"... to rid the pain she has was what she wanted, to cause pain to others was not was she intended..."

but its not like anyone cares,
<3Chani

This song, a melody that replays in my head.
Written with deep compassion,
someone's emotions all in a nutshell.
Music does that to you sometimes,
greatly influence us with their lyris.
Meaningful, powerful, seducing.
It lures you in and entangles you,
binding you in its mesmerizing trance.
No way of escaping, trapped forever.
Living unconsciencly alive, like the living dead.
Unaware of our surroundings, our emotions.
I speak the language of music, dancing to my own beat.
Now I only wish to forget it, like how you forgot me.

Thunder booms from miles away.
Lightning lights up the dark night sky.
Rain falls on the pavement.
She walks alone on the empty road.
Photographs and memories are left behind.
Ugly scars tells her story.
The pain fills her chest.
Tears begin to fall from her face.
Screaming at the world for hating her,
she's never heard, only ignored.
She's all over the place, she's losing herself.
Falling to her knees, she pounds her angry fists on the road.
Desperate to find love, to have him wrap his arms around her.
She looks at her reflection. She hates herself for being ugly.
Pounding the ground, hands bleeding and hurting.
She forces herself up, ignoring the pain,
and continues walking down the empty road alone.

<3Chani

She begins to drift into sleep,
only to hear a soft sound against her window.
She gets out of bed, to find her lover standing outside the rain,
throwing rocks at her window, calling her down to join him.
She smiles and pulls on her black sweater he bought for her,
just three days ago.
Quietly, she walks down her stairs and opens the back door,
and runs to meet him in the front yard.
They both run off into the dark,
not looking back.
Hand in hand they continue walking in the rain,
talking about all the things they've been through.
All the pain, the good times and bad.
The smiles, the tears and the laughter.
They run to their tree, marked with their initials,
carved with love and memories.
He kisses her passionatly and she smiles.
They lean against their tree, thinking about lost memories,
but not forgetting the new ones.
"I love you so much" he whispers.
Smiling, she replies "I love you too."
He pulles out a folded letter,
and places it in her hands.
"Read this when you get home."
Tempted to read it there, she agrees.
They walk back together,
hand in hand in silence.
Once home, she notices a light on,
and she's frightened.
Hugging her, he says
"dont worry, I'll be here in the morning to explain everything."
Letting go, she nods her head and he kisses her before leaving.
She goes into her home, preparing herself with angry parents,
only to find it was her brother, who heard her sneek out.
They both go back upstairs into bed and pretended nothing happened.
In her room, she changes into dry clothes,
and puts her wet clothes in the tub to dry.
Remembering her note she had recieved,
she goes and retrives it from her sweater.
She unfolds the letter, expecting another loving letter
from her loving boyfriend with his loving words.
"Dear honey, I write to you today. Because you have inspired me in many ways.
You love is the sweetest sin, and its something that warms my heart.
You have shown me many things in this upside down world..."
She continues reading with a warm feeling in her heart,
and a big smile on her face.
"my love for you is never ending. I love you Megan."
Her heart drops. She begins to cry and read the sentence again.
She can't breathe, her world if falling apart.

"Who the fuck is megan!?" she cries.

felt like writing,
<3Chani

OMFG. So I went to school to pick up my cousin. No name of the school will be mentioned. Some bitch reversed into my van, denting the sliding door, and fucking drove off. WTF. I didnt get the lisence plate because I was more concerned for my cousin who was in the passenger seat. The person didn't see me and reversed into the van. Being stupid, I reversed the van, got out of the car and went to check the damages, and the next thing I know, the person drives off! WTF. I dont know why I reversed out of the way. I know, its the STUPID thing to do, ever. So, not only do I have to find a way to pay the damages, Im not allowed to drive for a month. But it wasn't even my fault! When I was passing, she didnt have her car in reverse. I think the person reversed without looking. My cousin is okay, just shaken up. Fucking bitch. If I ever see that car, I'm going to fucking chase that motherfucker.
To make matters worse, the school said it was MY fault. My fault, really?

