My husband decided to get drunk again last night. we were supposed to have dinner and a movie at home, but instead he got drunk and passed out on the couch. Apparently when I went to the room to go to sleep, he did not understand why i was so upset because "at least he wasn't being mean." He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that he ruined our night by getting drunk, more importantly, he lied to me and said that he was only having a six pack, but he really sneaked in a few miniature liquor bottles. Apparently even though he asked what was wrong, he didn't actually want to here it and he walked of. I grabbed his car keys and his cell phone cause he was drunk. He racked out in the spare bedroom for a few hours, while in the meantime, I got his cell phone suspended because I'm done with his shit, and wasn't gonna be stuck paying for two phones. and then i slipped his house key under the door so he could get it.

Well apparently after trying all evening to provoke me into hitting him but to now avail, when he saw his phone was erased, he called me an evil women and proceeded to lunge at me like he was going to hit me. but when that didn't get a reaction, he resorted to calling the police and saying I hit him and was holding him captive inside the house. (mind you he had his house key.) Not only did he lie and say I hit him, when I said he had no proof, he proceeded to hit himself in the face. When I called the police to cover my ass, he was sitting on the couch punching himself in the face to create a bruise so that the police would believe I hit him.

Luckily for me since I didn't touch him at all, when the police came I showed them that I didn't have any red marks on my hands from hitting him but that his right hand knuckles were red from punching the right side of his face. Long story short, they obviously didn't believe his drunk ass because all they had me do was activate his phone and put his contacts back. what piece of shit.

So Exactly one week ago, my husband announced in marriage counseling that he was ready to move on from me and that it didn't matter to him what lengths he had to go to... he was going to divorce me. Mind you we're in the place where we are supposed to be trying to fix our marriage. Anywho, all this came about because a few nights prior I had said something about his friend. Bear in mind that his friend portrays himself to be a man hoe. He's married and has told me on more than one occasion that he fucks around on his wife. Hell, at one point my husband got mad at him because he added me on myspace with the intent to fuck me (my husband and I were just dating at that point). So we were having a conversation about this dude, and we were unclear as to whether or not we were talking about the same guy. So I asked if it's the guy who fucks around on his wife. Apparently I was wrong for saying that and my husband got up in arms about it. Then I got upset because he will be so quick to defend his friends but who defends me when he says some really cut throat things to me, or when he makes fun of me to his friends. The conversation turned into me saying that he cares about everyone but the person who is going to be there for him after this going to AA/NA meetings everyday is over. I'm gonna be there when we move away and he loses touch with all his AA/NA friend that he claims are his family but he cares more about them than me.

Unfortunately, When I brought up this incident in counseling he got to talkin about he don't care about me, and that he doesn't care if we ever have sex again cause I gained so much weight. That I'm the one with a problem and he's just fine and he's ready to move on from me. He says I'm too sensitive and that he has to walk on eggshells with me cause anything makes me cry, when really I gotta walk on eggshells with him cause any little thing I do will turn into him saying something unnecessarily hurtful. He said when he got home we was going to get his things and leave. Then I said something about him having been on drugs so long that he hasn't really learned how to be a normal human being yet and he's trying to sprint before he's even out the crawl phase. He got upset and left out the counseling office.

Outside I tried to talk to him even though I was crying hysterically, but he refused to talk to me. Then his car wouldn't start and even though I had the jumper cables, I was really just going to get into my car and leave. Lucky for him, his car started after about 4 tries. So on my way home I called a friend of mine to help calm me down because I was crying so much I was afraid I might careen into a tree or another car. I get home, start packing my stuff then though "Why am I packing? I'm not the one who wants a divorce." so I put my things back. He came home, and I just acted as though nothing ever happened. Just carried on about how I went to the grocery store before counseling and got him some lunch meat and carrots and bananas for his lunch box. Apparently he didn't want to leave me anymore for whatever reason and wanted to pretend the counseling incident didn't happen. Apparently he was just irritated because I had to renew my car registration, and the day prior and I went about bought some hair, got my nails done and bought some arts and crafts stuff. I had enough to renew my tag but he said he needed money for a car battery and helping him seemed far more important to me at the time than getting my tag renewed. So he just assumed I didn't have the money to get my tag renewed cause I bought all that stuff. Turns out they wouldn't have renewed my tag anyway because they were waiting for my lienholder to send them my out of state title.

