pynnkxfetiish
.please don’t let me drown.
"If I can’t have you I’ll just close my eyes..And pretend she is you..Pretend you are mine..I can see the world through your window..And I sing to you every night from here..Today I prayed my plane would crash..You’d hear the news..And you’d think of me as much as I thought of you..And if you repeat my words..You said them before, and I remember the sound..I keep the lights off..I know you’re right here..No matter what, you can’t say no to me in my dreams..Your routine is so divine. I have it memorized..As you walk to your window with your light on inside..I know you’ll never find me here..As you admire the view..Do you know how pretty you look with your hair down?..I walk to the window admiring the view."
Falling to pieces.
I can’t even feel these scars at the top of my heart.
Everyday I still wake up next to you:
On lonely nights I still fall asleep
Without you I fold.
And all these thoughts of you remain.
Falling to pieces.
I can’t even feel these scars at the top of my heart.
Everyday I still wake up next to you:
On lonely nights I still fall asleep
Without you I fold.
And all these thoughts of you remain.
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.tell me you love me.
"And I don’t want to say that I wasted my days chasing instead of catching keeping. Wasting wishes on copper and stars. I’m wanting you to save me and I’m not only asking. Because I can face this falling it’s just the taking that I fell. I’m breaking down."
"Why do you hate me so much? How could you tell the only person in the world that I love, that I care about so much, to stay away from me? Do you think that the only thing I’ll ever do to someone is screw them up? That I’m not worth loving?"
Something about that quote made me go cold.
"Why do you hate me so much? How could you tell the only person in the world that I love, that I care about so much, to stay away from me? Do you think that the only thing I’ll ever do to someone is screw them up? That I’m not worth loving?"
Something about that quote made me go cold.
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.every night’s another story.
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore... Not sure what the point of being here anymore is. I hate being awake and I hate being asleep. I have nightmares every night, all of them different. Being awake is just as bad because it pretty much is one big nightmare.
I hate my life. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. I have nothing to look forward to, I have no future.
I feel so alone. I have no one at home I can really depend on. My mother makes me life so miserable. I hate her. I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER! I can’t stay here anymore. I just want to go back to school. I like being at school. I hate being at home. I like my friends at home, they’re great, but all the same, I’d rather be at school. I probably won’t be coming home for spring break and I have no plans for somewhere to go, which kinda sucks. This summer I’m going to find somewhere else to live other than at home, maybe with my grandparents in New Jersey or something. They said I could live out there and it’d be nice. They live on the beach and I could get a job out there for the summer and it’d be nice. I’m thinking about doing that if I can’t find somewhere else to go. I just can’t do this home thing. I don’t have a "home." It’s so hard not having a home. Not having somewhere that you can run away to, to go home to. I have nowhere to go when school isn’t in session. I’m trapped. I feel so homeless and alone and I hate life. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t find much of anything to smile about. I can fake it but I just can’t find happiness in anything.
I have nobody I can depend on. It’s like, when I really really could use someone to talk to, like I’ve been needing since last night, nobody is there. It’s not like I can just talk to anybody about stuff, there’s only a few people I can talk to about anything and they’re the ones who conviniently disappear when I need them most. I don’t want to be alone right now. I want someone to be here and hug me and make me feel like I can hold on for longer. I just have lost the point of anything somewhere and I can’t even find a reason to look for it. I’m so depressed and I just can’t seem to stop hurting. I can’t even escape, seeing as how I have nightmares everytime I sleep. I’m stuck and I just don’t know what to do anymore...
I just don’t see how I can keep going on like this. All I want to do is die die die die die die die die die die die. I feel like I’m slowly dying anyways, I just need that final stab through my broken heart to end my suffering. It’s not just suicide, it’s euthanasia (or however you spell it).
I can’t seem to find hope. There’s nothing to look forward to, to hope for. For christmas, I didn’t want anything. Sure there were a few things that I kinda wanted but they were all practical things that I did not get and will have to now buy myself. I would have traded all my presents, without even knowing what they were, to just stay home while the rest of my family went to stay with my relatives. I didn’t tell my parents this because then I would be considered even more ungrateful and antisocial than they already think I am. I don’t like going to see my relatives. I don’t like the holidays. I like giving people presents (can’t wait to give my big her present, it looks so nice, I just gotta finish it soon) but I don’t care about gettin presents for christmas. I don’t care about stupid trees and lights and cookies and special dinners. I don’t care about traditions and annoying christmas music that you can’t escape. I don’t want to be bothered with all that. It’s too commercial and obnoxious. I’d rather just curl up in a ball and die. Is that really too much to ask?
I didn’t get what I wanted for christmas. What I really wanted was to die.
And I just don’t want to be alone anymore.