Fuck my fucking life.

I need a cigarette or a good god-damn drink.

I will have my revenge, if its the last damn thing I do.

My cousin could of been hurt. She's already handicapped, so imagine what more DAMAGE her body could have.

I dont care if Im hurt. I dont care if the car was damage and how much it costs to fix it. But I do care of my cousin does get hurt and if something else life threatening does happen to her.

You people when to driving school, use what you fucking learned.

shaken but not brought down,
<3Chani

A girl went to a party to celebrate a birthday. decorations everywhere and people are so squished into the tiny room, there's no room to walk. dance floor is where you can dance, and socials are held outside the ballroom because the music is too loud. The open bar is your best friend tonight and your best friend is your nightmare. A couple of drinks later, you and your friends decide to cool off in the pool downstairs. Signs marked "Closed" surround the pool, but that doesnt bother them. They take off their shoes and just dip our feet in. Things get way out of hand and she gets pushed into the pool. She goes to the bathroom and dries herself off. Friends disappear for more fun and drinking. She's left alone to walk by herself, feeling nothing but pity and anger. The cold wind blows against her wet body. Rain begins pelting down on her and she starts to cry, wondering why her friends are so cruel. She comes home to a dark and empty room. A note is found "went out for the night, wont be back till tomorrow. Sorry you counldn't come!" She puts on dry clothes and beings to cry herself to sleep. Hoping for a better tomorrow is something she wishes, but doesnt expect it.

wishing this wasn't me,
<3Chani

lets play pretend.

I'll pretend that you're listening, and you can pretend that you actually care.

that way, i wont hurt.

feeling invisible,
<3Chani

I realized I haven't had my period for 2 months..

I might be fucking pregnant.

Till I find out,
<3Chani

So lunch wasn't that bad. It turned out a lot better than I expected. Birthday boy joined us. Yay Conrad! So my exboyfriend Ryan sat infront of me at the table. My boyfriend was on my right. I think Ray thought that I was playing with Ryan's feet, because he kept checking my legs. WTF? I was a good girl. The only thing Im guilty of is thinking our waiter was cute. Harmless fun really. After lunch at Ruby Tuesdays, we all came to my place and played rockband for a while. Epic fail on expert on BYOB from Metallica. Dropped Ryan home. Werid, I was putting lotion on my face, and I noticed on my mirror Ryan was singing the song that was playing on the radio to me. I thought it was cute, but I think Ray noticed, so he grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. So Egu (eh-gu) *means jealous in Chamoru*

It was just weird having my exboyfriend around. He was my first boyfriend and the feelings never went away. And especially since I cheated on my current boyfriend with my exboyfriend, Im suprised Ray can stand being in the same room with him. Ryan is my buddy that Im always going to love having around. He's my "sushi" that Im always going to love....

I know, I shouldn't give a damn about Ryan. But he was my first boyfriend. He was my first kiss, first "iLoveYou", first heartbreak. and there's that saying "first love never dies". My love for Ryan never really did die. And I know I should love Ray with all my heart, since I've been with him for already 3 years, but Im finding that difficult to do. I love Ray, I honestly do. But my love for Ray can never compare with the love I had for Ryan. Pathetic I know! But there is just something about Ryan that I can't help but hold on to. I want to let go, believe me. If it was easy as breathing, it would of been done a long time ago. But I just can't seem to let go.

And sometimes I dont think its just my fault. There are times where I catch him flirting with me. There are times where he starts brushing against me first, so I do it right back. But then as soon as it gets too much, he'll back down. I know it isnt fucking worth it. But idk what the hell to do with myself. My heart says one thing, but my mind is telling me another. I feel torn between the two for some reason when I shouldn't.

