and how many surrond you. You are always alone, striving desperately for that understanding and familiarity that eases the harsh reality ever so subtley. The stroke of a lighter, and up comes the flame, lighting the cancer stick drawn to my incoherent obsinities of the current moment I live in. The lamp is thriving with it's illusions to distract my rational thought, or perhaps inspire it.
The soft, overpowering piano of "Vi
The soft, overpowering piano of "Vi
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Another Corpus Callosum Disconection
Ahh, back to the lovable meloworld. Well, I can't really define it as such. I've been writting random ideas and philosphies in this other online journal and almost completey forgot about this snuffbox. Anyway, back onto me.
The past few months have flown by amazingly fast. I thought this holiday season wouldn't have anything to look forward to, but I found myself today antsy at work with this anticipation to see that crazy kid come home. I didn't see him today. A slight bummer, but there'll be two weeks for catching up. It's odd. I've never been so excited for something, and this, most of all. I'm fucking nuts, I tell ya. My parents are gone this weekend, so it's pretty lonely and boring in my house. Last night was intense, however. I watched "Waking Life" with Brittany and I broke down. That movie is so goddamn beautiful, and it set me off into deep thought and into analying issues and coming to the conclusion of one I'm not so sure I want to grasp right now. I don't know how I should confront it now, now that it stands so broad. I thought about the very thing for so long and had different ways to tackle it, but now, time factors into this so much, I don't even know if it's wise for anymore of the emotional baggage that begins to foam at my mouth. Goddamn movie for making me realize what I really want out of my life and the current bond I continue to form. It was a good catharsis for some built up ideas.
Over the start of this school year, this image of me has built up to such a magnatude I cannot grasp; people look up to me as this intelligent guru. It's a shocker, considering how much of a douche I was last year (that was a whole other deep realization I hit this year, the total extent of my sophmoric behavior last year). I have managed to start a philosophy club at Marshfield, which makes me chuckle in that burning herpes way. Often I recieve comments about how "fucking insane" I am. Apparently, people feel intimidated by my wisdom. Yet again, I can't help but chuckle. The motive of that chuckle, that isn't definable. My tolerance of stupidity has reached this apex and I feel I am to burst. Another year in high school and at home is going to kill me. The thing that'll drive me the craziest is those kids coming up to me, calling me so smart and whatnot and wanting me to masterbate on their face. *cough* Dealing with my parents as of late has been pretty easy, mostly pertaining to the fact I never see them and work when I'm not at school. We've developed more of the adult trusting relationship, whereas I be honest with them and they respect me better. However, before they left for the weekend, they gave me a lecture on not having people over and basicly, they still don't trust me, contradicting their claims previous. I giggled and told them there was nothing to worry about, because nobody would be over period. This I could just sense, because I know these things. Hur. Hur. Hur.
Other dramatic events have settled down. Dominic is still heavily head-over-heels with me, and I think I might litterally have to smack himin the face with a brick for the point to get across. A bit sad, yes, but I've come to the conclusion I drive any man to the edge of insanity, but apparently around me, people become really sexual. I just bring that out in people, I suppose. *snicker* Goddamn, if I had a big self-esteem that would feel so good to masterbate with. Yes, my witbox has been dry for a while here. Too many of my witty comments I slammed Derek with at work. Speaking of which, I should probably go get some sleep, but my sleepings a bit fucked up, since I couldn't sleep last night. I'll go watch a movie or something.
I numb external forces in everyway.
The past few months have flown by amazingly fast. I thought this holiday season wouldn't have anything to look forward to, but I found myself today antsy at work with this anticipation to see that crazy kid come home. I didn't see him today. A slight bummer, but there'll be two weeks for catching up. It's odd. I've never been so excited for something, and this, most of all. I'm fucking nuts, I tell ya. My parents are gone this weekend, so it's pretty lonely and boring in my house. Last night was intense, however. I watched "Waking Life" with Brittany and I broke down. That movie is so goddamn beautiful, and it set me off into deep thought and into analying issues and coming to the conclusion of one I'm not so sure I want to grasp right now. I don't know how I should confront it now, now that it stands so broad. I thought about the very thing for so long and had different ways to tackle it, but now, time factors into this so much, I don't even know if it's wise for anymore of the emotional baggage that begins to foam at my mouth. Goddamn movie for making me realize what I really want out of my life and the current bond I continue to form. It was a good catharsis for some built up ideas.
