People

Uni

Stuff in general

There's probably a lot more, but my head feels like it's about to fall off due to all my coughing.

What annoys you?

And...I got a boyfriend. For those of you who have actually read my melo during the (soon to be) 10 years (holy hell, I've been using melo for nearly half of my life) this is a reoccuring event. However, it does have its explanations. Due to my incredibly low self esteem and inferiority complex I have had a tendency to throw myself at those who seemed to accept me, male or female...only to be thrown away like a soiled rag. Or I have met the wrong kinds of people, people who stressed me out and were too clingy and too dependent on me...so I chased them away, most of the time in a rather unfair manner. Over time, I learned that sometimes you should take what you're offered, even if you only get to keep it for a limited amount of time. That if it seems too good to be true, it usually is. I had accepted that I would be forever alone, that I would never find the one, that I would die as a shriveled up crazy old cat lady (most likely half eaten by my cats before anyone found me). And I was okay with it, because it would mean no more abandonment. No more not being good enough. No more pain.

So I had no hopes whatsoever when I found this guy online. He was too young (he's 11 days younger than me) and had no academic merits. I had grown to see my dream man as someone with a sound education, older than me, established and with a decent job and decent pay. Someone average, hopefully with some of the same interests as me. Someone kind, but not clingy; someone able to have discussions; someone who would feel as much for me as I did for him. However, I thought that a new potential friendship would be okay. We chatted online for a couple of months, and I was hesitant. A lot of "what if"s and such.

We met in late September. And we hit it off. The hours flew by too quickly, and he was very apologetic when he had to leave; he had had a hard day at work, and was very tired. I went home thinking that it went okay, and that he was a potential friend...at least online, if nothing else. Then he wanted to meet me again. And again. And...well, so it goes.

He showed me that you should never have too firm and rigid expectations of your dream partner. He might not be older than me, and he might not have an academic background..but he does have a safe job which he loves, shares my love for video games (he pre-ordered Skyrim for me, and I force him to play all the time) and body art, he takes care of me and lets me take care of him, he likes to spend time with me. I could go on and on.

But the most important thing is that he accepts me for who I am. He doesn't ask me to lose weight, dress differently, wear makeup, change who I am...he is fond of me as I am. He even says that I am beautiful. No one has ever called me beautiful before. Cute, yes. Hot, yes (lol). But not beautiful. And he doesn't mind that my mental health is potentially fragile. He makes me laugh (which is a good thing, and he even likes my laughter), forces me to eat on a semi-regular basis..and generally makes me feel good. He could hardly wait to introduce me to his parents (which I believe went well, they have invited me back), and is not ashamed to show his feelings for me in public or when he's around his friends.

For the first time in ages I actually feel "good". Good as in hardly any suicidal thoughts, less internal struggle, less sleep issues. Although my pdoc still calls me moderately depressed I feel better than I can remember ever feeling before. Even though my ADHD diagnosis has been reconfirmed and me being diagnosed with avoidant and paranoid personality disorder and anger issues I feel better. Because I have someone to talk to about it, someone who doesn't feel awkward when it comes up, someone who wants to understand even though it is not always completely possible. Who isn't afraid of a challenge.

I think he might just love me. Truly.