My heart should only belong to Ray, the love of my life, the one who showed me that its okay to love and get hurt because someone is always there for you. he showed me a lot of good things, especially that not all guys are lying, cheating, good for nothing pigs; that there are good guys too. Ryan was total opposite. He literally broke my heart, and pretended like nothing between us happened. He was the reason why I was afraid to love because I didnt want to get hurt again like I did. I was afraid that history was going to repeat itself, and i was going to be left in the dark. So we stopped talking. Then years later, he starts saying he still loves me when Im already with Ray. Then he somehow toyed with my feelings and we ended up going out again. For the whole month i was messing around, all I can think about was how big of a hyprocrite I was. I was doing exactly what Ryan did to me years ago, and that was the reason why we broke up. I swore I wouldn't cheat like Ryan did, because I knew how painful it was, having to be lied to your face; all those kisses and iLoveYou and the feelings he said he had were pretty much lies. So in fear of history coming back and to prevent breaking Ray's heart,I had to break it off with Ryan. Months later, I'm stilling wondering if that was the right thing to do. *slaps self* YES it was.

Anyways, I know Im blabbering about stupid crap. So Im going to stop.

fighting between my heart and mind,
<3Chani

My mother makes me feel so worthless. I hate living here. She is the reason why Im always hurting myself. She picked a fight with me earlier this evening. I couldn't stop crying, because I really hate fighting with her. She is the only one who took care of me when I was little. She really isnt my mother, she's actually my grandmother. My birth mom died when I was almost 3. She was only 20 when she committed suicide. My grandparents adopted me and my sister. So yeah. I hate fighting with her. She's done so much for me. We fight all the time, and I regret it. But there are times where she's just fighting with me because she's bored. She has a mental problem. She's skizo and bipolar. Is it even possible? Yes it is. Idk how, but it.

Anyways, everytime we fight, I feel so miserable. I ended up hurting myself last night after we faught. I never thought I'd go back, but she really pushed me off the cliff, and I just couldnt bear this damn life anymore. Im now in my longsleeved shirt to hide my wounds. But it isn't going to hide my emotional wounds. i still can't stop crying. I hate this so much. Im so happy that my boyfriend is here for me when I really need someone. I love how we can just lay there without saying a thing, and I feel like we just had the best conversation ever. Anyways, I have to go sleep soon or else Im going to loose my mind more...

until these wounds heal,
<3Chani

So, the Gov. Felix Camacho is deciding to change the name of our island from GUAM to GUAHAN. Its his last 10 mons. of his term of being Gov. and he's saying he wants to make a legacy of his name, and that changing the name to Guahan will be better for our island. Bringing back our tradition and maintaing our heritage. That is a bunch of bull. He said so HIMSELF he's trying to make a legacy of himself. That good-for-nothing governor should that that $10million funds that he's going to use for the namechange, and use it for Department of Education and get those damn funds paid for. John F. Kennedy will be out of a school building if they don't pay for their lease. Why should they even pay off a lease on a UNUSED building? I mean, JFK students are being transfered around from school to school, just because their original building has been deemed unsafe, and closed down. I just graduated from there in 2007. the next thing I know, they got shut down and had to be sent to GW for double session. I'm so happy I graduated before that happened.

Anyways, the school system here in Guam is in a shithole, they can't even play their employees! And the governor wants to change Guam's name. Please, do something GREAT for once and DON'T change the name. We voted for you to fix Guam's problems. Im pretty sure changing the name isn't going to do much. Probably confuse those tourists. lol.

Its 5:22AM. Time to sleep!

until then,
<3Chani

For the life that is within me, I can never say whay I want to say to him. I love him dearly, but I feel like Im slipping away. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but lying to him is worse that anything. I promised him I wouldn't lie or hurt him, but either way, looks like Im breaking that promise. Im holding on, and Im hoping I'll find that reason why I loved him in the first place.

Until I find that reason,
<|3 Chani