So, like, the next day we went for a run, and when we came in I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was slimming down cause I've been exercising, so I told my husband fuck him for whenever he criticizes my weight again cause at least I'm working on it. apparently the never having sex with me again thing didn't hold water cause that night he acted like he was freezing and wanted to cuddle. As I'm falling asleep me proceeded to make out with me and take my clothes off and get down to business. All without my nudging. Tuesday night I was trying to talk to him about something and he totally cast me aside to call up this chick who used to be his team leader. He wanted me to take him to go get some dip, so when I said let's go, it suddenly was no longer of any importance cause he was talking to her. So I went on ahead and left and got him a log of copenhagen and just brought it in the room. he asked for the debit card and I said no, and told him to call up that girl and ask her to borrow some money and for a ride to the store. So he was over here laughin and shit, and said something about me spending all the money. He left out the bedroom and I opened the door and chucked the log of dip with such force that had he not turned around last minute and moved out the way, I would've done some damage. So instead of "Thanks honey." I get, "You didn't even get th right kind." and I pretty much lost it at that point. He was every mother fucker, asshole, son of a bitch I could think of. I threw my purse at him, kicked the fan at him cussed him out and yelled til I was blue in the face and all the back talk in the world didn't get me to shut up. I had told him the bitch is back and I'm not fuckin around anymore. I said I'm like a pot of boiling water with a lid on it... my lid just popped that night and I feel like that needed to happen cause he ain't fucked with me yet, and he's been rather respectful since then. I guess I had to show him That I'm not taking his shit anymore for the point to really hit home. Clearly he wasn't too mad about it cause I still got laid that night.

So I'm officially 23. No big deal. My husband for got it was my birthday though we've been talking about for a week. He still forgot. I didn't expect him to since he doesn't care about me or our relationship. So Happy Birthday to the lamest woman in the world because she's stuck being married to someone who compared her to a pimple on his ass.

This girl I thought I was cool with told my husband that I said it's his fault I miscarried. Not only did I not tell her that It's not her place to be tellin my husband ANYTHING. I fuckin hate that people think they can just include themselves into your personal life. She's 8 months pregnant and I promised my husband I wouldn't say anything to her, but I'm really considering going to this bitch's house and punching her square in her big ass "I don't know who the daddy is," face. Trifflin ass bitches.

I didn't even know melo changed. I'm not even entirely sure that this is the real thing but oh well. Since I haven't updated in such a long time, let me fill you in. Well, My husband is in rehab for being a crackhead. I for one didn't know he was a crackhead before I married him, then when I did find out, I didn't know how bad it was. I've been to jail once for literally kicking his ass after he ran of with my car for the 5th time to get drunk and high. I was wrong for it but at the time it seemed like the way to go. But anyway, prior to and even after that he's been verbally and mentally abusive, told me I was fat when I look the same as I've always did. Well, except for now, because I'm pregnant. Everytime he gets mad it turns into :You need to get an abortion." So yeah, my life is wonderful.

Today is the day!!! FINALLY. today is the day that I pack up my computer and my cat and make an 18 hur trip (I'll stop here and there of course) to Pensacola, FL to be with the man I'm in love with. It's only 5:15 so i need a few more hours of sleep, but I'm just so damn excited!!! I can hardly wait. I'm ready to go now baby!!! Wish me luck any one who cares.

So, for the past two months I've tried just about everything to get my ex-fiance back. I tried crying for a week (all real, not fakin it tears), I tried playing Friends With Benefits so he'd remember how amazing the sex was, i cried my ass off when i had to get on that bus to come home from Kuwait, i tried talking things out once got home, really tried taling things out when i moved ut to El Paso all the way up until he said he met some chick on myspace and during leave he was gonna go see her, and if it didn't work out he'd come back to me. At that point i just gave up. His leave started, he went home to FL, and two days after he was supposed to be one the plane to see that girl, i get an IM telling me he never went to see her, and that he was still in FL, and that he knew he burned his bridges with me, and there was no hope for reconciliation. He realized that it was me he was in love with and didn't want to be without me, and blah, blah.

I bit the bait, hook, line, and sinker. But i was testing him out waitng for him to flake out again, but he didn't and hasn't. he seem more sure now than he was when we first were together. This will be a good thing. The new Mrs. Wilkerson.

