I am taking a new anti-depressant and it is making me feel damn near crazy. It's hard to concentrate and I feel spaced out. Lots of drama has been going and frankly I just don't wanna talk about it. At this point in time I am struggling to even get out of bed and do even the most basic of things.

Yeah so they are laying off a ton of people at work. The next round is this Thursday. We have been going through this shit for almost a month. Everyone is wound up like a top and it is not fun at all. All this while me little one is in town, things never slow down or are drama free.

In WoW news I am close to getting 25 Exalted. Also working on Insane in the Membrane, oh yeah RogDK the Insane, fuck yeah bitches.

Having a 9 year old in the house brings a whole new level of drama to the household. So I am tired and she is going with her mother over the 4th to see her other grandpa. So a bit of a break.

My guild in WoW is talking about changing realms. Our realm is dying bad. The pool of good players is dimishing quickly and we have a really bad time getting people. This is a tough one. I have a lot of friends on my server and I don't know if I wanna move and start all over at this time. The server in the running for the move at this moment is Area 52. We shall see maybe we will find people and not have to leave.

So some random toothless homeless chick attacked me last night. She asked me for money I told her I don't care any because I work at night. She lunged at me and started hitting me I stepped back and bam laid her straight out. I picked up my cell and called the police there were there in a matter of minutes she was just waking up. The cop didn't even ask her any questions just grabbed her and put her in the car. I told him what happened and he said yeah she does this a couple of times a month, most people don't press charges do you want to? I was like fuck yeah I wanna press charges. So we did a report and everything and I gotta show up to court in about a month. Never a dull moment around here...

Gina will be here in a few hours. Gotta raid tonight and finish the fire festival stuff in WoW. Plus jam in some sleep somewhere...

My sleep is totally fucked up. I am on the midnight to 9am shift and well it's fucking rough to say the least. I have problems with sleep anyway but this is getting ridiculous. Somedays I sleep well and feel okay. Other days I get maybe 4 hours of sleep and spend all night struggling. The weekends are the worst cause everyone always wants me to do something so I have to readjust then spend a couple of days adjusting back. I wanted to start going to the gym because I am getting lazier by the minute. I really don't wanna be one of those people that is like 50 years old and can't do shit cause they are so unhealthy. All these sleep problems have made that plan go south really quickly. My daughter is driving me crazy ever since she graduated, this whole I am an adult and I have don't have to help out around the house thing is bullshit. So I cut her phone off till she can get her shit together and do what she is supposed to around here. Wanna talk about someone having a shit fit, I just laughed and she got even madder. So my bankruptcy is almost over and well it's been a bittersweet event. I hated to do it cause I was always like I will pay all these people and make amends blah, blah, blah. I finally came to the realization that I would not be able to do that and this was my only option to survive.

In WoW news I found a good guild that is actually raiding and has a ton of fun while doing it. I got very lucky and finally feeling like I made the right decision to leave my old guild and move on. Since I have left my old guild fell to pieces and they are gasping their dying breath as a guild.

In late August I shall be in California for a whole week. If any of my California Melo friends would like to say hey while I am out there just holla at ya boy.

I want to be less broken. I want ambition. I want to not struggle all the time. I want something more normal. I don't want my family to always say "you always have to do everything the hard way." Looks like I will have to file for bankruptcy, I've been fighting to not do this but it's finally come to a head. I feel like a total and complete failure. I want to hide under a rock forever.

I haven't been around much but things have been nuts to say the least. Since I have last posted I have...

-gone on night shift (12am to 9am)
-had my daughter in the hospital
-My daughter graduated high school
-filed bankruptcy
-had to evict people out of my dad's rental property
-my youngest has come to visit
-gone through an extreme depression
-gotten robbed
-my mother came for a visit

Night shift has really thrown a huge monkey wrench into everything. I am just now after a month getting used to it. My depression is getting better but not all the way gone and well I don't know I am pretty much at a loss as to what to do with it. The doctors are always about pills and this technique and that technique or just get up and do something or blah blah blah blah blah. Sometimes I think it'll just be better to lay in the bed and rot away into nothingness but then again life goes on and trudges ahead and I have people that depend upon me.

