max and i used to be with each other all the time. especially saturdays. he'd wake up, take a shower, and then come over. he wouldn't even waste a second doing something else. he'd usually come over around 2, since he likes to sleep in. i usually wake up around 9, since im used to getting up early. a couple months ago, missy called me at 10 and we planned on going to a movie. i just agreed to go with her, when max called. he wanted to know if it was okay if he came over. i said i was going to a movie with missy, but he could come along. when i got to his house to pick him up he was mad at me. he was in a bad mood and he made me cry. he reprimanded me for making plans on saturday, which was "our day." he wanted it to be about me and him, and nobody else. i understood where he was coming from, and agreed not to make plans involving other peope on saturdays, unless i talked to him first about it. since then, he's had band practice three times on saturdays. one of them being today. and never once has he talked to me about it. he tells me when i ask him when he's coming over. so he probably won't come over until five, hopefully earlier. i dont know, maybe spending time with me is losing it's value. maybe everyone's right, and i do get boring. i just want it to be like it used to be.

but i guess it'll never happen.

sometimes people don't realize exactly what they're saying, the way it comes out, and the way it affects me.

"there was just something about you that sparked my interest ,because usually i wouldn't even consider going out with a person like you"

like you

a person like me. how the fuck am i supposed to feel when my boyfriend basically said he loves me, but he doesn't know why.

he said he used to want a girlfriend who was pure, who only kissed a couple guys, because everytime i touch him, everytime i kiss him, he knows my hands and my mouth have been elsewhere.

what he doesn't understand is i saved myself for him. i gave him my fucking virginity, and he didn't even bother saving it for me. if he gets pissed at me for mistakes i've made in the past, maybe i should get pissed at him for having sex with 2 other girls before me. (especially since he wasn't even in a relationship with one of them)

so big deal, i've given head to one person before him. i've made out with about ten boys. big fucking deal. at least i had enough self respect to keep those boys from going further.



sorry i was a slut.

ok..so that guy that "left in two weeks"
has been gone for four, & comes back in seven.


i think i like him more than ive ever liked someone
& it makes me worried, sad, confused


....seven more weeks. <3

ok so i havent updated this shit in a while.

basically last night i got drunk.

passed out. vomited. hooked up.

and danced the night away.
M O V I NG U N I T S.

<3333

i wish boys i dont like
would stop liking me.

yeah..its happening again!

him : i hate my hipbones. i wish they'd just disappear.
me : but you have a really nice nose, and more people see that than they see your hipbones so there.
him : haha..what the hell? thanks i guess
him: actually it makes sense to compliment a nose
him: you have a cute nose

the first half of my break has been absolutely awesome.
the second half will be absolute shit.
so ill tell you about the first half.

december 12th - my christmas party. friends, and the 7:30 picture.

december 16th - paul and derek. casa del rey, st. lucys (assholes!), the mall, back to casa del rey, met sara. trevors mom thinks paul is gay. went to my haus, had an o.c party!, decorated trevors jacket with hearts.

december 17th - disneyland with trevor. the happiest place on earth with one of the people who makes me the happiest. it was lots of fun. we even went out to eat at the house of blues..just a really great day. <33

december 18th - saw ocean's 12 with trevor. the movie itself was ok, but the movie experience was fun. then we had to pick up trevors drunk brother but got lost cuz drunk people suck at directions. we got there but then i had to leave, but goodbye was nice except for the fact that trevor bent my key and now its hard to start my car. oh well.

december 20th - i went to fullerton with sonia and sina. starbucks, stray cat, nothing ordinary, lunch, and a hair cut. yay!

december 21st - sarsar derek and paul. she gave me my present. an old record player that she decorated! i started crying. and i also got the elliot smith record "either/or" and the bright eyes records. listened to records in starbucks, and hung out in my trunk. i only saw trevor for like an hour. i just wish i could see him more sometimes, but i shouldnt complain, because some people never see the person they like.

december 22nd - got a digital camera. fun! trevor gave me his present. two little baby mice. <3 they're very cute, but they smell bad cuz they're males. and he also gave me the elliot smith record "either/or" but i didnt want to be mean, so when he asked if i already had it, i said no. then stupid work.

december 23rd - left at like 12, picked up trevor sara and paul, and went to the block at orange. spent the day in love sack, borders and virgin. paul and i did like the kewlest walk/dance in virgin. haha. i love dancing in random places. then we took trevor home and went to tonys to eat and went back to saras haus and had another o.c party!

today will suck.
tomorrow will suck.
sunday might be good.
the daytime monday might be good.
monday night all hell starts
the end of my happiness...
everything.
ok..maybe im over exaggerating. but still!
I DONT WANT TO GO!!!!!!

