I mentioned this in an entry yesterday but I deleted that entry because I didn't like it. It was all sad and pathetic.

So... I GOT THE JOB!! I am going to be a trainee hairdresser for an amazing salon, Just as soon I find somewhere to live.
She said I have cute style and I already look like one of them. She told my at first it may be tedious and warned of the hard work. In all honesty, the "hard work" she mentioned just excited me.
I have all these plans and a real vision of what this year will be like. If I give it my absolute all then I could fly through the studying. I could tour with them to Moscow and Beijing and all those other glamorous events they attend.
I won't drink too much but I'll still get to go to Soho with my boys whenever the hell I like. I'll be a city girl once again!
But I plan to be healthy. I want to start yoga. I would love to start an art class or something. I will be able to visit exhibitions more often.
I'm going to leave behind so much. Everything bad that has happened in the past few months. All of the hurt that has been trapped inside of me.
I won't cry.
I won't miss a thing.
This feels like a completely fresh start and I cannot wait for it to begin.
I want to become a better person.

And this is my song of the day. I found Russian Red today and I am in love with her.

SERIOUSLY!! Where are y'all? I remember the days where I would log in unexpectedly after a Meloversary and have a thousand G spots!! But today? TWO!!
And what happened to the "Hi, just stopping by..."? Does no one care about karma anymore? Does no one browse and randomly comment? What has happened here guys?
Or is it just me? lol
Where is that girl blowing smoke that leaves EVERYONE a happy Meloversary? Did she die? Have we replaced her yet?

Melo, YOU HAVE CHANGED!!

But I still love you.

P.s This is my song of the day...

Another bad day... though I am feeling a lot better now I have spoken to Stu.
Lee calls, as he does every day on his way home from work. I spoke to him about how he upset me the other day with being all weird about me moving in with him. He was like "Well, I didn't think you would take me seriously when I offered because I was drunk." Are fucking fucking kidding me?? I have been stuck here since last summer and you think I will brush off your offer of getting out of this place, TWICE!!
So yeah, that isn't happening now. I can't believe he would think I wouldn't be all that bothered about it. He knows how crazy I am going here. Or maybe he doesn't.
So I called Stu, almost crying. And he reassured me that I will get back to London soon.
I am just tired of friends offering things, it seeming promising and then nothing coming of it. I shouldn't take them so seriously. But why even offer? You know? Especially when I am in a situation like my current one where I am desperate to get out. I feel bad for being pissed off with Lee, but he needs to just think sometimes. Not just say shit because he is drunk or because it sounds nice.

I want to leave, right now. I'd go anywhere.

Bad day.

I'm feeling pretty low.

I can't sleep... Which is strange because I only had three hours last night and then did an 7 hour shift and walked a few miles. I was exhausted. But laying here I have thoughts pouring through my head at a rapid pace. Some bad but some quite good. I feel an element of excitement and a touch of regret.
I'll start with the excitement. Which is moving in with lee in about 25 days, back to London. And this time there is no return. I turn into a complete mess each time I come back. Living there can be a bit chaotic but I have to learn to deal with that and be able to calm myself. Really the issue isn't the location. It's me, I know that. The only difference is friends. I need to face my own demons and it'll be a hell of a lot easier not feeling so alone.
Secondly, I was speaking to Stuart tonight and he told me about a position that has become available at his salon for a trainee hairdresser. He always goes on about how I would be great at that. Which to me is a huge compliment because he is so so great at what he does, him thinking that I could be so creative and appealing to clients is just lovely. Could you imagine? A real career? I could be somebody. I could be good at something. And this is pretty much the only suggestion someone has made to me (career wise) that seems achievable and gets me excited at the same time. I can't get my hopes too high as he has to speak to his boss. But lets cross our fingers!

And you know, after that thought I am going to skip the worries I have in my mind at the moment. They're not important. Writing them would just be repeating myself anyway. All I need to do is find happiness again and they can be put to rest.