So, tomorrow marks the day that I fianlly leave my family's house for something non military related. I'm simply moving out. I have a roommate that's an old friend but he has issues and will hardly ever be there, and then when the lease is up, he's gonna pack up and leave anyway... so I basically have my apartment to myself. For those that read my post the other day, yeah. I'm still pretty raw from the break up, but we still talk. The situation in of itself was my fault for listening to other people's BS, but it was also his for not letting me know ahead of time that we had a problem... and that he didn't think he wanted to go down that road of committment with me anymore. So we both to blame, it just hurts because I am the initial cause. We're still friends though, as painful as that can be sometimes.

So I realized that I have a mess load of school to go through when I get to El Paso. I'm hell bent on becoming a surgeon. But I'll settle for a doctoe. I want this for three reasons. I like to help people, i want to make sure no one dies of some dumb shit like my grandmother did, and because even in a recession, i will practically always have a job. wish me luck on my quest.

I'll update again when I get internet in my apartment.

I'm back in Cali, just for a couple of weeks though. Have to go back to Kuwait for a few more months then I'll be back in Cali to pack the rest of my things, get married, and move away to Savannah, Georgia with the man of my dreams. I've had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince, but it's like a dream finally came true. New man, new surroundings, new life. Goodbye Victorville, CA. Was nice for the past 18 years.

apparently my last entry was taken as me complaining that i don't fit in. negative. I'm actually overjoyed by the fact. i was simply stating that i notice i don't fit in to anything because a part of me believes in the exact opposite as well. the main purpose of my entry was to state a problem im currently facing with someone i admire from the opposite gender. i pushed away too soon and am having extreme difficulty getting things back to normal. currently, well at least earlier in the day i managed to get him to answer text... but now... we're back to square one. i at the point of giving up because even though i may have caused the argument, i got over it and asked forgiveness... and their have been times he's done stupider stuff than start an argument and i forgave. so... i give up. he wins.

thought I would finally update on my ever so interesting life. to sum it all up. people hate me. I just can't really fit in anywhere. I can't fit into the "be a bitch just because I want to" clique, or the "be as nice as possible to everyone while I stab them in the back" clique. can't fit into the little feminist groups where all men aren't shit (ironic since I have a clique on melo called 'Men are Whores') and definitely can't fit into the "i repeatedly wear my heart on my sleeve so that I can get fucked over numerous times" clique. So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a little piece of everything which results in me setting myself apart from the crowd... and people don't like it. I'll cuss yo out in a heartbeat if you cross me, but i'll be your best friend if you know better than to work my nerves on a regular basis. I love guys... believe that I do, but I'm too cautious now since the last few times I got burned really bad. yet even that cautiousness can't control what the heart wants so every now and then I do put my feelings on display and usually.. those feelings get shoved right back down my throat.

For example. most of you know that I ended my year and a half relationship some time ago. what you don't know is that he went back to his ex he had been cheating on me with just a few weeks after the act and now they're married. the whole reason they were exs in the first place was cause she was a cheating whore. hopefully marriage changes her. Then most of you know that when I cam e out to help fight this god forsaken war, I met a guy. you might even know we hit if off pretty well and then he went home, made plans to see me on my two weeks leave then 3 weeks before I go home he dumps me to work things out with his wife because he found out I was pregnant. couldn't contact him the entire three weeks, then I get home and I contact him and all he can preach is abortion because another child would make life too hard for him. sadly i didn't get the abortion and instead miscarried and we haven't spoken since.

Now I know a guy, that I really like a lot... I mean seriously. I'm not in love wit him or any of that, but I do genuinely like this guy. but I'm taking all the pain from the last two relationships and holding it against him... and I know it's not fair but I can't help it. I'm just so scared of getting my heartbroken again that I keep doing stupid things to try and push him away and now im afraid that last night I seriously did push him away. Now I'm playing the what if game. well what if I'm wrong and he's really different from the others. what if he's perfect for me. Hell, what if he becomes the new president and needs a first lady? i don't know what to do. I've already done pissed him off and he won't talk to me. I can't go to him cause im on crutches... im stuck like chuck.

symptoms as of currently:

frequent peeing, getting that nauscious feeling without actually puking, irritablility, tender/sensitive boobies, the capacity to sleep all y without evn knowing why, senses are a little sharper, headaches, faintness...

for now, that's about it. it doesn't necessarily mean I'm pregnant mind you, but I don't think I'll rule that out just yet.

I know everyone else will think they suck... but you know what? fuck y'all.



My "angel/devil" heart



It's a Bradley Fight Vehicle: over the top it says "Bradley" (my last name) and beneath it says "Get Some"

that's the payment I receive every two weeks for being in the army. fantastic