Over the start of this school year, this image of me has built up to such a magnatude I cannot grasp; people look up to me as this intelligent guru. It's a shocker, considering how much of a douche I was last year (that was a whole other deep realization I hit this year, the total extent of my sophmoric behavior last year). I have managed to start a philosophy club at Marshfield, which makes me chuckle in that burning herpes way. Often I recieve comments about how "fucking insane" I am. Apparently, people feel intimidated by my wisdom. Yet again, I can't help but chuckle. The motive of that chuckle, that isn't definable. My tolerance of stupidity has reached this apex and I feel I am to burst. Another year in high school and at home is going to kill me. The thing that'll drive me the craziest is those kids coming up to me, calling me so smart and whatnot and wanting me to masterbate on their face. *cough* Dealing with my parents as of late has been pretty easy, mostly pertaining to the fact I never see them and work when I'm not at school. We've developed more of the adult trusting relationship, whereas I be honest with them and they respect me better. However, before they left for the weekend, they gave me a lecture on not having people over and basicly, they still don't trust me, contradicting their claims previous. I giggled and told them there was nothing to worry about, because nobody would be over period. This I could just sense, because I know these things. Hur. Hur. Hur.
Other dramatic events have settled down. Dominic is still heavily head-over-heels with me, and I think I might litterally have to smack himin the face with a brick for the point to get across. A bit sad, yes, but I've come to the conclusion I drive any man to the edge of insanity, but apparently around me, people become really sexual. I just bring that out in people, I suppose. *snicker* Goddamn, if I had a big self-esteem that would feel so good to masterbate with. Yes, my witbox has been dry for a while here. Too many of my witty comments I slammed Derek with at work. Speaking of which, I should probably go get some sleep, but my sleepings a bit fucked up, since I couldn't sleep last night. I'll go watch a movie or something.
I numb external forces in everyway.
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Count Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums
I was deep in thought yesterday and also this morning. I was over at Brittany's for about an hour before work to finish up homework and whatnot when she started playing the mix I made for her. My mind went wondering... all those songs, mostly being personal with me because they brought me back to "Jackland". Why I give it such a title because it's a universal concept everyone will get the jest of. Perhaps. Nobody was ever as close to him as I was, and that mind was so fascinating, it was like a drug. I dazed off, thinking about my past and why I still look back on it so frequently. Mostly, I gather, it's because it's created me into the fantastic person I am today, even though I really am twisted and sick. It's helped me strive to become something better in my eyes. So, those songs pressed me up against the wall and breathed on my glasses to fog up the lenses.
There's also been a struggle with my sexuality, which side I'm favoring more; which side I'm more comfortable with. Men can be so hurtful, yet woman so insecure. I'm straddling a fine line of emotion, and also feeling my heart still stretch out in three different ways, and wondering which path I'll finally walk on. I'm still standing at the crossroads, reading the signs and deciding which way to go. I want to walk down all the different paths and get a taste what they'll be like, the scenery and all, but that can't happen. I'll know soon enough which is right for me.