Is it obvious why I don’t want to be alone right now? I want to be somewhere else, with someone, so I can forget about how much I want to just end it all. It’s become such a tempting thought. Last night I wanted to just jump in front of a car, or take a billion pills, or slit my wrists, or all of the above. Anything to not be here anymore. I’m finding my inhibitions about the whole process of self inflicted death are disappearing. One day, maybe I’ll actually do it. I think that would be the best day of my life for that very reason. And I’d be a huge jerk and leave a note that says: "Mom, it is your fault." and sign my name at the bottom. I’m sure she won’t actually think of it as her fault, since nothing is ever her fault, but it would make me feel better. Maybe she would realize it is partially her fault if I did something drastic like that. It’s probably the only way she would even consider blaming herself for anything. She’s such a bitch. I hate her. It’s not entirely her fault, of course, but she’s contributed so much to it over the years that she’s definately a huge part of what’s the blame. She just keeps bringing me down. I’m ashamed to be related to her.
Sigh.
I just want to die, is that too much to ask?
I hate my life. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. I have nothing to look forward to, I have no future.
I feel so alone. I have no one at home I can really depend on. My mother makes me life so miserable. I hate her. I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER! I can’t stay here anymore. I just want to go back to school. I like being at school. I hate being at home. I like my friends at home, they’re great, but all the same, I’d rather be at school. I probably won’t be coming home for spring break and I have no plans for somewhere to go, which kinda sucks. This summer I’m going to find somewhere else to live other than at home, maybe with my grandparents in New Jersey or something. They said I could live out there and it’d be nice. They live on the beach and I could get a job out there for the summer and it’d be nice. I’m thinking about doing that if I can’t find somewhere else to go. I just can’t do this home thing. I don’t have a "home." It’s so hard not having a home. Not having somewhere that you can run away to, to go home to. I have nowhere to go when school isn’t in session. I’m trapped. I feel so homeless and alone and I hate life. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t find much of anything to smile about. I can fake it but I just can’t find happiness in anything.
I have nobody I can depend on. It’s like, when I really really could use someone to talk to, like I’ve been needing since last night, nobody is there. It’s not like I can just talk to anybody about stuff, there’s only a few people I can talk to about anything and they’re the ones who conviniently disappear when I need them most. I don’t want to be alone right now. I want someone to be here and hug me and make me feel like I can hold on for longer. I just have lost the point of anything somewhere and I can’t even find a reason to look for it. I’m so depressed and I just can’t seem to stop hurting. I can’t even escape, seeing as how I have nightmares everytime I sleep. I’m stuck and I just don’t know what to do anymore...
I just don’t see how I can keep going on like this. All I want to do is die die die die die die die die die die die. I feel like I’m slowly dying anyways, I just need that final stab through my broken heart to end my suffering. It’s not just suicide, it’s euthanasia (or however you spell it).
I can’t seem to find hope. There’s nothing to look forward to, to hope for. For christmas, I didn’t want anything. Sure there were a few things that I kinda wanted but they were all practical things that I did not get and will have to now buy myself. I would have traded all my presents, without even knowing what they were, to just stay home while the rest of my family went to stay with my relatives. I didn’t tell my parents this because then I would be considered even more ungrateful and antisocial than they already think I am. I don’t like going to see my relatives. I don’t like the holidays. I like giving people presents (can’t wait to give my big her present, it looks so nice, I just gotta finish it soon) but I don’t care about gettin presents for christmas. I don’t care about stupid trees and lights and cookies and special dinners. I don’t care about traditions and annoying christmas music that you can’t escape. I don’t want to be bothered with all that. It’s too commercial and obnoxious. I’d rather just curl up in a ball and die. Is that really too much to ask?
I didn’t get what I wanted for christmas. What I really wanted was to die.
And I just don’t want to be alone anymore.
Is it obvious why I don’t want to be alone right now? I want to be somewhere else, with someone, so I can forget about how much I want to just end it all. It’s become such a tempting thought. Last night I wanted to just jump in front of a car, or take a billion pills, or slit my wrists, or all of the above. Anything to not be here anymore. I’m finding my inhibitions about the whole process of self inflicted death are disappearing. One day, maybe I’ll actually do it. I think that would be the best day of my life for that very reason. And I’d be a huge jerk and leave a note that says: "Mom, it is your fault." and sign my name at the bottom. I’m sure she won’t actually think of it as her fault, since nothing is ever her fault, but it would make me feel better. Maybe she would realize it is partially her fault if I did something drastic like that. It’s probably the only way she would even consider blaming herself for anything. She’s such a bitch. I hate her. It’s not entirely her fault, of course, but she’s contributed so much to it over the years that she’s definately a huge part of what’s the blame. She just keeps bringing me down. I’m ashamed to be related to her.
Sigh.
I just want to die, is that too much to ask?
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.everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down.
Everytime you opened your mouth, all that escaped was a lie. Everything you said to me was nothing short of everything I wanted to hear. I’m left here staring at these photographs, all of them of times I used to hold so dear. All I want is to be held again. Hold me like you’ll never let me go. Tell me that you love me. Kiss me like you mean it.
I just want to be loved...
I just want to be loved...
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