Another thing in my mind though is this guy. Ha, and for once I am not going to write about falling for anyone. Though he is quite lovely. I met him online and these days he's the only person I really talk to daily. I think he is my musical soul mate, for real. Our tastes match almost perfectly except he has a much wider range. He studies music at uni and plays in a band among other various activities. He like, exercises daily and has ambitions. Talking to him makes me want to become a better person. It kind of makes me want to live more. I don't know... I find him inspiring. And he is just very nice. Sometimes I think he thinks I am a little weird and doesn't fully get my humor. Perhaps at times he thinks I am being a little stupid, but he doesn't judge at all.
I'm just enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know an awful lot about me. I can select what I say and I can pretend to be and almost have to act happy even when I am feeling really shit because I just don't want to project any negativity. If that makes sense? I don't talk about any personal crap and it seems he doesn't have any to talk about.

Anyway... I have to be up in 3 hours so I'd better sleep. I took some stupid herbal sleeping pills and almost chocked. Ugh, they are grim.

I think I need to spend more time around nature and away from this laptop. Tomorrow I am definitely going out to sort out CV and stuff so I might go feed the ducks too! I always enjoy that.
I need to get used to being alone for a while and not let that prevent me from going out. Most days I put make up on and change several times until I think I look nice and then I just can't bring myself to just go! I feel this huge disappointment and comfort myself with eating junk and watching videos on everything I want to be. One good thing to come out of being alone is the amount of good music I have discovered.

Lee called me yesterday and we spoke for two hours. I made him go through the telephone alphabet and he made look up crap online. Like that name of the dinosaur in The Land Before Time that doesn't speak (I think it's spike?)! We realized it's been over two months seen we've seen each other! I must go to London soon. I just need to be reminded of what it feels like to just have fun around people I am 100% comfortable with.

So yeah, not an awful lot is going on but I am feeling positive. Today I feel quite calm, and only a touch bored. I just need motivation. Tomorrow shall be better!

Yep, it's a virus thingy. I had one hour of solid sleep and then woke up every now and then, not feeling all that bad. I gradually felt awful and then emptied my stomach into the toilet. The aching is persistent. DAMN YOU!!
No roast dinner for me today :( Feeling rather sorry for ones self.

You know those typical romance movies? There is always some struggle they have to overcome, one of them is an arsehole, makes a mistake or there is something in the way of their love... always along those lines anyway. I never get bored of them. I mean, if they're well written at least.
But sometimes- Most of the time I am left feeling really empty when the movie ends. There is this big build up, they kiss and then it's over. Sometimes I just want to watch on for a little while. Just see them in their happiness. I want to see the happily ever after.
When it's all done, the credits come and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. This huge fucking void deep inside that makes me want to vomit.
And it's the same with books. Some of my favorite books have this affect on me. After the back page is closed and I wipe away the last of my tears, I look up and... nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And I think it's loneliness.

Tonight after I had finished watching the film (which was great by the way) I turned off my television and really I just wanted to talk about it. I wanted to say "wow, I never expected it to be that good. How about you?". But not even my cat was here because I had pissed her off earlier in the evening by touching her paws whilst she was trying to sleep. I mean, really I wanted to talk to Nut. Just about the movie which would lead on to something deeper, as it used to. We used to talk about our dreams, where we would be when we got older... stuff! I don't think I realized at the time just how precious those moments were. The openness that is very unlikely to be found again.
But what the hell. If my sensible self were speaking, I would say that I don't even want that anymore. That was the past. Cherish it but don't keep staring back. Things will never ever be that way again. Mainly because I feel a little wounded and defensive. I feel like I always have my guard up around her these days. I cannot just be honest.

It's weird because as much as I crave human contact, part of me doesn't want it at all. I see myself ignoring friends and those I love and I don't fully understand it. I talk so much shit these days too. I don't mind admitting that. I give people advice that I don't listen to myself and that I don't really believe. I just feels like the right thing to say I guess. "You talk so much sense" they say. Ha, no I am full of bullshit. These aren't even my thoughts... Or are they?
I have no idea.