Also, I've just been in deep thought philosophically. Existentialism is the one I'm finding myself to fit with the most. Existentialism is a philosophical movement characterized by an emphasis on individualism, individual freedom, and subjectivity. A major concept in existentialism is "existance precedes and rules essence", which is generally interpreted to be that there is no pre-defined essence humanity but that which we make for ourselves. Sartrean existentialism doesn't admit an existance of a God or other determining principle, that human beings are free to do as they choose. There's a concept that there is no pre-deternimed human nature or ultimate evaluation that we humans project into the world, and that people are defined and judged by their choices and actions. That concept comes from Nietzsche's concept of enternal return; the idea that things lose their value because they seize to exist. If all things were to continue to exist, we would be burdened with a tremendous level of importance from so many objects, but since things tend to pass and no longer exist, they lose their value. The concept of Existence preceding essence is important because it describes the only conceivable reality as the judge of good or evil. If things simply
There's also been a struggle with my sexuality, which side I'm favoring more; which side I'm more comfortable with. Men can be so hurtful, yet woman so insecure. I'm straddling a fine line of emotion, and also feeling my heart still stretch out in three different ways, and wondering which path I'll finally walk on. I'm still standing at the crossroads, reading the signs and deciding which way to go. I want to walk down all the different paths and get a taste what they'll be like, the scenery and all, but that can't happen. I'll know soon enough which is right for me.
Also, I've just been in deep thought philosophically. Existentialism is the one I'm finding myself to fit with the most. Existentialism is a philosophical movement characterized by an emphasis on individualism, individual freedom, and subjectivity. A major concept in existentialism is "existance precedes and rules essence", which is generally interpreted to be that there is no pre-defined essence humanity but that which we make for ourselves. Sartrean existentialism doesn't admit an existance of a God or other determining principle, that human beings are free to do as they choose. There's a concept that there is no pre-deternimed human nature or ultimate evaluation that we humans project into the world, and that people are defined and judged by their choices and actions. That concept comes from Nietzsche's concept of enternal return; the idea that things lose their value because they seize to exist. If all things were to continue to exist, we would be burdened with a tremendous level of importance from so many objects, but since things tend to pass and no longer exist, they lose their value. The concept of Existence preceding essence is important because it describes the only conceivable reality as the judge of good or evil. If things simply
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Sweet Jesus, it's a miracle!
SWEET GOD MELO IS BACK UP! Wow, show's how busy I've been. Wow. Reading old entries is so odd, because i've changed quite a bit from then. I work at Papa Murphy's now (for those who don't know) and finally have my own car (which rocks). It's a Ford Taurus, and its in great condition and gets me around. Neomi and I have officially deemed it "the goatse mobile" since the trunk is fucking HUGE. So I've been juggling inbetween school/work/social time. It's hard when you have to do it all.
Supposively Dominic and I are going to hang out tomorrow, if his mom isn't still being a hippy douche. We've gotten so close, and his mother is petrified about him being indepenent. That poor guy wants to so bad, and his mom is so oppressive. I'm helping him in plethoric amounts to gain his freedom. Gah, it's so frustrating. At least with my parents and I we have this relationship where it's like we're both adults and use trust, not like treating me I'm in the fucking 3rd grade. Poor guy. I'm definately kidnapping him tomorrow.
I can drive people around legally now. My poor parents are going to be bombarded with a bunch of random friends of mine. First one they'll finally be able to meet is Dominic, and perhaps the next day Brittany E. She's so the man. I'm going to show her Fight Club and what not (she's a Nihilist!).
Anyway, I need some sleep- I have to get up really early tomorrow and get a bunch of stuff done. It's great to see this site is running again. HEY TO YOU ALL!!!
Supposively Dominic and I are going to hang out tomorrow, if his mom isn't still being a hippy douche. We've gotten so close, and his mother is petrified about him being indepenent. That poor guy wants to so bad, and his mom is so oppressive. I'm helping him in plethoric amounts to gain his freedom. Gah, it's so frustrating. At least with my parents and I we have this relationship where it's like we're both adults and use trust, not like treating me I'm in the fucking 3rd grade. Poor guy. I'm definately kidnapping him tomorrow.
I can drive people around legally now. My poor parents are going to be bombarded with a bunch of random friends of mine. First one they'll finally be able to meet is Dominic, and perhaps the next day Brittany E. She's so the man. I'm going to show her Fight Club and what not (she's a Nihilist!).
Anyway, I need some sleep- I have to get up really early tomorrow and get a bunch of stuff done. It's great to see this site is running again. HEY TO YOU ALL!!!
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