So...
Applying fer jawbs.
Um. That's it. I'm enjoying the free time though. Maybe I should take a little bit more advantage of it.

I can't wait until April 1st, gnarly rave going down.
Hopefully good times will be had.

PROTEST THE HERO MARCH 29, EVERY TIME I DIE MARCH 19, ROB ZOMBIE&ALICE COOPER.

I'd like to go to these shows. I'd like to see maiden but meh.
Um.. dying my hair from purple to dark brown/black. Keeping the little streak of blue however.
For my own sanity.

UM.
I don't know. Off to World of Warcraft soon perhaps. I'd like my boyfriend to call me though. Damnit.

I get annoyed when he doesn't help me around my place. Like, you eat here, use my computer more than I do, and you just.. do that. We make glorious love but like, I'm the one that has to work hard for the things here and you just come and go as you please.

I love him to bits, but my mom is worried that he'll turn out like my dad. I doubt that'll happen, Devon's a wonderful boy, but that's it.. he's still a boy.
Understandable I guess, at age 18/19. I just had to grow up faster. That's what frustrates me sometimes. But I love being with him. I just don't like what my mom keeps telling me.

OH BTW, did a placement test to get into school. :)
I think I want to go to the bar tending school just down the street also. Get some of that, more options for jobs. Sweet. I'd like that.

U of M, i'm on my way.

License next...
But first grade 12.
/sigh

I want to be happy. Right now it just seems that I'm contempt. And have been here for too long again. Need another boost.

But I have to rinse out my hair now. Good day Melo.

i need medication.
or else i'm going to ruin everything fucking good i have.

ahhh. i'm sad. depressions back. i can tell. no appetite. great.
fuck. meds.. for now i guess. until the summer maybe. FUCK i hate this

rabble fuck shit.

i'm sad. i'm going to have a smoke.

jesus my boyfriend is beautiful.

i miss him.

i got so attached : ( i can't stand more than a day without a kiss from him.
well i can but it just hurts a little. not really hurt but theres that yearning for him. just to be held.

i've been feeling sad. i barfed again from crying. it's a little weird.
been depressed. mm. but i think i'm going to start getting ready for bed.

i might get fired soon.
kinda anticipating it. sort of. i need a new job, this one stresses me out too much, my boss is a little too harsh for a balloon store. triggers anxiety while i'm at work so its harder to work. and shit.

but i get a three day weekend because of louie riel day so woop.

one more day of work then i can relax with my family/ boyfriend. so tired though.

good night.

fuck this one was brutal.

dad called me, he's... been doing stuff I don't know. Causing some problems. My anxiety started when Devon dropped off my keys at my work. I love him, he makes me so happy. So he left, and like, 10-20 minutes later I started to miss him and realized that I'd be going home to a empty apartment, eating alone, cleaning or packing.

So that was 5:30. my chest was constricting air, it was tight and sore.
I went to dollarama, called my mom, bought some dinner and decorations for my new place, got home.. dad called, shit got worse and just.. ah. I don't want to go into all of that.

So anyway, he called me back again at 10:30. got off the phone, started balling my eyes out from just feeling like shit about the situations going on. then Devon texted me saying his ex was at the bar and that it was awkward. then he texted me telling me not to worry before i start worrying. well too late i was already freaked out from shit before that text. so after i read his texts i just felt sick and i've been crying for a whore and i just barfed too. maybe from the crying.

I wanted to grab a razor and cut my arm so bad, or even just everywhere, i wanted to feel same same comfort from before, just letting shit out with out crying. i hate crying. i was scared to shit more than anything though. cause i was so close to doing it, that's probably the main reason why i was crying, because i wanted to cut myself but i knew that i couldn't. the temptation was just really fucking strong for that hour. and i thought about it earlier too.

the urges are becoming less than last year, which is fucking awesome.

i feel like i'd hurt devon if i did that to myself. i feel ugly with the cuts so i wouldn't have been able to even look at him from the shame i would have felt.

i feel stupid for even thinking about it. i'm.. exhausted right now. why the fuck did i vomit.

fuck.

i feel like a zombie again.

i feel like i need devon but, when i was crying and shit, i didn't want to call him. even though he told me too when i'm upset but i didn't want to ruin his fun time at the bar with his friends or think that i was totally upset about his ex being there. i trust him but i still worry. worrying is normal right. i'm just insecure. i trust him to almost no end but its just.. i get scared. i could not handle getting hurt by him. i couldn't.

i remember crying on e when we were talking about stuff.

he said if he ever died, if anything ever happened to him, 'don't hurt yourself' i started crying because i wouldn't know what else to do.

anyway, fucking enough of this shit. i'm going to bed or something.

night

i just wanted to see the blood fall down again.

FUCK YEA

is all i have to say right now.

k, so cleaning current apartment, dude might be showing place to people soon.
i don't even think that they should be renting this shit out though.
fuck.

k, cleaning,

BTW, MAHOGANY HARDWOOD FLOORS, ONE BEDROOM, I ACTUALLY HAVE A SHOWER NOW! PLUS STILL GOT THE OLDSCHOOL CLAWFOOT BIGASS TUB, SUNROOOM BITCHES!?!?!

i'm stoked.
stookedd.
sunroom faces the river too. fuck.
fuck.

needed to pick up paranormal activity since it's late for blockbuster. on my boyfriends grandfather's account lol. i'll pay that shit, just 'oops' however.
ahh gotta finish eating however, i might continue this later.