Anyway, gonna try to be around more often, I hope everyone is well.

Lately things have been extremely stressful and pretty jacked up to say the least, I have been fighting the urge to just go buy a large bottle of liquor and drink myself into a stupor repeatedly. I have been winning that fight for a very long time but lately the urge has been so strong that it is overpowing that voice in my head that says "You can't do that, you can't control it, you mustn't do that!" I really never have believed that being an alcoholic is a "disease" thing. It's a learned behaviour, it's an escape, it's a coping mechanism, you have to find other productive ways to deal with shit. Which is hard to do when everyone in your whole family deals with shit by getting plastered at every open opportunity. I keep having this dream that I will wake up one day and I won't have this mind numbing emotional pain inside of me or this rage that cripples me from living up to my full potential. For now I guess it will continue to be just that a dream....

The world is coming to an end. News at 11. Shit it's past 11. Fuck me.

Just maintaining, working a lot. I had my end of the year review not really that impressed with it to be honest. All my blood sweat and tear for this past year was worth 40 cents, I wanted to just crush someone when I left. The bad thing about that is that I got the highest raise in the department. Our company is constantly crying about the economy and blah blah blah. Our company has not been hit that hard by the economy and certainly not here.

On the health front been having a lot of problems with my feet and it is totally fucking up my plans. First it was my right foot, now it is is my left foot. So instead of getting yard work and doing some trim work I got to lay around on the couch and do nothing. It really aggravates me to be honest. I just want to make some things happen and get it done so it will be out of the way.

So I get home from work and barely get to change out of my clothes and my daughters best friend (now ex best friend) comes over. They step out on the porch and two seconds later the girl tears through the house and goes into my daughters room. I hear banging around and they start yelling and screaming so I ignore it for a minute or two then it escalates even more so I go in there and tell them to act fucking civilized or I will come back in there and finish the bullshit. I go out and they start yelling and screaming and fighting about 5 minutes later. I go in and end it all. When I end shit, it ends fast. I grab the girl by the ear and lead her out of the house and she is yelling she ruined my life you just don't understand. I told her that she is way too young for her life to be ruined so young. So after some investigating I find out this girl comes to my house and does all this shit because my daughter told this dude that the girl has already broke up with that she cheated on him. How totally fucking ridiculous can you get? I really don't remember being that stupid when I was that age, but then again I have never been the kind to cheat or put up with that kind of bullshit. So now I am all amped up and have no where to let out my aggressions upon.

They change my work schedule and I now have to work 8am to 5pm instead of 11am to 8pm. Yesterday was my first day and it was one rough ass day. Got home last night and went straight to bed. Woke up this morning and I am still a little wacked out from the change in my schedule. My body just does not like to get up early.

It has been unusually cold here for the last few weeks. This is the coldest winter we have had here in Georgia in some ten years or so and yesterday my hands and feet felt it for sure. By the time the day was over they were aching way down in the bones, one of those dull throbbing restless aches that keep you from being comfortable.

I have been bringing my dogs inside during this cold spell but one of my dogs just refuses to come into the house. Which worries me because I am worried he will freeze to death outside but he seems content to bury himself in a pile of leaves at night. When I try to bring him inside he growls and snaps at me so I am like fine freeze to death you little hard headed mutt.

Got a card and some birthday loot from my mother yesterday. (LOL you know you been playing WoW too long when you call it Birthday loot) It was a very nice card and I appreciate the cash she sent me. I called her last night and we talked for quite some time, I really do miss her and wished she lived much closer so I could visit her more than every few years.

Just gonna be a chill day, chillin at the house by myself playing WoW.

I have been working a lot lately as usual and just not feeling very social at all. It's like I had a map to happiness and lost it somewhere along the way and I can't find it anymore. Then I try to send out an expedition to find happiness in a new way and typhoid comes along and kills the whole expedition. I don't know how many expeditions I can put together before I just give the whole thing up all together.

Anyway off to farm up some ore and kill some shit...