he bought me chocolates.
my favorite kind
in the whole world.
cuz we've been going out for a month.
<3 <3

ok for all you people who dont know any of this crap that ive been up to lately ill tell you.

i have a boyfriend now. his name is trevor and he's a really nice guy. yay. <3

i have a job. i work at mcdonalds. its slave labor. the past three days ive worked about 20 hours. the uniforms are ugly. other than that, its ok. i get free food. chicken selects are addiciting. a co worker thinks im a drug addict.

i switched skewls. i go to san dimas high now. i like it. its really laidback compared to st. lucys. but i miss all the hyperness and insanity over there.

well that was the past. now the future.

im going to disneyland next friday with my mom, sister and trevor. ummm yea. it should be interesting. i wouldnt be excited if trevor wasnt going.

this sunday im having a xmas party at my haus. i hope people can come, cuz i miss everyone. i miss sara a lot.

im going to new york for new years. i dont want to. im going to freeze to death. im probably sounding really ungrateful right now, but id rather be at home for new years with people i care about, not freezing my ass off in some big unknown city full of assholes.

because my mom woke me up too early
because my mom read some of the stuff i wrote which id prefer she didnt read
because ill be around food all fucking day
because ill hear the words "eat more" all fucking day
because my mom said she hated me
because the girl playing barbie on the parade isnt really singing, and its obvious
because im never going back
because i will be so lost on monday.

i hope all you fat lard's out there are super fucking happy today shoving as much food in your mouth as you can and then complaining the next day about how fucking fat you are and how depressed you are. its called self control, use it.

well at least tomorrow will be fun.

wow
i really cant believe this
its almost too good to be true

finally im happy.
i hope i feel like this for a long time.

this weekend was so fun!! only one thing could have made it better. jared. yaa. ok so anyways, the hotel we stayed out was seriously in the ghetto of windsor. i wouldnt go outside at night alone for fear of being shot. so friday night nobody was really there, kinda boring. i didnt get drunk, and i only got 3 hours of sleep. watched some porn with 6 guys. sick asian porn. aah. saturday met up with sigrid, hung out with her the whole day. i also did not get drunk on saturday. spent all night saturday trying to find a party, but they all got shut down by stupid hotel security. soo instead, i went to every single floor of the hilton ( 20 of them ) and ran back and forth. i think thats something you have to at least once in your life. so saturday night i got about 4 hours of sleep. sunday was probably the funnest day. the day was pretty much just random shit. ( i missed jared.. ) started drinking at about 7. i so paced myself, but still ended up getting totally wasted. just at the clubhouse alone i drank 8 rum and cokes, 2 cranberry vodkas, one fuzzy navel, and a beer. and that was in like...5 hours. then after that we went to a hotel party, and some random black guy wanted to make out with me but i was like HELL NO. in that room i drank some jager, a canteen of something, and some parrot bay. then we went to hansi’s room where i proceeded to fall down and slice my finger open..which resulted in me getting blood all over the walls. then it was off to the hotel party at our hotel, where i seriously felt like shit. it was absolutely horrible. i must have drunk 4 water bottles, but nothing helped. then i passed out in my bed. im hungover, hungry, my voice is totally gone, my finger hurts, im really tired, but thats ok cuz i loved it!!!! i am proud to say i only got drunk one night, and i didnt make out with any random boys cuz the only boy i was thinking about wasnt there. so yay for me and shit like that.

i never knew what i said, what i did, had any affect on anyone, until now. im going to stop crying myself to sleep, im going to stop listening to criticism, im going to stop counting down the days until my next drink, im going to stop starving myself, im going to stop hating things, im going to stop reaching for the knife, im going to stop fucking up my life.

life is beautiful. im going to live for all the sunsets i have to see before i die, milkshakes, all the books ive never read, everyone who loves me, everyone who has loved me, and everyone who will love me. im going to live for the moments in life when i feel infinite, for that one person im going to fall in love with someday and share my life with, for my dreams, my hopes, my wishes. the things that make me smile, the things that make me laugh, and even some of the things that make me cry.

i really wish i could start over, be everything i used to be. i dont want to be afraid of looking in the mirror, but i am because i see someone ugly. im ugly on the inside, and it shows. i need to become beautiful on the inside. everything is better when you’re happy. i just need help. i need to figure out where to start, what to change first. i feel so vulnerable right now.

..and ill fall asleep tonight knowing tomorrow is a new day, and nobody can take that way from me..

sometimes it seems no matter what i do, where i go, how hard i try, this feeling just wont go away.

i dont want to live like this anymore
but i dont know how to change.

i want to be someone else.
i wish this could all just fade out.
i could just say the magic words and wake up.

i hate reality.

child psychology is making me sad.

..i wish it was easier to give up..
...on you, on me, on everything...