I will learn you.

boss called today saying he'd fire me.
i was scared and nervous when he called and sounded probably like a slacker on the phone but i haven't been thinking right for a couple weeks.
he asked me how many days i worked this week.
i didn't know. but then i thought about it and just one. monday i worked, tuesdays i have off, which i got my fever back again and was really sick, stayed in bed all day. then today i was sick so i called in.
i feel sort of worried about whats going on with me so thats why i've missed 4 days. last thursday, friday, saturday and now this wednesday. i've worked 8 days since i've started so i dont feel that bad but i would like to be able to work just i have a high fever, feel like shit, can't eat well, and my lungs hurt. and some other side effects from the meds i'm taking. i could try harder to be a trooper though, but the doctor told me if the fever kept up that i need to see the doctor again and maybe get x rays done of my lungs. so yes i'm a little fucking worried and staying home to rest. and get a hold of my mom which isn't appearing to be working but i have all day now.

i just don't want to get fired i'll try to get a doctors note but hey, i'm a little poor since i don't get pay cheque until christmas day.

this is upsetting me more, i'm going to watch some movies or something.
maybe go to the washroom again. hells know i can't finish my soup though =[



but in other news, sort of good news, i believe that i cleared things up with devon about how i feel with his female friends. i cried in his arms and he talked to me and i told him what i saw and it was good to get that shit out. and he knows it was bothering me for a while. so its good.

i love him so much. he calms me down and no one has been able to do that.


bah but my throat and breathing feels constricted.

going to rest.

i love devon i love him oh my god.


another thing. i really need to work on my health and financial issues. like fuck.

and painting more. a little secret 'blessing' from the most never-thought-of-place-ever..

a lady from the government of canada came to my door for a national survey thing regarding labour rates and stuff in canada.

i was asked about highest level of school, then if there was any post education. i told her about the paid artist internship and she said she was an artist too and just does this (government stuff) to pay the bills.

i thought it was cool. i never really saw an example of a working artist. just artists in artist form. but she was working for the government, but she's an artist! i really never would have thought. i was pretty amazed and awed so i feel sort of better about my job now. its just the being ill thing. and i hope i can get my boss to understand that i am sick.

k. rest. or something. bye.

hello muther fucking depression.
i'm crying in my sleep again
it woke me up.

went back to bed. just woke up at 5:30. started thinking crazy shit about my boyfriend and other shit then started to cry to all hell, then started hyperventilation, cried more, hyperventilated more then almost passed out.

i'm really sad that devon didn't come over today.

thinks that's why i cried in my sleep. 'I think i'm just gunna go home actually. i may come by tonight, if not i will for sure tomorrow.'
maybe it was too cold for him to bus to my place. a 5 minute bus ride.

well fuck. second day i didn't go to work where he bailed on me. when we could have spent more time together.

i feel fucking stupid for being angry at him for this though.

i'm pissed that he's just drinking again with his buddy.

i really feel like shit.

being alone in this dark apartment isn't good. i don't want to call my mom to go over to her place, i'd feel shitty there too. i feel too shitty to get out of bed in the morning, or just whenever.

i'm scared to go to work tomorrow.

that and i'm still fucking sick with a pussy throat and high fever. i feel bad for not being able to work 3 days already this week, one of which was a day off but still.

i feel so angry. so fucking angry. i dont even want to cook myself anything. i just wish that i had a shit load of diet coke/coke zero and devon here to prevent me from getting any sadder.

i wanted to hurt myself so bad last night. i was actually anxious to turn around and grab the razor and just feel that anger/hurt releasing sting again.

i have been thinking about killing myself but that's just the thoughts. i won't actually but the thought of it comes around a lot.


all in fucking all i think im going to go back onto anti depressants because i dont want my fucking stupid brain fucking up what i have with devon or the job i have either. or the apartment or my fucking health and well being.

FOR FUCK SAKES RAVEN'S BRAIN YOU'RE A DUMB FUCKING FUCKER.

and eating their young.

i hate my job. i do not like it.
maybe i just hate it because i can't get paid for two more weeks.
and it's old and dusty in that shit building, too many fucking foil balloons. too many latex balloons, too many latex masks, to many wigs, to many sleazy hallowe'en costumes. boss is sort of weird. he's nice for hiring me, the lady wanted me because of my art skills but damn. i do not want to make a collage of slutty outfits for bars so they can dress up their ladies as mrs santa whores.

if i could just blow up balloons and string them and do nothing else all day then fine. but so far i've had to to stock of over 243 different wigs, kay no. i'm not going to bitch anymore.

i should eat however. thinking stir fry. : )

yum.

bah. i'm tired. my day off included nothing but running around.
and blood work and pissing all over my hand to get it into a cup for testing.

bah. bah.

First of all, ate an actually Big Mac from McDick's today. I've been a vegetarian for over 2 years. Not that long but whatever. I realized I'm too poor and too unhealthy to not eat meat. I'm going to try to stay to chicken and tuna though.

Second, I'm having feminine issues. I see my doctor on the 8th but it's really uncomfortable and worries me.

Third, I get too insecure over Devon's girl friends. I am deathly scared that I'll lose him or he'll do something with them when I know that he wouldn't, it's just the thought that fucking really scares me and makes me sad and want to cry and vomit and hurt myself for thinking such stupid things of the boy who loves me. Then I worry that since he's never been in a relationship before that maybe he's naive and doesn't really love me. But whenever we talk to each other about how much we love each other, we're always so sincere. :( I really love him and this always bugs me. He's close to his girl friends too. And most of them are really fucking stupid. As far as I know though. I'm sure they're nice but I don't really get good vibes from most of them. I rather he just hang out with his guy friends. Or have unattractive female friends.

I sound like a bitch. Goddamnit. Good thing I suppress my feelings. I do get really angry when he brings up past girls though. We were on E and he talked about his first sort of gf, he misses talking to her. He looked so sad. I'm crying over it and i never even knew him back then. And he told me about one time when he was on e that he got 'touchy feely' with some girl. and then his friend brought up a chick he made out with in his bed one time. thats when i got really sad and hurt, then angry.

The last thing I want to be is a jealous, ridiculous girlfriend. The very very last thing I want to be is his ex. I really never want to be his ex. But I am scared that one day he's going to want to move on. There's no denying that possibility, (but why should i worry about that right now, when we're so in love) but being his real first relationship he .. you know what i'm getting at. Maybe I fucking don't know where I'm going.

I'm really sad now.

Fourth thing that's bugging me. I have to move all my shit around so some bug guys can spray my home around 1pm. Then go over to my step moms at 6pm, right after work to do laundry that might take all night so maybe I can sleep over and she can drive me to work tomorrow morning. or maybe just back to my place and I can walk to work from here. Cause it's close.

Another thing. My dad is never around. I know I talk about this a lot but when someone tells you that they're here for you, and blatantly lies about it, it kind of fucking hurts you a little. Like, fucking god damn. I called him a few times to ask him to feed me since I was starving. I have no food or money, I haven't gotten paid in weeks. and my last pay cheque was for 54 dollars for an all day live painting demo.

Right now I really hope that I am just PMSing.

K, a little bit more calm.

I think I need my Dharma Punx book back from Jessica soon. I'd like to remember why I got into Buddhism. I've really been thinking about doing harmful things to myself. I don't cut myself because I don't want Devon to see the cuts, I couldn't hide them from him. This is why I want to get the sleeve done soon, and I'll be able to afford it soon too which is nice. But it'll be a visual prevention for me.

I need better shoes. My feet hurt from only two days of standing on them all day. And walking a shit tonne all over Osborne and my work. It's fun, I like it, I just can't do it as well when my feet are in pain.

I also realize that I don't or hardly ever spend time with my friends. I guess I have reasons. Grew out of the interests we shared I guess.

Aaron: I don't like getting high. But I love South Park and we're both really funny and make each other laugh a lot.
Sarah: I don't really know how we became friends but we're really supportive of each other, but she's mega girly, which I don't mind at all, I just can't see us getting our nails done together. Maybe hair, but my style is quite different from hers. I do sometimes feel out of place with her.
Kayla: .. just I don't know. I can only handle her a few minutes a day right now.
Logan: I never talk to him anymore! I'd like to visit him in Calgary but I don't know. I probably could in the new year if I wanted to.
Devzkon.: Same, only he doesn't live with Logan anymore.
Elijah: We used to talk a lot. He meant something to me but he won't talk to me now because of his girlfriend.
Mike: never see or talk to him now. because of his girlfriend i think. he's also changed a lot. grew up too. Him, Aaron and I used to be pretty close. I miss that.
Jessica: We're still good. I like her, we're getting closer but she's still sort of immature and just a punk I guess. But smart a lot of the time. I like her. She's a good friend.
Gelisa: I love her, we spent a whole year going to concerts together, chilling and drinking rockstar energy drinks around the city and laughing and getting high and just talking to each other for hours and hours. But like, I can't really do that. A, she gets baked waay to much and I can't do that. B, we're also getting pretty different from each other. She's more into partying and I'm more into heavier music and stuff. I love drinking with her, I have fun with it but we can't do that all of the time. Our schedules are too different.

A thing that sucks though, none of my friends know each other. Aaron and mike do, kayla knows them since we all went to school with each other but we always picked on her. Logan Eli and Devzkon know each other since they live in BC and stuff but Eli isn't really there as much because of his girlfriend.
Sarah knows no one. Jessica has only met Kayla.
Devon's my best friend right now, and I'm getting to know his friends which is cool, but that's also made me feel like.. wow I don't really see my friends. And I never really have.


Oh Jesus I want to move to a nicer apartment. Things happen here and freak me out.
But it's 10 o'clock now so I should probably do something else now. So I'm going to clean my computer so it'll fucking run faster.

I feel slightly better now after this typed release.

Night.